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Topic: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!  (Read 45161 times)

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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #60 on: December 20, 2009, 11:08:14 am »
The Hobbit: Scene 12

Kill the Hobbit! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: After a frantic yet thorough search through the vast treasures of Erebor, the haunting quiet of the dwarven halls is suddenly shattered by the angry cries of many voices.

Gloin: A thief! A thief! A thief! A thief! We've found a thief! A thief! A thief! A thief! A thief! We've got a thief! A thief! A thief! Beat him! Beat him! Beat him! We've found a thief! We've found a thief! A thief! A thief! A thief!
Nori: We have found the thief of the Arkenstone. May we beat him senseless?
Thorin: How do you know he is the thief?
Balin: He was the only one that would have done it.
Nori: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Thorin: Bring the burglar forward.
Bilbo: I'm not a thief. Well... not in this instance at any rate!
Thorin: The Arkenstone of Thrain is the most valuable heirloom of my house and I want it back.
Bilbo: I didn't take it-- they just assumed I did and jumped to conclusions.
Gloin and Bifur: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Frey: No, no. I told you this wasn't going to work.
Hstaphath: (groaning) Cut.  You... you've just got to give it a chance.
Frey: The "Burn the Witch" scene has had nothing but chances... it just didn't fit.
Hstaphath: This can't be... what if--
Frey: No.
Hstaphath: Or maybe--
Frey: No, you tried that already as well.
Hstaphath: How do you think you know what I was going to say?!
Frey: Oh, I know.  And you know that I know that you know that I know.
Hstaphath: Stop that.
Frey: Though, you know, the more I think about it... we really should have went with "Burn the Witch" for scene 13 of The Two Towers.
Hstaphath: We-- what?!
Frey: Yeah... sorry about that.
Hstaphath: But--
Frey: I was clearly wrong about it in hindesight.
Hstaphath: Oop--
Frey: Sometimes you just have to know when to stand up for yourself, Hsta.
Hstaphath: Ack--
Frey: Honestly, I will never understand why you let me talk you out of it.  So sad.
Hstaphath: Pfttt!
Frey: Ummm... Hsta?  What are you--
Hstaphath: I... am about to go insane... and I am TAKING YOU WITH ME!
Frey: (gesturing wildly at the cast and crew) Run away!!!
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #61 on: December 20, 2009, 11:08:48 am »
The Hobbit: Epilogue

Burn the Producer! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Meanwhile, on the Dynaverse's SFC fan fiction forum...

FanFic Writers: The producer! The producer! The producer! The producer! We've found the producer! The producer! The producer! The producer! The producer! We've got the producer! The producer! The producer! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! We've found the producer! We've found the producer! The producer! The producer! The producer!
Hstaphath: Bring him forward.
Frey: Well, this is a fine "how do you do!"
FanFic Writers: Burn him! Burn! Burn him! Yeah, burn him!
Kieran Forester: We found Frey, the producer. May we burn him?
Hstaphath: Yes, absolutely.
(pause)
FanFic Writers: Huzzah!  We burn him! Burn! Burn him!
Frey: It's a fair cop.
[FWOOSH]
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #62 on: December 20, 2009, 11:19:14 am »
Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 15a

The "Not Noel Coward" Song (Deleted Scene)

Gollum: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Gollum-gollum! Here's us a little number we tossed off recently in the Misty Mountains, we did, yesss...
[piano music]
Gollum: (singing) Isn't it awfully nice to have a precious?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a ring?
It's my favorite birthday present,
It's all mine to have and adore.
Not some tiny toe adornement,
But greater than the works of Celembribor.
So, three cheers for Nenya, the ring of waters,
Hooray for Narya with stone of red.
The sapphire Vilya, the treasure of Barahir,
Your bling-bling, or your ice.
You can hide it from the big eye,
You can caress it oh so nice...
But don't drop it in a tunnel,
Or a nasssty hobbit will take your prize,
And he won't... brings it... back!
[piano music stops]
Gollum: Thief! Baggins!!! Gollum-- we hates him forever!
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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #63 on: January 01, 2010, 03:02:18 pm »
Yea!!  We burnt Frey!! 
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #64 on: January 03, 2010, 01:11:56 am »
Quote from: Andromeda on January 01, 2010, 03:02:18 pm
Yea!!  We burnt Frey!!

Well, he certainly had it coming... now, if only we could figure out why there is a penguin on the telly...   ::)
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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #65 on: January 03, 2010, 11:45:46 pm »
I'm not sure about why it's there, but if it lays an egg it will fall down the back of the television set.  Unless it's a male.

Okay, I'm pretty sure it's there for some sort of sight gag.
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #66 on: January 08, 2010, 04:59:08 pm »
Quote from: Andromeda on January 03, 2010, 11:45:46 pm
I'm not sure about why it's there, but if it lays an egg it will fall down the back of the television set.  Unless it's a male.

Yes, looks fairly butch.

Quote from: Andromeda on January 03, 2010, 11:45:46 pm
Okay, I'm pretty sure it's there for some sort of sight gag.

Or perhaps it's from the Screaming Dizbuster.  We should check to see if it has "property of Kadh" stamped on it.
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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #67 on: January 11, 2010, 04:44:51 pm »
On the off chance that it might explode....

You go check.
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #68 on: January 17, 2010, 09:27:30 pm »
Quote from: Andromeda on January 11, 2010, 04:44:51 pm
On the off chance that it might explode.... You go check.

Heart of a lioness, you have!

Anyway, as everyone knows, it wouldn't just have "property of Kadh" stamped on it... if it really was his, it would already be sabre dancing.

Speaking of which, Kadh appears to have disappeared again.  Ruddy Klinks!   ::)
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Offline kadh2000

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #69 on: January 18, 2010, 01:37:35 am »
I'm not gone, just cloaked.
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #70 on: February 04, 2010, 09:59:58 am »
I'm trying to work through a bit of writer's block... I've got Saruman and Wormtongue trying to escape from Isengard under siege in the next scene.
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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #71 on: March 13, 2010, 02:39:00 am »
Is there nudity?
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #72 on: March 16, 2010, 01:40:59 pm »
Quote from: Commander La'ra on March 13, 2010, 02:39:00 am
Is there nudity?

So far, no... but I'm not ruling out cross-dressing with those two.   ::)
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Offline FA Frey XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #73 on: March 17, 2010, 02:31:32 am »
I wondered why I smelt of elderberries!

I'm dead!

Regards,
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #74 on: March 19, 2010, 10:01:58 am »
Quote from: FA Frey XC on March 17, 2010, 02:31:32 am
I'm dead!

Now, now... I'm sure it was only a flesh-wound.   ::)
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #75 on: June 25, 2010, 09:22:21 am »
It's been a busy summer with all sorts of personal upheavals, yet I still intend to get back to finishing this.  Things seem to be calming down a bit and my daughter Annie keeps reminding me about it.

On the other hand, we obviously have yet to get that bit of writing that Kadh promised us either so apparently it's not just me.   ::)
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #76 on: January 23, 2011, 02:20:09 am »
The Two Towers: Scene 8a

Inside Isengard (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: The former white wizard Saruman and his only remaining servant, Grima Wormtongue, creep out to a protected balcony to survey the dire situation in their besieged "island" of Isengard.

Grima: Right. Well, master... we might as well make a start on plan B.  Last one to the Shire is a rotten egg and all that, eh?
Saruman: Heh.  Give me your-a helmet, Grima!
(Grima hands his helmet to Saruman who throws it a few feet up into the air above the protection of the battlements)
[zip]
[pang]
[thunk]
[boing]
[pting]
[thud]
(Saruman catches the helmet, which now has several dents from ent thrown rocks as well as 3 arrows in it, and gives it back to Grima)
Grima: I see... so, some sort of clever hat-camouflage might be in order first, then?
Saruman: Hardly, you ignorant goat washing swine-a!  What I need-a is my Palantir so I can-a call upon monsieur Sauron for reinforcements... or at least a diversionary-type attack-a so zat we may escape.
Grima: And then we could have our revenge with plan B?
Saruman: Yes-a, indeed... provided my elite spy group led by Marik has-a infiltrated ze lair of zose annoying hobbits and have-a not drawn attention to zemselves.
Grima: Yes, master, that would prove disastrous to your back-up plan.
(cut to a cell block in the Hobbiton shirriff's office)
Marik: Oh bugger.
Cobryn: You said it, chief.
(cut back to Saruman and Grima)
Saruman: All of which I could find out-a with my Palantir!
Grima: Sorry... so sorry, master, but you keep using this word Planeteer?
Saruman: Palantir! A seeing stone-a of long lost Eldamar!
Grima: A stone?
Saruman: Ze stone-a zat was by my throne-a!
Grima: Oh no-- the stone by the throne?
Saruman: My plans were-a blown when it was-a thrown.
Grima: If I'd only known--
Saruman: Ze stone-a by ze throne-a gave me a view zat was true.
Grima: Well, we are surrounded by water now... can you, you know... do what the elves do?
Saruman: What-- an elven style-a viewing pool of cool water?!
Grima: Yes!
Saruman: No, no... ze pool zat is cool only gives visions zat can fool.
Grima: A fell elven spell?
Saruman: Zat let's ze elves see zemselves where Galadriel does-a dwell.
Grima: But the stone like a phone--
Saruman: Ze stone-a by ze throne-a!
Grima: Yes, that one--
Saruman: Gave me a view zat was-a true!
Grima: Yes, so--
Saruman: You really put ze poo in ze stew when it flew-a through ze blue-a!
Grima: Master, what can I do?
Saruman: You can-a go down zere and get me my-a stone back.
Grima: The elven stone?
Saruman: Elven?!  No, no-- ze stone-a zat was by ze throne-a!
Grima: What if we just got some of the water for a viewing pool?
Saruman: I told you already enough, ze pools give visions zat can fool!
Grima: So, only the throne will help?
Saruman: Not ze throne-a, ze stone-a zat was by ze throne-a!
Grima: I... I don't follow.
Saruman: It's-a really quite simple.
Grima: If it's so simple, perhaps you should go get it?
Saruman: Don't sass me, Grima, or I will toss-a you like you tossed my stone-a.
Grima: Ahhh... that stone again.  So, really... no water?  There is plenty of water now, you know--
Saruman: You simpering git of an orc mother's bottom!  Ze ruddy pools can fool while my stone-a by ze throne-a will give a view zat is true.
Grima: So... the pool that is cool gives visions that can fool while the stone by the throne gives a view that is true.
Saruman: Now you've-a got it.
Grima: Wonderful!
Saruman: Now SHUT UP and let-a me think, you oliphaunt-snogging tossser!
(long pause)
Grima: Per-- ummm... permission to speak, master?
Saruman: Granted, with a well earned-a sense of exhaustion an' dread, I'm thinking.
Grima: I have a cunning plan to infiltrate the enemy camp and get back your seeing stone!
Saruman: Ah, yes... and what-a would zat plan be exactly?
Grima: Badgers.  We build a large wooden badg--
[SMACK!]
[punch]
[kick]
[punch]
[scuffle]
(Grima manages to knock Saruman away from him and right over the balcony of the tower)
Saruman: AAAaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeEEEeee!
[THUD!!!]
Saruman: (dying)  Ulk--
Gandalf: (shaking his head sadly) ...and so ends the madness and tyranny of Saruman.  And that bloody damn ridiculous accent.
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Offline kadh2000

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #77 on: January 31, 2011, 11:40:08 am »
Ah, but what about the foresight of one's fathers?
That only gives one visions of one's missions!

Und I don't have ze father.

Excellent.  I love Danny Kaye, sometimes.  Other times I hate him. 
 
Er, very funny.
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #78 on: February 01, 2011, 11:38:51 am »
Quote from: kadh2000 on January 31, 2011, 11:40:08 am
Excellent.  I love Danny Kaye, sometimes.  Other times I hate him. 
Er, very funny.

Hehe... thanks!  I have very fond memories of watching The Court Jester with my mom at a very young age.
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Offline Hstaphath_XC

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Re: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!
« Reply #79 on: February 28, 2011, 10:17:29 am »
Return of the King: Scene 2

Calling Sauron Re-Redux (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Barad-dur... the dread black fortress of Sauron. Atop this tower of black sorcery, the flaming eye of the Dark Lord looks out upon the west. Unexpectedly, he hears a call on his Palantir.



Sauron: Saruman? Denethor?!
Muffled Voice: Uh, hello? Is Mike there?
Sauron: Who-- Mike?
Muffled Voice: Yes, Mr. Rotch.  Is he there?
Sauron: (annoyed) Hold on, I'll check.
(Sauron's voice sounds far and wide throughout the land of Mordor)
Sauron: Hey, has anyone seen Mike Rotch?!
Orcs: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...
Sauron: Come on now, seriously! Try to find Mike Rotch for me already!
Muffled Voice: Hehe... maybe you just don't have one to find!
Sauron: Oh-- for the love of Melkor, I can't take any more of this!!!
Merry: Wha-- don't tell us you've had enough now, eh?
Pippin: Yeah, we're just getting warmed up!
Sauron: No more! I've only been able to reform one bloody nerve and, so help me... by those holier-than-though Valar, you two have been stomping on it like a couple of drunken step dancing cave trolls!
Pippin: Hey now, I had a bet with Merry here for a pint o' the good stuff at the Green Dragon that he wouldn't be able to get you to fall for "Ollie Tabooger" during our next call.
Merry: Hehe...
(meanwhile, in Gandalf's tent elsewhere in the camp of the Røhirrim)
Gandalf: (looking over an old map) The board is set... the pieces are moving... now, if only that fiend Sauron doesn't strike before we are ready... just a little while longer...
(cut back to Pippin and Merry)
Pippin: So, just how long should we be waiting for you to get a Mike Rotch to find over there?
Sauron: ENOUGH! (Sauron's voice blares throughout Mordor once more) Nazgul, orcs, paparazzi, goblins, wargs, tax attorneys, wolves, trolls, spammers, allied men-- ATTACK!!!
(Mount Doom erupts in savage flame and a ghastly massive beacon light flares forth from Minas Morgul)
Gandalf: (running over to throw open the tent door and looking east) Doh!


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