Topic: The Official SFC2.net Battle of the Sexes Thread (Read 10913 times)

gornrule · « **on:** April 29, 2003, 01:30:27 am »

This one's for you Tracey. Saw it and loved it. Zings you twice. HAH!

THE AGES OF WOMAN:

Between the ages of 16-18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

Between 19-35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

Between 36-45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

Between 46-56, she is like Europe, exhausted, but still with points of interest.

After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows its down there but who gives a damn?

All in fun, let the flames begin!

Gwarlock

Ishmael VII · « **Reply #1 on:** April 29, 2003, 01:43:31 am »

Pulls up chaise lounge and a cooler and plops down.

"This will be better than that whole Bobby Riggs v. Billie Jean King thingie."

Realizes how old he is and starts drinking.

FPF_TraceyG · « **Reply #2 on:** April 29, 2003, 01:46:25 am »

A WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

SSCF_Paladin · « **Reply #3 on:** April 29, 2003, 01:54:06 am »

Tracey, I get the feeling they're picking on you...

... just call it a hunch, hon.

FPF_TraceyG · « **Reply #4 on:** April 29, 2003, 02:06:22 am »

Well, Gwarlock does love to battle, so it's only natural he would want to combine is two most favorite hobbies together...

So, it's the men vs. the women... hmmm, <looks around for the rest of the women>... it seems we have about a 500:1 ration of men to women here, just a little unfair, don't you think?? After all, one woman is worth far more than 500 men... <snicker>

TheMaverick · « **Reply #5 on:** April 29, 2003, 02:22:22 am »

Quote:

This one's for you Tracey. Saw it and loved it. Zings you twice. HAH!

THE AGES OF WOMAN:

Between the ages of 16-18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

Between 19-35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

Between 36-45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

Between 46-56, she is like Europe, exhausted, but still with points of interest.

After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows its down there but who gives a damn?

All in fun, let the flames begin!

Gwarlock

Man the rolling pins are gonna fly tonight!

Dizzy · « **Reply #7 on:** April 29, 2003, 07:29:49 am »

Men do not need women... We have both the X and the Y chromosome. We can buy those realistic looking Real Dolls. We have vaseline...

If we want to cuddle... we have a pillow.

If we want dinner cooked and the house cleaned, we have Pizza Hut and the Shop Vac.

If we need companionship, we have our faithful dog who will always love us no matter what.

There is nothing a woman has that men cant replace or do without.

Tell me ONE single thing a woman has that men cannot live w/o? Eh?

God I hope my wife doesnt read this...

FPF_TraceyG · « **Reply #9 on:** April 29, 2003, 07:41:45 am »

A newly wed couple are preparing for their matrominal evening on the first night of their honeymoon. As they begin to disrobe, the husband pauses for a moment and decides to point something out to his wife. Passing his pants to her, he says,
"Honey, would you try putting these on for me?"
"Sure, snuggleblosson", she replies taking the pants.
Well, she slips them easily over her far more slender frame than his, however, they won't stay up. She says,
"I'm sorry honey, but these pants are just too big, they don't fit!"
To which he replies,
"That's right, I wear the pants around here, just thought we would get that cleared up right now."
The wife thinks about this for a moment.
"Oh snuggleblossom, would you try putting these on for me?", she says passing him her knickers.
"Of course, dearest!" he replies.
Well, he struggles for awhile to get them on but can't seem to get them much past his knees.
"I'm sorry honey, but they're too small, I just can't get into them."
To which she replies,
"And that's the way it's going to stay around here until your attitude changes!!"

DONOTDELETE · « **Reply #10 on:** April 29, 2003, 11:05:57 am »

The old man has a mild heart attack...

At the office...the doctor asked the man to leave for a sec so he can talk to his wife....

Alone...He tells the wife...

"your husband has had a mild attack"....

"I want you to do three things"...

"He eats too much colesterol....cook good healthy meals for him...dont let him fend for himself"...

"Lower his stress levels....stop fighting with him so much....stress is a killer"

"Improve his cardio vascular system...give him a roll in the hay at least twice a week"...

"If you do this three things...he will live much longer"

The wife nods and heads out to the waiting room...

The old man asks..."what did the doctor say honey?"

she says..."your gonna die"

In the far future:...we will be able to recycle brains:

A husband suffers brain trauma in an accident....so the wife goes shopping for a replacement....at the brain store she asks for sales help...

"I see that the womans brains are 100,000 credits a piece...but the mens are only 1 credit.....thats because the womans brains are superior...right?"

The salesman replies " No mam...its because the mens brains are used"

KOTH-Steel Claw · « **Reply #12 on:** April 29, 2003, 12:49:40 pm »

A man and his new wife are riding in his wagon heading back to what will be their new home on a warm summer day. The horse pulling the wagon stumbled.

"That's one" the farmer said.

A few minutes later the horse had to stop while pulling the load uphill, almost causing the wagon to move backwards.

"That's two" the farmer said.

Not long after that, the horse stumbled again on the rut laden road.

"That's three" the farmer said. He then pulled out his shotgun and shot the horse dead.

"You idiot" screamed the wife, "How do you think we are going to get the wagon back to your farm? It has to be at least another five miles and we are going to have to walk in this heat!"

"That's one" said the farmer.

gornrule · « **Reply #13 on:** April 29, 2003, 12:57:24 pm »

Long story short:

A woman gets married and has 9 children with her husband. Unfortunately, he passes away. She remarries, and has 10 children with her second husband. Then he too, passes away. She remarries again, has 8 children with her third husband, and then they both pass on. At the funeral, all the children are gathered as the priest delivers the eulogy. It's quite beautiful, and at the very end the priest simply says, 'Now they will be together.'

This puzzles an older daughter and she seeks the priest out after the ceremony.
'Father,' she says,' when you said now they would be together did you mean her first husband, her second, or her third?'

'I meant her legs.'

Gwarlock

Black · « **Reply #14 on:** April 29, 2003, 02:30:41 pm »

Who started this post anyway? Ummmmmmmm ....

Lots of issues here I see ...

P.S. J'inn, you are a brave man!

Losiack · « **Reply #15 on:** April 29, 2003, 02:39:23 pm »

I refuse to get involved in a Battle of the Sexes with the Hydrans. They have a 3 to 2 advantage against all the other races.

SPQR Losiack
Correspondant for the Internal Romulan Information Service
The IRIS sees all

FatherTed · « **Reply #16 on:** April 29, 2003, 02:48:49 pm »

J'inn, have you ever considered joining the Priesthood?

Corbomite · « **Reply #19 on:** April 29, 2003, 03:07:27 pm »

J'inn, Stapleton airport in Denver? You are telling me you couldn't find something to do there? I haven't been to Denver in years I admit, but that was one of the most enjoyable airports to be "stuck" in I have ever been in. It was designed for people who get snowed in for days at a time. Hell, they must have at least 15 bars in that joint alone!

Goose · « **Reply #22 on:** April 29, 2003, 03:29:01 pm »

My favourite line when the Rex comes home and says "Look at how much I saved at (Insert store name here)!"

"Wow, and you would have saved even more if you didn't buy any of this!"

I once found a pair of shoes that she had bought two years prior. As I recall she "just had to have them". Well, there they were two years later...

WITH THE PRICE TAG STILL ON THEM!

She still hasn't heard the end of that one.

I will not enter the mars vs. venus debate as I have to sleep with one of them.

Soreyes · « **Reply #23 on:** April 29, 2003, 03:30:00 pm »

Hey Corb. I believe that Stapleton has been closed down for the New Airport in BumFu** Colorado.

DH123 · « **Reply #25 on:** April 29, 2003, 03:36:12 pm »

Somebody explain this to me.

Last summer, a woman said both "you're too nice for me" and "I know you slept with my friend" to me in the same breath. . .

J'inn · « **Reply #26 on:** April 29, 2003, 03:39:04 pm »

Corbo I'm not sure which way to go with this.

Option #1:

Assume Corbo doesn't know about poor J'inn's recent doctor's orders to avoid booze. Making an airport fulla great bars filled with tipsy women and ten hours to kill Satan's own preview of my future stay in hell. Therefore, Corbo was just being helpful. And yes it is a nice airport but I just cannot sit in one for 10 hours no matter how nice.

Option #2:

Assume Corbo does know and that he was rubbing it in. Corbo you are despicable. May your significant other fall asleep as a beautiful woman and wake up as Kroma.

Side note - Kroma you are such a beeacth!

Corbomite · « **Reply #28 on:** April 29, 2003, 03:48:07 pm »

Well, if that's the case J'inn you should have really taught the Rex a lesson and got yourself a hooker!

Maxillius · « **Reply #30 on:** April 29, 2003, 05:51:11 pm »

J'inn, J'inn, J'inn... It's circumstances like these where you need to stand on all of your 7-foot-tall, 700-pound, polar Mirak alter ego and say...

Shopasaurus: You paid full price?

J'inn: Yes.

SS: Nope, we're going to that airport and you're gonna pay less like the rest of us!

J'inn: No, sweetie. You remember what happened last time? If I pay full price for the tickets, the BLOODY SEATS ARE GUARANTEED TO BE THERE!! Nope, just trust me on this one.

SS: Ok, no need to yell... I just wanted you to buy me things on our 72-hour shop-a-thon...

...perhaps I over played that a bit...

KOTH-Steel Claw · « **Reply #33 on:** April 30, 2003, 08:45:52 am »

Which one?

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest tits.

FPF_TraceyG · « **Reply #34 on:** April 30, 2003, 09:13:40 am »

According to Darwin's Theory of Evolution, those species with character traits that enhance their ability to survive and therefore reproduce are more likely to survive and dominate over others which eventually become extinct. Survival of the fittest.
Now, if a man prefers a woman with large tits, and this is a genetically inherited trait, then it follows that large breasted women are more likely to produce offspring than there less well-endowed sisters. After several thousand years of civilization and who knows how many 100,000s of years of evolution before that, we can predict then that the modern woman would have no need for cosmetic surgery and that we'd all be walking around with GGG racks...

Is this the case though? Well, a little observation (and I'm quite sure here, that the men have done plenty of that) suggests that this is not the case. Logic dictates then, that we can make the following conclusion wrapped in humour.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Just one, men will screw anything.

Black · « **Reply #40 on:** April 30, 2003, 03:22:42 pm »

Ouch, ouch, ouch!!!!

Look who's on a roll!

Look out guys, me thinks you are slightly out of your league ...

FPF_TraceyG · « **Reply #44 on:** May 01, 2003, 01:40:19 am »

Well, Dog, we're given what we're born with.

KATChuutRitt · « **Reply #46 on:** May 01, 2003, 04:14:42 am »

I think women and men are both equal, and one shouldn't judge their ability to do particular tasks based on their sex. For example men don't make better mechanics than women just because they are male. It all depends on the intelligence, skill and training of that particular person. My mechanic is in fact female, and I think she does one helluva job.....

So what if I have to wait 5 hours, I really dont mind.....

Soreyes · « **Reply #47 on:** May 01, 2003, 04:25:53 am »

ROFLMAO....... Hell Chutt I would wait 12 hours for a mechanic with "skills" like that

Maxillius · « **Reply #49 on:** May 01, 2003, 09:20:57 am »

Civilization can expand out of the galaxy, transwarp can become as common as bicycles (and that easy too), and the point of our existance will still be:

Did ya get any?

And Tracey, for the "women do with what they're given" comment, I prefer smaller than C, anything larger gets in the way of the fun stuff

J'inn · « **Reply #50 on:** May 01, 2003, 10:28:43 am »

One Hundred percent True ALERT

I have a client who is a stripper. She was in an auto accident. The air bag burst her *ahem* air bags. I now know more about silicon than I ever dreamed of. Her biggest gripe is that her income has taken a serious hit. Which it has. Apparently there is some rule of proportionality in the stripper business.

So . . . you can always add to what you're born with. You just have to me careful with the after dealer add ons.

<fill in your own jokes below>

Karnak · « **Reply #52 on:** May 01, 2003, 10:50:44 am »

Someone in my family died from lung cancer before age 60. So, even if she is a Hollywood Billionaire god-dess the biggest turn-off I have in women is if they are habitual smokers. Don't want to go through that emotional hell again. If a terrible thing for someone to die way before his/her time.

FPF_TraceyG · « **Reply #53 on:** May 01, 2003, 10:53:14 am »

I should have known that a thread entitled, the Battle of the Sexes, in a male dominated environment, would eventually become a discussion about women's breast size...

Where's Kim when you need her!! lol!! I guess she's off reloading her.. errr.. A-racks...

Kroma_BaSyl · « **Reply #54 on:** May 01, 2003, 11:10:49 am »

Anything more than a mouthful is a waste.

KATChuutRitt · « **Reply #55 on:** May 01, 2003, 02:09:37 pm »

Size of the breast isn't as important as the confidence it gives to some women.

I could care less whether they are real or fake, I see fake boobs the same way I see make-up or tatoos, just a cosmetic change.

If it makes a woman happier and more confident, its a good thing. If it doesn't its a waste of money.

While some men like them and others don't, its the woman's own preference that is important, and if she feels good about getting fakes, the change in her confidence will make her a more beautiful person more than the silicone ever could have.

KRolling · « **Reply #58 on:** May 01, 2003, 05:31:34 pm »

OK!!! This is enough!!!!

Everyone sit down and lets learn a little something about human behavior....

This is for the majority, but not all:

1. Women are vain.
2. Men are vain.
3. Women want attention from men.
4. Men want to lose things where they shouldn't be lost.
5. Women are competitve with getting the attention from men.
6. Men are competitive with how often they lose these things.
7. Women are insecure that men will not look at them therefore think they have no reason to live.
8. Men are insecure that they won't be able to lose things where they are not suppose to be lost therefore having no reason to live.

Bottom line:
1. Accept the way God made you.
2. Don't be something your not (be true to yourself).
3. You have to have a license to drive, to own a gun, so get a license to lose the things legally.

Alright, class is over. You are dismissed.

<class stands up and starts throwing paper wads and airplanes at me as I run out of room>

KOTH-Steel Claw · « **Reply #61 on:** May 01, 2003, 06:28:29 pm »

A little something for all. Rated Mature.

Heheh

CW-Frankk · « **Reply #62 on:** May 01, 2003, 06:50:07 pm »

Krolling, true image

runing away of rolling pin

KRolling · « **Reply #65 on:** May 01, 2003, 08:21:34 pm »

Actually, I thought the blonde joke was funny!!

9th Thrain · « **Reply #67 on:** May 01, 2003, 10:10:09 pm »

I can't believe someone neglected this story. I thought surely some one would have posted it before now.

A young man and his bride were leaving the church to begin thier new lives together. The young man hitched his mule to the wagon, loaded his bride's belongings, helped his bride into the wagon and set off for home, some 4 miles away.

About 1 mile out of town the mule slowed and finally stopped. No matter what the young man did with the reigns the mule wouldn't budge. He finally got down, walked around to the front of the mule, shook his finger at the mule in near rage and shouted "That's once!". The young man climbed back into the wagon, snapped the reigns, and the mule began to pull again.

Almost 2 miles out of town the mule stopped again. Try as he might, the young man couldn't coax the mule into moving with the reigns. The young man climbed down and again near rage he shook his fist in the mules face and shouted, "That's twice!!!". He seemed to have gotten the mules attention, so he climbed aboard again and they got on the way again.

Just 3/4 of a mile from thier new home the mule became contrary again.......(remembering the last 2 occaisions the young bride was now concerned).

The young man never said a word. He never snapped the reigns as he had done before. He calmly climbed down, reached behind the seat for an oil cloth covered bundle and walked to the front of the mule. He unwrapped his shotgun and killed the mule in it's traces..

The new bride became insensed over this action because they were farmers and this was thier only mule. She shouted at him and asked him why he could be so brutal? What were they going to do now? How could b he be so stupid?.......

She completely lost her voice as she took a breath to continue her tirade, when the young man cocked his hat back, looked her dead in the eye and said........"That's once"

Tao · « **Reply #68 on:** May 02, 2003, 01:52:42 am »

Ah, why does there have to be a "battle of the sexes" thread. We can live in peace and harmony. Why, I've been married for 3 glorious, wonderful months.

Well yes, actually I've been married for 23 years, but... there were 3 good months there at the beginning.

Hmm. Maybe the thread makes sense after all....

Carry on gents.

Tao · « **Reply #69 on:** May 02, 2003, 01:57:20 am »

And now, for something completely different...

Day 1:
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, HE locked himself in the
bathroom and cried.

Day 2:
Today he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent. He wants me
to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I
mean, give me a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS
with a limp.

Day 3:
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday I saw a picture
of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

Day 4:
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his
"problem." It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things
will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, "This time, I'd
rather not have your mother join us." (I think this will work. I replaced
his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.)

Day 7:
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. (No pun intended.) Yesterday at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they
were talking about him. GET OVER YOURSELF! Not everything is about you!

Day 8:
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the
lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

Day 10:
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. To
make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with Hard Cider! The photo
of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I going to do?

Day 11:
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue.
The other day we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet. He thought it
was "The Smurfs Do Denmark."

Day 12:
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and
Decker.

Day 13:
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying
"fabulous" and still he keeps coming after me!

Day 14:
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes,
there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's
hope he's like President Bush and pulls out in 100 days.

Day 15:
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started
dressing like a nun. Now he tells me "Sister Wendy" revs his motor.

Day 16:
I may just have to kill him! Then he'll go out the way he wants to:
STIFF! But with my luck, I probably won't be able to close the casket.

KOTH-Steel Claw · « **Reply #70 on:** May 02, 2003, 06:26:42 am »

Thought for the day....

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to

stomp the shi+ out of them until they turn into something acceptable to

have dinner with.

KOTH-Steel Claw · « **Reply #73 on:** May 02, 2003, 07:29:07 am »

Miss Merna, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.

Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Merna had flipped or something...!

When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer. "Miss Merna," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter!"

News:

Topic: The Official SFC2.net Battle of the Sexes Thread (Read 10913 times) var addthis_config = {"data_track_clickback":true};

gornrule

Ishmael VII

FPF_TraceyG

SSCF_Paladin

FPF_TraceyG

TheMaverick

KOTH-Steel Claw

Dizzy

KOTH-Steel Claw

FPF_TraceyG

**DONOTDELETE**

Dopler

KOTH-Steel Claw

gornrule

Black

Losiack

FatherTed

Dopler

Dopler

Corbomite

Kroma_BaSyl

Corbomite

Goose

Soreyes

DH123

DH123

J'inn

J'inn

Corbomite

Kroma_BaSyl

Maxillius

Green

KOTH-Steel Claw

KOTH-Steel Claw

FPF_TraceyG

Hondo_8

KOTH-Steel Claw

KOTH-Steel Claw

DH123

FPF_TraceyG

Black

Hondo_8

FPF_TraceyG

KBF-Dogmatix

FPF_TraceyG

**DONOTDELETE**

KATChuutRitt

Soreyes

Daew Anahos

Maxillius

J'inn

KBF-Dogmatix

Karnak

FPF_TraceyG

Kroma_BaSyl

KATChuutRitt

Maxillius

J'inn

KRolling

Corbomite

KOTH-Steel Claw

KOTH-Steel Claw

CW-Frankk

J'inn

Green

KRolling

Maxillius

9th Thrain

Tao

Tao

KOTH-Steel Claw

KRolling

Kroma_BaSyl

KOTH-Steel Claw

Topic: The Official SFC2.net Battle of the Sexes Thread (Read 10913 times)

DONOTDELETE

DONOTDELETE