Topic: Dear Hondo  (Read 21771 times)

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gornrule

  • Guest
Dear Hondo
« on: April 15, 2003, 12:30:58 am »
   Having been a 'pimp daddy' for most of my life, I was glad for the opportunity to 'drop some knowledge' for my fellow man.  You have to ask yourself some serious questions:

    1) Is she hot?

     While the answer seems to be a simple 'yes or no', it actually has many levels.  Is she always this hot? Have you seen her in the morning, sans makeup?  Would she wear a bikini or a one piece?  Does she THINK she's hot?  Does she KNOW she's hot?  Would she be worth the trouble she'll INEVITABLY bring you in the long run?  Will she be hot in 5, 10, 15 years?
What's she look like in a skirt? Would she wear a thong to a baptism?
These all are important questions you need to know before you get serious.

    2) Can she support herself?

     The fact that you already took her shopping only implies to the woman that you will spend an inordinate amount of cash to get in her pants.  This is a bad sign for you.  She will only expect an increase in spending, proportionate to the amount of 'touchy touchy' allowed.  You must stop this behavior forthwith.  Feel free to 'go dutch' whenever the opportunity arises.  If she is a 'enlightened woman' she won't feel hurt or threatened, she'll respect your candor, it'll save you cash, and you will be able to see just how much cash she brings to the table.  Don't be a miser, but don't think you have to buy everything, either.

     3)  How long will you wait for some semblance of physical contact?

    NOT saying that you, or she, has to 'put out' on the first date.  The inevitable questions will follow.  Too much, too early versus too little too late.  It's a delicate balance.  Hold hands, a gentle hug, a close dance, an arm over the shoulder.  I think if the connection is there, you should look forward to the first kiss.  But each has its own timetable.  Nothing is more awkward than a clumsy, ill timed grab at cleavage on a first date.  But, if she shies away from any contact at all, she is either 1) using you for your money 2) thinks of you as a friend or brother (relationship DEATH) 3) has a physical defect/disease that she will spring on you, usually when the symptoms first appear.  Take your time, and put a helmet on that soldier!

     While it is true that most women are heartless, evil beings, there is a CHANCE that she is actually a woman worth dating.  My advice is to take your time, buy stuff if you feel like it, buy some breath mints and deodorant, and make her laugh.  Trust me, it's the little things that win the war of the sexes.  And if all else fails, see if she has any hot friends.


    Sincerely,

    G Dear Abby Warlock
 
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 pm by gornrule »

KATChuutRitt

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hooch
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2003, 12:35:36 am »
Nice post Gwarlock,

But it was Hondo who was putting that question to you not Hooch........

Oh, and don't waste your time on Hooch he's already a lost cause........

TheMaverick

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hooch
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2003, 03:13:09 am »
Warlock can't keep track of which feds have the problems... He remembers them just as well as he remembers all his 'hoes' names

KRolling

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hooch
« Reply #3 on: April 15, 2003, 06:01:37 am »
 ****WHAP!!!****  

CW-Frankk

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hooch
« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2003, 02:52:10 pm »
Quote:

 ****WHAP!!!****  




Mav fall with cracked skul to the floor victim of Mortal Rolling Pin  

DH123

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hooch
« Reply #5 on: April 28, 2003, 04:55:24 pm »
Okay Hondo , update time . . .

Did you bang her?    

SSCF Hooch

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hooch
« Reply #6 on: April 28, 2003, 05:02:02 pm »
Quote:

Okay Hondo , update time . . .

Did you bang her?    




<stunned>

Hondo_8

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #7 on: April 28, 2003, 05:28:12 pm »
Quote:

Okay Hondo , update time . . .

Did you bang her?    





What do you mean DID?    

Ishmael VII

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #8 on: April 28, 2003, 05:36:32 pm »
An insightful post Mr. Gwarlock.  It contains much truth.

  : Ducks truth seeking rolling pin :

Allow me to expound on this . . .



Quote:

 
    1) Is she hot?

     While the answer seems to be a simple 'yes or no', it actually has many levels.  Is she always this hot? Have you seen her in the morning, sans makeup?  Would she wear a bikini or a one piece?  Does she THINK she's hot?  Does she KNOW she's hot?  Would she be worth the trouble she'll INEVITABLY bring you in the long run?  Will she be hot in 5, 10, 15 years?
What's she look like in a skirt? Would she wear a thong to a baptism?
These all are important questions you need to know before you get serious.





Is she hot is subjective.  If you are attracted to her, she is hot.   Does she think she is hot however, is objective.  Not an objective sigh of her hotness mind you, but an objective sign of her PITA Rating.

If she thinks she is a dog you'll have to deal with someone insecure.  That can be a problem but bearable.  If she thinks her rump should be encased in bronze and placed in the Smithstonian . . .   your life will be hell.

Seek a woman with egotistical balance grasshopper.


Thong to baptism???

Yes, an important if little known test.  Gwarlock is disclosing top secret guy stuff here.   Women who dress in night club appropriate clothing to church are nothing but trouble.   There is the VERY subtile Catholic exception to this rule but that is just WAYYYYY too secret for this forum.

Things to look for:

1) Tight pants and yet no panty lines.   Hmmmmm.   THONG ALERT!!!  

2)  Tight dress requiring lots of wiggling to kneel for communion.  

3)   More than one hour spent in the confessional.

4)   When the Reverend says: "You are forgiven for your sins"  She yells out  WHAT A GUY!!!

All danger signs for a long term relationship.


Then there is the:

I take you for better or for worse test.

Which really should read  "I take you for bigger and for fatter."

Simple rule of thumb.   Add 20 pounds per year post marriage.  

So if she has that sexy "jiggle when she wiggles" now, you'll need a good chiropractor in ten years for your lower back.  Trust me here.


Quote:



    2) Can she support herself?






Avoid women who cannot seem to figure out what size bra they actually require.   If you think "Man, did I over inflate the tires on the car?" everytime you see here, that is trouble.   Trust me here also.

Quote:



     3)  How long will you wait for some semblance of physical contact?







For long term relationships , i.e., mother of your children . . . .  The following test applies.  DO NOT USE FOR SHORT TERM RELATIONSHIPS!!!!  IF YOU DO, YOUR SINGLE LIFE WILL BE DULL.  REMEMBER: There are only two types of women in the world.  Ones you marry and ones you don't.

So for the test . . .  .

Panties hit the floor on the:

First Date -    Ms. Wrong.

Second Date - Ms.  Wrong.

Panties?  What panties?  - MS. WRONG!!

Third date - Gray area.

First time she drinks with you.  - Ms. Wrong.

Right after she says,  how open minded are you about transgender issues -  MS. WRONG!!

Not until after the wedding.  - DANGER DANGER DANGER.  See Transgender issues!!!  Demand pre-nupitual confirmation!!

Not for one year -  Well  if it is incredible.  MS. RIGHT.  If she says,  "I hate this time of the year" afterwards.  MS. WRONG!

If she says sure, but can you tell me which direction the closest Macy's is so I know which way to face?  - MS. WRONG!!

If she says,  ewwwwww, icky sweaty stuff!  Let's just go shopping instead.  - MS. WRONG!!

If it's about when you would not have a fit if it was your ADULT daughter - MS. RIGHT!



:Gets pummeled into unconsciousness by Multiple Warhead Rolling Pin:
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 pm by Ishmael VII »

Ishmael VII

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2003, 05:43:49 pm »
Quote:

Quote:

Okay Hondo , update time . . .

Did you bang her?    






What do you mean DID?    





MS. WRONG!!!!

Have fun though.  

FPF_TraceyG

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2003, 11:10:29 pm »
So, let me get this straight, Mrs Right has to abstain from sex for how long?? A year?? Has to wear granny knickers ?? (no thongs allowed), Has to dress in church clothes?? Needs good child bearing hips??? Wears the right size bra??? Doesnt drink alchohol??? Has to wear something to the beach??? (one or two piece), and you want Financial independance, Unconditional fidelity, Cooking and Kleening skills, (s), as well???
Is there some training course for this, Traditional Housewife 101, or is therapy available long term??



 

Kroma_BaSyl

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2003, 11:20:21 pm »
Quote:

So, let me get this straight, Mrs Right has to abstain from sex for how long?? A year?? Has to wear granny knickers ?? (no thongs allowed), Has to dress in church clothes?? Needs good child bearing hips??? Wears the right size bra??? Doesnt drink alchohol??? Has to wear something to the beach??? (one or two piece), and you want Financial independance, Unconditional fidelity, Cooking and Kleening skills, (s), as well???
Is there some training course for this, Traditional Housewife 101, or is therapy available long term??



 




Well don't sweat it Tracy Kroma likes the slutty girls Heck I married one.

FPF_TraceyG

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #12 on: April 28, 2003, 11:20:53 pm »
Some thoughts on men then...

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and have bought jewellery.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men are very confident people. My ex-boyfriend was so confident that when he watched sports on television, he thought that if he concentrated he could help his team. If the team was in trouble, he coached the players from the living room, and if they were really in trouble, I would have to get off the phone in case they called him.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow instead of a gun.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear into the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and nerdy

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say, "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed. Get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor, two inches from the door.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right" because he got older, got a new job, or visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.

No man is charming all the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

When four or more women get together, they talk about men.

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice voluntarily.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause -- you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened  

gornrule

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2003, 11:38:11 pm »
Quote:

So, let me get this straight, Mrs Right has to abstain from sex for how long?? A year?? Has to wear granny knickers ?? (no thongs allowed), Has to dress in church clothes?? Needs good child bearing hips??? Wears the right size bra??? Doesnt drink alchohol??? Has to wear something to the beach??? (one or two piece), and you want Financial independance, Unconditional fidelity, Cooking and Kleening skills, (s), as well???
Is there some training course for this, Traditional Housewife 101, or is therapy available long term??



 



 I'll answer these individually, as there has been some confusion.

 1) No, Mrs Right doesn't have to abstain from sex.  The relationship should be consummated when the two parties feel it's right. It could take an hour, or a month.  Either's fine.  But I recommend the hour.

 2) No, Mrs Right doesn't have to wear 'granny panties'.  Or a thong.  Miss Right should be confident enough in herself that she could go commando, AND make a pair of granny panties look downright appetizing.  It's all about the 'tude, baby.

 3) She doesn't have to dress in 'church clothes'.  Unless she's going to church. OR you're playin 'Saints and Sinners'.  But that's covered later in the advanced courses.

 4) Whether a woman wears a bra or not is her decision.  Just make sure you can pull it off, or we'll be laughing at you like women laugh at the fat guy who wears a speedo to the beach.  Banana hammocks ain't for everyone.

 5) Doesn't drink alcohol is a personal preference.  Fine balance is needed.  Male ego won't let us date someone who can outdrink us.  But inhibitions don't lower themselves.  Beer goggles work the same way for women as they do for men.

 6) It depends on what kind of beaches you frequent.

 7) Financial independence is great, but not necessary.  Money splits up a high percentage of couples.  She doesn't have to be Rockefeller, but she should bring something to the table.  Unconditional fidelity.  Personal choice.  Cooking and cleaning skills are options.  It 's a partnership.  I cook, wifey cleans.  Find your own balance.

 Gwarlock

FPF_TraceyG

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2003, 11:50:35 pm »
I forgot to mention that men are not good at recognising subtleties either...
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 pm by Tracey Greenough »

gornrule

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #15 on: April 28, 2003, 11:53:07 pm »
 Huh?



Gwarlock

FPF_TraceyG

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2003, 11:56:23 pm »
<rolls eyes> I rest my case!

Read the post again, oh grammatically anacronomeously correct one... (if that isn't enough of a hint, I don't know what is... lol!!)
« Last Edit: December 31, 1969, 06:00:00 pm by Tracey Greenough »

FatherTed

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #17 on: April 28, 2003, 11:57:10 pm »
 
Quote:

 Is she hot is subjective. If you are attracted to her, she is hot. Does she think she is hot however, is objective. Not an objective sigh of her hotness mind you, but an objective sign of her PITA Rating.
 




True. I dated a girl for a few months who was extremely hot. Her problem was she knew she was hot, and expected to hear from all around that she was hot. I got bored listening to her go on and on about how good looking she was and broke up with her, which didn't sit well with her, because she was so hot that no guy had ever broken up with her. She kept nagging me for a couple of months afterward to go out so she could break up with me, but never got the chance. Besides, her idea of a great date was to go shopping.    

Ishmael VII

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #18 on: April 29, 2003, 12:15:16 am »
Quote:

I forgot to mention that men are not good at recognising subtleties either...  




Erm . . .    


Hmm, maybe we should shut up Lizard Breath,  I hate to prove another's point.

BTW Tracey,  the ladies at my office enjoyed your list.  LOL.

Some saw my and Gwarlock's post as well.  They, ummm,  disagreed.  Ahem.   I'll be hiding in the bathroom tomorrow.

 

Hondo_8

  • Guest
Re: Dear Hondo
« Reply #19 on: April 29, 2003, 12:40:47 am »
All the happily married guys are laughing at me right now, I know they are. You know why those happily married guys are laughing at me? I'll tell you. Your at work on a monday morning morning shooting the breeze with the guys, telling them about your weekend exploits, letting those Older guys live vicariously through your stories (so you think). They keep telling you how lucky you are being able to do what you do, and they say they would do the same if they were not married, and blah blah blah. Well those happily married guys are only egging you on couse they know you aint got the balls to commit, and they dont want you getting in on what they already know, they want to hog all the fun for themselves being happily married. I know this is true, couse if it aint why the hell do folks get married? Its a big conspiry to keep the bachalor stories circulating couse its good enternment. We all know this is true. Us bachalors have functional furniture, a couch that you can sleep on, a rug that has beer stains on it, Cds scattered about the bookcase, enough food in the fridge for half a day.  Tolet paper that sits either on the floor, or on the comode. The only time we clean is when s woman is comming over. Those of us that have girl friends find our space being INVADED by tampons and wine. Rugs that match the curtians, Dishes washed, our dresser draws filled with the Non sexy underwear.  


Married Men, have no control over the bedroom, just which side of the bed they sleep on. ( Notice thats all that matters). The furniture in the house matches, but the married man still retains His chair. The kitchen is stocked with food, and you have new plates and glasses. The married man has no need to keep calling his answering machine from work to make sure there are no incrimanating messages on the machine, the married man actuall can call his wife and have a short to the point converstaion, with out her getting bent out of shape becouse you did not have a converstaion.  This woman has married you, and you have had time to break her in, and of course this means you have been brocken in, but Men like this, combfort is a valuable comodotity.  Dating is very diffrent from marrage,  Dating no matter how long, this woman has not commited to you, and that leaves a question mark about her, a marred woman has committed and has excepted you for you. None of those silly mind games, atleast none that you cant handle.


Random thoughts.....by