Topic: The Official SFC2.net Battle of the Sexes Thread

[gornrule]

  This one's for you Tracey.  Saw it and loved it.  Zings you twice.  HAH!

   THE AGES OF WOMAN:

    Between the ages of 16-18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

    Between 19-35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

    Between 36-45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

    Between 46-56, she is like Europe, exhausted, but still with points of interest.

    After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows its down there but who gives a damn?


   All in fun, let the flames begin!


Gwarlock

[Ishmael VII]

Pulls up chaise lounge and a cooler and plops down.

"This will be better than that whole Bobby Riggs v. Billie Jean King thingie."

Realizes how old he is and starts drinking.



 

[FPF_TraceyG]

A WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
 

[SSCF_Paladin]

Tracey, I get the feeling they're picking on you...

... just call it a hunch, hon.  

[FPF_TraceyG]

Well, Gwarlock does love to battle, so it's only natural he would want to combine is two most favorite hobbies together...

So, it's the men vs. the women... hmmm, <looks around for the rest of the women>... it seems we have about a 500:1 ration of men to women here, just a little unfair, don't you think?? After all, one woman is worth far more than 500 men... <snicker>

[TheMaverick]

Quote:
  This one's for you Tracey.  Saw it and loved it.  Zings you twice.  HAH!

   THE AGES OF WOMAN:

    Between the ages of 16-18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

    Between 19-35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

    Between 36-45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

    Between 46-56, she is like Europe, exhausted, but still with points of interest.

    After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows its down there but who gives a damn?


   All in fun, let the flames begin!


Gwarlock  

Man the rolling pins are gonna fly tonight!

[KOTH-Steel Claw]

I know I will catch hell for the following, but I just couldn't resist the temptation to answer.

 

Quote:
 Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

Of course, men hate to shop....
-

Quote:
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

who are 18-20 years old.
-

Quote:
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

And all the women don't suffer from terminal PMS.
-

Quote:
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

And an extra woman or two to appreciate it.
-

Quote:
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

So they can collect welfare.
-

Quote:
Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

Which is much better than groweing old and cranky.
-

Quote:
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Because sometimes the woman is just too ugly for one case of beer.
-

Quote:
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

Well duh, women have no brains, nothin' much left.
-

Quote:
How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

And at the bar women go on and on and on and on, so quit clowning around and just put out.
-

Quote:
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

And the same urge that makes women buy shoes they may wear once.
-

Quote:
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

For the same thing.
-

Quote:
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Huh? (had to put one in for the ladies so they don't feel so inferior)
-

Quote:
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

They keep you trim.
-

Quote:
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Can't blame the husband. He has had a year of nagging to endure already.
-

Quote:
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

I thought it was to keep the woman hooked so she would be around for the next episode.
-

Quote:
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Good thing too. Do you realize what you would be talking out of when you get older?
-

Quote:
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

No, i think it's "Important Women In History."
-

Quote:
What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

And women get wrinkles.
-

Quote:
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
 

So they still have room for more. Women are just full of shi....  
-

EDITED for clarity. Must be the second caser of beer.

[Dizzy]

Men do not need women... We have both the X and the Y chromosome. We can buy those realistic looking Real Dolls. We have vaseline...

If we want to cuddle... we have a pillow.

If we want dinner cooked and the house cleaned, we have Pizza Hut and the Shop Vac.

If we need companionship, we have our faithful dog who will always love us no matter what.

There is nothing a woman has that men cant replace or do without.

Tell me ONE single thing a woman has that men cannot live w/o? Eh?

God I hope my wife doesnt read this...

[KOTH-Steel Claw]

 

Quote:
 God I hope my wife doesnt read this...  

Oh my god! I better edit my post quickly!

[FPF_TraceyG]

A newly wed couple are preparing for their matrominal evening on the first night of their honeymoon. As they begin to disrobe, the husband pauses for a moment and decides to point something out to his wife. Passing his pants to her, he says,
"Honey, would you try putting these on for me?"
"Sure, snuggleblosson", she replies taking the pants.
Well, she slips them easily over her far more slender frame than his, however, they won't stay up. She says,
"I'm sorry honey, but these pants are just too big, they don't fit!"
To which he replies,
"That's right, I wear the pants around here, just thought we would get that cleared up right now."
The wife thinks about this for a moment.
"Oh snuggleblossom, would you try putting these on for me?", she says passing him her knickers.
"Of course, dearest!" he replies.
Well, he struggles for awhile to get them on but can't seem to get them much past his knees.
"I'm sorry honey, but they're too small, I just can't get into them."
To which she replies,
"And that's the way it's going to stay around here until your attitude changes!!"

[**DONOTDELETE**]

The old man has a mild heart attack...

At the office...the doctor asked the man to leave for a sec so he can talk to his wife....

Alone...He tells the wife...

"your husband has had a mild attack"....

"I want you to do three things"...

"He eats too much colesterol....cook good healthy meals for him...dont let him fend for himself"...

"Lower his stress levels....stop fighting with him so much....stress is a killer"

"Improve his cardio vascular system...give him a roll in the hay at least twice a week"...

"If you do this three things...he will live much longer"

The wife nods and heads out to the waiting room...

The old man asks..."what did the doctor say honey?"

she says..."your gonna die"

 

In the far future:...we will be able to recycle brains:

A husband suffers brain trauma in an accident....so the wife goes shopping for a replacement....at the brain store she asks for sales help...

"I see that the womans brains are 100,000 credits a piece...but the mens are only 1 credit.....thats because the womans brains are superior...right?"

The salesman replies " No mam...its because the mens brains are used"

 

 

[Dopler]

Quote:
A WOMEN'S PERSPECTIVE

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
Dating children.

How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
All he cared about were legs, breasts, and thighs.

How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.

Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites attract.

Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
 

Yea and ?????? Is there somethjing wrong with our behavior ????  I must be missing something  

[KOTH-Steel Claw]

A man and his new wife are riding in his wagon heading back to what will be their new home on a warm summer day. The horse pulling the wagon stumbled.

"That's one" the farmer said.

A few minutes later the horse had to stop while pulling the load uphill, almost causing the wagon to move backwards.

"That's two" the farmer said.

Not long after that, the horse stumbled again on the rut laden road.

"That's three" the farmer said. He then pulled out his shotgun and shot the horse dead.

"You idiot" screamed the wife, "How do you think we are going to get the wagon back to your farm? It has to be at least another five miles and we are going to have to walk in this heat!"

"That's one" said the farmer.

 

 

[gornrule]

Long story short:

   A woman gets married and has 9 children with her husband.  Unfortunately, he passes away.  She remarries, and has 10 children with her second husband.   Then he too, passes away.  She remarries again, has 8 children with her third husband, and then they both pass on.  At the funeral, all the children are gathered as the priest delivers the eulogy.  It's quite beautiful, and at the very end the priest simply says, 'Now they will be together.'

   This puzzles an older daughter and she seeks the priest out after the ceremony.
   'Father,' she says,' when you said now they would be together did you mean her first husband, her second, or her third?'

   'I meant her legs.'


Gwarlock

[Black]

Who started this post anyway?   Ummmmmmmm ....

Lots of issues here I see ...


P.S. J'inn, you are a brave man!  

[Losiack]

I refuse to get involved in a Battle of the Sexes with the Hydrans. They have a 3 to 2 advantage against all the other races.


SPQR Losiack
Correspondant for the Internal Romulan Information Service
The IRIS sees all

[FatherTed]

J'inn, have you ever considered joining the Priesthood?  

[Dopler]

Quote:
I refuse to get involved in a Battle of the Sexes with the Hydrans. They have a 3 to 2 advantage against all the other races.


SPQR Losiack
Correspondant for the Internal Romulan Information Service
The IRIS sees all  

"Snickers"

[Dopler]

Quote:
Lord help me . .  .   I can't resist . . .

A hideously true story to show why women are bad at math.

I was in Phoenix this weekend with Shopasuarus Rex.    Now a round trip ticket would have been about $180.00.   That's all, just $180.00.  

Now of course this was "regular price." A concept unknown to Shopasaurus.  FOr in her world if it ain't on sale it ain't getting bought.   heck she'll drive 100 miles to save $40.00 on something.  Nevermind that the gas for the trip cost $50.00!!!   Hence the math problem.

So . . .  .

Through some underhanded finagling she got me what is known as a Buddy Pass.   For $60.00 round trip I got to fly to Pheonix from D.C.   Trick is,  I have to fly stand by.   Which means if the plane is full I don't go.  

But hey I'M SAVING $120.00 RIGHT!!!!!!

Well Pheonix was nice.   Let's see I got to see:

1)  The Mesa Flea Market <abandon all hope ye who enter this hell hole.  I the desert.  Out doors mostly.  No air conditioning.   Packed with middle aged lard arsed angry women>

2)   a Ross

3)   a Target

4)   a Wal-Mart

5)   the "Fashion  (God give me strength) Mall"

6)   a Hair Salon

7)  and a Krespy Kreme   YAY!!

Then it's time to leave.   Well . . .  

First I gotta get to Denver cause all flights go to Denver.   Shop. Rex  calls the airline and we are told that the flights are booked except for the first flight out.   She says, "We'll Be There!!"

Okay, then I am advised that the flight is at 7:00 am  which means I need to get up at 4:00 am  which due to the time difference my body thinks is 1:00 am.  I'm told this at about midnight.   UGH!!!!

So there I am at the airport.  

My overnight bag.  CHECK!
Girlfriend's purse that weights 100 lbs and has absolutely nothing that she ever needs in it. CHECK!
GF's overnight bag.  CHECK
FIVE, COUNT THEM FIVE, shopping bags fulla crap!!!!!   CHECK!!
One dead tired, crabby, unshaven J'inn.  CHECK!!!

Well it's close but we make it to Denver.

Then in Denver ebverything falls apart.   The plane to D.C.  only has one seat left.   GF needs to be at work on Monday.  So off she goes.

Now there I am.  Stuck in Denver.  The airport of which is 20 miles from the nearest sign of life.  With an overnight bag and THREE of her shopping bags which all say WAL-MART on them.   Guys in the airport are pointing and snickering and I just want to die.

Then I'm told.  "Sorry sir bu the next flight isn't for 10 hours. And we're not sure you will even get on it."

Well right about now I want to cry.  That and those Krispy Kremes are tell my colon to send nasty notes to my brain.

So I figure I'll get a room somewhere.  I call some hotel.  $100 a day!!!   Screw that!!!    Okay,  I'm smarter than the average weasel.  I'll rent a car and go to a movie or two.

So I get a car.

Price $50.00

SAVINGS NOW EQUALS  $70.00

I ask for directions to the nearest movie theatre.  The Hertz Agent, a lovely woman, actually looks at my bags and says  "Ooo I love a man that isn't afraid to shop."    <sigh>

Well I get my car. And off I go.

Soon thereafter I get lost.   REAL LOST!!!!  Well whatever I got time to kill right??

So I driving around out on the high plains.   Hmmm,  not many cars, houses, humans, animals,  golly this is nice.   And then it happens.   BLOW OUT!!!!     (*^$*$_$(&$)(*$&(   Damn flat tire!!!   Grumble.

SO I pull over and attempt to change the spare.  Oooo a real spare, not one of those cheap donuts.  And gosh it has no (*&)#$(*&#)(^#)*(& air in it!!!

GRUMBLE.

So I call Hertz.    They say they will send a tow truck and that I could see it sometime soon.   I inform them that I am in the middle of the desert with nothing but my clothes and a bunch of new ladies' clothes from Wal-Mart.  They say, well we can get there but you do realize it'll be a while.

Two hours later I'm close to dehydration.  The tow guy gets there only to find that there is something wrong with the spare so he has to tow me.   Grumble!

Well finally the car gets fixed.   By now I'm staraving so I get some food at a restaurant.    $20.00

SAVINGS = $50.00

Well that and gas since I now need some.  $5.00

SAVINGS = $45.00

So I get directions to a movie theatre and off I go.

Only thing I'm vaguely interested in is The Core so I see that.  (It sucked)   $10.00

SAVINGS = $35.00.

I come out of the theatre and the )^$*&$)(*$&) tire is flat!!

A few hours later.  It's fixed but by now I'm late for the airport!!!!

SO I haul ass.  Ya know those little rental cars can go fast.  Why the nice Denver State Trooper told me that I was doing 80.   Gosh.     Fine  $130.00!!!!

SAVINGS  =  LOSS OF $95.00

So I fishtail into the rental return lot.  No time to fill the stupid tank I'll let the rental company do it.  Of course they then tell me that if they fill it it's at $5.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  a gallon.   COST  =  Don't know yet.  Est.  $40.00.

SAVINGS = LOSS OF $135.00

I get to the gate.  I'm told I won't get on and I'll have to spend the night in Denver!!!!!!!!!!!1 ARRRRRGggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!  Well as fate would have it, a seat did open up.  The last aisle.  You know, the ones that can't recline.  Middle seat? Oh but of course.  Between teo sweaty fat guys?   WHy certainly.

So there I am on the plane.  Figuring 3 hours of hell but at least I'll be home!!!   Then the announcement hits.  

"Erm, folks, I'm afraid we don't have a pilot."

WHAT!!??   Didn't you know that before we got on the plane!!???  

Well eventually they find a pilot  (30 minutes later) I just hope he wasn't at the bar.

Right about now the GF calls.  She informs me that her flight was lovely. That she is home in bed.  And GOSH darn it ain't it great that she saved me so much money on this trip?

I inform her of my day.  She tells me that it's all my fault because I should have just waited all day at the airport and the bottom line is that I SAVED $120.00!!  on the ticket.

Well at least the three hour flight went by quickly.  TIme flies when you are planning the perfect murder.

hmmmmmm..... does Shopasaurus Rex have a sister thats already married ???? If so , soon we will brother in laws

 














 




     

[Corbomite]

J'inn, Stapleton airport in Denver? You are telling me you couldn't find something to do there? I haven't been to Denver in years I admit, but that was one of the most enjoyable airports to be "stuck" in I have ever been in. It was designed for people who get snowed in for days at a time. Hell, they must have at least 15 bars in that joint alone!