Topic: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!

[Hstaphath_XC]

XenoCorp (XC) Pictures
in association with Monty Python
presents

J.R.R. Tolkien's: Lord of the Rings (plus the Hobbit)
Super Duper Special Extended DVD Collection



J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Hërre uv den Råingengärna (också dën Høbitsån)
Tøppën Otrølig Spëciell Utsträckt DTA Insåmling

Bonus Features

With:
Deleted scenes, bloopers, commentary, behind the scene footage,
and other extras spanning all 4 of these epic parodies.
Wik

Written by:
James Haines
(aka: Hstaphath - The Official Bard of XenoCorp)
Røten nik Akten Di

Find out the awful fate that befell the "Burn the Witch!" skit as Hstaphath attempted to work it in to each of the 4 movies!  Hear at last the song parodies that ended up on the cutting room floor!  Discover the story within a story regarding Kadh and La'ra ending up at the battle of 5 armies!  Listen to how Guv Ronjar "never wanted to be a commentator anyway!"  All this and more because Hsta's teenage daughter thought it sounded like a great idea* when they were talking while watching the bonus material of Peter Jackson's lesser known versions of the tale!

*We very much suspect that the vast amount of eggnog she had inhaled while watching the movies with her father had something to do with that...

[Commander La'ra]

Just in time for New Years!  Woot!

[kadh2000]

Yea!!!

[Hstaphath_XC]

Monty Python: Lord of the Rings - Bonus Features

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 7a

Frodo of the Shire (Behind the Scene Footage)

Kieran Forester: ...which is pretty strong rhetoric there from the blogosphere who are saying, of course, that ultimately materialism, in this case the Twilight movie series and it's fan base of teenage girls, must destroy us all. That was for A. Smith, J. Haynes, R. Haynes and S. Ferret of Arlington. Later on, we're going to take a look at Quentin Tarantino's latest movie, "Buckets of Blood Pouring Out of People's Heads" but now we look ahead. On Tuesday, Guv Ronjar took a Rings of Power film unit to the location where XenoCorp Pictures is shooting their latest epic "Monty Python: Fellowship of the Ring".

(cut to Guv Ronjar standing with his back to a pier with a few oblivious elderly vacationers walking around behind him)

Guv Ronjar: Sea, sand and sunshine make Tybee Island the gem of the Georgia coastline. But for the next six months this low-key seaside resort will be transformed into the hilly and wooded terrain of Eriador in Middle-earth. For today shooting starts on the epic "Monty Python: Fellowship of the Ring", produced by Admiral Frey Petermeier.
(Ronjar walks over to Frey)
Frey: Hello.
Guv Ronjar: Frey, you chose Tybee as the location for Fellowship.
Frey: Right, right.
Guv Ronjar: Isn't it a bit of a drawback that there's no lush green forest here?
Frey: Well, we have 28,000 cubic feet of Forestex, which is a newly developed environmentally friendly foam rubber which actually on screen looks more like a forest than real trees...
(cut to a shot of work crews nailing and sticking brown and green foam rubber over things while other workers are painting the sand with green paint)
Frey: ...and 1,600 cubic furlongs of green paint, with a special mossy finish.
Guv Ronjar: And I hear that Liv Tyler is playing the role of Arwen.
Frey: That is correct. We were very thrilled and honored when Liv agreed to play the part of Arwen Evenstar...
(cut to Liv Tyler who is wearing a leather bikini/armor outfit and is having pointed ears stuck on while glitter is applied all over her body)
Frey: ...because a star of her magnitude can pick and choose, but she read the script and just flipped... or was it when she heard that Viggo Mortensen was playing the role of Strider and that a lot of ear fondling and snogging would be going on... hmmm...
(cut back to Frey Petermeier and Guv Ronjar)
Frey: And behind the camera we have a very fine young director, Hstaphath, who's also been writing the screenplay, of course... Hsta?
(Hstaphath rushes into foreground)
Hstaphath: Oh, there you are. Hello. Hello. No problem. Have a drink. Have a drink. Great. Hello. Marvelous. Marvelous. Hello. Rewrite. Oh-- this is really great. I mean... it's really saying something, don't you think?
Guv Ronjar: Have you started shooting yet?
Hstaphath: Yes, yes. Great. Perfect. No, no, we haven't started yet. No. But great-- great.
Guv Ronjar: What is the first scene that you will shoot this morning?
Hstaphath: Great. Terrific. Oh, it's great. No problem. We'll sort it out on the floor. Sort it out on the floor. No problem. This film is basically pro-humanity and anti-bad things and it rips aside the hypocritical facade of our society's general distaste of short people and leaves a lot of sacred cows, particularly persons known as Tolkienites, rolling around in agony-- have a drink, have a drink.
Guv Ronjar: But which scene are you shooting first, Hsta?
Hstaphath: Yes, great. Oh, marvelous. (calls out) Which scene are we shooting first? What? (to Ronjar) It's scene one. Scene one. It's in the middle of the movie. Well, it is now. I rewrote it. (calls out) I thought we cut that? Didn't we cut that and replace it with a narrative interlude?
Frey: No, we didn't.
Hstaphath: We didn't. Oh-- great. That's even better. I'll put it back in. Rewrite. (calling out) Scene one is back in, everyone. Scene one is back in. Great. Great. (to Ronjar) This is the scene where-- after the Nazgul attack on Weathertop... it's all bloody marvelous. It makes you just want to throw up.
(cut to Frey Petermeier and Guv Ronjar on the beach)
Frey: Now in this scene we have Aragorn, still travelling under the name Strider, trying to save the hobbit Frodo who has just been stabbed with a Morgul blade by the evil witch king.
Hstaphath: Places! Let's run it through once, people.
(cut to Strider and 3 hobbits kneeling on the green painted sand next to a delirious Frodo)
Sam: Mr. Frodo? (to Strider) He’s going cold!
Strider: He is passing into the shadow world... Sam, do you know of the Athelas plant?
Sam: Athelas?
Strider: Kingsfoil.
Sam: Kingsfoil... aye, that's a weed!
Strider: It may help to slow the poison. Hurry!
Hstaphath: (rushing in) Great, great.
Strider: What? What are you saying?
Hstaphath: I was just saying great, great. Cue Arwen.
(a beautiful scantily clad elf maiden with long brown hair comes into the shot riding a majestic white horse)
Hstaphath: Great, yes. Great. Keep it going.
(Arwen rides up behind Strider and towers over him since she is on a large horse and he is kneeling down beside Frodo)
Frey: And that is Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins, by the way.
Guv Ronjar: The hobbit?
Frey: No-- not "the" hobbit, but that hobbit at any rate.
Guv Ronjar: Ummm... right.
(Arwen leans down and is barely able to tap Strider on the shoulder with her sword)
Arwen: Oh, I've forgotten my line.
Hstaphath: What's her line? What's her line?!
(Annie, Hstaphath's assistant, runs in with the script)
Annie: It's "What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?"
Arwen: Oh, yes. "What's this? A ranger? A ranger cau--" oh, I'm just not happy with this line. Could I just say "What's all this?"
Hstaphath: Great. Great. Rewrite. Cue.
Arwen: "What's all that?" Oh, sorry. "Where's this?" Oh-- I'm sorry again. Oh, Hsta. I'm just very unhappy with this line. Hey, can I do it all sort of kooky, like... (goes berserk waving her sword above her head) "Whaaazup?!"
Hstaphath: Great! We'll shoot it.
Strider: Are you sure that's right?
Hstaphath: Oh, it's great.
(Frey walks into the shot)
Frey: Hsta.
Hstaphath: Hsta? Hsta??? Oh-- me!
Frey: Hsta... I feel we may be running into some problems here in the area of height.
Hstaphath: Great! Where are they?
Frey: Where are who?
Hstaphath: I don't know. I was getting confused.
Frey: Hsta, I feel here that Arwen may be too tall in the area of height with reference to Strider who is too near the ground in the area of being too short at this time.
Hstaphath: Great... Oh, I know. I'm going to dig a pit for Arwen's horse and put a few boxes under Frodo and Strider.
Strider: Say, why don't I just stand up and we have Arwen get off of her high horse?
Hstaphath: It wouldn't work... It's even better! Great. Rewrite!
Arwen:  What was that?
Hstaphath: Oh, it's easy. I've worked it out. Strider stands up and you get down from the horse.
Arwen:  I say my lines off of the horse?
Hstaphath: Even better. Great.
Arwen:  But I've never acted without being on a horse. I could get trampled. It's dangerous.
Hstaphath: Oh-- well... Liv, darling, could you just try it?
Arwen:  Look, you crumb bum, I'm a star. Star, star, star. I don't get a bazillion dollars to act while just standing around! I played Miss Jewel Valentine in "One Night at McCool's" while on a horse, I played Miss Faye Dolan in "That Thing You Do" on a horse, and I played Miss Grace Stamper in "Armageddon" riding a Clydesdale on a rickety offshore oil rig so if you want this scene played out with Arwen off her horse, well... you better just get yourself a goddamn stunt woman. (gallops off in a huff) I played Miss Lucy Harmon in "Stealing Beauty" on a bloody Shetland pony and I am set to play Miss Betty Ross while riding the incredible hulk, so don't...
Hstaphath: Great. Great everyone. Lunch now. Lunch. It's all in the can. Good morning's work.
Frey: But you haven't done a shot.
Hstaphath: Just keeping morale up. (tries to take a drink from his view finder)

(later that evening)

Frey: Now this evening we're going to shoot the scene where Strider grabs a torch and sword to fight off the Nazgul when he sees a tiger and he fights it and kills it and the blood goes "pssssssssshhh" in slow motion.
Guv Ronjar: But there aren't any tigers in Eriador.
Frey: What?
Guv Ronjar: There aren't any tigers in Eriador.
Frey: You're right. There are no tigers in Eriador. That's ridiculous... whoever heard of a tiger in Eriador. Right. Lose the tiger.
Hstaphath: Got to keep the tiger. It's great!
Frey: Lose the tiger.
Hstaphath: Great. We're losing the tiger. Rewrite. Lose the tiger everyone. That's fantastic... I'll use it at the battle of Helm's Deep.
Strider: What's this about losing the tiger?
Frey: Well, Mr. Mortensen, we thought perhaps we might lose the fight with the tiger a little bit.
Strider: (loudly) Why?
Frey: Well, Viggo, there are apparently no tigers in Eriador.
Strider: (shouting) I get to fight the tiger!
Frey: It would be silly.
Strider: Listen, I gotta fight the tiger. That's what this guy Aragorn is all about. I know. I've studied him already.
Frey: But this is a woodland setting... why couldn't you fight a rabbit?
Hstaphath: Great! (falls over)
Strider: Fight a rotten bunny?!
Frey: It needn't be a little rabbit. It can be the most foul, bad tempered bunny you've ever seen. A berserker crazed bloodthirsty rabbit that can leap twenty feet high with sharp cruel teeth that rips flesh and bone... yeah, yeah... and when it chews someone's head off the blood can go spurting "psssssshhhh" in slow motion.
Strider: The tiger is in the contract.
(pause)
Frey: He fights the tiger.
Hstaphath: Even better. Great. Have a drink. Lose the rabbit. Stand by to shoot. (falls over)
Frey: Where do they have tigers?
Guv Ronjar: Rhun, I think.
Frey: That's it. The fellowship travels through Rhun.  We can have as many tigers as we need, then.
Hstaphath: Great! (falls over and fails to get back up this time)
Frey: They are taking a route to Mordor that no one else would ever suspect. That ties in with the sand as well. Right. (shouting) Paint the beach yellow again!
(Hstaphath starts twitching violently while laying face down in the green sand)
Frey: Okay, let's get this show on the road. Monty Python: The King's Return of the Fellowship of the Hobbit's Ring to the Two Towers of Rhun!

[Hstaphath_XC]

Monty Python: Lord of the Rings - Bonus Features

The Two Towers: Narrative Interlude

Calling Sauron Redux (Blooper Reel)

Narrator: It is night once more in Barad-dur. The flaming eye of Sauron rests uneasy atop his black tower. The lack of any word from Saruman troubles him and his dread Nazgul Who Say "Ni" have yet to report back on what has gone amiss. Disrupting these troubling thoughts, he hears a call coming in on his Palantir.



Sauron: Hello?
Deep Voice: Hi, I'm calling for Mr. Wiener. First name is Drew with a middle initial of P.
Sauron: Uh, Drew P. Wiener?
Deep Voice: Yes, is he there?
Sauron: (sighing) Hold on...
(Sauron's voice blares out once more throughout the land of Mordor)
Sauron: Hey, attention everyone, do I have a Drew P. Wiener out here?!
Orcs: Haw haw heh! Oh, haw haw haw haw!
Sauron: Oh, will somebody please frickin' check to see if I have a Drew P. Wiener or not!
Deep Voice: Maybe you should get yourself a real girlfriend rather than surfing the Palantir so much! Ha haaa ha ha!
Sauron: What?!? It's you again isn't it, you little runt?! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch my trolls kick the crap outta you, okay?! Then I'm going to use your head for a bucket, your tongue for a brush, and your brains to paint my--
[click]
Pippin: Ha ha! Oh yes--
Frey: No, no, no.
Hstaphath: Cut!  What do you mean, It's great!
Frey: Seriously now... "Droopy Wiener" and "surfing the Palantir?"
Merry: We came up with that ourselves!
Hstaphath: Oh, it's no problem. Have a drink. We'll sort it out on the floor.
Frey: Well, I'm sorry but it just isn't working for me.
Pippin: You don't have to be an ass about it.
Frey: I'm not being an ass about it, you two are!
Merry: At least we are little asses about it compared to you being a big ass about it!
Pippin: Yeah, a huge ass-- wait a tick... HUGH JASS!!!
Merry: Oh, that's brilliant!
Hstaphath: Right-- places everyone.
Frey: Doesn't sound like much of an improvement.
Hstaphath: Take 23... and... action!



[clack]

[kadh2000]

It is certainly clear why these scenes were not included in the flim.

[Father Ted]

I remember reading a few years ago that back in the 60's, the Beatles wanted to make their own LOTR movie. I'm not sure who would play which hobbit, but they were definitely casting themselves in those roles. Again, no idea who would have played Gandalf, Aragorn, etc., but Gollum was the perfect spot for Yoko. 

[Hstaphath_XC]

I am almost done with the next bonus scene now, one for MP:RotK, and just want to make sure I'm not trying to "milk a dead cow" here.

A Beatles version of LotR... WOW... the song parodies... the endless number of song parodies now going through my head...   

[kadh2000]

Hsta, oh no.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm loving it.  You do a good job of both making the outtakes funny and less apt than what was in the story at the same time. 

Besides I want to know all of these things:

The awful fate that befell the "Burn the Witch!" skit as Hstaphath attempted to work it in to each of the 4 movies!  The song parodies that ended up on the cutting room floor! The story within a story regarding Kadh and La'ra ending up at the battle of 5 armies!  How Guv Ronjar "never wanted to be a commentator anyway!" 


Now, LotR by the Beatles... That strikes me as a fun idea. 

Gorgoroth Fields forever...
Bag End Lane...
Captain Faramir's Lonely Hearts Club Band...
Let it be...

Can't you just see all the Nazgul chasing after the hobbit with the ring screaming "Ringo!!"  (I mean, come on, with a name like that, how couldn't he be a hobbit?)

[Commander La'ra]

The story within a story regarding Kadh and La'ra ending up at the battle

I would sorta like to hear that one too.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Hsta, oh no.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm loving it.  You do a good job of both making the outtakes funny and less apt than what was in the story at the same time.

Thanks!!!  I should have the next two deleted scenes up today.  I managed to get a tremendous amount of writing done over the weekend (nearly 9 complete scenes worth!) and just need to get them typed in.

This looks like it will be 16 scenes long with 4 scenes from each of the 4 parodies.  Since I have enough ideas already for an additional scene or two from each of the parodies beyond that, it may end up even longer.

Now, LotR by the Beatles... That strikes me as a fun idea.

Hehe... this one would have worked in MP:FotR Scene 7a:

He stabbed you, yeah, yeah, yeah!
He stabbed you, yeah, yeah, yeah!
And with a Morgul blade,
You know that's gotta be bad!

I better stop there.   

The story within a story regarding Kadh and La'ra ending up at the battle

I would sorta like to hear that one too.

I currently have that planned as bonus scene #8, so you shouldn't have to wait long.  The Guv and Kieran return for scene 4 (possibly one of the funniest things I've ever written) and you have a cameo at the end of it.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Return of the King: Scene 9

The Tower of Cirith Ungol (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Arriving at the scene of Sam's encounter with Shelob, Gorbag and his group of patrolling orcs find a prize worthy of Sauron's attention. Elvish almost, but undersized it looks. A midget? No... a halfling? Yes-- a hobbit! The orcs quickly take their discovery to the Tower of Cirith Ungol, commanded by Shagrat, for safekeeping. Samwise Gamgee manages to follow close behind while avoiding notice.

Orcs: A halfling! A halfling! A halfling! A halfling! We've found a halfling! A halfling! A halfling! A halfling! A halfling! We've got us a halfling! A halfling! A halfling! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! We've found a halfling! We've found us a halfling! A halfling! A halfling! A halfling!
Gorbag: We found us a halfling. Can we eats him?
Orcs: Eat him! Eat! Eat him! Eat him!
Shagrat: How do ya know e's a halfling?
Gorbag: He looks like one.
Orcs: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Shagrat: Bring him here.
Frodo: I'm not a halfling. I'm not a halfling.
Shagrat: You sure do look like one.
Frodo: They dressed me up like this.
Orcs: Augh-- we didn't! We didn't...
Frodo: And this isn't my hair on my feet, they glued it on.
Frey: Cut!
Hstaphath: What do you mean, It's fantastic!
Frey: Hsta... I know how badly you want to do the "Burn the Witch" scene, but this just isn't flowing.
Hstaphath: We've got to keep the scene. It's great! It's only one of the most popular Monty Python scenes ever. We've just got to keep it. I'll rewrite it and sort it out. No problem. Have a drink. Yes, have a drink and we can sort it out on the floor. Marvelous. Marvelous.
Frey: Lose the scene.
Hstaphath: Great. We're losing the scene. Rewrite. Great everyone. Lunch now. Lunch.
Frey: Don't fret about this, Hsta. It looks like we will make enough scratch to get a shot at going back and doing the Hobbit prelude movie after all this so you will get another chance to use the "Burn the Witch" scene.
Hstaphath: Great. Perfect. Terrific. Just terrific. (falls over)
[THUD]

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 9

Rings of Power (Deleted Scene)

Kieran Forester:  The dwarves have gathered to plan the next phase of the quest now that they are finally in the secret tunnel and have Smaug at the other end to contend directly with.

Dwalin: Here we are at last inside our long lost home of Erebor! Our burglar will head down the tunnel from here, using stealth of course, and make his way to the treasure horde. If possible, he will grab what he can and bring it back to us. Thorin, our glorious leader, founder of the D.F.E. and true King under the mountain, will be coordinating the operation from here with the rest of us dwarves acting as his royal bodyguard and taking no part in any burgling activities since we all have bad backs.
Bilbo: Aren't any of you coming with me?
Thorin: Solidarity, Bilbo.
Bilbo: Oh, yes. Solidarity, Thorin.
Dwalin: Once you find the treasure, timing will be of the essence.  There is no telling how long Smaug will stay asleep so you must move fast and quiet. Heading down from here, you enter the Thrain the first memorial secret tunnel which should proceed directly to the great hall. Without a doubt, that is where the dragon has piled up anything of value so you--
[chink chink chink]
[thunk thunk chink chink chink chink chink]
[thump thump thump thump]
(another group of dwarves suddenly and unexpectantly walk up to Thorin and company in the secret tunnel)
CFE Dwarves: Shhh!  Shh.  Shhh.  Shh.
Deadly Dirfur: Campaign for Free Erebor!
Thorin: Oh. Uh, Dwarven Front of Erebor... and I am Thorin Oakenshield son of Thrain son of Thror the King.
Deadly Dirfur: Oh.
Dwalin: What's your group doing here?
Deadly Dirfur: We're going to kill the dragon, take the treasure, restore the kingdom.
Nori: So are we.
Deadly Dirfur: What?
Thorin: That's our plan!
Deadly Dirfur: We were here first!
Loretta: What do you mean?!
Deadly Dirfur: We thought of it first!
Ori: Oh, yeah?
Deadly Dirfur: Yes. Many, many years ago!
DFE Dwarves: Ha. Heh. Ha-ha.
Deadly Dirfur: We did!
Thorin: Okay, c-- co-- come on... how did you even get in the mountain?
Deadly Dirfur: My father's father was Diforin the royal chamberlain--
Gloin: You mean Diforin the head janitor?!
Deadly Dirfur: Uh, chamberlain... and he passed down his key to the secret door in the secondary 3rd level cleaning supplies closet.
DFE Dwarves: Heh-heh. Ha. Ha!
Thorin: (snickering) Okay. You lot got a plan for killing ol' Smaug all worked out, then?
Deadly Dirfur: Of course we have.
Thorin: How do you think you are going to do it?
Deadly Dirfur: Well, I'm not telling you.
Dwalin: Oh, come on. Pull the other one.
Deadly Dirfur: It's beside the point! We got here before you!
Fili: Did not.
Deadly Dirfur: We did!
Thorin: You didn't.
CFE Dwarves: We bloody did!
Bilbo: Shhhh! The dragon will hear us!
DFE Dwarves: You totally did not!
Deadly Dirfur: You bastards!  We've been planning this for decades.
Thorin: Well... tough titty for you, broom pusher. Oh! Oh.
(the dwarves begin pushing and fighting each other)
Bilbo: Dwarves! Dwarves! You should be struggling together!
Dwalin: We are! Ohh.
Bilbo: No, I mean you must not fight each other! Surely you should be united against the common enemy!
(the fighting comes to an immediate halt)
Dwarves: The Ereborian Dwarven Front?!
Bilbo: No, no! The dragon!
Dwarves: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.
Thorin: Yes. Our burglar is quite right.
Kieran Forester: Unfortunately for the dwarves, all this arguing had indeed awoken Smaug who chose this moment to breathe a heavy stream of fire up the small tunnel that all the annoying noise was coming from.
CFE Dwarves: Look out!
DFE Dwarves: Careful!
Deadly Dirfur: Run away!!!
(cut to Guv Ronjar who is talking to someone off camera)
Guv Ronjar: ...so then I said to La'ra that I don't care how young the two elven girls at the pub looked since I already knew they were old enough to be our gorram great-great-grandmothers and he was already all over the one named Serailian and not even hearing a bloody word I was saying so--
Kieran Forester: Guv!!! You missed your cue!
Guv Ronjar: Oh, sod it all! You know, I never wanted to be a commentator in this parody anyway. I wanted to be... a lumberjack!
(a visonary glow suffuses the Guv's face as the camera shot pans out)
Guv Ronjar:  Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of Middle-earth! The Elm! The Larch! The Mallorn! The mighty Forlindon Pine!
(Ronjar tears off his jacket to reveal a tartan shirt and lumberjack trousers underneath while the singing of a choir begins to rise up in the background)
Guv Ronjar:  The plucky Yew of Mirkwood! The great limping rude tree of Fangorn!
(Ronjar turns around and is decked out in full lumberjack regalia in the midst of a mighty forest of Eriador)
Guv Ronjar:  The smell of fresh-cut timber! The crash of mighty trees!
(Ronjar takes the hand of a buxom blonde hobbit lass, the heroine of many a mountaineering film and the singer of this feature's opening song, who clings to his side and looks adoringly up at him)
Guv Ronjar:  With Estella by my side. We'd sing! Sing!
(a small group of rangers of the north, Dunedain, emerge from the trees and gather behind Ronjar)
Guv Ronjar:  Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!
I sleep all night and I work all day.
Rangers: He's a lumberjack and he's okay!
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Guv Ronjar:  I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I prank call Sauron with a random Palantiri.
Rangers: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he prank calls Sauron from a random Palantiri.
He's a lumberjack and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day!
Guv Ronjar:  I cut down trees, I like piña coladas and walking in rain falls.
I put on women's clothing and hang around beer halls! 
Rangers: He cuts down trees, he likes piña coladas and walking in rain falls.
He puts on women's clothing and hangs around beer halls?!
(a brief confused pause)
Rangers: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay!
He sleeps all night and he works all day!
Guv Ronjar:  I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra!
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my cousin La'ra!
Rangers: He cuts down trees, he wears... high heels? Suspenders... and a bra?!
Wants to be a girlie?! Poofter! Bloody poofter!
(Ronjar assumes a majestic pose but it is of little use)
Estella: Oh, Guv! And I thought you were so rugged!
(she runs off as the rangers shake their heads)
Guv Ronjar: Steady lads... let's have the big finish!
Rangers: He's a lumberjack and he's okay!
He sleeps all night and he works all day!
He's a lumberjack and he's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...
Sleeps all night and he works all day!
(La'ra, dressed in full battle gear for scene 13, walks up to Ronjar and hits him with a rubber chicken)
[WHACK]
(cut back to Kieran as an arrow with a note attached to it suddenly strikes the middle of his desk)
Kieran Forester:  This letter just in.
(Kieran removes the rolled piece of parchment from the arrow)
Kieran Forester:  Dear Sir, I wish to complain on the strongest possible terms in regards to the previous scene of this parody in reference to the lumberjack who wears womens' clothes. Some of my best friends are lumberjacks and only a few of them are transvestites. Yours faithfully, Saruman the White.
(pause)
Kieran Forester:  P.S.: I have never had sexual relations with any blasted cows.

[Commander La'ra]

 

[kadh2000]

Cut, cut.  Stop it right now.  That was too silly.

I always knew there was something funny about the Guv.  And La'ra.  I mean, all that time around Leral.


Of course if an ent had come up and squashed the Guv mid-song.  Oh, many it's so funny it inspires.

[KOTH-KieranXC, Ret.]

Good to see you doing more of these scenes, Hsta. I love it.

And the whole thing has become even funnier to me now that I've finally seen Life of Brian.

[Hstaphath_XC]

         

Cut, cut.  Stop it right now.  That was too silly.

I will take that as high praise!

I always knew there was something funny about the Guv.  And La'ra.  I mean, all that time around Leral.

Hehe... Indeed.  I'm still waiting for the Guv's reaction to this scene.  Every time Ronjar teases La'ra about being the "Buffalo Wrestler", now La'ra can start singing the Lumberjack song back at him.

Guv Ronjar:  What irony!

Of course if an ent had come up and squashed the Guv mid-song.  Oh, many it's so funny it inspires.

Great. Perfect. Rewrite. Cue the ent. Marvelous. Just marvelous. (falls over)

Good to see you doing more of these scenes, Hsta. I love it.

Thanks, K-Fo!  It's good to be seen.  

And the whole thing has become even funnier to me now that I've finally seen Life of Brian.

LOL!  Well, yes... that does help a bit!!!

[Governor Ronjar]

Guv Ronjar:  I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra!


Yes, yes I do. And that's ok.

luv it!

--rog

[Hstaphath_XC]

Yes, yes I do. And that's ok.

And as long as you keep waving that disruptor rifle at me, I feel it is in my best interests to continue to agree with you!

 

More scenes are on the way, of course.  I've just been a little to sick and busy to get much done... including being sick of being busy!   

[Hstaphath_XC]

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 7

The Prancing Pony (Blooper Reel)

Narrator: Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry arrive in Bree and manage to make their way to the Inn of the Prancing Pony.
Sam: I don't like the looks of some of these fell--
Pippin: Food!
Merry: Beer!
Frodo: Right you are, my friends. We need food and drink, but we must be on our guard. Merry, Pippin! Make sure you stay here and don't mention my real name... or anything about my ring either.
Pippin: Stay here and mention your real name and the ring.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: No, no. Don't mention my real name or anything about the ring.
Pippin: Don't mention your real name or the ring, so don't stay here.
Frodo: No, no, no. You stay here and get some food and drink.
Pippin: And mention your real name and the ring.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Right-- I mean, wrong!
Pippin: Oh... the line was "don't mention your real name or the ring" that time, eh?
Hstaphath: Yes-- right. No problem, no problem... keep it rolling.  Let's take it again from the first hiccup!
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: No, no. Don't mention my real name or anything about the ring.
Pippin: Don't mention your real name or the ring, so don't stay here.
Frodo: No, no, no. You stay here and get some food and drink.
Pippin: And don't mention your real name or the ring.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Right.
Pippin: We don't need to do anything, apart from mentioning your real name.
Frodo: No, no. Mention my real name... I mean, don't mention my name-- bugger me silly!
Hstaphath: Cut!
Pippin: Hehe... what sadistic bastard wrote this scene?!
Hstaphath: Actually it was me-- ummm... (cough) stay focused now!  Let's go again from the previous hiccup... and-- action!

Guv Ronjar: Monty Python's Fellowship of the Ring, Scene 7, Take 23.
[clack]
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Right.
Pippin: We don't need to do anything, apart from mentioning your real name.
Frodo: No, no. Don't mention my real name.
Pippin: Or about the ring, yes.
Frodo: All right?
Pippin: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
Frodo: Yes, what is it?
Pippin: Oh, if-if, oh--
Frodo: (laughing) You've completely forgotten your line now, haven't you?!
Pippin: (laughing) Completely... gone... no clue whatsoever at this point!
Hstaphath: No, no!  It's great!  Perfect, perfect... rewrite!  Cut!  We are leaving that in... everyone take a 15 minute break while we reset the scene!
Merry: Hic!

(cut to the inside of a studio trailer)

Pippin: ...and mine is thinner than yours.
Merry: Yeah, but yours is longer--

Frey: (opening the door) Time to report back to the-- what's all this?!
Pippin and Merry: [zip] Nothin'!
Merry: We were just going over scene 7--
Pippin: The Prancing Pony scene!
(Pippin throws a lifesize "Arwen the Elven Warrior Princess" doll behind his bed and covers it with a blanket)
Merry: Yeah-- and it's terribly confusing.
Pippin: Oh, yes... horribly confusing!
Frey: (backing slowly out of the room) Okay... just get back to the set as soon as you can, lads.
Hstaphath: Now I wish I hadn't brought the camera with us!
Frey: Wha-- CUT!!!

(cut back to the Prancing Pony set)


Guv Ronjar: Monty Python's Fellowship of the Ring, Scene 7, Take 78... may the bloody Valar help us!
[clack]
Frodo: Look, it's quite simple.
Pippin: Uh...
Frodo: You just stay here and don't mention my real name or anything about the ring. All right?
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Right.
Pippin: Oh, I remember. Uh, can we leave the room if we take Sam with us?
Frodo: N-- No, no, no. You just stay in here, and make sure--
Pippin: Oh, yes, we'll stay in here, obviously. But if we had to leave and we took Sam with us--
Frodo: No, no, just stay in here--
Pippin: Get some food, drink, and mention your name--
Frodo: No, don't mention my real name--
Pippin: Don't mention your name.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: ... or the ring.
Pippin: Or the bling.
Frodo: Right-- did you just say bling?
Hstaphath: Cut!
Pippin: Bloody hell... I thought I had it that time!  Honestly!
Frey: What else can go wrong?!

(cut to the Ford of Bruinen)

Head Nazgul: Ni!  Give up the Halfling, she-elf.
Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him!
(the Nazgul Who Say "Ni" spur their horses into the water to cross the Ford)
Arwen: (yelling in Elvish) Non o Chithaeglir, lasto Beth daer-- Rimmo nin Briunen Dan in Ulaer!
(a vast torrent of water floods down the river and sweeps away the Nazgul in the deluge)
Frodo: (losing consciousness) Neee-wom...
Arwen: No, no... Frodo, don't give in... not now!
(Arwen moves to sheath Hadhafang, her famed sword)
[sha-thunk]

Arwen: Aaiiiiieeeeeeeee!!!
Frodo: MEDIC!
Hstaphath: Cut!  Get the Doc... again!  Quickly!!!
Frey: Bloody hell-- literally!  That's the third time she has stabbed herself, now.
Hstaphath: Keep pressure on it!
Arwen: Oh, don't let me get blood on my horse!
Frey: Hsta, perhaps a narrative interlude for all this is in order?
Hstaphath: Brilliant, brilliant.  Rewrite!  Let's take 30 minutes and set up for scene 9, everyone!  Brillant-- oh, now that's going to leave a scar...

(cut to the far edge of the Dimrill Dale)

Gimli: I'm telling you, we are taking the long way round.  We should go through Khazad-dum!
Gandalf: No, Gimli.  I would not take the road through the mines of Moria unless I had no other choice.
(Legolas stops everyone at the distant sight of a dark patch in the sky which darts about like a bit of smoke in the wind)
Sam: What is that?
Gimli: Nothing... just a wisp of a cloud.
Boromir: It's moving fast-- against the wind!
Legolas: A rotospycopter from Khand!
Aragorn: Run away!
Boromir: (pulling Gimli along) Take cover!

[whop whop whop whop whop whop whop]
Frey: What in the name of-- CUT!!!
Hstaphath: Ummm... what's the trouble, Frey?
Frey: There are no helicopters in Middle-earth! NONE!!!
Hstaphath: Well, I know we agreed on a flock of crebain originally, but the local ones are migratory and this is the wrong season and all... so I thought maybe we could--
Frey: No!
Hstaphath: But--
Frey: Absolutely not!
Hstaphath: (sighing) Alright, then.  Annie!  Get Matt on the phone about that crate of swallows he offered me.
Annie: The European or the African ones?
Hstaphath: African-- no coconuts this time!  And we'll need paint.
Annie: Right, boss!
Hstaphath: Wonderful.  Rewrite-- back to version 14 of this scene!  Bloody wonderful.  Let's break for lunch and then try it again, people.  Great, just great.
[thud]

(cut to Mazarbul, the hall of records of Moria)

Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!
(a low rolling boom rises from the depths below... growing louder)
[boom]
[boom boom boom]
[BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM]
Sam: Mr. Frodo!
(Frodo draws the sword Sting out of his scabbard... and stares at it's glowing blue blade)
Legolas: Orcs!
Aragorn: (to the hobbits) Get back while we seal the door!
(Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir, and Gandalf run to close and wedge the doors)
Boromir: The orcs have a cave troll!
Gimli: Let them come! There is one Dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath!
[knock knock]
(pause)
[knock knock knock]
Aragorn: What the--
(the muffled voice of Gandalf can be heard from the other side of the door)
Legolas: Oh, bugger...
(everyone breaks out in laughter)
Hstaphath: Cut, cut!  Get the door open!
(the rusty dwarven axes and bits of broken wood used to block the door are removed and Gandalf walks back in)

Gandalf: You mean bastards!
(everyone continues to laugh)
Pippen: (laughing) Well now... at least we know we won't have a problem killing 'em off in scene 11, eh?!
Gandalf: Ah, Peregrin Took.  I have something in my hand that I made just for you.
Pippen: (excited) Oh, what is it?
Gandalf: It's a fist.
Pippen: Hunh?
Gandalf: It's for hitting people with.
[thunk]
Pippen: Owww!
Gandalf: And the best thing is... you can use it again--
[thunk]
Pippen: Owww!
Gandalf: And again!
[THUNK]
Pippen: OWWWWW!!!

(cut back to the Prancing Pony)


Guv Ronjar: (sobbing) Monty Python's Fellowship of the Ring, Scene 7, Take 214... please would someone... anyone... just kill me NOW?!
Hstaphath: (turning to look at Frey) "What else could go wrong", eh?  You just had to ask, didn't you?!
Frey: Sorry...
[clack]