Topic: Flashes - Introduction

[Scottish Andy]

More attempts to enliven the board. I have a whole bunch of short scenes and segments, newborn flashes of inspiration which I plan do develop into full-blown stories, but as yet have nothing else around them. I think these are pretty cool, but I also know they'll not see the light of day for years at the rate I go at.

So, here is a thread dedicated to these infants, which are from all my story arcs at various points all the way through their respective timelines. They feature main characters you know but possibly much later in their careers than you know them from, and supporting characters you'll not have met yet but are established as at least place-holders from my timeline which was a good 15 years in the building -- so far.

I am posting these for feedback for me and entertainment for you -- and in that order. I know that getting feedback from peeps on here is tougher than getting latinum out of a Ferengi so I may be setting myself up for grand disappointment, but what can I say. I'm  a glutton for punishment.

All I can do is plead for feedback, be it reviews, critiques, commentary, suggestions, the whole shebang. Please give generously.

That said, here we go.

P.S. Turn on your thread/topic and forum notifications, please. Don't let this die a slow and malnourished death.

"Scottish" Andy

[Scottish Andy]

Since this is completely out of the blue, some background is perhaps needed.

The year is ~2283 and Commander Andrew Brown has his second ship, a refit Saladin-class destroyer outfitted as the SFB F-DE escort destroyer. In this year (in Ships of the Star Fleet) the Klingons launch a 6-month offensive all along their border in an incursion which is known as the "Taal Tan Offensive". This was also previously mentioned in Kieran Forester's story 'Haven'.

Comments, critiques, reviews, opinions, and more are all sought after.

*****

“They’ve launched a scatter-pack shuttle!”

“At the liner?” Brown gasped in disbelief before coming to an instant decision. “X.O., full impulse! Get us between the drones and that liner and keep us there! Get on the blower and tell the Tiguan to drop her facing shield and have their whole crew prepare to beam over. Signal us when ready. Activate all defensive tractors. Reinforce dorsal shield to 200%, set Level Four ECM, and warn the crew we’ll likely take a hit on bare hull.”

“Aye, Captain,” Lieutenant Commander Shawn Lyons responded before relaying his orders to the bridge crew, leaving their captain free to consider his options.

Drake wrenched herself aside in a turn so abrupt her hull frames groaned in protest before streaking to the hapless liner’s defence. Those inside her clung to their stations as the inertial dampeners struggled to keep pace with the ship’s motion.

“They pulled our teeth and now they’re making sure we have to get over there,” the X.O. stated grimly.

“What, no words about abandoning our cargo?” Brown jibed in a hard voice.

“They’d be wasted on you. Sir.”

“You’re learning, Mr. Lyons,” Brown grimly praised his second. “Weaps: Time to impact?”

“Ten seconds.”

“Time to intercept?”

“Eight.”

“Weapons status?”

“Still recharging and reloading, Sir. Fifteen seconds.”

“Aft shield is down; beaming Tiguan crew aboard now, Captain,”

“Klingon ship is firing, range 100,000km!”

Dull booms echoed up to the bridge as the Klingon’s broadside hit them. Fortunately, their ships were built for frontal attacks and no heavy disruptor bolts came in.

“We have them all, Sir! Raising aft shield.”

“Minor damage to the warp nacelle, Captain! Top speed down by five percent.”

“Worth the trade.”

“Drone impact in two, one—”

An immense concussion wracked the ship along her 240-metre length as two fast drones impacted and megatons of thermonuclear fusion boiled over the reinforced dorsal shield. Four more were snagged and dragged along with the Drake as she soared past the threatened passenger liner.

“Not so bad after all, hmm?” Brown commented as the shuddering of the ship ceased. “Get back after those Klingons!”

“Too late, Captain. They’ve found what they’re looking for and beamed it out through the Tiguan’s down shield. They’ve gone to warp.”

“Well, this mission went to hell in a handbasket and no mistake.”

[Captain Sharp]

Very definitely SFB. Just a quick bit with some shooting, right out of a scenario.

I like vignettes.

This one establishes some crew comradery even in the midst of a battle, with no back  story included beforehand. Nice touch. Also like that dialogue told you as much as the narrative. I'm trying to develope that myself.

VERY much like the fact that it doesn't beat us over the head with unnecessary detail.

--guv
(them comments enuf fer ya?)

[Scottish Andy]

Yes Guv, these comments are exactly what I crave. What you liked, what you thought, what stuck out for you, etc. Many, many thanks.

Having just re-read it myself, I realised I may have over-scanted (not a real word) on detail, so here's one for you all: how many ships are in this furball-vignette?

And Guv, just because you've been such a good boy and pleased the teacher -- or,  in a more manly fashion, been a bro and been there for me -- I may post another of these flashes today.

[Captain Sharp]

How many ships? Having re-read, I'd say one Klingon plus the Drake, and an unspecified number of cargo ships (though only one is mentioned by name...so...three all together?). I could be wrong. A spread of six 'drones' generally means a larger ship with multiple racks, or more than one small ship, but its been years since I played SFC or SFB, so I barely remember. Hell, that might be what a single rack fires for all I remember.

As far as it goes, your didn't skimp much on detail. LEss description makes for a faster pace and less reader aggravation. The trick is to use the RIGHT description. You seemed to have his the nail on the head, here.

--guv

[Scottish Andy]

4 ships.

Starfleet escort destroyer U.S.S. Drake
Unnamed Klingon cruiser + scatterpack (you seemed to have missed the first line, Guv )
Cargo ship Tiguan, whose cargo the Klingon was after and whose crew was rescued by the Drake
...and the piece where I was pretty sure was not clear...
Unnamed passenger liner whom the Drake takes the drone hits for.

[Captain Sharp]

Scatterpack=stupid waste of a shuttle. Unless it was disguised and meant as a surprise attack. Which SFB rules do not lend themselves to. So...stupid waste of a shuttle.

Think I'd sonner launch them off the naked shuttlebay launch deck.

But yeah, only caught the named convoy ship. That's what I get for speaking first.

--guv

[Lieutenant_Q]

Interesting... too short to really comment on.  If you expand on it a bit more, I'd like to know what the Klinks were after.

As to the writing, even though there was little narrative commentary, I didn't feel lost at all.  Nicely done.

[Captain Sharp]

Indeed. Plenty of detail.

--guv

[Scottish Andy]

Thanks for the comments, guys.  Much appreciated! And Guv, it was not your problem for not picking it up; I wasn't trying tio catch anyone out. It is my problem for not being quite clear enough.

Other flashes to come on Friday.

[Scottish Andy]

Based on the scene from Aussie naval drama Sea Patrol Season 4 Episode 5 where the new Buffer, Dutchy, turns and advances in an intimidating if not outright threatening manner on the XO, and she reacts nervously to this. Dutchy is a large, broad, tall man and X is a slender, small, slight woman. She used the appearance of more crew to make her escape.

It irked me that she reacted nervously, as she is supposed to be a seasoned lieutenant in the RAN. He had no right acting in this way, but regardless of that she has all the regs in the world on her side. This following scene is my reaction to that “irkedness”.

*****

“If this is how you did things on the van Buuren, Petty Officer, then they’re going to stop right here and now, because they’re not acceptable on this ship!” she declared to his retreating back.

He stopped, then turned around slowly and deliberately made his way back up the corridor to her.

There was noting overtly threatening about the move, but it set off the hairs on the back of her neck. His massive frame – which easily outweighed her twice over – filled the corridor and his silence and the set of his face all combined to make him appear distinctly menacing.

She took in all of this in barely a second and was momentarily shocked into stillness herself as he continued to advance. Then her disbelief faded and reality crashed back in.

Her own face hardened and she strode right up to him herself to deny him any further strides of his own.

“You have anything you wish to say to me, P.O.?” she asked in a deceptively soft voice as she glared up at him into his ice-blue eyes.

“Nobody likes a smart-mouthed officer digging around in business that’s none o’ their concern,” he rumbled.

“You’d better be tezha’n kidding me, P.O.,” she ground out.

He said nothing, only flexed his huge hands as he glared down at her.

“Are you threatening me, P.O.?” she asked, again in a low, dangerous tone as she let him have the full force of her incensed glare. “Because if you are, you’d better be prepared to kill me.”

His smouldering glare took on an astonished timbre, as if he wasn’t sure he’d actually heard what she’d just said.

“I asked you a question, Petty Officer Second Class!” she screamed at him, the sound of how shrill her own voice was only making her more furious. “Are. You. Threatening. Me?!” she yelled again before continuing, “Because if you are, killing me is the only way I’m not going to have you hauled up on charges and booted out of the Fleet! Just who in the Hell do you think you are?! I’m not some whimpering schoolgirl who’s going to wet herself and blubber just because some Neanderthal knuckle-dragger with an attitude problem thinks he can intimidate me with intimations of physical violence!” she yelled up at him, her eyes blazing and teeth flashing.

Feet spread, fists on her hips, chest heaving as she regained the breath she’d expended, she waited a seeming eternity for any kind of answer from him.

After long seconds, he subsided into a sullen glower. “No, Lieutenant, I’m not threatening you.”

“You’re on report for insubordination,” she snapped out, voice smoking. “Report to your divisional officer for disciplinary measures. Dismissed!”

His glower simmered and threatened to boil over again, unable to quite believe what just happened here, but she snapped out, “NOW, P.O.!”, not budging or backing down one millimetre.

Without another word, he turned on his heel and stalked away.

[Commander La'ra]

I find this scene far more amusing if I see the guy as...really not threatening her.

Speaking as a big fella, sometimes people think ya' are, when you're not.

Personally, I feel she either should have bitched him out or put him on report...not both.  The bitching out was clearly sufficient from his reaction.

[Captain Sharp]

"You're on report! For being big! And...walking down the hall! Dismissed!"

[Grim Reaper]

I don't know about that, using size to intimidate someone is bad enough imho. Plus, if she just barks.... First time should be a bite too, de next time can be just a reminder of this time.

[Scottish Andy]

Larr: It's not meant to be amusing. In the scene in the show, he is threatening her. She bottles it (Br.Eng. variant on "to lose you bottle, your courage fails you") and looks like she's scared and kinda panicking as he walks towards her. Then more crew enter the companionway blissfully unaware of the "drama" and she leaves with them, effectively escaping from teh big scary man.

This is why the scene irritated me so much. She's a command track officer, a senior lieutenant with sevice on bigger ships and experience and seasoning under her belt. But this big guy takes exception to her prying and calling him on his reaction to her prying and she basically wets her panties.

As for a chewing out OR a disciplinary action, I disagree, as is evident, and agree with Grim. I see your point now, as he's retracted his threatening behaviour and so has knuckled under and accepted her authority. However, as Grim opines, I think threatening a superior officer should be something noted on your record too. Points to a pattern of behaviour if it happens again, or a deterent against doing it again as it'll form a pattern of behaviour that'll not make things go well for you.

Guv:    That's all I have to say to that. Well, that and thanks for commenting, please come again.

Grim: Thanks for yor patronage and support!

[Captain Sharp]

To better facilitate your point, I might have included something from the show's original scene: Add in that crewman entering the corridor, give your command officer the option of the easy way out, maybe even have her consider it, NOT accept the easy escape, THEN jump down whatshisname's throat. I'm all for chewing out someone to put em in their place. Especially bullies.

As for threatening an officer, IF I'd thought it was a legitimate threat, then her reaction wasn't severe enough. I'd have gone to the nearest comm and ordered security to take charge of Mister Big, and escort him to the brig. Or, I'd have beat his ass myself, or in my own fashion, reversed the threat and the intimidation (this last being my own, personal way of handling such IRL).

Anyway, the original take of the 'Flash' came off as semi-amusing to me. Other than the less than convincing threat implied, it mostly just seemed to me that she was assuming this big guy was threatening her...because he's big and threatening in appearance. Sometimes I misread intent.

--guv

[Scottish Andy]

So noted, Guv. This is the feedback I'm looking for; it'll improve the scene, and story said sceen appears in (if it ever gets written...)

[Captain Sharp]

I'm glad. Just reread my comments, and I kinda came off like an asshole. Sorry bout that.

--guv

[Commander La'ra]

Guv summed up my opinion better than I did, really.   The officer just never seems to be legitimately threatened to me, and the big guy, while out of line, catches hell because he's larger than her.

[Scottish Andy]

So noted. This was a flash based on the scene itself, so I guess I wrote from where I watched to and did not include thebit needed to make his threat seem real. That's disappointing; I had thought it was implicit in my writing but it would seem not.

lol... one of the few times I completely forgo massive exposition thinking it's not needed, and I spend so much time explaining it out!

Thanks for the feeback, guys.