Topic: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!

[kadh2000]

And no singing!

That was really good.  Really good.

[Hstaphath_XC]

And no singing!

Hehe... more singing is on the way though, of course.  The next musical number is courtesy of Sauron!

That was really good.  Really good.

THANKS Kadh!  For whatever reason, that scene took me an incredibly long time to write and rewrite (and rewrite... and rewrite...).

In fact, just to show that I can indeed be bribed by a kind word of praise, I will go ahead and post the next scene.   

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Two Towers: Scene 13

Faramir's Hideout (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Having captured Frodo and Sam, Faramir and the Rangers of Ithilien have taken the hobbits to their most secret of secret refuges... the waterfall of Henneth Annun.

Ithilien Monks: (chanting) Pie Denethuri domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Ithilien Monks: Pie Denethuri domine...
[bonk]
Ithilien Monks: ...dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Ithilien Monks: Pie Denethuri domine...
[bonk]
Ithilien Monks: ...dona eis requiem.
Rangers: A spy! A spy!
[bonk]
Rangers: A spy! A spy!
Ithilien Monks: (chanting) Pie Denethuri domine...
Rangers: A spy! A spy! A spy! A spy! We've found a spy! A spy! A spy! A spy! A spy! We've got a spy! A spy! A spy! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! We've found a spy! We've found a spy! A spy! A spy! A spy!
Mablung: We have found a spy... surely a servant of Mordor. May we burn him?
Rangers: Burn him! Burn! Burn him! Burn him!
Faramir: How do you know he is a spy?
Cuwerd: He looks like one.
Rangers: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Faramir: Bring him forward.
Frodo: I'm not a spy. I'm not a servant of Mordor!
Faramir: Ummm... you are dressed as one.
Frodo: They dressed me up like this.
Rangers: Augh-- we didn't! We didn't...
Frodo: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
Faramir: Well?
Mablung: Well, we did do the nose.
Faramir: The nose?
Mablung: And the orc helmet... but he is a spy!
Cuwerd: Yeah!
Rangers: We burn him! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
Faramir: Did you dress him up like this?
Mablung: No!
Damrod: No. No.
Cuwerd: No.
Mablung: No.
Damrod: No.
Mablung: Yes.
Cuwerd: Yes.
Mablung: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
Damrod: A bit.
Cuwerd: A bit.
Damrod: A bit.
Mablung: He is very filthy.
[cough]
Faramir: What makes you think he is a spy?
Damrod: Well, he stabbed me in the head with a Morgul blade!
Faramir: A Morgul blade?
Damrod: I got better.
Cuwerd: Burn him anyway!
Mablung: Burn!
Rangers: Burn him! Burn! Burn him!...
Faramir: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether he is a spy.
Mablung: Are there?
Cuwerd: Ah?
Mablung: What are they?
Rangers: Tell us! Tell us!...
Faramir: Tell me. What do you do with spies?
Cuwerd: Burn!
Mablung: Burn!
Rangers: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
Faramir: And what do you burn apart from spies?
Mablung: More spies!
Damrod: Shh!
Cuwerd: Wood!
Faramir: So, why do spies burn?
(long pause)
Damrod: Be-- 'cause they're made of... wood?
Faramir: Good! Heh heh.
Rangers: Oh, yeah. Oh.
Faramir: So, how do we tell whether he is made of wood?
Mablung: Build a bridge out of him.
Faramir: Ahhh... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
Mablung: Oh, yeah.
Damrod: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh... plus we don't want to help the orcs get across the river anyway.
Cuwerd: Right.
Faramir: Does wood sink in water?
Mablung: No. No.
Cuwerd: No, it floats! It floats!
Mablung: Throw him over the waterfall!
Rangers: The waterfall! Throw him over the waterfall!
Faramir: What also floats in water?
Mablung: Cram!
Cuwerd: Apples!
Damrod: Uh, very small rocks!
Mablung: Grease!
Cuwerd: Uh, stew-- stewards!
Mablung: Wizards!
Cuwerd: Orcs!
Damrod: Uh, rabbits! Rabbits!
Cuwerd: Armor! Armor!
Sam: A duck!
Rangers: Oooh.
Faramir: Exactly. So, logically...
Mablung: If... he... weighs... the same as a duck... he's made of wood.
Faramir: And therefore?
Cuwerd: A spy!
Mablung: A spy!
Rangers: A spy! A spy!...
Damrod: Here is a duck. Use this duck.
[quack quack quack]
Faramir: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.
Rangers: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the spy! Burn the spy! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Ahh! Ahh...
Faramir: Right. Remove the supports!
[whop]
[clunk]
[creak creak creak]
Rangers: A spy! A spy! A spy!
Frodo: Stupid ring... it's a fair cop.
Damrod: Burn him!
Rangers: Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn! Burn!...
Faramir: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
Sam: I am Samwise Gamgee of the Shire.
Faramir: The what?
Frey: Cut!
Hstaphath: Not again, this is great!
Frey: Sorry, Hsta... this is just to much of a stretch again.
Hstaphath: Compared to some of the other scenes we've done?!
Frey: Point taken, but I know how badly you need for the "Burn the Witch" scene to be perfect and I just don't think we are there yet.
Hstaphath: We've got to keep this scene. It's fantastic! Fantastic! Besides, our only back-up idea for this is the "great speeches of Winston Churchill" bit that no one will find funny! We've just got to keep it. So, have a drink... have a drink and we can tweak it. I'll rewrite this and sort it out. No problem. Really, no problem!
Frey: (sighing) Lose the scene.
Hstaphath: Terrific. We're losing the scene. Rewrite. Just terrific.
Frey: No worries, my friend... we still have Return of the King and maybe even the Hobbit to do so you still have plenty of chances to use the "Burn the Witch" scene.
Hstaphath: Yes. Great. Terrific. That's just... just great. (falls over)
[THUD]

[Andromeda]

Oddly, that wouldn't have worked.  Hmm, I suppose you can have Gorbag and Shagrat argue about what to do with Frodo when they do find him... since he is a spy.  Or Denethor and someone arguing over whether Pippin is a spy in his court.  Then you can have Faramir burst in with the duck line (extreme irony for this scene, eh?). 

As always, a delight.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Oddly, that wouldn't have worked.

 

Hmm, I suppose you can have Gorbag and Shagrat argue about what to do with Frodo when they do find him... since he is a spy.

Ummm... Rommie... that's pretty much exactly what I did to show how I failed to use the scene in Return of the King (and it is already posted above).   

Or Denethor and someone arguing over whether Pippin is a spy in his court.  Then you can have Faramir burst in with the duck line (extreme irony for this scene, eh?).

Indeed, I can picture that perfectly!

As always, a delight.

Thank you very sincerely, dear lady!  It is, as always, an honor to delight.

I will go ahead and post the next scene.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Return of the King: Scene 9a

It's Christmas in Mordor (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: As Sauron's army broke through the Rammas and surged across the Pelennor Fields towards Minas Tirith, all hope for Gondor seemed lost.  Sauron watched from his dark tower of Barad-dur as victory over his hated enemy at last came within reach.

Orcs: (grumbling and fighting)
[music]
Orcs: Shhh.  Shhhh!  Shhh...
Sauron: (his voice booming out to be heard throughout Mordor) Good evening, minions and slaves!  It's truly a very surreal experience to be here this evening as a big flaming disembodied eye.  A very wonderful... and warm... and emotional moment for all of us, I'm sure... and I'd now like to sing a song for all... of you!
[applause]
Sauron: (singing)
It's Christmas in Mordor,
We are the new elite.
It's Christmas in Mordor,
Hark, hear those battle drums beat!
It's Christmas in Mordor,
Volcanic clouds fill the sky.
My massive army is on the move,
And everyone in Gondor will die!
It's Christmas in Mordor,
There's no hope for my enemy.
We'll smash their walls, kick their balls,
And kill them as they flee!
Haradrim: (singing)
There's spoils for all the allies,
There's second-hand armor and blades!
Nazgul: (singing)
There's lands to rule with a hand that's cruel,
And leather clad elven barmaids!
Orcs: [singing]
It's Christmas!  It's Christmas in Mordor!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
From now on every day,
Is Christmas day!
It's Christmas!  It's Christmas in Mordor!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
Every single new day,
Is Chri--
(the music comes to a sudden stop as the battle horns of Rohan can be clearly heard in the distance)
Sauron: Uh-oh...
Frey: Cut!
Hstaphath: Wha-- what's wrong?
Frey: Christmas?  In Middle-earth?!
Hstaphath: Oh, yes... it's fantastic!  Tolkien mentions Christmas trees in the Hobbit so let's just sort of roll with it, eh?  Really, it's brilliant!  Think of the holiday season merchandizing tie-ins alone.  Brilliant!
Frey: Hsta, I must tell you something... and please understand that I am telling you this as a true and honest friend.
Hstaphath: Yes?
[SMACK]
[THUD]
[SLAM]
[CRASH]

[Andromeda]

Wow!  I completely missed the scenes 9 from RotK and the Hobbit.  Good thing you pointed that out.  I found them both really funny.  It's IMO even funnier becuase I missed the scene.  Do I get a deleted scene, and not just for not popping out of my top with every jiggle?

Did you have a tune for the Christmas in Mordor song?  Christmas in Kilarney kept popping into my head.  Now I have to read the blasted Hobbit again to see if there were any Christmas trees in it.  Maybe my youngest niece would be willing to have me read it to her...  A good excuse to visit home.   

[Hstaphath_XC]

Wow!  I completely missed the scenes 9 from RotK and the Hobbit.  Good thing you pointed that out.  I found them both really funny.  It's IMO even funnier becuase I missed the scene.

All of the "Burn the Witch" scenes will tie in together for the conclusion on how I failed to use it in the Hobbit.  I intentionally went in the order Rotk, TTT, FotR, Hobbit for this unfortunate series of events.   

Do I get a deleted scene, and not just for not popping out of my top with every jiggle?

I don't have one currently planned, do you have something in mind?

The next bonus scene, for those keeping track, is #8... which means it is finally time to hear the behind the scenes tale of how Kadh and La'ra ended up at the battle of 5 armies.   

Did you have a tune for the Christmas in Mordor song?  Christmas in Kilarney kept popping into my head.

It's to the tune of "Christmas in Heaven" from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life.

Now I have to read the blasted Hobbit again to see if there were any Christmas trees in it.  Maybe my youngest niece would be willing to have me read it to her...  A good excuse to visit home.   

It is near the very end of the book when it mentions Gandalf and Bilbo staying with Beorn over Yule-tide on their way back to the Shire.

[Commander La'ra]

The next bonus scene, for those keeping track, is #8... which means it is finally time to hear the behind the scenes tale of how Kadh and La'ra ended up at the battle of 5 armies.   

 

[Andromeda]

No, honestly I didn't have one in mind.  Perhaps something where Bard goes off on a silly bit with some other guy and they end up going to his castle and Rommie gets to lament.  Or not.  Exploding Penguins are always good for a laugh.  So, no I didn't have anything in mind.

[Hstaphath_XC]

I know this was a horrible spot in the parody for it to go on hiatus, but I fully intend to get back to work on it soon!

[Commander La'ra]

.......................

*sharpens axe*

[Hstaphath_XC]

As is sometimes the way of things, it has been so long since I started to write Scene 8 that I have just about completely changed the concept I was going with.  As good as my original idea was, this is better.  MUCH better... and even more in character for La'ra and Kadh.   

The writing is freely flowing once more and I should have this scene up before Halloween-- (nervously looks over at La'ra who has been continually sharpening his axe all this time) errr... by next week!   

Edit:  I think I will have this ready to post tomorrow (10/07/09)!   

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 7a

Getting There is Half the Fun (Deleted Scene)

Kieran Forester:  Having rescued his blood brother Kadh Qohelethson from the dungeons of the wood elves, La'ra leads Kadh east toward where their two armies have gathered unseen near Lake-town.

Kadh:  So, what's the situation?
La'ra:  Lord Elrond has wagered 10,000 silver pennies that we won't be able to pull the wizard Gandalf's butt out of the fire again.
Kadh:  Very well, we accept. A man may fight for many things... his lands, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a child--
La'ra:  Personally I'd mud wrestle my own mother for a bag of coin, a full belly, and a night of carousing with leather-clad elven maidens!
Kadh:  Haha-- rightly so!  Where are we off to then?
La'ra:  Someplace called the lonely mountain.
Kadh:  The lonely mount-- Erebor?! You mean the moment has finally arrived for us to give that notorious worm Smaug a good warrior-style thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?!?!!
La'ra:  If you mean, "are we going to get killed?" then... yes.
Kadh:  It still sounds better than your idea of raiding Khand.
La'ra:  Ahh-- That's for the best since, as I must confess, I don't know the way to Khand anyway.
Kadh:  Well, I'm glad to finally be doing something even though I can't believe we have to walk all the way there!
La'ra:  I'm open to suggestions.
Kadh:  You could have bought us some horses.
La'ra:  Buy horses? With only nine coppers?! At this time of year and in the rain? A bare fortnight after a dreaded horse plague has struck the west-mark? With the blacksmith's strike in its fifteenth week and the Rohirrim horse fetishists fair tomorrow?!
Kadh:  (sighing) Alright, then... walk it is. Off to Erebor?
La'ra:  Off to Erebor!
[many days later]
Kadh:  So, you don't know the way to the lonely mountain either?
La'ra:  No... I must confess that as well.

(cut to another thick green forest)

Kadh:  You see, La'ra... after the fall of Sauron and in order to prevent further war in Middle-earth, two superpower alliances developed. With the elves, northern and western men such as us, and occasionally the dwarves on one side and the orcs, goblins, wargs, wolves, southern and eastern men, and the occasional troll or dragon on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies... each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war without catastrophic loss to both sides.
La'ra:  But we have sort of been in a continual state of a war anyway, haven't we?
Kadh:  Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
La'ra:  What was that?
Kadh:  It was all a pile of plaQta'.
La'ra:  (looking around) Are we in Fangorn?
Kadh:  No... but this certainly isn't Mirkwood either.
(suddenly a strange creature jumps out at them from behind a tree)
Jar Jar Binks:  Oh, ay-yee-mooie-mooie, mesa culled Jar Jar Binks!
Kadh and La'ra:  Aaarrrrggghhhhhh!!!
Jar Jar Binks:  Ex-queeze-me, but wha yousa doen?
[SLAM]
[HACK-CHOP-HACK]
Jar Jar Binks:  Mesa spleen!!!
[CLUNK]
[HACK-CHOP-HACK-HACK]
[SMASH]
Jar Jar Binks:  (dying) --ULK!
[THUD]
Kadh:  That is the most vile, disturbing, misshapen lizard/rabbit I've ever laid eyes on!
La'ra:  Vile looking or not, I bet it tastes like chicken.

(cut to an anime spaceship tumbling out of control)

Angela Oteri:  Lady Acasja, we are doomed!  Lord Acton has used the power of Aion to seize the starship!
Acasja Tilfe:  Princess Oteri, fire the Sword Infinite weapon-- it is our only hope!
Angela Oteri:  At last, the combined power of the Starship Seal Members have defeated my evil brother Iblis!
Kadh:  ...what kind of twisted manga-QI'yaH is this?!
La'ra:  We need to back away from this quickly!
Acasja Tilfe:  Yes, my princess-- and my love! Haha! We should take off all our clothes now!
Angela Oteri:  Oh-- where did these naughty tentacles come from?!
La'ra:  Or-- ummm...
Kadh:  Perhaps... perhaps we could stay a few minutes...

(cut to Thranduil's dungeons in the kingdom of the wood elves)

Kadh:  I can't believe I'm back in this jail cell.
La'ra:  Look, I--
Kadh:  I don't even want to hear it.
La'ra:  But I really am sorry!
Kadh:  Just what is it with you and Serailian Linnod'aduial anyway?!
La'ra:  I can't exactly put it into words...
Kadh:  She bangs like a privy door when the plague's in town?
La'ra:  Yes. That's it.
Kadh:  I haven't been this frustrated since my good friend Tormas, who I had promoted to high executioner of the clan, was killed.
La'ra:  Murdered, eh?
Kadh:  No-- oddly enough, no. They usually are, of course... but he just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept.
La'ra:  Ahhh...
Kadh:  Anyway, I believe I have a plan for getting us out of here again.  In a nearby chamber, there are several empty barrels near a lightly guarded water gate.
La'ra:  Empty barrels, you say?
Kadh:  Indeed I did. The midgets that escaped just before you sprung me out of here the last time seemed to have gotten away okay by that route.
La'ra:  Sounds good to me!
Kadh:  It isn't like you have much choice in the matter.
La'ra:  Do you-- ummm... do you suppose Serailian is still around?
(long pause)
Kadh:  You know... they say that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong... as you are about to find out when I hit you with this slop bucket.
[CRASH]
[THUD!]

[Commander La'ra]

....

....

*begins to speak*

You know...that's seems...ridiculously funny...especially the whole 'murdering Jar-Jar' part...and the manga...and...well, and I sort of wonder how it's going to read when I'm not half-stoned on cold medicine.

[Hstaphath_XC]

You know...that's seems...ridiculously funny...especially the whole 'murdering Jar-Jar' part...and the manga...and...well, and I sort of wonder how it's going to read when I'm not half-stoned on cold medicine.

Yeesh-- I am recovering from a nasty stomach flu myself so hang in there!

I just hope this scene was worth the absurdly long wait while I was attempting to get my life straightened out.

Regarding the manga part... I have a feeling I have a LOT to answer to Rommie for when she finds out what I did with her characters.   

Everyone will, of course, note that at no time was the possibility of stopping and asking for directions even mentioned.

[Andromeda]

If I wasn't too busy laughing and cleaning all the coke that came out of my nose off the keyboard,  I would come for your spleen.

[Hstaphath_XC]

If I wasn't too busy laughing and cleaning all the coke that came out of my nose off the keyboard,  I would come for your spleen.

Hehe... I might be willing to trade a spleen (notice I'm not exactly offering MY spleen) for the updated pic you promised us. 

[Hstaphath_XC]

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 6

Sell the Baggins! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: The village of Bree, chief village of the Bree-land. It is a day much like any other here in this quiet peaceful country except for--

Dunedain Monks: (chanting) Pie Aragornu domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Dunedain Monks: Pie Aragornu domine...
[bonk]
Dunedain Monks: ...dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Dunedain Monks: Pie Aragornu domine...
[bonk]
Dunedain Monks: ...dona eis requiem.
Breefolk: A Baggins! A Baggins!
[bonk]
Breefolk: A Baggins! A Baggins!
Dunedain Monks: (chanting) Pie Aragornu domine...
Breefolk: A Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! We've found a Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! We've got a Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! Sell him! Sell him! Sell him! We've found a Baggins! We've found a Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins!
Harry: We have found a Baggins. May we sell him to Sharkey?
Breefolk: Sell him! Sell! Sell him! Sell him!
Bill Ferny: How do you know he is a Baggins?
Thomas: He looks like one.
Breefolk: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Bill Ferny: Bring him forward.
Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins. I'm not a Baggins!
Bill Ferny: Ummm... you are dressed as one.
Ferdibrand: They dressed me up like this.
Breefolk: Augh-- we didn't! We didn't...
Ferdibrand: And this isn't my nametag. It's a forged one.
Bill Ferny: Well?
Harry: Well, we did do the nametag.
Bill Ferny: The nametag?
Harry: And the pocket handkerchiefs... but he is a Baggins!
Thomas: Yeah!
Breefolk: We sell him! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
Bill Ferny: Did you dress him up like this?
Harry: No!
Jarvin: No. No.
Thomas: No.
Harry: No.
Jarvin: No.
Harry: Yes.
Thomas: Yes.
Harry: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
Jarvin: A bit.
Thomas: A bit.
Jarvin: A bit.
Harry: He is from Hobbiton.
[cough]
Bill Ferny: What makes you think he is a Baggins?
Jarvin: Well, he ate all the seed cakes in my pantry!
Bill Ferny: Seed cakes?
Jarvin: I made more.
Thomas: Sell him anyway!
Harry: Sell--
Frey: Cut, cut, CUT!
Hstaphath: What's the problem, Frey?
Frey: This scene just isn't working. It feels a bit... ummm... a bit of a stretch, doesn't it?
Hstaphath: Well, yes... I suppose you're right.
Frey: Of course I am.  It's like you are trying to force a square peg through a round hole here.
Hstaphath: Okay.  No problem, no problem.  Rewrite.  Yes, no need to resort to that just yet!
Frey: Indeed not.
Hstaphath: Yes, yes... fine.  Besides, it is truly of paramount importance to me that the "Burn the Witch" scene be as perfect as possible.
Frey: Right-- it should be nothing less than one of the principle comedic highlights of this entire epic trilogy!
Hstaphath: Great, great.  I think I know just the very place to use this scene in The Two Towers!
Frey: Excellent, it's all settled then.
Hstaphath: Brilliant. We're losing the scene, everyone! Rewrite. Just brilliant.
Frey: Let's call it a day and get something to drink.
Hstaphath: Yes. A drink... a drink would be very good. Great. No worries!

[Andromeda]

1. Ian doesn't want me to do stuff related to my actual identity on the internet, so no new pic.  I can rotate ancient ones.

2. This highly tempts me to do the Monte Python version of the Chronicles of Uglúk.