Topic: Romulans in possession of WMDs in direct violation of UN mandate. (Read 2674 times)

Kroma_BaSyl · « **on:** March 26, 2003, 07:43:18 pm »

Romulans in possession of WMDs in direct violation of UN mandate.

Galactic News Network (GNN)

GNN News Anchor: ?This just in, Federation and Gorn representatives are reporting that they have verifiable evidence that the Romulans are employing WMD in direct violation of the ?Useless Nuisances? (UN?s) resolution number 14,041,000,000. We go now to the Alliance?s joint news briefing now in progress at Starfleet Headquarters.?

Cut to shot of Admiral Hooch of Starfleet speaking to reporters from behind a podium, Admiral Iaidoka of Gorn Strategic Command is standing to his left.

Adm Hooch: ?Several days ago Alliance Forces deployed in the Romulan neutral zone uncovered evidence that the Romulans have been developing and deploying WMDs in direct violation of UN resolution number 14,041,000,000. These reports have just been verified by Section 31 operatives in the field. I will now turn the microphone over to my distinguished Gorn colleague, Admiral Iaidoka, who has further details surrounding this disturbing new revelation of Romulan treachery and complete disregard for intergalactic law and the rules of war. Admiral Iaidoka if you will?.?

Adm Iaidoka: ?It was recently discovered that a mysterious illness that has been plaguing Gorn war veterans was the result of a Romulan bioengineered virus. The symptoms include nausea, lack of appetite, vomiting, explosive diarrhea and a disgusting pink discoloration of the scales?..ummmm?.?

Iaidoka nervously glances at Hooch, and then quickly leans over and is overheard whispering ?but it looks good on you, my little lap monkey?

Adm Iaidoka: ??.getting back to the matter at hand?..I will now show the proof of this heinous crime. If someone will please lower the lights?.?

A collective sigh goes up from the gathered reporters as they steel themselves for another of the Gorn strategist?s infamous and lengthy OPORDS

Iaidoka quickly adds: ?no, no, no, I just want to show you an image of one of the plague victims?.Hooch if you please?.?

As the lights are dimmed the following image of renowned and beloved Captain Kroma BaSyl is displayed by the overhead gornographic imager

The shock and horror of the assembled press corps is apparent in the audible gasps and muffled shrieks that ensued.

Adm Iaidoka: ?Please everyone remain calm?.I know how upsetting it must be to see Captain Kroma?s beauty so horribly disfigured by the Romulan Empires illegal use of WMDs, but rest assured we are doing everything possible to hasten our lovely Kroma?s full recovery and complete restoration of drop dead gorgeousness. In fact, this next image shows a rapidly recovering Kroma, it is amazing what modern cosmetics and a little TLC administered at Hstaphath_XCs Adobe and Spa can do these days.?

After the loud sigh of relief and adulation dies down Iaidoka continues.

Adm Iaidoka: ??which brings me to my next point. The Alliance would like to formally announce that it has just appointed Captain Kroma to the position of Supreme Allied Commander in charge of leading the campaign of ?Shock and Awe? to disarm the Romulan Empire of it?s WMDs, as well as institute a regime change of the criminal Romulan government. Now before I turn the microphone back over to Admiral Hooch, are there any questions??

Reporter for the Galactic Enquire: ?Can you tell us when this campaign of ?Shock and Awe? will begin, and if not exactly how will we know that it has??

Adm Iaidoka becoming testy replies: ?At least 48 hours after that friggin slacker Herr Burt releases the damn map! As for how you will know, trust me you will know it when you see it <shudder>.?

Reporter for Al Tal'Shiazeera: ?Not that we care about the truth, but can you share with us any proof that the Romulan Empire had anything to do with Captain Kroma coming into contact with this virus, and that this is not just more Alliance propaganda??

Adm Iaidoka: ?While the details aren?t classified and have in fact been reported in an earlier thread Galactic Enquirer: Mirak Political Scandal, they are far to graphic to repeat in mixed company. Suffice it to say this all could have been avoided had these two ?ships that pasted in the night? practiced a little prevention. So remember soldiers let?s keep those rub?..errr?.helmets on while engaging in risky late night maneuvers.?

Reporter for the Galactic Enquire: ?Is there any truth to the rumor that is was in fact Chuut Ritt and not Minister J?inn from whom Captain Kroma contracted this disfiguring disease? I mean com?on we all know how Kroma gets around.?

Adm Iaidoka: ?As was also reported in an earlier thread Protecting J?inn, that affair suffered from Kzinti-interuptous when the cad Chuut Ritt blew his entire wad of drones prematurely and then hightailed it to the border explaining that he had to ?get up early tomorrow? thus leaving poor Kroma in an extremely frustrated, yet uninfected state. Well if that is all the questions I would like to relinquish the podium to Admiral Hooch who has additional information about the failed diplomatic effort to avoid this war.?

Adm Hooch: ?Section 31 operatives recently obtained a copy of an ISC invoice for amphibian sex toys being sold to the Romulan Empire. This invoice contained several banned items that the ISC has previously denied importing to Romulus, and we believe points to the true motivations behind the supposedly ?peace loving? ISCs recent threat to veto the Alliance?s proposed UN resolution 14,041,000,000 and 1. Among the banned items listed on this invoice are several thousand ?like new? ISC phasor riffles (never fired, only dropped once). We would also note our extreme disappointment in being unable to uncover any evidence that the ISC was supplying military advisors to the Romulan Empire, which as you know means we can?t be sure whether or not the Romulans have been properly trained in surrendering tactics.?

Cut back to GNN news headquarters.

GNN News Anchor: ?Well there you have it folks it looks like this time it means war.?

?Stay tuned, as coming up next is ?the Factor? with our very own Billy-boy O?ImRealyRiledUp who is calling for a boycott of all ISC goods, so that means we will all have to learn to deal without all that ISC cheese this go around (i.e no more Cavets, PPDs, I-torps or CCZs). Remember to tune in tomorrow when our DOE war coverage continues and our embedded war correspondents help to answer the questions you want to know most, like will Kroma ever dance again, why do those dirty frogs hate us so much, have Chuut Ritt and J?inn really gone over to the Roms, and what exactly is Kroma hiding under that tutu anyway.?

{editors note} The preceeding is a fictional story, any similarity to current events is coincidental....well except for the cracks about the French.....errrr....frogs.

Julin Eurthyr · « **Reply #1 on:** March 26, 2003, 08:13:09 pm »

Quote:

Adm Hooch: Section 31 operatives recently obtained a copy of an ISC invoice for amphibian sex toys being sold to the Romulan Empire. This invoice contained several banned items that the ISC has previously denied importing to Romulus, and we believe points to the true motivations behind the supposedly ‘peace loving’ ISCs recent threat to veto the Alliance’s proposed UN resolution 14,041,000,000 and 1. Among the banned items listed on this invoice are several thousand ‘like new’ ISC phasor riffles (never fired, only dropped once). We would also note our extreme disappointment in being unable to uncover any evidence that the ISC was supplying military advisors to the Romulan Empire, which as you know means we can’t be sure whether or not the Romulans have been properly trained in surrendering tactics.”

Ambassador Julin Eurthyr, an ISC cloak covering up his DOE Romulan garb...:
I would like to show that the invoice in possession of Section 31 is an obvious forgery. Neither the ISC, nor the Romulan Empire, use phaser rifles, as the Romulan sidearm is disruptor based, and the ISC's sidearms are only designed to 'stun'.

Also, our testers have been known to drop all weapons at least 5 times (Varkin, Julin's ever-present XO, whispers something in his ear), sorry, 3 times, in order to ensure they will not jam when dropped by someone without the sophisticaton to use our advanced weaponry.

Actually, the ISC's reason for vetoing resolution 14,041,000,,001 was due to the fact that... Julin continues on telepathically to the consternation of the non-psionic reporters. Julin made sure that no psionic beings were within range of his "speech"...

And, I would like to state Kroma's affliction was due to imbibing low-quality Federation chocodiles. Had he continued using the now-embargoed ISC chocodiles, which are made of only the finest quality materials, he would never have fallen to that poor, pink fate.

Thank you for your attention.

KOTH-Steel Claw · « **Reply #2 on:** March 26, 2003, 08:14:00 pm »

We are innocent I tell you. You weapons inspectors were allowed full access to all sites that you knew about. Did you find anything? Well, besides the picture of Hooch and that cigar and some lass named Moniker (the name was changed to protect some Pin person)? No, nothing.

We categorically deny anything you have fabricated. We call on the UN to help us, the peace loving Roms, to place useless sanctions and make posturing threats to the agressors who would do the right thing, er ah, try to enforce some worthless resolutions, no, that is not what I wanted to say. Ummmmm. we didn't do nuthin' wrong, you are the bad guys.

The ISC have been unfairly picked on about their cheese. If its gouda nuff for you, it's gouda nuff for me. We are also calling on all races to take to the streets and protest this nonsensical accusations. 14,041,000,000 resolutions? Thats all and you want to go to war? Geeez, we should still have at least another 5 or 6 billion to go through before you are allowed to get angry.

Just for that, we will be raising the price of dilithium crystals. We will be honoring all ocntracts with the ISC for lower prices. If you invade, we will be forced to make all dilithium mines unuseable.

SOSGuderian · « **Reply #4 on:** March 27, 2003, 09:34:50 am »

Weapons of mass destruction? There is something wrong with this?

I've always been of the opinion that the more destruction from one's weapons, the better! Kill them all and let their gods sort them out, I say!

Kortez · « **Reply #5 on:** March 27, 2003, 09:39:26 am »

We Romulans are meant to rule the Galaxy. All you lesser life forms exist to do our will. Whatever weapons we have are ours by right. We will deny nothing. We will admit nothing. We will not discuss it. We will show you what we have, in battle!

Now, please go run along and make any necessary preparations you inferior types need for your afterlife. You will soon learn the truth about THAT!

BTW, the mysterious illness the Lizard Shoes have is called senility!

Have a pleasant day!

Green · « **Reply #6 on:** March 27, 2003, 08:32:57 pm »

Kroma_BaSyl · « **Reply #7 on:** March 27, 2003, 10:21:24 pm »

{editors note: What follows is a graphic depiction of the horrors of war, it is intended that this thread serve as a lesson to future generations, so that they may learn the value of settling disputes in a peaceful fashion. Proceed at your own risk.}

Galactic News Network (GNN)

GNN News Anchor: ???.and it was no surprise to anyone in the audience that the award for the most ?Assenine Celebraty Opinion? went to Michael Mooron. Well that concludes our coverage of this years Oscar Myer Weiner Awards, but stay tuned because your about to enter the No-Win-Zone on the (warp)Factor where our very own Billy-boy O?ImRealyRiledUp (aka Dizzy) will be verbally abusing SOS ?Foxy? Cleopatra of the Al Tal'Shiazeera Subspace Disinformation Network, who will attempt to get a word in edgewise about issues ranging from why frogs stink to peaceful applications of amphibian sex toys. Plus, unprecedented live coverage of the war on the Romulan Empire from our reporters embedded with the troops somewhere deep in the Neutral Zone.?

Billy-boy O?ImRealyRiledUp: ?Warning you are about to enter a No-Win-Zone, so if you don?t agree with me you can just STFU! My special guest tonight is the ?Tokyo Rose? of the Romulan Star Empire, Al Tal'Shiazeera News Fabricator SOS Cleopatra, but first in our ?Mocking Points Manifesto? tonight I would like to point out that #1 everyone with a sense of smell thinks frogs stink, #2 Romulans are sneaky pointy eared bastards, #3 there is no valid sexual application of ISC phasor rifles, #4 I am not compensating for anything, I really am the best damn pilot that ever lived, and finally #5 I?m not wearing any pants.?

Turning to face Cleopatra, Billy-boy continues: ?Well now that we have that out on the table, what say you Ms Cleo??

SOS Cleopatra: ?Billy-boy if I may, I would like to address your first and third points right off the bat, because it is clear that they are nothing more than simple cultural misunderstandings. You see Billy-boy, fragrance and erotica, much like conceptual norms of beauty are in the nose, mind, and ?eye? of the beholder. You see in certain?.?

Billy-boy cutting her off in mid sentence: ?Oooohhh come on! You don?t think you can sit here and tell me, and my viewing audience, that you actually enjoy the stench of an unwashed Meskeen? I will remind you Ms Cleo, that this is a No-Win-Zone.?

SOS Cleopatra: ?Well?.sure I don?t happen to find Meskeen Musk all that pleasing of an aroma, but I would hope you would concede that there are those that just might? I mean the very foundation of your IDIC philosophy states that?.?

Billy-boy in a mocking tone: ?Ok?ok?.Let?s just say for arguments sake that in some backward part of the galaxy there is a group of bicycle seat sniffing weirdos that actually get off on that kind of thing. That still doesn?t explain how a phasor rifle can be used as a sexual enhancement device?.an ISC phasor rifle no less.?

SOS Cleopatra: ?Well I can assure you as a Romulan that there is no form of foreplay that puts a Centurion in the mode for rape like vaporizing his intended victim?s spouse and children first. And furthermore, as a female Romulan I can attest to the usefulness of a phasor rifle for castrating my lovers, you know, so as to insure fidelity. <glancing down at Billy-boy?s unclothed lower half> BTW, I have to admit, as you stated in ?Mocking Point? #4, you aren?t compensating for anything . What are you doing after the show anyway??

In yet another (warp)Factor first, Billy-boy is speechless as he quickly tries to put his pants back on.

Desperately trying to change the subject Billy-boy continues: ?What about the common perception by Alliance members?.not me mind you <grinning nervously at Cleo>?.but there are those that consider all Romulans to be ?sneaky pointy eared bastards???

Cleopatra starting to chuckle: ?Well as a Romulan I am loath to admit this, but even I would find this difficult to deny in the face of Minister J?inn?s recent defection.?

Billy-boy smiling now as well: ?Well there you have it folks, another first on the (warp)Factor, a Win-Win in the No-Win. Stay glued to your seat because right after this shameless plug for by new book titled, ?I?m OK, and you?re a stupid leftist sack of SH*T, so STFU!?, we will be joining embedded war correspondent Hondo ?the hot tub hunk? Rivera where he will be broadcasting Live from the Battle Cruiser GCS Prima Ballerina in an undisclosed location deep inside the Romulan Neutral Zone.?

After shameless plug for book and (warp)Factor gear bearing the ?STFU!? logo we return.

Billy-boy: ?Aaaannnnd we are back on the (warp)Factor. Ms Cleo, I am going to assume from the fact that you insinerated our producer when he came up to show you the way back to the Green Room during the commercial break, that you would like to remain with us during our next segment.?

Cleopatra leveling phasor at Billy-boy: ?I wouldn?t miss it for all the Ale on Romulus.?

Billy-boy: ?We are joined now LIVE by the ?Don Juan of the hot tub?, Hondo Rivera, aboard the flagship of the Alliance armada, the GCS Prima Ballerina. Hondo, can you give us any information on your location or mission objectives.?

Hondo: ?Well not if I don?t want my Dance card punched by Captain Kroma <visible shudder>.?

Billy-boy looking perplexed: ?Dance card? Don?t you mean Press card??

Hondo, glancing around nervously: ?Don?t ask, don?t tell Billy. What I can share with you is that we have just detected a large fleet of Romulan warships approaching our current position at high warp and among them is none other than the RIS Riverboat Casino and the RIS Scaredy Kat believed to be captained by the recent Kzinti defectors Minister J?inn and Captain Chuut Ritt respectively. All in all we would appear to be out numbered by about 3 to 1.?

Billy-boy faking concern, but barely able to contain his glee at this rating bonanza: ?Wow?.3 to 1?.so tell us, how are the troops holding up? I mean considering the odds their moral must really be suffering. Any talk of turning tail and heading back to Alliance controlled territory in the south.?

Hondo: ?Not at all, it?s amazing what guts these guys have, they have been training hard for months and it shows in the confidence they have in their abilities. Besides, Captain Kroma is literally itching for a fight.?

Billy-boy: ?Ummmm?well I?m no military expert but isn?t there any concern that Captain Kroma may be over extending himself in his desire to engage the enemy??

Hondo: ?No, no, no you misunderstood me. I mean he is itching, as in scratching under his tutu, ever since being infected with the Romulan bioengineered virus. Thus it is the opinion of the top Alliance strategist that a line in the sand must be drawn here in order to contain the Romulans and prevent them from any further opportunity to unleash their illegally obtained WMDs on innocent Alliance planets.?

Suddenly the bridge of the GCS Prima Ballerina is seen to burst into action as it goes to Red Alert, and in the background Captain Kroma can be heard giving an order for all ships in the armada to turn off their forward view screens.

Billy-boy: ?Hondo, did we just hear correctly, that Captain Kroma gave an order to turn off the fleets forward view screens? I mean, My God, you?ll be flying blind right into the path of a superior force.?

Hondo: ?Not to worry my friend, it?s all part of a new set of Allied rules of engagement, that are specifically designed to cut down on the number of friendly fire incidents that we suffered during the last Romulan/Gorn border skirmish. I don?t want to bother you with the technical details, but the military planners have assured us it is for the best.?

Billy-boy looking doubtful: ?Well I guess we will just have to take their word for it, but I still can?t help but feel a bit concerned that these new rules might be hindering our forces. Is there any intelligence that suggest the Romulan might be operating under similar rules of engagement designed to reduce their own friendly fire incidents.?

Hondo: ?Well there was some speculation that this might be the case, however, our deep scans and probing of the Romulan fleet has just put that to rest with the realization that the River Boat Casino was allowed to leave spacedock with a full load of transporter bombs. Apparently, this is another fleet of Romulan conscripts for whose safety the Romulan dictator has little regard.?

Billy-boy: ?Well that?s pretty much what we have come to expect from the Romulans. What else can you tell us about your situation or current battle plans, that of course won?t get your Dance card punched??

Hondo: ?I can do one better than that, as I have just been cleared to begin beaming live tactical telemetry back to you in the studio. Apparently, the powers that be have weighed the risk and decided that it is more important to make sure that the truth gets out regardless of the risks to operational security in order to be sure that the lies that we are confident will be spread by that moisant tart sitting next to you and her cohorts over at the Al Tal'Shiazeera Subspace Disinformation Network.?

Ms Cleo looking incredulous: ?Billy-boy considering I am pointing this phasor at our groin, I am sure you won?t mind if I interject to refute this ridiculous claim. We at the Al Tal'Shiazeera Subspace Disinformation Network, were manufacturing the truth long before Mr Hondo was out of diapers. Why we have practically made the manipulation of the Romulan public towards outward, as opposed to inward, aggression into an art form.?

Billy-boy: ?Hondo, before we switch to the tactical view can you tell us if we are about to finally see the beginning of the Campaign of ?Shock and Awe? Starfleet Headquarters has been telling us about??

Hondo: ?Well Billy-boy, your guess is as good as mine, but we have been continually reminded that we will know it when we see it.?

The scene in the studio is replaced by a top down tactical view of the two enormous fleets converging on an asteroid field.

/rp off

Yes J?inn you know it?s coming ;-)

We would like to take this opportunity to remind any members of PETJ in our viewing audience to please avert their eyes, as well as anyone with a full stomach.

/rp on

Mere seconds before the blinded Alliance fleet stumbles into optimum weapons range of the lead Romulan warships, a Starbase sized gornographic image of Captain Kroma BaSyl is projected between the two warring fleets from the deflector dish of the Alliance flagship GCS Prima Ballerina. The 300+ story image of the Reptilian Diva then begins the most graceful pirouette this side of the Joffery Ballet, finishing in what appeared to be an impossibly low curtsy considering Kroma?s half ton frame, at which point he grabs the hem of his tutu standing straight up lifting his arms (and lord help us, with them his tutu) above his head. It was at that point confirmed by later analysis of the Romulan intership communications that all hell broke lose. Careful analysis of the tapes revealed the unmistakable sounds of ?Shock and Awe? that overcame those unfortunate enough to be looking at the forward view screens, namely and tragically for the Romulan conscripts the helm officers, intent on there jobs, were universally afflicted. The tapes also revealed, after considerable computer enhancement the sounds of retching and of bodies of hitting the deck and convulsing. Only two coherent words were ever deciphered from the tapes, and they were simply and ominously, ?My Eyes?, accompanied by what has been theorized to be the sounds of several thousand of Romulus? finest gouging their eyes out. However, all that was apparent to the billions of Alliance citizens watching the live feed of the battle was the aftermath. Immediately following what would henceforth be known as the Kroma Maneuver, over 85% of the entire Romulan fleet, whose helms had been directly linked to the River Boat Casino?s for the purpose of coordinating tactical maneuvering, lurch violently to port and subsequently slammed straight into an asteroid, in the single most destructive occurrence in recorded history of the famed J?inn Maneuver. The remainder of the Romulan fleet never even got this far as their warp cores exploded when panicked engineering crews attempting to cut power to the forward view screens accidentally shutdown the power to their anti-matter containment fields.

Cleopatra with a wry smile for Billy-boy: ??.and you have the nerve to accuse us of using Weapons that Mess with Digestion (WMD), now that has got to be ?the Most Ridiculous Item of the Day?.

Epilog and Historical footnote: While it was originally believed that no Romulan ships survived this battle, they could never quite account for all the mass that should have been present as in the debris field based on the original scans of the Romulan fleet. It was eventually chalked up to a sensor anomaly and the real truth wasn?t revealed until decades later when the Romulan Star Empire having emerged from the General War as a Republic declassified their sole account of the battle from the one ship that survived. A brief excerpt from that account follows:

First Officers log from the RIS Scaredy Kat: ?I can only thank the deities for having stayed my hand, when I so desperately wished to summarily execute the traitorous and cowardly Captain Chuut Ritt for abandoning our glorious yet doomed fleet in their time of greatest need. Luckily the state of shock I was left in, after Captain Ritt ordered an Emergence 180 degree HET and hasty retreat only moments before engaging the Alliance fleet, indirectly allowed our ship to escape with news of this new Alliance super weapon. Apparently it was a standard Kzin battle tactic to make for the border once their supply of drones was depleted, and having been informed by the weapons officer that a scatter pack could not be prepared due to the fact that Romulan ships are not equipped with drones Captain Ritt instinctively ordered the tactical retreat. In conclusion, I can only say that in my entire career as a Centurion in the Romulan Royal Navy the phrase ?war is hell? has never rung more true, and may the Gods protect us from this terrible new Gorn weapon.?

J'inn · « **Reply #8 on:** March 27, 2003, 10:41:01 pm »

That's it!! Kroma turn off CNN right now!! You've ODed on it!

Well, I guess I won't be sleeping tonight again. <shudder>

Karnak

Re: Romulans in possession WMDs in direct violation of UN mandate.

Kroma_BaSyl

Re: Romulans in possession of WMDs in direct violation of UN mandate.

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