Topic: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!

[Andromeda]

Oh, I love that one.  Brilliant cause for the war.  The version of the joke I know was Mike Hunt, but then the person on the receiving end of the call was female.

[kadh2000]

It almost makes you feel sorry for Sauron.

So, I give you this: http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/sauron.html

[Hstaphath_XC]

Thanks!

The next scene is a big one courtesy of Erik the Viking.  Saddly, only one more bonus scene is currently planned after that.

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 10a

The Loss of Lake-town (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Having been sent to his doom by the magic arrow of Bärd the Bowman, the mighty Smaug the Golden crashed fully onto the burning hapless Lake-town.

Sorëys the Boatman: (bursting into the Great Hall) The town is on fire and sinking into the lake!!!

Master of Town: Stay calm! This is NOT happening.
(the Master of Town turns and hurries up a staircase)
Sorëys the Boatman: Wha-- seriously?
(the doors of the Great Hall of Lake-town burst open once more as Sorëys tries in vain to shut them, a wall of water crashes through that knocks Sorëys off his feet and into a startled group of Vikings... there is little doubt that the whole of the blazing town is sinking)
Sorëys the Boatman: (sputtering and gasping) Bugger this!
(cut to a close-up of the Master of Town who is now standing on the roof of the Great Hall addressing a crowd of anxious citizens... they are keeping surprisingly good order considering that the whole town is rapidly sinking around them)
Master of Town: Now, I know what some of you must be thinking... the dragon has come.... we're all going  down, etc., etc... but let's get away from the fantasy and look at the FACTS.
(nearby, the massive storage house used by the richest of Lake-town's merchants suddenly crashes into the lake and disappears)
Master of Town: FACT ONE - The mere threat of total destruction has kept the peace since the founding of our town. FACT TWO - The chances of it failing now are therefore one in three hundred and sixty-five thousand.
(Smaug finally bellows his last anguished cry and falls silent as his lashing tail obliterates a nearby boat laden with barrels and crates of trade goods)
Master of Town: FACT THREE...
(the water is now up to the base of the roof and the gathered people crowd closer to the Master to avoid getting wet)
Master of Town: FACT THREE - Our safety regulations are the most rigorous in Middle-earth. Our construction standards are second only to the dwarves and we never cut corners or allow nonsense like labor unions, do we?
People of Lake-town: No!
(the Great Hall shifts and shakes hard for a moment as it continues to sink)
Gylës the Fishmonger: We-- errr... we do seem to be going down quite fast-- errr... not trying to contradict you, of course!
Master of Town: No, of course you're not, Gylës. But let's stick to the facts. There has NEVER been a safer, more solid town than ours. So, whatever's happening, you can rest assured that Lake-town is NOT sinking. Repeat, NOT sinking!
(we cut to an unfortunate elderly resident of Lake-town who looks out of a window to see if it's raining, but is immersed in water before he can find out as his house sinks out of sight)
[GLURG--MELP--GURGLE!]
(cutting back to the roof of the Great Hall, the remaining people of Lake-town, however, are reassured by the Master's words... even though they are now up to their waists in water)
Këyfø the Merchant: May I just make a point in support of what the Master of Town has just said?

Master of Town: We'd be delighted, wouldn't we?
People of Lake-town: Yes, we'd certainly like to hear what Këyfø has got to say--
(Bärd the Bowman tries to get past them carrying an unconscious Andrømëdå)
Bärd the Bowman: What are all of you doing?!
Lånør the Seamstress: (cheerfully) It's all right. It's not happening.
Bärd the Bowman: (shocked) But... the town is sinking!
Lånør the Seamstress: Yes, I thought it was at first as well, but the Master has just pointed out that it can't be.
Këyfø the Merchant: (still speaking in support of the Master of Town) ...and, of course, we mustn't forget the Master's excellent eye for flower arranging--
Bärd the Bowman: Save yourselves, you fools! Lake-town is sinking!!!
(the people of Lake-town just look at one another with amused expressions and chuckle)
Këyfø the Merchant: Look, you clearly have forgotten about our safety regulations.
Master of Town: It can't happen.
Bärd the Bowman: But it IS! Look!
Master of Town: (ignoring Bärd) The important thing is not to panic.
People of Lake-town: Quite... yes... we understand....
Master of Town: I've already appointed Këyfø as chairman of a committee to find out exactly what IS going on and, in the meantime, I suggest we have a sing-song!
People of Lake-town: Good idea!
Gylës the Fishmonger: Can we do the one that goes "TUM-TI-TUM-TI-TUM-TI-TUM"?
Bärd the Bowman: (leaving in despair) What madness this is!
(reaching the shore, Andrømëdå finally comes to as the sound of the "sing-song" in the nearly vanished remains of Lake-town reaches a particularly noisy and discordant climax)
Andrømëdå: Bärd, my love... what has happened?!
(back on what was the Great Hall, the crowd of unconcerned looking citizens are sitting on the highest part of the roof and struggle through another appalling song)
People of Lake-town: ...Te...Tum!
Master of Town: You know, I think we're getting better.
Lånør the Seamstress: Oh, how can you tell?
Master of Town: Well, errr...
Andrømëdå: (shouting from shore) Father!
Master of Town: (shouting back) It's all right, dear! It isn't happening!
Andrømëdå: But, father, it IS!
Bärd the Bowman: Swim to shore!
Gylës the Fishmonger: No thanks!
Lånør the Seamstress: Who do you think YOU are?
Këyfø the Merchant: Panic-monger!
(the roof is now sinking rapidly, though the people of Lake-town appear as unperturbed as ever)
Gylës the Fishmonger: Leave us alone!
Sorëys the Boatman: (walking up to Bärd on shore) Yeah, might as well leave 'em alone.
Andrømëdå: It's sinking! Just look around you! Lake-town has sunk!

Master of Town: Well, my dear... I think you'll find it's all a question of what you want to believe in. I have slightly more experience in this sort of thing than you and--
(unfortunately, at this point, the last bit of the Great Hall disappears below the surface of the water... taking the Master of Town and his people with him)
Andrømëdå: (tears spring to her eyes) Father, you idiot!
Bärd the Bowman: (sighing sadly) This was entirely to silly.

[Commander La'ra]

*facepalm*

 

[Andromeda]

I'm thought I was adopted.  Now I'm sure.

[Hstaphath_XC]

 

You know, now that Rommie mentions it... Andrømëdå looks nothing like the Master of Town, but she does bear an uncanny resemblance to Sorëys the Boatman.  Things that make ya' go "hmmmm...."   

[Hstaphath_XC]

Just one song parody away from wrapping this up...

My kids want me to do a Monty Python version of the Star Wars screenplays next.   

[Commander La'ra]

Just one song parody away from wrapping this up...

*waits in rapt anticipation*

My kids want me to do a Monty Python version of the Star Wars screenplays next.   

Which Jar-Jar can't be in, cuz, you know...

[Hstaphath_XC]

*waits in rapt anticipation*

I'm actively working on it now, so it won't be a long wait!

Then I will be creating the HTML and PDF versions to host at XenoCorp, of course.

Which Jar-Jar can't be in, cuz, you know...

Actually, my kids think I should make it a point to find a way to gruesomely kill Jar-Jar in every movie (including 4, 5, and 6!) so the fact that you and Kadh have already violently disposed of him isn't necessarily a deal-breaker.   

Since XC_Ward was in the habit of dying in just about every MP XC skit we did prior to this parody, we have an already established precedent for it even.  Heh.

[Commander La'ra]

Actually, my kids think I should make it a point to find a way to gruesomely kill Jar-Jar in every movie (including 4, 5, and 6!) so the fact that you and Kadh have already violently disposed of him isn't necessarily a deal-breaker.   

Wait...

...so we might get to kill him again?

[Hstaphath_XC]

...so we might get to kill him again?

And again... and again... and again... and again... and again.  Theoretically speaking.   

[Andromeda]

I LIKED Jar Jar.  Well, at least in Ep. 1.

[FA Frey XC]

  

 

[Hstaphath_XC]

Return of the King: Bardic Epilogue

Appendix H (Deleted Scene)

Narrator:  Within Elrond's favorite open air concert hall, Ferret gathers the best musicians in Rivendell together.  Their honored task is to memorialize in song the making of this epic parody saga.  Harps, mandolins, horns, and elven drums at the ready... Ferret beckons them to begin.

[music]
(to the tune of "American Pie" by Don McLean)
Ferretlxix_XC :  (singing)

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember,
When Hsta first made us smile.
And we signed him up at first chance,
To help cope with K'tuj's sabredance,
And, maybe, Hydrans would be on top for a while.

But Taldren's site made me shiver,
With every forum post it’d deliver.
Magic photons and PPDs,
So much imbalance and unease.

I remember laughing so hard I cried,
When I read a thread started by my bride,
And Hsta made a reply inside,
The day... he launched... this ride.

So my, my, this off-kilter guy,
Took Tolkien and Python,
Whipped 'em up like stir-fry.
And the XC Crew with our battlecow cry,
Mooing, "He better finish this or die.
He better finish this or die!"

Did you read this trilogy,
Featuring a Baggins and Gamgee,
And a silly ring of gold?
Do you believe four hobbits in all,
Can save us from a Dark Lord's call,
And can romance bloom in an elven hall?

Well, I know that Arwen's in love with him,
Aragorn's got manly arms and a stubbly chin.
Elrond was annoyed, it's true.
"Man, what does my daughter see in you?!"

He was a lonely ranger out of luck,
Trying to make it in a tale running amuck,
But I knew all this wouldn't suck,
The day... I got on... this ride.

We started postin’,
My, my, this off-kilter guy,
Took Tolkien and Python,
Whipped 'em up like stir-fry.
And the Fanfic crew with their sci-fi cry,
Writing, "He better finish this or die.
He better finish this or die!"

Now for six years we’ve been readin' along,
A zany skit, then a silly song,
But there's one I think is most funny.
When Saruman sang of a lumberjack,
Then the ents saw fit to attack,
With his voice so French and whiiinnnnneeey.

Oh, while the White Wiz was full of gall,
Wormtongue stole his magic ball.
He hurled it for a miss,
Theoden couldn't believe this!
So while ents encircled the flooded park,
Horses pranced 'cross the Riddermark,
And hobbits made prank calls in the dark,
The day... we stayed on... this ride.

We were singing,
My, my, this off-kilter guy,
Took Tolkien and Python,
Whipped 'em up like stir-fry.
Even Weird Al would agree and sigh,
Humming, "He better finish this or die.
He better finish this or die!"

Frodo and Sam set a slogging pace,
And of course got lost in a rocky maze,
With no time left to start again.
So, come on, follow Smeagol and be quick!
Or be snuffed out in the marsh like a candlestick,
Then Gollum will be Smeagol’s only friend.

Oh, and as rangers take the stage,
A rabbit leaps with teeth of rage.
No son of Gondor fair and strong,
Could stay that bunny for long.
As the body count climbed from its bite,
Gollum's approach gave them all a fright,
And he caught a coney for the stew that night.
The day... we kept on... this ride.

They were singing,
My, my, this off-kilter guy,
Took Tolkien and Python,
Whipped 'em up like stir-fry.
And the Tolkienites with their purist cry,
Stating, "He better finish this or die.
He better finish this or die!"

We met the crazy steward Denethor,
While so many died on the Pelennor,
Finally beckoned, the Rohirrim came to play.
As the oliphaunts churned up the gore,
And all appeared as lost as before,
Until Aragorn lead the undead to save the day.

And at Mount Doom the fires crashed,
Gollum fell in and the big eye thrashed.
All the orcs were croakin',
The power of the Ring was broken.
And the hobbits I admire best,
Gandalf found with no time to rest,
They rode a northern eagle heading west,
The day... that Sauron... died.

And I've been singing,
My, my, this off-kilter guy,
Took Tolkien and Python,
Whipped 'em up all stir-fried.
For our XC Bard who did his best and tried,
I sing, "At last, he finished this before he died.
Indeed, he finished it all before he died."

I've been singing...
My, my, this off-kilter guy,
Took Tolkien and Python,
Whipped 'em up like stir-fry.
Yeah, our XC Bard as the years have gone by,
Just wrote, "FINALLY... finished this before I die."

(scattering of applause)

Hstaphath: Ummm-- actually, Ferret... Frey just signed me up to do The Hobbit next.
Ferretlxix_XC : What?!
Hstaphath: Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I'm not done after all just yet.
Ferretlxix_XC : This completely buggers up this being the closing song then, eh?
Hstaphath: I'm afraid so.
Ferretlxix_XC : You are SO screwed.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Fin.  Again.   

[Andromeda]

Standing Ovation!

[kadh2000]

Bloody hell.  Hell?  That was bloody brilliant!  So it was!  Very Bloody Brilliant, excepting that no one died.  Yeah that would have made it better.  You missed the part about the body count, the killer rabbit, gollum's stew, the orcs that were croaking, and the very line about Sauron dying.  What?  I didn't?  I didn't? Well, maybe just a little.  In conclusion: Thank you, Master Bard.

I missed the conclusion of the conclusion of the appendices to the conclusion.  *whacks self with pain stick*

Now to get my place in line for The Hobbit.