Topic: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!

[Hstaphath_XC]

2. This highly tempts me to do the Monte Python version of the Chronicles of Uglúk.

How about "The Very Secret Diary of Uglúk" ala Cassandra Claire?
http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/index.html

[Andromeda]

There are more of those than the last time I looked.  Was thinking more prose.

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Two Towers: Scene 7

Infiltrating the Shire (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: In a dimly lit room in a bridge-house somewhere within the Shire, four desperate looking sallow-faced and squint-eyed men are gathered around a bare table while a fifth keeps watch at a window.

Marik: All clear?
Garn: All clear, Marik.
Marik: (unrolling a huge map of the Shire across the table) Right... this is the plan then. At 10:45, Cobryn will collect me and Thordir in the wagon and take us around to the Southfarthing Pipeweed Market on Old Tobold Street. We will arrive outside the Southfarthing Pipeweed Market at 10:50 a of the m. I shall then get out of the wagon while, you Cobryn, bring it back here to Pincup Pike, right? At 10:51, I shall enter the Southfarthing Pipeweed Market, where you... Potros, disguised as a customer, will meet me and hand me a small coin purse containing 26 silver pennies and 3 coppers. At 10:52, I shall approach the counter and purchase a crate of pipeweed costing 26 silver pennies and 3 coppers. I shall then give the crate of pipeweed to you, Potros. You'll go straight to Frogmorton along the Great Road. You lads continue back up here at 10:56 and we'll rendezvous in the back room of the Green Dragon in time for lunch at 11:45. All right, any questions?
Rufus: We don't seem to be doing anything illegal.
Marik: What do you mean?
Rufus: Well, we're paying for the pipeweed.
Marik: Yes...
Rufus: Well... why are we paying for the pipeweed?
Marik: The hobbits wouldn't just give it to us if we didn't pay for it, would they... eh?
Rufus: Look-- I don't think I like this outfit.
Marik: Why not?
Rufus: Well, we never break the bloody law.
Marik: What do you mean?
Rufus: Like that tavern job last week.
Marik: What was wrong with that?
Rufus: Well... having to go in there in disguise and buy myself an ale with my own coins, that's what was wrong with it!
Marik: Listen-- what are you trying to say?
Rufus: Couldn't we just steal the pipeweed?
Marik: Oh, you dumb git! We've spent weeks organizing this job. Sharkey is counting on us not to fail! Cobryn rented a smial across the road and has watched the hobbits going in and out every day. Potros spent three weeks sampling every different kind of pipeweed until he knew the going price of each variety and why... and now I'm not going to risk the whole raid just for the sake of breaking the law.
Rufus: Errr... couldn't we threaten them to lower the price?
Marik: No!
Rufus: Couldn't we act a bit rude even--
Marik: No!
Cobryn: (suddenly going pale) Ummm... Marik?!
Marik: What's the matter with you?
Cobryn: I just remembered... I rented the wagon by the hour... and-- and it's...
Marik: Overdue?
Cobryn: Yes.
Marik: How much?
Cobryn: (quaking) I dunno, maybe two... maybe five minutes.
Marik: Five minutes overdue. You fool! You FOOL!!! All right... we've no time to lose. Thordir, shave all your hair off, get your horse and meet me at the Prancng Pony in Bree on Tuesday night. Potros, head through green hill country and cut through the woody end, loosing any pursuit, and meet us there. Cobryn and Garn, go west toward the blue mountains and then head down to Isengard... arriving by the midwinter holiday. Rufus, you stay here as front man. Give us fifteen minutes and then burn down the building. All right, make it fast!
Rufus: I can't burn down the building.
Marik: Why not?
Rufus: Arson is against the law.
Marik: Oh bloody hell-- Well, we'd better give ourselves up to the Hobbiton shirriffs then.
Cobryn: We can't.
Marik: Why not?
Cobryn: We haven't done anything illegal!

(cut to the Southfarthing Pipeweed Market as two bandits rush out with crates of longbottom leaf)

Thordir: I think having the job be illegal makes it more exciting.
Rufus: Yes, I agree. I mean... if you're going to be a goody-goody you might as well be the white wizard or something.

(cut to Saruman who quickly wheels around to reveal he has been talking to the dark Lord Sauron on his Palantir)

Saruman: Allo-- What?

(cut to the hall of records in Minas Tirith)

Accountant: I suppose that if there were fewer criminals there wouldn't be so many of them, numerically speaking.

(cut to Rivendell)

Arwen: I think sexual ecstasy is over-rated.

(cut to the director of the film)

Hstaphath: After a few more of these remarks, we will kick off the Battle of the Hornburg so stay tuned.

(cut to the Dead Dragon Pub in the rebuilt city of Dale)

La'ra: (unable to get comfortable on his bar stool) I'm telling you, the itching is driving me bonkers!
Kadh: Well, try putting some more lotion on it.

(cut to a hobbit shirriff)

Robin Smallburrow: It's the feather in my hat that puts them in their place... that and my bad breath.

(cut to the Crimson Røhirrim Equestrians)

Eomer: (matter of factly) We do like dressing up, yes...

(cut to a large group of elves making their way to Helm's Deep)

Haldir: Oh, sod all this! You know, I never wanted to go to war in the first place. I just wanted to be... a lumberja--

(cut to Frey Petermeier)

Frey: CUT!!!

[Hstaphath_XC]

Return of the King: Scene 11

Lunch at the Restaurante Morannoni (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Arriving at the Black Café, Gandalf was relieved to hear that Aragorn had thought ahead and used the palantir to call for reservations.

Maitre D: Ah, good afternoon, monsieurs, and welcome to ze Restaurante Morannoni. How are we today?
Aragorn: Fine, thank you. We have a lunch reservation for "Strider and Warparty."
Maitre D: Right zis way, monsieurs! I will fetch Gaston for you... tuit suite.
Imrahil: It's nice here, isn't it?
Gandalf: This is actually a very good restaurant... three stars, you know.
Eomer: Really?
Gimli: Mmm...
Waiter Good afternoon, sirs, and may I say what a pleasure it is to have you dine with us.
Legolas: I've heard that the boeuf en croute here is fantastic!
(the leadership of the Army of the West take their seats at an elegant table)
Waiter Oh, if I may suggest... the pheasant à la reine. The sauce is one of our chef's most famous creations.
Imrahil: Emmm... that sounds good.
Aragorn: Yes, it does... oh-- errr... by the way, I've got a bit of a dirty fork. Could you, ummm... could you get me another one?
Waiter I beg your pardon.
Aragorn: Oh, it's nothing... I've got a fork that is a little bit dirty. Could you please get me another one? Thank you.
Waiter Oh... sir, I do apologize!
Aragorn: Oh, no need to apologize. It doesn't really bother me.
Waiter Oh-- no, no, no, I do apologize. I will fetch the maitre D immediately.
Aragorn: Oh, there's no need to do that!
Waiter Oh, no, no... I'm sure the Maitre D will want to apologize to you himself. I will fetch him at once.
Eomer: Well, you certainly get good service here.
Gandalf: They really look after you, yes.
Maitre D: Excuse me monsieurs. (examines the fork) It is filthy, Gaston... find out who washed zis up and give them their-a cards immediatement.
Aragorn: Oh-- no, no!
Maitre D: Better still... we can not afford-a to take any chances so sack ze entire washing-up staff!
Aragorn: No, look... I don't want to make any trouble.
Maitre D: Oh, no, please... no trouble. It is quite right zat you should-a bring zese kind of things to our attention. Gaston, tell ze manager what has happened-a immediatement!
(the waiter runs off)
Aragorn: Oh-- no, I don't want to cause any fuss.
Maitre D: Please, monsieur, it is no fuss! I quite simply wish-a to ensure zat nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of ze meal.
Aragorn: Oh, I'm sure it won't... it was only a dirty fork.
Maitre D: I know and I am sorry... bitterly sorry, but I know zat no apologies I can make-a can alter ze fact that in our restaurant-a you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery.
Aragorn: It wasn't smelly.
Maitre D: It was smelly... and obscene and disgusting and I hate it. I hate it... nasty, grubby, dirty, mingy, scrubby little fork-a. Oh... oh... oh...
(the maitre D runs off in a passion as the manager comes to the table)
Manager: Good evening, sirs, I am the manager. I've only just heard... may I sit down?
Aragorn: Yes, of course.
Manager: I want to apologize, humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the fork.
Aragorn: Please, it's only a tiny bit... I could hardly see it.
Manager: Ah... you're good, kind, fine people for saying that, but I can see it and to me it's like a mountain... a vast bowl of pus.
Aragorn: It's not as bad as that.
Manager: I can't give you any excuses for it... there are no excuses. I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant recently, but I haven't been too well... things aren't going very well back there. The Maitre D's son has been drafted into Sauron's army, poor dear Dalmarfa who does the washing up can hardly move her mangled old fingers, and then there's Mungo's war wound... but they're good people, they're kind people, and together we were beginning to get over this dark patch. There was light at the end of the tunnel... and now this... now this.
Aragorn: Can I get you some water?
Manager: (in tears) The Black Café will never recover from this... it's the end of Restaurante Morannoni!
(the cook runs up to the table waving a meat cleaver)
Mungo: (shouting) You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards! Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is in this miserable wretched land and now you come in with your petty feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt! This fine honorable man whose boots you are not worthy to kiss. Oh-- it makes me mad... mad!
(the cook slams his cleaver into the table as the maitre D comes back in and tries to restrain him)
Maitre D: Easy, Mungo! Easy there-a Mungo...
Mungo: (clutching his head in agony) The war wound! The wound... the wound...
Manager: This is the end! The end--
(the manager stabs himself in the heart with the fork)
Manager: (dying) Aaargh!!!
Mungo: (going completely mad) They've destroyed him... he's dead! They killed him!!!
Maitre D: (trying to restrain the deranged cook) No Mungo-- never kill a paying customer!
Mungo: (in horrendous pain) Oh, the wound! The wound!
(the cook and maitre D continue fighting furiously as they fall over the table)
Gimli: We're just lucky I didn't say anything about the dirty knife!

[Andromeda]

Or the fly in my soup. 

[Hstaphath_XC]

Or the fly in my soup.

Indeed!   

I'm trying to dig up Kadh's email address so I can let him know that I finally got around to posting his scene with La'ra.  His new website doesn't list it, though I am glad to see that Unity 2009 got a redo.  I guess I could try stalking him on his message board again.  Heh.

Next up is the conclusion of all my attempts to work in the "Burn the Witch" scene into my parodies.

[Andromeda]

I'm trying to dig up Kadh's email address so I can let him know that I finally got around to posting his scene with La'ra.  His new website doesn't list it, though I am glad to see that Unity 2009 got a redo.  I guess I could try stalking him on his message board again.  Heh.

Put a kadh2000 on either side of the symbol and you've got it.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Thanks Rømmë!   

[kadh2000]

Slight flaw in the plan!  Outrageous!

I knew La'ra didn't know the way to the Lonely Mountain... I was just humoring him.

Yea!!  We got to kill Jar Jar... although I liked him in the first movie.  Weird, no?

Yeah, we could watch a few minutes.

Hmm, Kadh seems to be a bit, um, long in the tongue of sageness and silly talking.  Do I really do that?  [sound of slop bucket hitting author of story].  Ah, so I do, but that was fun.

Asking for directions?  We are men, manly men.  Even if we do wear tights.  Tight tights.

Love the crime scene. Love it.

Thanks for getting me back here.  I'd forgotten (sad isn't it) all about dynaverse.  I really shouldn't have to say how funny I thought all of this was, but I will.  This was outrageously funny!

[sound of much writing]

[Hstaphath_XC]

Thanks Kadh!!!   And it's very good to have you back!

I never did find out what La'ra though of it after reading it again later on, though... perhaps he is still half-stoned on "cold medicine."  It's possible, I guess.   

I have nearly completed the next scene, which is actually several scenes all strung together into (hopefully) the epic conclusion of the Burn the Witch scene writing fiasco.

[Andromeda]

Hmm, Kadh seems to be a bit, um, long in the tongue of sageness and silly talking.  Do I really do that?  [sound of slop bucket hitting author of story].  Ah, so I do, but that was fun.

The word you are looking for is pompous.   

[Commander La'ra]

I never did find out what La'ra though of it after reading it again later on, though... perhaps he is still half-stoned on "cold medicine."  It's possible, I guess.   

*bleary eyed* Whu?

[Hstaphath_XC]

*bleary eyed* Whu?

Exactly.   

[Commander La'ra]

The anime thing seems even more naughty when sober!

And murdering Jar-Jar...like Kadh, I didn't mind him, but it was still hilarious.  Especially that whole 'spleen' thing.

Thinking of making the line about leather-clad elf maidens my sig...

[Hstaphath_XC]

Thinking of making the line about leather-clad elf maidens my sig...

Haha-- rightly so!   

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 2

Cook the Burrahobbit! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Bilbo has been captured by the owners of a campfire that the dwarves sent him off to investigate.  Three trolls (whom we shall call William, Tom, and Bert since their names in the crude trollish tongue sound even more ridiculous) are quite alarmed by the sudden appearance of their "guest."

Bert and Tom: A thief! A thief! A thief! A thief! We've found us a thief! A thief! A thief! A thief! A thief! We've got us a thief! A thief! A thief! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! We've found us a thief! A thief!
Tom: We found us a thief. May we eat him?
William: How do you know he's a thief?
Bert: He was reaching into your pocket.
Tom: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
William: Bring the little bugger forward.
Bilbo: I'm not a thief. I'm just lost.
William: Uh, but you were acting like one.
Bilbo: They just assumed I was and jumped to conclusions.
Bert and Tom: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Frey: Oh, just stop this bit right now.
Hstaphath: Cut!
Frey: This isn't working and your other ideas for this scene are really very good.
Hstaphath: But--
Frey: But nothing, we've been over this countless times.
Hstaphath: I know, I really do... great, just great.  Alright, people, back to version 26b for scene 2... places!

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 3

Cook the Dwarves! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Making their way through a pass in the Misty Mountains, the companions find shelter in a cave for the night as a fierce storm rages.  In short order, they are captured by goblins and Gandalf goes missing.  "Goblin" is just another name for "orc," by the way, with the only apparent difference being that those called "goblins" are generally not as intelligent as those called "orcs."  Given the mental capacity of the common orc, that's really saying something!  Even so, goblins are considered to have better singing voices than orcs... which really isn't saying much.

Goblins: (singing) The black crack, the back crack!
[snap]
Goblins: (singing) Down, down to Goblin-town!
[crash]
Goblins: (singing) You go, my lad! Ho, ho-- my lad!
[clap]
Goblins: (singing) Goblins beat and Goblins bleat!
[baaa]
Goblins: (singing) Round, round far underground!
[smash]
Goblins: (singing) Below, my lad! Ho, ho-- my lad!
[bonk]
(the thirteen dwarves and one hobbit are dragged into a massive torch-lit cavern)
Goblins: Dwarves! Dwarves! Dwarves! Dwarves! We found Dwarves! Dwarves! Dwarves! Dwarves! Dwarves! We got Dwarves here! Dwarves! Dwarves! Eat 'em! Eat 'em! Eat 'em! We found Dwarves! We found Dwarves! Dwarves! We got Dwarves here! Dwarves!
Goblin Sergeant: We found some dwarves. Can we eat 'em?
Goblins: Eat 'em! Eat 'em! Eat 'em! Eat 'em!
Head Goblin: How do you know they are dwarves?
Goblin Guard: They look like 'em.
Goblins: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Head Goblin: Bring one forward.
Thorin: I'm not a dwarf! We are... ummm-- actually, we are all hobbits.
Head Goblin: Uh, but you are dressed as one.
Thorin: They dressed us up like this.
Goblins: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Thorin: And this isn't my beard. It's a false one.
Head Goblin: Well?
Goblin Sergeant: Well, we did do the beard.
Head Goblin: The beard?
Goblin Sergeant: And the axe, but he is a dwarf!
Goblin Guard: Yeah!
Goblins: We eat 'em! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
Head Goblin: Did you dress them up like this?
Goblin Sergeant: No!
Goblin Scout: No. No.
Goblin Guard: No.
Goblin Sergeant: No.
Goblin Scout: No.
Goblin Sergeant: Yes.
Goblin Guard: Yes.
Goblin Sergeant: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
Goblin Scout: A bit.
Goblin Guard: A bit.
Goblin Scout: A bit.
Goblin Sergeant: He-- ummm... he has got a snobby attitude--
Frey: No, no, no-- NO!
Hstaphath: (sighing) Cut.
Frey: What in the name of all that XenoCorp finds holy and sacred are you doing?!
Hstaphath: I... well, I...
Frey: This scene was finalized weeks ago involving a naughty phrase book, most certainly not the bloody "Burn the Witch" skit!
Hstaphath: I just thought that, errr... maybe--
Frey: No.
Hstaphath: I could--
Frey: Seriously, no.  No you weren't, no you didn't, and no you aren't!
Hstaphath: Great. Terrific. That's just... just great.
Frey: I'm sure you will figure something out by the end, but this is not it.
Hstaphath: I'm trying to... okay, lunch now. Lunch!

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 6

Imprison the Trespassers! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Within the great cave palace of King Thranduil, preparations are well underway for the much anticipated harvest celebration of the wood elves.  Quiet and invisible, Bilbo finds his way to the elven king's great hall.

Wood Elves: Trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! We've captured trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! We've got trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! Imprison them! Imprison them! Imprison them! We've captured trespassers! We've captured trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers!
Legolas: Father, we have captured a group of trespassers. May we imprison them?
Wood Elves: Imprison them! Imprison! Imprison them!
Thranduil: How do you know they awe twespassews?
Czar: Because they certainly are not elves, my king, yet they were in our woods.
Wood Elves: Right! Indeed! Yes!
Thranduil: Bwing theiw leadew fowwawd.
Thorin: We weren't trespassing and, therefore, I'm not a trespasser.
Thranduil: Uh, but you appawently stwayed fwom the fowest path.
Thorin: They tricked us.
Wood Elves: Oh-- we didn't! We didn't...
Thorin: And our companion Bombur was bespelled into an enchanted sleep.
Thranduil: Well?
Legolas: Well, we did put a protection spell on the stream.
Thranduil: The stweam?
Legolas: And the fat one fell in, of course, but they are trespassers!
Czar: Indeed!
Wood Elves: We imprison them! Right! Yes! Right!
Thranduil: Did you luwe them fwom the path?
Legolas: Of course not, no!
Biggesti: No. No.
Czar: No.
Legolas: No.
Biggesti: No.
Legolas: Well, yes.
Czar: Yes.
Legolas: Yes. Maybe a bit.
Biggesti: A bit.
Czar: A bit.
Biggesti: A bit.
Legolas: Still, they definitely looked to be up to no good.
Thranduil: What makes you think they intentionally twespassed?
Biggesti: Well, they interrupted our harvetht featht.
Thranduil: A feast?
Biggesti: It got better, actually, we thought they were part of the entertainment at firtht.
Czar: It had been rather boring up until then.
Wood Elves: True, true.
Legolas: Even so, our laws are clear... we imprison them!
Czar: Imprison them anyway!
Wood Elves: Imprison them! Imprison! Imprison them!
Thranduil: Silence! Be quiet now-- Silence I say! Thewe awe ways of telling whethew they awe twespessews.
Biggesti: Are there theriouthly?
Czar: Yes?
Legolas: What are they, father?
Wood Elves: Tell us! Tell us!
Thranduil: Tell me, my good people, what do you do with twespassews?
Legolas: We imprison them!
Czar: Imprisonment!
Wood Elves: Imprison them! Throw them in prison!
Thranduil: And what do you impwison apawt fwom twespassews?
Biggesti: More trethpaththerth!
Czar: Shh!
Legolas: Goblins!
Thranduil: So... why do we impwison twespassews?
[pause]
Biggesti: Be-- becauthe they're all goblinth?
Thranduil: Good!
Wood Elves: Oh, yeah. Oh.
Thranduil: So, how do we tell whethew they awe goblins?
Legolas: Smell them?
Thranduil: Ah, but does not all non-elven waces smell wevolting to us?
Legolas: Oh, true.
Biggesti: Yeth, very true.
Thranduil: Do goblins sink in watew?
Legolas: No, no.
Czar: No, they float! They float!
Legolas: Throw them into the river!
Wood Elves: The river! Throw them into the river!
Thranduil: What also floats in watew?
Legolas: Athelas!
Czar: Apples!
Biggesti: Uh-- very thmall rockth!
Legolas: Gnomes!
Czar: Uh, wine barrels!
Legolas: Leaves!
Czar: Cows!
Biggesti: Uh, boatth! Boatth!
Frey: Stop! Stop this scene right now before I smack every last one of you with a rubber chicken!
Hstaphath: Oh bugger-- CUT!
Frey: I can hardly believe you would try again to rewrite a perfectly good scene like this in an attempt to somehow wedge this ruddy skit in.
Hstaphath: But it was really flowing this time!
Frey: Be that as it may, the Biggesti Dickesti scene is better.
Hstaphath: Yes, but maybe we could--
Frey: Let me try saying it like this...
[SMACK]

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 8

Sacrifice the Dwarf! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Flowing east from the kingdom of the wood elves, the forest river rushes in great sweeps until it empties into the vast inland sea known as the Long Lake.  The barrels that make it intact from the palace of King Thranduil all the way to the lake are eventually gathered up at the strange town built right out on the surface of the water.  Curiously, some of the barrels seem to move against the swirl of the current as they gather.
Bilbo: (invisible) Confound these heavy barrels-- Ooof!
Narrator: Once called Esgaroth, before the coming of the dragon, this busy wooden city on the water is now simply called Lake-town by those who attempt to live and trade there.  At the moment, oblivious to the barrels, the citizens of Lake-town gather up fish from the morning catch to start a deadly ritual.

People of Lake-town: (suddenly bursting into song as they begin viciously slapping each other with fish)
Lake-town, Lake-town, Lake-town...
The first to fall won’t be me!
(discordant music begins playing that combines with the various animal noises of everyday commerce)
Master of Town: (singing) Lake-town doesn’t want to burn,
So Lake-town has a grim task again today.
It is time that a boy or girl will be chosen for the worm,
In the traditional valley of Dale way!
People of Lake-town: (singing) Schlip! Schlap!
Master of Town: (singing) Schlip-a-schlap-a-vay.
People of Lake-town: (singing) Schlip! Schlap!
Master of Town: (singing) Schlap away all day.
People of Lake-town: (singing) Schlip! Schlap!
Master of Town: (singing) You simply must be strong,
To survive the fish-schlapping song!
People of Lake-town: (singing) Lake-town, Lake-town, Lake-town...
Men of Lake-town: (singing) Where I hope Smaug eats someone other than me.
Bärd the Bowman: (singing) Like he did my Aunt Jënny--
Andrømëdå: (singing) Or dear Grånny--
Sorëys the Boatman: Or my brother Sørnëy!
People of Lake-town: (singing) Lake-town, Lake-town, Lake-town...
Why won't that dragon let us be!

(one of the recently arrived barrels suddenly breaks open)

Thorin: (standing on very shaky legs) I am Thorin son of Thrain son of Thror... King under the Mountain! (swaying) I return!
[THUD]
Bilbo: Oh bother.
People of Lake-town: A dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! We've found a dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! We've got a dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! Sacrifice him! Sacrifice him! Sacrifice him! We've found a dwarf! We've found a dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf!
Bärd the Bowman: We have found a dwarf and he was the first to fall. May we feed him to the dragon?
People of Lake-town: Sacrifice him! A sacrifice! Sacrifice him! Sacrifice him!
Master of Town: How do you know he is a dwarf?
Sorëys the Boatman: He looks like one.
People of Lake-town: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Master of Town: Bring him forward.
Thorin: I'm not a dwarf. I'm not a dwarf.
Master of Town: Uh, but you are dressed as one.
Thorin: They dressed me up like this after pulling me out of that barrel.
People of Lake-town: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Thorin: And this isn't my beard. It's a false one.
Master of Town: Well?
Bärd the Bowman: Well, we did do the beard.
Master of Town: The beard?
Frey: (running onto the set) You have got to be kidding me!
Hstaphath: Cut!
Frey: Did you really think you could get away with it?!
Hstaphath: Ummm... get away with what?
Frey: Don't play innocent, you had to be the one behind three scantily clad elven females showing up at my trailer because they heard that I could supposedly land one of them a "large part."
Hstaphath: Oh-- they did?
Frey: Yes.
Hstaphath: How odd... and yet I can't believe you didn't... ummm... they didn't distract you.
Frey: Well, they certainly had my wife's attention who just happened to be visiting the set with our daughters today!
Hstaphath: Your-- hold on a moment... (yelling) Annie!
Annie: (running over) Yeah?
Hstaphath: For a reason completely different and utterly unrelated to what Frey and I are talking about right now, you're fired.
Annie: Nuts.
Hstaphath: Now get back to work.
Annie: (sighing) Fine.
Frey: What was that about, then?!
Hstaphath: Oh, nothing.  Nothing at all.  So... back to the "cram" version of this scene, script rewrite 43-- no, 47... places!
Frey: We are SO not done talking about thi--
Hstaphath: And... action!

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Narrative Interlude

Ban the Lurker! (Behind the Scene Footage)

Narrator: Meanwhile, all was quiet on the Dynaverse's SFC fan fiction forum until...

FanFic Writers: A lurker! A lurker! A lurker! A lurker! We've found a lurker! A lurker! A lurker! A lurker! A lurker! We've got a lurker! A lurker! A lurker! Ban him! Ban him! Ban him! We've found a lurker! We've found a lurker! A lurker! A lurker! A lurker!
Scottish Andy: We have found a lurker. May we ban him?
FanFic Writers: Ban him! A ban! Ban him! Ban him!
Sirgod: How do you know he is a lurker?
James Smith: He acts like one.
FanFic Writers: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Sirgod: Bring him forward.

Moofighters: I'm not a lurker. I'm not a lurker.
Sirgod: Uh, but you have acted as one.
Moofighters: They deleted my replies to their posts.
FanFic Writers: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Moofighters: And this isn't even my real username. It's a pseudonym.
Sirgod: Well?
Scottish Andy: Well, we did do the username.
Sirgod: The username?
Scottish Andy: And delete his posts, but he is a lurker!
James Smith: Yeah!
Moofighters: Moo!
FanFic Writers: We ban him! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
Frey: While I personally find this particular attempt amusing, it isn't going to fit either.
Hstaphath: Cut!  (sighing) I'm... I'm getting rather desperate.
Frey: Obviously.
Hstaphath: I'm trying to be creative here, the parody is virtually over!
Frey: You may just have to face the reality that it didn't work out for this scene.
Hstaphath: No, no!  Not yet-- I think I have one more shot at it.
Frey: Where can you possibly--
Hstaphath: It'll be great, just great! Brilliant even.
Frey: I don't know...
Hstaphath: (yelling) That's a wrap for today, people!  Drinks at Ferret's Bar & Grill for everyone are on Frey today!
Frey: Wait-- what?!
FanFic Writers: Huzzah!  All hail Frey!!!
(the Dynaverse FanFic writing crew quickly picks up and carries Frey off the set)
Frey: But I... bugger.