Okay for all of you just back from Mars . . . . The following is a standard Smart Ass Response from Yours Truly. You might ask yourself: Self, just why does J'inn do this? Is it just a pathetic plea for help? Is it a substitution for some *ahem* short coming?
NO!!
and
AHEM No comment
The real reason is because I don't have a life. So there ,,, thppth.
And now . . . .
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO RUN A SERVER?
I. Computer Requirements.
For some reason techies-- yes those irritating little weasel that make up confusing names for stuff so only they know what they are doing, just like lawyers -- call computers that actually run stuff, servers. As opossed to computers that don't run a damn thing (which would apply to 99%) It is a friggin computer. Why call it something different??
Any who, you need a computer. preferably a good one. No need to call the experts here I'll tell you what they will say:
1) Your computer is a pathetic piece of junk that any self respecting techie wouldn't use as a doorstop!!
2) The above applies even if you bought it yesterday and it cost over $10,000.00
3) You have to buy a new one.
4) The new one MUST cost more than double the price of your old one.
So, just go to Best Buy, or where ever and get a new computer. Take a jar of vasoline with you. Don't ask. Just trust me.
Okay so now you have your computer to run a campaign on. Now what, well first off you have to spend a minimum of 5 hours on the line with tech support just to get it to say "Welcome to Friggin Windows SUCKER!" During that lovely period of hell here is what you will go through.
1) One hour of digging through material just to find the number. Is it long distance? Oh but of course! Far be it for ACME Megabucks Computer Co. to shell out a few bucks on a 800 line.
2) You call. Guess what. That number goes to a porn line. Well you listen up until they ask for the credit card number and then hang up.
3) Call the store where you bought it.
4) Become slightly violent after talking to complete idiots for 5 minutes and hang up.
5) Call 411 and FINALLY find the right phone number for ACME.
6) Call ACME. Immediately get the phone prompt from hell. If you are calling because your computer is the wrong color hit 5675. If you are calling because your dog ate your computer hit 5676. If you are calling because you just hit your computer with a sledge hammer hit 5676.
7) You get frustrated and hit 0. 0 means human being right?? WRONG. "I'm sorry you have hit an invalid number, Good Bye." CLICK.
8) Scream.
9) Redial the damn number and listen to all the prompts from hell. The absolutely last one will be "If you are having problems getting your computer to do a damn thing and you just spent your annual salary on it hit 9987." BINGO that's the one.
10) Now you get another prompt. "Dear customer, we are a bunch of lazy asses and would much prefer that you take up your valuable time and not ours by writing out your problem and e-mailing it to us. That way we can laugh at your stupid butt without you hearing us, and then, when we really feel like it, we'll send you a form response that doesn't answer your question at all."
11) At this point you scare your children when you scream into the phone "HOW THE HELL CAN I E-MAIL YOU IF MY COMPUTER ISN'T WORKING!!!"
12) Oblivious to your gentle reminder the prompt goes on . . . "In the alternative please fell free to visit our interactive website at
www.yerscrewed .
13) This time the kids all decide to go outside and leave Daddy alone.
14) Go to Best Buy and buy a new telephone. Apologize to the kids for scaring them when you get back.
15) Get Mr. Prompt back on the phone.
16) Get past Mr. Prompt. Yer in the home stretch!!! And be asked to hold. Listen to the toe tapping tunes of Barry Manilow for an hour.
17) Finally have someone get on the line with you. Disturbingly he seems to be mainly focused on a conversation he is having with another tech guy in his office about some Dungeons and Dragons convention and is only paying slight attention to you.
18) 4.6 seconds later he blames the software and advises you that he can't help you. He gladly give you the number to Microsoft customer support.
19) Call Microsoft.
20) Steps 20 - 140 Have been deleted by J'inn in order to prevent his ass getting sued.
141) Go to Best Buy and pick up a new phone. Stop by Home Depot to get some Dry Wall Spackle, and applicator and a small can of boringly off white paint.
142) Remove old phone from the center of your living room wall and repair wall.
143) Completely screw up repair job and just hang that hideous picture of your in-laws over the hole.
144) Call computer repair shop.
145) Pay repairman who just fixed your computer in about 2 minutes. Pay by check after he turns down the offer of your eldest son.
146) Call home mortgage company for a second mortgage loan to cover that check.
147) Sit down at your brand spanking new computer that the repair man just called an outdated piece of junk that he wouldn't even use as a door stop.
II THE SERVER PART
1) Install and patch up EAW.
2) Go to manual and look up everything about how to run a server.
3) Scratch head and say WTF a few times.
4) Call Taldren.
5) Steps 5 - 206 have been deleted by J'inn.
207) Go to a nice art store and pick up one of those large sofa size portraits. You know why.
208) Now you have a EAW server.
III. THE CAMPAIGN PART
1) Either be a masochist, an idiot or have an ego large enough to create it's own gravity well.
2) Create a campaign.
3) Think up lots of cool stuff.
4) Throw away each cool idea when you find out the server package won't let you do a darn thing!!
5) Come up with a campaign that is only 10% as good as you had wanted but the (*$*)(^$&)(*$& server package just couldn't handle your wacky ideas.
6) Announce server with all the rules.
7) Get verbally beaten to a pulp within the next day by people who don't like your idea one bit because under your scheme their team actually has a CHANCE of getting it's butt kicked.
8) Throw a tantrum. (For good examples look up any J'inn thread during AoTK)
9) Feel like an ass for throwing the tantrum and get on with the campaign.
10) Start campaign.
11) 10 seconds later something hideously wrong occurs with the server.
12) Panic
13) Blame Fluf.
14) Panic some more.
15) Change trousers
16) Call Taldren
17) Steps 17 - 152739403) have been deleted by J'inn to avoid litigation.
152739404) Call contracting company for home repairs.
152739405) Call bank to pay for contractors. Ask for third mortgage loan. Scream at the cheap bastards and slam the phone down when they say there is no such thing.
152739406) Raid kids college fund. Heck, deep down you know the spoiled little brats aren't smart enough to hack it any ways.
152739407) Restart campaign and enjoy.
152739408) For some odd reason you actually feel great afterwards and think to yourself: Self, I gotta do another one. Bigger. Better. More grandiose! Oh boy Oh boy.
152739409) A new patch comes out.
152739410) Go absolutely bonkers when you find out the new patch won't run on your "outdated" computer.
15273911) Go to Home Depot and pick up sledge hammer.
15273912) Enjoy the carnage!!
15273913) Pay some scary looking guys a little dough to take the pieces of your computer to the dump along with the desk it had been on.
15273914) Grab jar of vasoline, go to computer store and repeat.
SEE IT'S EASY GREEN!!! Have fun.
Topic: Server Requirements Question (Read 2435 times)