Topic: Monty Python: LOTR - Bonus Features!

[Hstaphath_XC]

XenoCorp (XC) Pictures
in association with Monty Python
presents

J.R.R. Tolkien's: Lord of the Rings (plus the Hobbit)
Super Duper Special Extended DVD Collection



J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Hërre uv den Råingengärna (också dën Høbitsån)
Tøppën Otrølig Spëciell Utsträckt DTA Insåmling

Bonus Features

With:
Deleted scenes, bloopers, commentary, behind the scene footage,
and other extras spanning all 4 of these epic parodies.
Wik

Written by:
James Haines
(aka: Hstaphath - The Official Bard of XenoCorp)
Røten nik Akten Di

Find out the awful fate that befell the "Burn the Witch!" skit as Hstaphath attempted to work it in to each of the 4 movies!  Hear at last the song parodies that ended up on the cutting room floor!  Discover the story within a story regarding Kadh and La'ra ending up at the battle of 5 armies!  Listen to how Guv Ronjar "never wanted to be a commentator anyway!"  All this and more because Hsta's teenage daughter thought it sounded like a great idea* when they were talking while watching the bonus material of Peter Jackson's lesser known versions of the tale!

*We very much suspect that the vast amount of eggnog she had inhaled while watching the movies with her father had something to do with that...

[Commander La'ra]

Just in time for New Years!  Woot!

[kadh2000]

Yea!!!

[Hstaphath_XC]

Monty Python: Lord of the Rings - Bonus Features

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 7a

Frodo of the Shire (Behind the Scene Footage)

Kieran Forester: ...which is pretty strong rhetoric there from the blogosphere who are saying, of course, that ultimately materialism, in this case the Twilight movie series and it's fan base of teenage girls, must destroy us all. That was for A. Smith, J. Haynes, R. Haynes and S. Ferret of Arlington. Later on, we're going to take a look at Quentin Tarantino's latest movie, "Buckets of Blood Pouring Out of People's Heads" but now we look ahead. On Tuesday, Guv Ronjar took a Rings of Power film unit to the location where XenoCorp Pictures is shooting their latest epic "Monty Python: Fellowship of the Ring".

(cut to Guv Ronjar standing with his back to a pier with a few oblivious elderly vacationers walking around behind him)

Guv Ronjar: Sea, sand and sunshine make Tybee Island the gem of the Georgia coastline. But for the next six months this low-key seaside resort will be transformed into the hilly and wooded terrain of Eriador in Middle-earth. For today shooting starts on the epic "Monty Python: Fellowship of the Ring", produced by Admiral Frey Petermeier.
(Ronjar walks over to Frey)
Frey: Hello.
Guv Ronjar: Frey, you chose Tybee as the location for Fellowship.
Frey: Right, right.
Guv Ronjar: Isn't it a bit of a drawback that there's no lush green forest here?
Frey: Well, we have 28,000 cubic feet of Forestex, which is a newly developed environmentally friendly foam rubber which actually on screen looks more like a forest than real trees...
(cut to a shot of work crews nailing and sticking brown and green foam rubber over things while other workers are painting the sand with green paint)
Frey: ...and 1,600 cubic furlongs of green paint, with a special mossy finish.
Guv Ronjar: And I hear that Liv Tyler is playing the role of Arwen.
Frey: That is correct. We were very thrilled and honored when Liv agreed to play the part of Arwen Evenstar...
(cut to Liv Tyler who is wearing a leather bikini/armor outfit and is having pointed ears stuck on while glitter is applied all over her body)
Frey: ...because a star of her magnitude can pick and choose, but she read the script and just flipped... or was it when she heard that Viggo Mortensen was playing the role of Strider and that a lot of ear fondling and snogging would be going on... hmmm...
(cut back to Frey Petermeier and Guv Ronjar)
Frey: And behind the camera we have a very fine young director, Hstaphath, who's also been writing the screenplay, of course... Hsta?
(Hstaphath rushes into foreground)
Hstaphath: Oh, there you are. Hello. Hello. No problem. Have a drink. Have a drink. Great. Hello. Marvelous. Marvelous. Hello. Rewrite. Oh-- this is really great. I mean... it's really saying something, don't you think?
Guv Ronjar: Have you started shooting yet?
Hstaphath: Yes, yes. Great. Perfect. No, no, we haven't started yet. No. But great-- great.
Guv Ronjar: What is the first scene that you will shoot this morning?
Hstaphath: Great. Terrific. Oh, it's great. No problem. We'll sort it out on the floor. Sort it out on the floor. No problem. This film is basically pro-humanity and anti-bad things and it rips aside the hypocritical facade of our society's general distaste of short people and leaves a lot of sacred cows, particularly persons known as Tolkienites, rolling around in agony-- have a drink, have a drink.
Guv Ronjar: But which scene are you shooting first, Hsta?
Hstaphath: Yes, great. Oh, marvelous. (calls out) Which scene are we shooting first? What? (to Ronjar) It's scene one. Scene one. It's in the middle of the movie. Well, it is now. I rewrote it. (calls out) I thought we cut that? Didn't we cut that and replace it with a narrative interlude?
Frey: No, we didn't.
Hstaphath: We didn't. Oh-- great. That's even better. I'll put it back in. Rewrite. (calling out) Scene one is back in, everyone. Scene one is back in. Great. Great. (to Ronjar) This is the scene where-- after the Nazgul attack on Weathertop... it's all bloody marvelous. It makes you just want to throw up.
(cut to Frey Petermeier and Guv Ronjar on the beach)
Frey: Now in this scene we have Aragorn, still travelling under the name Strider, trying to save the hobbit Frodo who has just been stabbed with a Morgul blade by the evil witch king.
Hstaphath: Places! Let's run it through once, people.
(cut to Strider and 3 hobbits kneeling on the green painted sand next to a delirious Frodo)
Sam: Mr. Frodo? (to Strider) He’s going cold!
Strider: He is passing into the shadow world... Sam, do you know of the Athelas plant?
Sam: Athelas?
Strider: Kingsfoil.
Sam: Kingsfoil... aye, that's a weed!
Strider: It may help to slow the poison. Hurry!
Hstaphath: (rushing in) Great, great.
Strider: What? What are you saying?
Hstaphath: I was just saying great, great. Cue Arwen.
(a beautiful scantily clad elf maiden with long brown hair comes into the shot riding a majestic white horse)
Hstaphath: Great, yes. Great. Keep it going.
(Arwen rides up behind Strider and towers over him since she is on a large horse and he is kneeling down beside Frodo)
Frey: And that is Elijah Wood as Frodo Baggins, by the way.
Guv Ronjar: The hobbit?
Frey: No-- not "the" hobbit, but that hobbit at any rate.
Guv Ronjar: Ummm... right.
(Arwen leans down and is barely able to tap Strider on the shoulder with her sword)
Arwen: Oh, I've forgotten my line.
Hstaphath: What's her line? What's her line?!
(Annie, Hstaphath's assistant, runs in with the script)
Annie: It's "What's this? A ranger caught off his guard?"
Arwen: Oh, yes. "What's this? A ranger? A ranger cau--" oh, I'm just not happy with this line. Could I just say "What's all this?"
Hstaphath: Great. Great. Rewrite. Cue.
Arwen: "What's all that?" Oh, sorry. "Where's this?" Oh-- I'm sorry again. Oh, Hsta. I'm just very unhappy with this line. Hey, can I do it all sort of kooky, like... (goes berserk waving her sword above her head) "Whaaazup?!"
Hstaphath: Great! We'll shoot it.
Strider: Are you sure that's right?
Hstaphath: Oh, it's great.
(Frey walks into the shot)
Frey: Hsta.
Hstaphath: Hsta? Hsta??? Oh-- me!
Frey: Hsta... I feel we may be running into some problems here in the area of height.
Hstaphath: Great! Where are they?
Frey: Where are who?
Hstaphath: I don't know. I was getting confused.
Frey: Hsta, I feel here that Arwen may be too tall in the area of height with reference to Strider who is too near the ground in the area of being too short at this time.
Hstaphath: Great... Oh, I know. I'm going to dig a pit for Arwen's horse and put a few boxes under Frodo and Strider.
Strider: Say, why don't I just stand up and we have Arwen get off of her high horse?
Hstaphath: It wouldn't work... It's even better! Great. Rewrite!
Arwen:  What was that?
Hstaphath: Oh, it's easy. I've worked it out. Strider stands up and you get down from the horse.
Arwen:  I say my lines off of the horse?
Hstaphath: Even better. Great.
Arwen:  But I've never acted without being on a horse. I could get trampled. It's dangerous.
Hstaphath: Oh-- well... Liv, darling, could you just try it?
Arwen:  Look, you crumb bum, I'm a star. Star, star, star. I don't get a bazillion dollars to act while just standing around! I played Miss Jewel Valentine in "One Night at McCool's" while on a horse, I played Miss Faye Dolan in "That Thing You Do" on a horse, and I played Miss Grace Stamper in "Armageddon" riding a Clydesdale on a rickety offshore oil rig so if you want this scene played out with Arwen off her horse, well... you better just get yourself a goddamn stunt woman. (gallops off in a huff) I played Miss Lucy Harmon in "Stealing Beauty" on a bloody Shetland pony and I am set to play Miss Betty Ross while riding the incredible hulk, so don't...
Hstaphath: Great. Great everyone. Lunch now. Lunch. It's all in the can. Good morning's work.
Frey: But you haven't done a shot.
Hstaphath: Just keeping morale up. (tries to take a drink from his view finder)

(later that evening)

Frey: Now this evening we're going to shoot the scene where Strider grabs a torch and sword to fight off the Nazgul when he sees a tiger and he fights it and kills it and the blood goes "pssssssssshhh" in slow motion.
Guv Ronjar: But there aren't any tigers in Eriador.
Frey: What?
Guv Ronjar: There aren't any tigers in Eriador.
Frey: You're right. There are no tigers in Eriador. That's ridiculous... whoever heard of a tiger in Eriador. Right. Lose the tiger.
Hstaphath: Got to keep the tiger. It's great!
Frey: Lose the tiger.
Hstaphath: Great. We're losing the tiger. Rewrite. Lose the tiger everyone. That's fantastic... I'll use it at the battle of Helm's Deep.
Strider: What's this about losing the tiger?
Frey: Well, Mr. Mortensen, we thought perhaps we might lose the fight with the tiger a little bit.
Strider: (loudly) Why?
Frey: Well, Viggo, there are apparently no tigers in Eriador.
Strider: (shouting) I get to fight the tiger!
Frey: It would be silly.
Strider: Listen, I gotta fight the tiger. That's what this guy Aragorn is all about. I know. I've studied him already.
Frey: But this is a woodland setting... why couldn't you fight a rabbit?
Hstaphath: Great! (falls over)
Strider: Fight a rotten bunny?!
Frey: It needn't be a little rabbit. It can be the most foul, bad tempered bunny you've ever seen. A berserker crazed bloodthirsty rabbit that can leap twenty feet high with sharp cruel teeth that rips flesh and bone... yeah, yeah... and when it chews someone's head off the blood can go spurting "psssssshhhh" in slow motion.
Strider: The tiger is in the contract.
(pause)
Frey: He fights the tiger.
Hstaphath: Even better. Great. Have a drink. Lose the rabbit. Stand by to shoot. (falls over)
Frey: Where do they have tigers?
Guv Ronjar: Rhun, I think.
Frey: That's it. The fellowship travels through Rhun.  We can have as many tigers as we need, then.
Hstaphath: Great! (falls over and fails to get back up this time)
Frey: They are taking a route to Mordor that no one else would ever suspect. That ties in with the sand as well. Right. (shouting) Paint the beach yellow again!
(Hstaphath starts twitching violently while laying face down in the green sand)
Frey: Okay, let's get this show on the road. Monty Python: The King's Return of the Fellowship of the Hobbit's Ring to the Two Towers of Rhun!

[Hstaphath_XC]

Monty Python: Lord of the Rings - Bonus Features

The Two Towers: Narrative Interlude

Calling Sauron Redux (Blooper Reel)

Narrator: It is night once more in Barad-dur. The flaming eye of Sauron rests uneasy atop his black tower. The lack of any word from Saruman troubles him and his dread Nazgul Who Say "Ni" have yet to report back on what has gone amiss. Disrupting these troubling thoughts, he hears a call coming in on his Palantir.



Sauron: Hello?
Deep Voice: Hi, I'm calling for Mr. Wiener. First name is Drew with a middle initial of P.
Sauron: Uh, Drew P. Wiener?
Deep Voice: Yes, is he there?
Sauron: (sighing) Hold on...
(Sauron's voice blares out once more throughout the land of Mordor)
Sauron: Hey, attention everyone, do I have a Drew P. Wiener out here?!
Orcs: Haw haw heh! Oh, haw haw haw haw!
Sauron: Oh, will somebody please frickin' check to see if I have a Drew P. Wiener or not!
Deep Voice: Maybe you should get yourself a real girlfriend rather than surfing the Palantir so much! Ha haaa ha ha!
Sauron: What?!? It's you again isn't it, you little runt?! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes and stick 'em down your pants, so you can watch my trolls kick the crap outta you, okay?! Then I'm going to use your head for a bucket, your tongue for a brush, and your brains to paint my--
[click]
Pippin: Ha ha! Oh yes--
Frey: No, no, no.
Hstaphath: Cut!  What do you mean, It's great!
Frey: Seriously now... "Droopy Wiener" and "surfing the Palantir?"
Merry: We came up with that ourselves!
Hstaphath: Oh, it's no problem. Have a drink. We'll sort it out on the floor.
Frey: Well, I'm sorry but it just isn't working for me.
Pippin: You don't have to be an ass about it.
Frey: I'm not being an ass about it, you two are!
Merry: At least we are little asses about it compared to you being a big ass about it!
Pippin: Yeah, a huge ass-- wait a tick... HUGH JASS!!!
Merry: Oh, that's brilliant!
Hstaphath: Right-- places everyone.
Frey: Doesn't sound like much of an improvement.
Hstaphath: Take 23... and... action!



[clack]

[kadh2000]

It is certainly clear why these scenes were not included in the flim.

[Father Ted]

I remember reading a few years ago that back in the 60's, the Beatles wanted to make their own LOTR movie. I'm not sure who would play which hobbit, but they were definitely casting themselves in those roles. Again, no idea who would have played Gandalf, Aragorn, etc., but Gollum was the perfect spot for Yoko. 

[Hstaphath_XC]

I am almost done with the next bonus scene now, one for MP:RotK, and just want to make sure I'm not trying to "milk a dead cow" here.

A Beatles version of LotR... WOW... the song parodies... the endless number of song parodies now going through my head...   

[kadh2000]

Hsta, oh no.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm loving it.  You do a good job of both making the outtakes funny and less apt than what was in the story at the same time. 

Besides I want to know all of these things:

The awful fate that befell the "Burn the Witch!" skit as Hstaphath attempted to work it in to each of the 4 movies!  The song parodies that ended up on the cutting room floor! The story within a story regarding Kadh and La'ra ending up at the battle of 5 armies!  How Guv Ronjar "never wanted to be a commentator anyway!" 


Now, LotR by the Beatles... That strikes me as a fun idea. 

Gorgoroth Fields forever...
Bag End Lane...
Captain Faramir's Lonely Hearts Club Band...
Let it be...

Can't you just see all the Nazgul chasing after the hobbit with the ring screaming "Ringo!!"  (I mean, come on, with a name like that, how couldn't he be a hobbit?)

[Commander La'ra]

The story within a story regarding Kadh and La'ra ending up at the battle

I would sorta like to hear that one too.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Hsta, oh no.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm loving it.  You do a good job of both making the outtakes funny and less apt than what was in the story at the same time.

Thanks!!!  I should have the next two deleted scenes up today.  I managed to get a tremendous amount of writing done over the weekend (nearly 9 complete scenes worth!) and just need to get them typed in.

This looks like it will be 16 scenes long with 4 scenes from each of the 4 parodies.  Since I have enough ideas already for an additional scene or two from each of the parodies beyond that, it may end up even longer.

Now, LotR by the Beatles... That strikes me as a fun idea.

Hehe... this one would have worked in MP:FotR Scene 7a:

He stabbed you, yeah, yeah, yeah!
He stabbed you, yeah, yeah, yeah!
And with a Morgul blade,
You know that's gotta be bad!

I better stop there.   

The story within a story regarding Kadh and La'ra ending up at the battle

I would sorta like to hear that one too.

I currently have that planned as bonus scene #8, so you shouldn't have to wait long.  The Guv and Kieran return for scene 4 (possibly one of the funniest things I've ever written) and you have a cameo at the end of it.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Return of the King: Scene 9

The Tower of Cirith Ungol (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Arriving at the scene of Sam's encounter with Shelob, Gorbag and his group of patrolling orcs find a prize worthy of Sauron's attention. Elvish almost, but undersized it looks. A midget? No... a halfling? Yes-- a hobbit! The orcs quickly take their discovery to the Tower of Cirith Ungol, commanded by Shagrat, for safekeeping. Samwise Gamgee manages to follow close behind while avoiding notice.

Orcs: A halfling! A halfling! A halfling! A halfling! We've found a halfling! A halfling! A halfling! A halfling! A halfling! We've got us a halfling! A halfling! A halfling! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! We've found a halfling! We've found us a halfling! A halfling! A halfling! A halfling!
Gorbag: We found us a halfling. Can we eats him?
Orcs: Eat him! Eat! Eat him! Eat him!
Shagrat: How do ya know e's a halfling?
Gorbag: He looks like one.
Orcs: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Shagrat: Bring him here.
Frodo: I'm not a halfling. I'm not a halfling.
Shagrat: You sure do look like one.
Frodo: They dressed me up like this.
Orcs: Augh-- we didn't! We didn't...
Frodo: And this isn't my hair on my feet, they glued it on.
Frey: Cut!
Hstaphath: What do you mean, It's fantastic!
Frey: Hsta... I know how badly you want to do the "Burn the Witch" scene, but this just isn't flowing.
Hstaphath: We've got to keep the scene. It's great! It's only one of the most popular Monty Python scenes ever. We've just got to keep it. I'll rewrite it and sort it out. No problem. Have a drink. Yes, have a drink and we can sort it out on the floor. Marvelous. Marvelous.
Frey: Lose the scene.
Hstaphath: Great. We're losing the scene. Rewrite. Great everyone. Lunch now. Lunch.
Frey: Don't fret about this, Hsta. It looks like we will make enough scratch to get a shot at going back and doing the Hobbit prelude movie after all this so you will get another chance to use the "Burn the Witch" scene.
Hstaphath: Great. Perfect. Terrific. Just terrific. (falls over)
[THUD]

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 9

Rings of Power (Deleted Scene)

Kieran Forester:  The dwarves have gathered to plan the next phase of the quest now that they are finally in the secret tunnel and have Smaug at the other end to contend directly with.

Dwalin: Here we are at last inside our long lost home of Erebor! Our burglar will head down the tunnel from here, using stealth of course, and make his way to the treasure horde. If possible, he will grab what he can and bring it back to us. Thorin, our glorious leader, founder of the D.F.E. and true King under the mountain, will be coordinating the operation from here with the rest of us dwarves acting as his royal bodyguard and taking no part in any burgling activities since we all have bad backs.
Bilbo: Aren't any of you coming with me?
Thorin: Solidarity, Bilbo.
Bilbo: Oh, yes. Solidarity, Thorin.
Dwalin: Once you find the treasure, timing will be of the essence.  There is no telling how long Smaug will stay asleep so you must move fast and quiet. Heading down from here, you enter the Thrain the first memorial secret tunnel which should proceed directly to the great hall. Without a doubt, that is where the dragon has piled up anything of value so you--
[chink chink chink]
[thunk thunk chink chink chink chink chink]
[thump thump thump thump]
(another group of dwarves suddenly and unexpectantly walk up to Thorin and company in the secret tunnel)
CFE Dwarves: Shhh!  Shh.  Shhh.  Shh.
Deadly Dirfur: Campaign for Free Erebor!
Thorin: Oh. Uh, Dwarven Front of Erebor... and I am Thorin Oakenshield son of Thrain son of Thror the King.
Deadly Dirfur: Oh.
Dwalin: What's your group doing here?
Deadly Dirfur: We're going to kill the dragon, take the treasure, restore the kingdom.
Nori: So are we.
Deadly Dirfur: What?
Thorin: That's our plan!
Deadly Dirfur: We were here first!
Loretta: What do you mean?!
Deadly Dirfur: We thought of it first!
Ori: Oh, yeah?
Deadly Dirfur: Yes. Many, many years ago!
DFE Dwarves: Ha. Heh. Ha-ha.
Deadly Dirfur: We did!
Thorin: Okay, c-- co-- come on... how did you even get in the mountain?
Deadly Dirfur: My father's father was Diforin the royal chamberlain--
Gloin: You mean Diforin the head janitor?!
Deadly Dirfur: Uh, chamberlain... and he passed down his key to the secret door in the secondary 3rd level cleaning supplies closet.
DFE Dwarves: Heh-heh. Ha. Ha!
Thorin: (snickering) Okay. You lot got a plan for killing ol' Smaug all worked out, then?
Deadly Dirfur: Of course we have.
Thorin: How do you think you are going to do it?
Deadly Dirfur: Well, I'm not telling you.
Dwalin: Oh, come on. Pull the other one.
Deadly Dirfur: It's beside the point! We got here before you!
Fili: Did not.
Deadly Dirfur: We did!
Thorin: You didn't.
CFE Dwarves: We bloody did!
Bilbo: Shhhh! The dragon will hear us!
DFE Dwarves: You totally did not!
Deadly Dirfur: You bastards!  We've been planning this for decades.
Thorin: Well... tough titty for you, broom pusher. Oh! Oh.
(the dwarves begin pushing and fighting each other)
Bilbo: Dwarves! Dwarves! You should be struggling together!
Dwalin: We are! Ohh.
Bilbo: No, I mean you must not fight each other! Surely you should be united against the common enemy!
(the fighting comes to an immediate halt)
Dwarves: The Ereborian Dwarven Front?!
Bilbo: No, no! The dragon!
Dwarves: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes.
Thorin: Yes. Our burglar is quite right.
Kieran Forester: Unfortunately for the dwarves, all this arguing had indeed awoken Smaug who chose this moment to breathe a heavy stream of fire up the small tunnel that all the annoying noise was coming from.
CFE Dwarves: Look out!
DFE Dwarves: Careful!
Deadly Dirfur: Run away!!!
(cut to Guv Ronjar who is talking to someone off camera)
Guv Ronjar: ...so then I said to La'ra that I don't care how young the two elven girls at the pub looked since I already knew they were old enough to be our gorram great-great-grandmothers and he was already all over the one named Serailian and not even hearing a bloody word I was saying so--
Kieran Forester: Guv!!! You missed your cue!
Guv Ronjar: Oh, sod it all! You know, I never wanted to be a commentator in this parody anyway. I wanted to be... a lumberjack!
(a visonary glow suffuses the Guv's face as the camera shot pans out)
Guv Ronjar:  Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of Middle-earth! The Elm! The Larch! The Mallorn! The mighty Forlindon Pine!
(Ronjar tears off his jacket to reveal a tartan shirt and lumberjack trousers underneath while the singing of a choir begins to rise up in the background)
Guv Ronjar:  The plucky Yew of Mirkwood! The great limping rude tree of Fangorn!
(Ronjar turns around and is decked out in full lumberjack regalia in the midst of a mighty forest of Eriador)
Guv Ronjar:  The smell of fresh-cut timber! The crash of mighty trees!
(Ronjar takes the hand of a buxom blonde hobbit lass, the heroine of many a mountaineering film and the singer of this feature's opening song, who clings to his side and looks adoringly up at him)
Guv Ronjar:  With Estella by my side. We'd sing! Sing!
(a small group of rangers of the north, Dunedain, emerge from the trees and gather behind Ronjar)
Guv Ronjar:  Oh, I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay!
I sleep all night and I work all day.
Rangers: He's a lumberjack and he's okay!
He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Guv Ronjar:  I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays I prank call Sauron with a random Palantiri.
Rangers: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesdays he prank calls Sauron from a random Palantiri.
He's a lumberjack and he's okay.
He sleeps all night and he works all day!
Guv Ronjar:  I cut down trees, I like piña coladas and walking in rain falls.
I put on women's clothing and hang around beer halls! 
Rangers: He cuts down trees, he likes piña coladas and walking in rain falls.
He puts on women's clothing and hangs around beer halls?!
(a brief confused pause)
Rangers: He's a lumberjack, and he's okay!
He sleeps all night and he works all day!
Guv Ronjar:  I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra!
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my cousin La'ra!
Rangers: He cuts down trees, he wears... high heels? Suspenders... and a bra?!
Wants to be a girlie?! Poofter! Bloody poofter!
(Ronjar assumes a majestic pose but it is of little use)
Estella: Oh, Guv! And I thought you were so rugged!
(she runs off as the rangers shake their heads)
Guv Ronjar: Steady lads... let's have the big finish!
Rangers: He's a lumberjack and he's okay!
He sleeps all night and he works all day!
He's a lumberjack and he's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...
Sleeps all night and he works all day!
(La'ra, dressed in full battle gear for scene 13, walks up to Ronjar and hits him with a rubber chicken)
[WHACK]
(cut back to Kieran as an arrow with a note attached to it suddenly strikes the middle of his desk)
Kieran Forester:  This letter just in.
(Kieran removes the rolled piece of parchment from the arrow)
Kieran Forester:  Dear Sir, I wish to complain on the strongest possible terms in regards to the previous scene of this parody in reference to the lumberjack who wears womens' clothes. Some of my best friends are lumberjacks and only a few of them are transvestites. Yours faithfully, Saruman the White.
(pause)
Kieran Forester:  P.S.: I have never had sexual relations with any blasted cows.

[Commander La'ra]

 

[kadh2000]

Cut, cut.  Stop it right now.  That was too silly.

I always knew there was something funny about the Guv.  And La'ra.  I mean, all that time around Leral.


Of course if an ent had come up and squashed the Guv mid-song.  Oh, many it's so funny it inspires.

[KOTH-KieranXC, Ret.]

Good to see you doing more of these scenes, Hsta. I love it.

And the whole thing has become even funnier to me now that I've finally seen Life of Brian.

[Hstaphath_XC]

         

Cut, cut.  Stop it right now.  That was too silly.

I will take that as high praise!

I always knew there was something funny about the Guv.  And La'ra.  I mean, all that time around Leral.

Hehe... Indeed.  I'm still waiting for the Guv's reaction to this scene.  Every time Ronjar teases La'ra about being the "Buffalo Wrestler", now La'ra can start singing the Lumberjack song back at him.

Guv Ronjar:  What irony!

Of course if an ent had come up and squashed the Guv mid-song.  Oh, many it's so funny it inspires.

Great. Perfect. Rewrite. Cue the ent. Marvelous. Just marvelous. (falls over)

Good to see you doing more of these scenes, Hsta. I love it.

Thanks, K-Fo!  It's good to be seen.  

And the whole thing has become even funnier to me now that I've finally seen Life of Brian.

LOL!  Well, yes... that does help a bit!!!

[Governor Ronjar]

Guv Ronjar:  I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra!


Yes, yes I do. And that's ok.

luv it!

--rog

[Hstaphath_XC]

Yes, yes I do. And that's ok.

And as long as you keep waving that disruptor rifle at me, I feel it is in my best interests to continue to agree with you!

 

More scenes are on the way, of course.  I've just been a little to sick and busy to get much done... including being sick of being busy!   

[Hstaphath_XC]

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 7

The Prancing Pony (Blooper Reel)

Narrator: Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry arrive in Bree and manage to make their way to the Inn of the Prancing Pony.
Sam: I don't like the looks of some of these fell--
Pippin: Food!
Merry: Beer!
Frodo: Right you are, my friends. We need food and drink, but we must be on our guard. Merry, Pippin! Make sure you stay here and don't mention my real name... or anything about my ring either.
Pippin: Stay here and mention your real name and the ring.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: No, no. Don't mention my real name or anything about the ring.
Pippin: Don't mention your real name or the ring, so don't stay here.
Frodo: No, no, no. You stay here and get some food and drink.
Pippin: And mention your real name and the ring.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Right-- I mean, wrong!
Pippin: Oh... the line was "don't mention your real name or the ring" that time, eh?
Hstaphath: Yes-- right. No problem, no problem... keep it rolling.  Let's take it again from the first hiccup!
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: No, no. Don't mention my real name or anything about the ring.
Pippin: Don't mention your real name or the ring, so don't stay here.
Frodo: No, no, no. You stay here and get some food and drink.
Pippin: And don't mention your real name or the ring.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Right.
Pippin: We don't need to do anything, apart from mentioning your real name.
Frodo: No, no. Mention my real name... I mean, don't mention my name-- bugger me silly!
Hstaphath: Cut!
Pippin: Hehe... what sadistic bastard wrote this scene?!
Hstaphath: Actually it was me-- ummm... (cough) stay focused now!  Let's go again from the previous hiccup... and-- action!

Guv Ronjar: Monty Python's Fellowship of the Ring, Scene 7, Take 23.
[clack]
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Right.
Pippin: We don't need to do anything, apart from mentioning your real name.
Frodo: No, no. Don't mention my real name.
Pippin: Or about the ring, yes.
Frodo: All right?
Pippin: Right. Oh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if, uh, if-if-if we...
Frodo: Yes, what is it?
Pippin: Oh, if-if, oh--
Frodo: (laughing) You've completely forgotten your line now, haven't you?!
Pippin: (laughing) Completely... gone... no clue whatsoever at this point!
Hstaphath: No, no!  It's great!  Perfect, perfect... rewrite!  Cut!  We are leaving that in... everyone take a 15 minute break while we reset the scene!
Merry: Hic!

(cut to the inside of a studio trailer)

Pippin: ...and mine is thinner than yours.
Merry: Yeah, but yours is longer--

Frey: (opening the door) Time to report back to the-- what's all this?!
Pippin and Merry: [zip] Nothin'!
Merry: We were just going over scene 7--
Pippin: The Prancing Pony scene!
(Pippin throws a lifesize "Arwen the Elven Warrior Princess" doll behind his bed and covers it with a blanket)
Merry: Yeah-- and it's terribly confusing.
Pippin: Oh, yes... horribly confusing!
Frey: (backing slowly out of the room) Okay... just get back to the set as soon as you can, lads.
Hstaphath: Now I wish I hadn't brought the camera with us!
Frey: Wha-- CUT!!!

(cut back to the Prancing Pony set)


Guv Ronjar: Monty Python's Fellowship of the Ring, Scene 7, Take 78... may the bloody Valar help us!
[clack]
Frodo: Look, it's quite simple.
Pippin: Uh...
Frodo: You just stay here and don't mention my real name or anything about the ring. All right?
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: Right.
Pippin: Oh, I remember. Uh, can we leave the room if we take Sam with us?
Frodo: N-- No, no, no. You just stay in here, and make sure--
Pippin: Oh, yes, we'll stay in here, obviously. But if we had to leave and we took Sam with us--
Frodo: No, no, just stay in here--
Pippin: Get some food, drink, and mention your name--
Frodo: No, don't mention my real name--
Pippin: Don't mention your name.
Merry: Hic!
Frodo: ... or the ring.
Pippin: Or the bling.
Frodo: Right-- did you just say bling?
Hstaphath: Cut!
Pippin: Bloody hell... I thought I had it that time!  Honestly!
Frey: What else can go wrong?!

(cut to the Ford of Bruinen)

Head Nazgul: Ni!  Give up the Halfling, she-elf.
Arwen: If you want him, come and claim him!
(the Nazgul Who Say "Ni" spur their horses into the water to cross the Ford)
Arwen: (yelling in Elvish) Non o Chithaeglir, lasto Beth daer-- Rimmo nin Briunen Dan in Ulaer!
(a vast torrent of water floods down the river and sweeps away the Nazgul in the deluge)
Frodo: (losing consciousness) Neee-wom...
Arwen: No, no... Frodo, don't give in... not now!
(Arwen moves to sheath Hadhafang, her famed sword)
[sha-thunk]

Arwen: Aaiiiiieeeeeeeee!!!
Frodo: MEDIC!
Hstaphath: Cut!  Get the Doc... again!  Quickly!!!
Frey: Bloody hell-- literally!  That's the third time she has stabbed herself, now.
Hstaphath: Keep pressure on it!
Arwen: Oh, don't let me get blood on my horse!
Frey: Hsta, perhaps a narrative interlude for all this is in order?
Hstaphath: Brilliant, brilliant.  Rewrite!  Let's take 30 minutes and set up for scene 9, everyone!  Brillant-- oh, now that's going to leave a scar...

(cut to the far edge of the Dimrill Dale)

Gimli: I'm telling you, we are taking the long way round.  We should go through Khazad-dum!
Gandalf: No, Gimli.  I would not take the road through the mines of Moria unless I had no other choice.
(Legolas stops everyone at the distant sight of a dark patch in the sky which darts about like a bit of smoke in the wind)
Sam: What is that?
Gimli: Nothing... just a wisp of a cloud.
Boromir: It's moving fast-- against the wind!
Legolas: A rotospycopter from Khand!
Aragorn: Run away!
Boromir: (pulling Gimli along) Take cover!

[whop whop whop whop whop whop whop]
Frey: What in the name of-- CUT!!!
Hstaphath: Ummm... what's the trouble, Frey?
Frey: There are no helicopters in Middle-earth! NONE!!!
Hstaphath: Well, I know we agreed on a flock of crebain originally, but the local ones are migratory and this is the wrong season and all... so I thought maybe we could--
Frey: No!
Hstaphath: But--
Frey: Absolutely not!
Hstaphath: (sighing) Alright, then.  Annie!  Get Matt on the phone about that crate of swallows he offered me.
Annie: The European or the African ones?
Hstaphath: African-- no coconuts this time!  And we'll need paint.
Annie: Right, boss!
Hstaphath: Wonderful.  Rewrite-- back to version 14 of this scene!  Bloody wonderful.  Let's break for lunch and then try it again, people.  Great, just great.
[thud]

(cut to Mazarbul, the hall of records of Moria)

Gandalf: Fool of a Took! Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!
(a low rolling boom rises from the depths below... growing louder)
[boom]
[boom boom boom]
[BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM]
Sam: Mr. Frodo!
(Frodo draws the sword Sting out of his scabbard... and stares at it's glowing blue blade)
Legolas: Orcs!
Aragorn: (to the hobbits) Get back while we seal the door!
(Aragorn, Legolas, Boromir, and Gandalf run to close and wedge the doors)
Boromir: The orcs have a cave troll!
Gimli: Let them come! There is one Dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath!
[knock knock]
(pause)
[knock knock knock]
Aragorn: What the--
(the muffled voice of Gandalf can be heard from the other side of the door)
Legolas: Oh, bugger...
(everyone breaks out in laughter)
Hstaphath: Cut, cut!  Get the door open!
(the rusty dwarven axes and bits of broken wood used to block the door are removed and Gandalf walks back in)

Gandalf: You mean bastards!
(everyone continues to laugh)
Pippen: (laughing) Well now... at least we know we won't have a problem killing 'em off in scene 11, eh?!
Gandalf: Ah, Peregrin Took.  I have something in my hand that I made just for you.
Pippen: (excited) Oh, what is it?
Gandalf: It's a fist.
Pippen: Hunh?
Gandalf: It's for hitting people with.
[thunk]
Pippen: Owww!
Gandalf: And the best thing is... you can use it again--
[thunk]
Pippen: Owww!
Gandalf: And again!
[THUNK]
Pippen: OWWWWW!!!

(cut back to the Prancing Pony)


Guv Ronjar: (sobbing) Monty Python's Fellowship of the Ring, Scene 7, Take 214... please would someone... anyone... just kill me NOW?!
Hstaphath: (turning to look at Frey) "What else could go wrong", eh?  You just had to ask, didn't you?!
Frey: Sorry...
[clack]

[kadh2000]

And no singing!

That was really good.  Really good.

[Hstaphath_XC]

And no singing!

Hehe... more singing is on the way though, of course.  The next musical number is courtesy of Sauron!

That was really good.  Really good.

THANKS Kadh!  For whatever reason, that scene took me an incredibly long time to write and rewrite (and rewrite... and rewrite...).

In fact, just to show that I can indeed be bribed by a kind word of praise, I will go ahead and post the next scene.   

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Two Towers: Scene 13

Faramir's Hideout (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Having captured Frodo and Sam, Faramir and the Rangers of Ithilien have taken the hobbits to their most secret of secret refuges... the waterfall of Henneth Annun.

Ithilien Monks: (chanting) Pie Denethuri domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Ithilien Monks: Pie Denethuri domine...
[bonk]
Ithilien Monks: ...dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Ithilien Monks: Pie Denethuri domine...
[bonk]
Ithilien Monks: ...dona eis requiem.
Rangers: A spy! A spy!
[bonk]
Rangers: A spy! A spy!
Ithilien Monks: (chanting) Pie Denethuri domine...
Rangers: A spy! A spy! A spy! A spy! We've found a spy! A spy! A spy! A spy! A spy! We've got a spy! A spy! A spy! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! We've found a spy! We've found a spy! A spy! A spy! A spy!
Mablung: We have found a spy... surely a servant of Mordor. May we burn him?
Rangers: Burn him! Burn! Burn him! Burn him!
Faramir: How do you know he is a spy?
Cuwerd: He looks like one.
Rangers: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Faramir: Bring him forward.
Frodo: I'm not a spy. I'm not a servant of Mordor!
Faramir: Ummm... you are dressed as one.
Frodo: They dressed me up like this.
Rangers: Augh-- we didn't! We didn't...
Frodo: And this isn't my nose. It's a false one.
Faramir: Well?
Mablung: Well, we did do the nose.
Faramir: The nose?
Mablung: And the orc helmet... but he is a spy!
Cuwerd: Yeah!
Rangers: We burn him! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
Faramir: Did you dress him up like this?
Mablung: No!
Damrod: No. No.
Cuwerd: No.
Mablung: No.
Damrod: No.
Mablung: Yes.
Cuwerd: Yes.
Mablung: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
Damrod: A bit.
Cuwerd: A bit.
Damrod: A bit.
Mablung: He is very filthy.
[cough]
Faramir: What makes you think he is a spy?
Damrod: Well, he stabbed me in the head with a Morgul blade!
Faramir: A Morgul blade?
Damrod: I got better.
Cuwerd: Burn him anyway!
Mablung: Burn!
Rangers: Burn him! Burn! Burn him!...
Faramir: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether he is a spy.
Mablung: Are there?
Cuwerd: Ah?
Mablung: What are they?
Rangers: Tell us! Tell us!...
Faramir: Tell me. What do you do with spies?
Cuwerd: Burn!
Mablung: Burn!
Rangers: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...
Faramir: And what do you burn apart from spies?
Mablung: More spies!
Damrod: Shh!
Cuwerd: Wood!
Faramir: So, why do spies burn?
(long pause)
Damrod: Be-- 'cause they're made of... wood?
Faramir: Good! Heh heh.
Rangers: Oh, yeah. Oh.
Faramir: So, how do we tell whether he is made of wood?
Mablung: Build a bridge out of him.
Faramir: Ahhh... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
Mablung: Oh, yeah.
Damrod: Oh, yeah. True. Uhh... plus we don't want to help the orcs get across the river anyway.
Cuwerd: Right.
Faramir: Does wood sink in water?
Mablung: No. No.
Cuwerd: No, it floats! It floats!
Mablung: Throw him over the waterfall!
Rangers: The waterfall! Throw him over the waterfall!
Faramir: What also floats in water?
Mablung: Cram!
Cuwerd: Apples!
Damrod: Uh, very small rocks!
Mablung: Grease!
Cuwerd: Uh, stew-- stewards!
Mablung: Wizards!
Cuwerd: Orcs!
Damrod: Uh, rabbits! Rabbits!
Cuwerd: Armor! Armor!
Sam: A duck!
Rangers: Oooh.
Faramir: Exactly. So, logically...
Mablung: If... he... weighs... the same as a duck... he's made of wood.
Faramir: And therefore?
Cuwerd: A spy!
Mablung: A spy!
Rangers: A spy! A spy!...
Damrod: Here is a duck. Use this duck.
[quack quack quack]
Faramir: Very good. We shall use my largest scales.
Rangers: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the spy! Burn the spy! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Ahh! Ahh...
Faramir: Right. Remove the supports!
[whop]
[clunk]
[creak creak creak]
Rangers: A spy! A spy! A spy!
Frodo: Stupid ring... it's a fair cop.
Damrod: Burn him!
Rangers: Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn! Burn!...
Faramir: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
Sam: I am Samwise Gamgee of the Shire.
Faramir: The what?
Frey: Cut!
Hstaphath: Not again, this is great!
Frey: Sorry, Hsta... this is just to much of a stretch again.
Hstaphath: Compared to some of the other scenes we've done?!
Frey: Point taken, but I know how badly you need for the "Burn the Witch" scene to be perfect and I just don't think we are there yet.
Hstaphath: We've got to keep this scene. It's fantastic! Fantastic! Besides, our only back-up idea for this is the "great speeches of Winston Churchill" bit that no one will find funny! We've just got to keep it. So, have a drink... have a drink and we can tweak it. I'll rewrite this and sort it out. No problem. Really, no problem!
Frey: (sighing) Lose the scene.
Hstaphath: Terrific. We're losing the scene. Rewrite. Just terrific.
Frey: No worries, my friend... we still have Return of the King and maybe even the Hobbit to do so you still have plenty of chances to use the "Burn the Witch" scene.
Hstaphath: Yes. Great. Terrific. That's just... just great. (falls over)
[THUD]

[Andromeda]

Oddly, that wouldn't have worked.  Hmm, I suppose you can have Gorbag and Shagrat argue about what to do with Frodo when they do find him... since he is a spy.  Or Denethor and someone arguing over whether Pippin is a spy in his court.  Then you can have Faramir burst in with the duck line (extreme irony for this scene, eh?). 

As always, a delight.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Oddly, that wouldn't have worked.

 

Hmm, I suppose you can have Gorbag and Shagrat argue about what to do with Frodo when they do find him... since he is a spy.

Ummm... Rommie... that's pretty much exactly what I did to show how I failed to use the scene in Return of the King (and it is already posted above).   

Or Denethor and someone arguing over whether Pippin is a spy in his court.  Then you can have Faramir burst in with the duck line (extreme irony for this scene, eh?).

Indeed, I can picture that perfectly!

As always, a delight.

Thank you very sincerely, dear lady!  It is, as always, an honor to delight.

I will go ahead and post the next scene.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Return of the King: Scene 9a

It's Christmas in Mordor (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: As Sauron's army broke through the Rammas and surged across the Pelennor Fields towards Minas Tirith, all hope for Gondor seemed lost.  Sauron watched from his dark tower of Barad-dur as victory over his hated enemy at last came within reach.

Orcs: (grumbling and fighting)
[music]
Orcs: Shhh.  Shhhh!  Shhh...
Sauron: (his voice booming out to be heard throughout Mordor) Good evening, minions and slaves!  It's truly a very surreal experience to be here this evening as a big flaming disembodied eye.  A very wonderful... and warm... and emotional moment for all of us, I'm sure... and I'd now like to sing a song for all... of you!
[applause]
Sauron: (singing)
It's Christmas in Mordor,
We are the new elite.
It's Christmas in Mordor,
Hark, hear those battle drums beat!
It's Christmas in Mordor,
Volcanic clouds fill the sky.
My massive army is on the move,
And everyone in Gondor will die!
It's Christmas in Mordor,
There's no hope for my enemy.
We'll smash their walls, kick their balls,
And kill them as they flee!
Haradrim: (singing)
There's spoils for all the allies,
There's second-hand armor and blades!
Nazgul: (singing)
There's lands to rule with a hand that's cruel,
And leather clad elven barmaids!
Orcs: [singing]
It's Christmas!  It's Christmas in Mordor!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
From now on every day,
Is Christmas day!
It's Christmas!  It's Christmas in Mordor!
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray!
Every single new day,
Is Chri--
(the music comes to a sudden stop as the battle horns of Rohan can be clearly heard in the distance)
Sauron: Uh-oh...
Frey: Cut!
Hstaphath: Wha-- what's wrong?
Frey: Christmas?  In Middle-earth?!
Hstaphath: Oh, yes... it's fantastic!  Tolkien mentions Christmas trees in the Hobbit so let's just sort of roll with it, eh?  Really, it's brilliant!  Think of the holiday season merchandizing tie-ins alone.  Brilliant!
Frey: Hsta, I must tell you something... and please understand that I am telling you this as a true and honest friend.
Hstaphath: Yes?
[SMACK]
[THUD]
[SLAM]
[CRASH]

[Andromeda]

Wow!  I completely missed the scenes 9 from RotK and the Hobbit.  Good thing you pointed that out.  I found them both really funny.  It's IMO even funnier becuase I missed the scene.  Do I get a deleted scene, and not just for not popping out of my top with every jiggle?

Did you have a tune for the Christmas in Mordor song?  Christmas in Kilarney kept popping into my head.  Now I have to read the blasted Hobbit again to see if there were any Christmas trees in it.  Maybe my youngest niece would be willing to have me read it to her...  A good excuse to visit home.   

[Hstaphath_XC]

Wow!  I completely missed the scenes 9 from RotK and the Hobbit.  Good thing you pointed that out.  I found them both really funny.  It's IMO even funnier becuase I missed the scene.

All of the "Burn the Witch" scenes will tie in together for the conclusion on how I failed to use it in the Hobbit.  I intentionally went in the order Rotk, TTT, FotR, Hobbit for this unfortunate series of events.   

Do I get a deleted scene, and not just for not popping out of my top with every jiggle?

I don't have one currently planned, do you have something in mind?

The next bonus scene, for those keeping track, is #8... which means it is finally time to hear the behind the scenes tale of how Kadh and La'ra ended up at the battle of 5 armies.   

Did you have a tune for the Christmas in Mordor song?  Christmas in Kilarney kept popping into my head.

It's to the tune of "Christmas in Heaven" from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life.

Now I have to read the blasted Hobbit again to see if there were any Christmas trees in it.  Maybe my youngest niece would be willing to have me read it to her...  A good excuse to visit home.   

It is near the very end of the book when it mentions Gandalf and Bilbo staying with Beorn over Yule-tide on their way back to the Shire.

[Commander La'ra]

The next bonus scene, for those keeping track, is #8... which means it is finally time to hear the behind the scenes tale of how Kadh and La'ra ended up at the battle of 5 armies.   

 

[Andromeda]

No, honestly I didn't have one in mind.  Perhaps something where Bard goes off on a silly bit with some other guy and they end up going to his castle and Rommie gets to lament.  Or not.  Exploding Penguins are always good for a laugh.  So, no I didn't have anything in mind.

[Hstaphath_XC]

I know this was a horrible spot in the parody for it to go on hiatus, but I fully intend to get back to work on it soon!

[Commander La'ra]

.......................

*sharpens axe*

[Hstaphath_XC]

As is sometimes the way of things, it has been so long since I started to write Scene 8 that I have just about completely changed the concept I was going with.  As good as my original idea was, this is better.  MUCH better... and even more in character for La'ra and Kadh.   

The writing is freely flowing once more and I should have this scene up before Halloween-- (nervously looks over at La'ra who has been continually sharpening his axe all this time) errr... by next week!   

Edit:  I think I will have this ready to post tomorrow (10/07/09)!   

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 7a

Getting There is Half the Fun (Deleted Scene)

Kieran Forester:  Having rescued his blood brother Kadh Qohelethson from the dungeons of the wood elves, La'ra leads Kadh east toward where their two armies have gathered unseen near Lake-town.

Kadh:  So, what's the situation?
La'ra:  Lord Elrond has wagered 10,000 silver pennies that we won't be able to pull the wizard Gandalf's butt out of the fire again.
Kadh:  Very well, we accept. A man may fight for many things... his lands, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a child--
La'ra:  Personally I'd mud wrestle my own mother for a bag of coin, a full belly, and a night of carousing with leather-clad elven maidens!
Kadh:  Haha-- rightly so!  Where are we off to then?
La'ra:  Someplace called the lonely mountain.
Kadh:  The lonely mount-- Erebor?! You mean the moment has finally arrived for us to give that notorious worm Smaug a good warrior-style thrashing, six of the best, trousers down?!?!!
La'ra:  If you mean, "are we going to get killed?" then... yes.
Kadh:  It still sounds better than your idea of raiding Khand.
La'ra:  Ahh-- That's for the best since, as I must confess, I don't know the way to Khand anyway.
Kadh:  Well, I'm glad to finally be doing something even though I can't believe we have to walk all the way there!
La'ra:  I'm open to suggestions.
Kadh:  You could have bought us some horses.
La'ra:  Buy horses? With only nine coppers?! At this time of year and in the rain? A bare fortnight after a dreaded horse plague has struck the west-mark? With the blacksmith's strike in its fifteenth week and the Rohirrim horse fetishists fair tomorrow?!
Kadh:  (sighing) Alright, then... walk it is. Off to Erebor?
La'ra:  Off to Erebor!
[many days later]
Kadh:  So, you don't know the way to the lonely mountain either?
La'ra:  No... I must confess that as well.

(cut to another thick green forest)

Kadh:  You see, La'ra... after the fall of Sauron and in order to prevent further war in Middle-earth, two superpower alliances developed. With the elves, northern and western men such as us, and occasionally the dwarves on one side and the orcs, goblins, wargs, wolves, southern and eastern men, and the occasional troll or dragon on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies... each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war without catastrophic loss to both sides.
La'ra:  But we have sort of been in a continual state of a war anyway, haven't we?
Kadh:  Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
La'ra:  What was that?
Kadh:  It was all a pile of plaQta'.
La'ra:  (looking around) Are we in Fangorn?
Kadh:  No... but this certainly isn't Mirkwood either.
(suddenly a strange creature jumps out at them from behind a tree)
Jar Jar Binks:  Oh, ay-yee-mooie-mooie, mesa culled Jar Jar Binks!
Kadh and La'ra:  Aaarrrrggghhhhhh!!!
Jar Jar Binks:  Ex-queeze-me, but wha yousa doen?
[SLAM]
[HACK-CHOP-HACK]
Jar Jar Binks:  Mesa spleen!!!
[CLUNK]
[HACK-CHOP-HACK-HACK]
[SMASH]
Jar Jar Binks:  (dying) --ULK!
[THUD]
Kadh:  That is the most vile, disturbing, misshapen lizard/rabbit I've ever laid eyes on!
La'ra:  Vile looking or not, I bet it tastes like chicken.

(cut to an anime spaceship tumbling out of control)

Angela Oteri:  Lady Acasja, we are doomed!  Lord Acton has used the power of Aion to seize the starship!
Acasja Tilfe:  Princess Oteri, fire the Sword Infinite weapon-- it is our only hope!
Angela Oteri:  At last, the combined power of the Starship Seal Members have defeated my evil brother Iblis!
Kadh:  ...what kind of twisted manga-QI'yaH is this?!
La'ra:  We need to back away from this quickly!
Acasja Tilfe:  Yes, my princess-- and my love! Haha! We should take off all our clothes now!
Angela Oteri:  Oh-- where did these naughty tentacles come from?!
La'ra:  Or-- ummm...
Kadh:  Perhaps... perhaps we could stay a few minutes...

(cut to Thranduil's dungeons in the kingdom of the wood elves)

Kadh:  I can't believe I'm back in this jail cell.
La'ra:  Look, I--
Kadh:  I don't even want to hear it.
La'ra:  But I really am sorry!
Kadh:  Just what is it with you and Serailian Linnod'aduial anyway?!
La'ra:  I can't exactly put it into words...
Kadh:  She bangs like a privy door when the plague's in town?
La'ra:  Yes. That's it.
Kadh:  I haven't been this frustrated since my good friend Tormas, who I had promoted to high executioner of the clan, was killed.
La'ra:  Murdered, eh?
Kadh:  No-- oddly enough, no. They usually are, of course... but he just got careless one night and signed his name on the wrong dotted line. They came for him while he slept.
La'ra:  Ahhh...
Kadh:  Anyway, I believe I have a plan for getting us out of here again.  In a nearby chamber, there are several empty barrels near a lightly guarded water gate.
La'ra:  Empty barrels, you say?
Kadh:  Indeed I did. The midgets that escaped just before you sprung me out of here the last time seemed to have gotten away okay by that route.
La'ra:  Sounds good to me!
Kadh:  It isn't like you have much choice in the matter.
La'ra:  Do you-- ummm... do you suppose Serailian is still around?
(long pause)
Kadh:  You know... they say that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong... as you are about to find out when I hit you with this slop bucket.
[CRASH]
[THUD!]

[Commander La'ra]

....

....

*begins to speak*

You know...that's seems...ridiculously funny...especially the whole 'murdering Jar-Jar' part...and the manga...and...well, and I sort of wonder how it's going to read when I'm not half-stoned on cold medicine.

[Hstaphath_XC]

You know...that's seems...ridiculously funny...especially the whole 'murdering Jar-Jar' part...and the manga...and...well, and I sort of wonder how it's going to read when I'm not half-stoned on cold medicine.

Yeesh-- I am recovering from a nasty stomach flu myself so hang in there!

I just hope this scene was worth the absurdly long wait while I was attempting to get my life straightened out.

Regarding the manga part... I have a feeling I have a LOT to answer to Rommie for when she finds out what I did with her characters.   

Everyone will, of course, note that at no time was the possibility of stopping and asking for directions even mentioned.

[Andromeda]

If I wasn't too busy laughing and cleaning all the coke that came out of my nose off the keyboard,  I would come for your spleen.

[Hstaphath_XC]

If I wasn't too busy laughing and cleaning all the coke that came out of my nose off the keyboard,  I would come for your spleen.

Hehe... I might be willing to trade a spleen (notice I'm not exactly offering MY spleen) for the updated pic you promised us. 

[Hstaphath_XC]

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 6

Sell the Baggins! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: The village of Bree, chief village of the Bree-land. It is a day much like any other here in this quiet peaceful country except for--

Dunedain Monks: (chanting) Pie Aragornu domine, dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Dunedain Monks: Pie Aragornu domine...
[bonk]
Dunedain Monks: ...dona eis requiem.
[bonk]
Dunedain Monks: Pie Aragornu domine...
[bonk]
Dunedain Monks: ...dona eis requiem.
Breefolk: A Baggins! A Baggins!
[bonk]
Breefolk: A Baggins! A Baggins!
Dunedain Monks: (chanting) Pie Aragornu domine...
Breefolk: A Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! We've found a Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! We've got a Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! Sell him! Sell him! Sell him! We've found a Baggins! We've found a Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins! A Baggins!
Harry: We have found a Baggins. May we sell him to Sharkey?
Breefolk: Sell him! Sell! Sell him! Sell him!
Bill Ferny: How do you know he is a Baggins?
Thomas: He looks like one.
Breefolk: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Bill Ferny: Bring him forward.
Ferdibrand: I'm not a Baggins. I'm not a Baggins!
Bill Ferny: Ummm... you are dressed as one.
Ferdibrand: They dressed me up like this.
Breefolk: Augh-- we didn't! We didn't...
Ferdibrand: And this isn't my nametag. It's a forged one.
Bill Ferny: Well?
Harry: Well, we did do the nametag.
Bill Ferny: The nametag?
Harry: And the pocket handkerchiefs... but he is a Baggins!
Thomas: Yeah!
Breefolk: We sell him! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
Bill Ferny: Did you dress him up like this?
Harry: No!
Jarvin: No. No.
Thomas: No.
Harry: No.
Jarvin: No.
Harry: Yes.
Thomas: Yes.
Harry: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
Jarvin: A bit.
Thomas: A bit.
Jarvin: A bit.
Harry: He is from Hobbiton.
[cough]
Bill Ferny: What makes you think he is a Baggins?
Jarvin: Well, he ate all the seed cakes in my pantry!
Bill Ferny: Seed cakes?
Jarvin: I made more.
Thomas: Sell him anyway!
Harry: Sell--
Frey: Cut, cut, CUT!
Hstaphath: What's the problem, Frey?
Frey: This scene just isn't working. It feels a bit... ummm... a bit of a stretch, doesn't it?
Hstaphath: Well, yes... I suppose you're right.
Frey: Of course I am.  It's like you are trying to force a square peg through a round hole here.
Hstaphath: Okay.  No problem, no problem.  Rewrite.  Yes, no need to resort to that just yet!
Frey: Indeed not.
Hstaphath: Yes, yes... fine.  Besides, it is truly of paramount importance to me that the "Burn the Witch" scene be as perfect as possible.
Frey: Right-- it should be nothing less than one of the principle comedic highlights of this entire epic trilogy!
Hstaphath: Great, great.  I think I know just the very place to use this scene in The Two Towers!
Frey: Excellent, it's all settled then.
Hstaphath: Brilliant. We're losing the scene, everyone! Rewrite. Just brilliant.
Frey: Let's call it a day and get something to drink.
Hstaphath: Yes. A drink... a drink would be very good. Great. No worries!

[Andromeda]

1. Ian doesn't want me to do stuff related to my actual identity on the internet, so no new pic.  I can rotate ancient ones.

2. This highly tempts me to do the Monte Python version of the Chronicles of Uglúk.

[Hstaphath_XC]

2. This highly tempts me to do the Monte Python version of the Chronicles of Uglúk.

How about "The Very Secret Diary of Uglúk" ala Cassandra Claire?
http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/index.html

[Andromeda]

There are more of those than the last time I looked.  Was thinking more prose.

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Two Towers: Scene 7

Infiltrating the Shire (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: In a dimly lit room in a bridge-house somewhere within the Shire, four desperate looking sallow-faced and squint-eyed men are gathered around a bare table while a fifth keeps watch at a window.

Marik: All clear?
Garn: All clear, Marik.
Marik: (unrolling a huge map of the Shire across the table) Right... this is the plan then. At 10:45, Cobryn will collect me and Thordir in the wagon and take us around to the Southfarthing Pipeweed Market on Old Tobold Street. We will arrive outside the Southfarthing Pipeweed Market at 10:50 a of the m. I shall then get out of the wagon while, you Cobryn, bring it back here to Pincup Pike, right? At 10:51, I shall enter the Southfarthing Pipeweed Market, where you... Potros, disguised as a customer, will meet me and hand me a small coin purse containing 26 silver pennies and 3 coppers. At 10:52, I shall approach the counter and purchase a crate of pipeweed costing 26 silver pennies and 3 coppers. I shall then give the crate of pipeweed to you, Potros. You'll go straight to Frogmorton along the Great Road. You lads continue back up here at 10:56 and we'll rendezvous in the back room of the Green Dragon in time for lunch at 11:45. All right, any questions?
Rufus: We don't seem to be doing anything illegal.
Marik: What do you mean?
Rufus: Well, we're paying for the pipeweed.
Marik: Yes...
Rufus: Well... why are we paying for the pipeweed?
Marik: The hobbits wouldn't just give it to us if we didn't pay for it, would they... eh?
Rufus: Look-- I don't think I like this outfit.
Marik: Why not?
Rufus: Well, we never break the bloody law.
Marik: What do you mean?
Rufus: Like that tavern job last week.
Marik: What was wrong with that?
Rufus: Well... having to go in there in disguise and buy myself an ale with my own coins, that's what was wrong with it!
Marik: Listen-- what are you trying to say?
Rufus: Couldn't we just steal the pipeweed?
Marik: Oh, you dumb git! We've spent weeks organizing this job. Sharkey is counting on us not to fail! Cobryn rented a smial across the road and has watched the hobbits going in and out every day. Potros spent three weeks sampling every different kind of pipeweed until he knew the going price of each variety and why... and now I'm not going to risk the whole raid just for the sake of breaking the law.
Rufus: Errr... couldn't we threaten them to lower the price?
Marik: No!
Rufus: Couldn't we act a bit rude even--
Marik: No!
Cobryn: (suddenly going pale) Ummm... Marik?!
Marik: What's the matter with you?
Cobryn: I just remembered... I rented the wagon by the hour... and-- and it's...
Marik: Overdue?
Cobryn: Yes.
Marik: How much?
Cobryn: (quaking) I dunno, maybe two... maybe five minutes.
Marik: Five minutes overdue. You fool! You FOOL!!! All right... we've no time to lose. Thordir, shave all your hair off, get your horse and meet me at the Prancng Pony in Bree on Tuesday night. Potros, head through green hill country and cut through the woody end, loosing any pursuit, and meet us there. Cobryn and Garn, go west toward the blue mountains and then head down to Isengard... arriving by the midwinter holiday. Rufus, you stay here as front man. Give us fifteen minutes and then burn down the building. All right, make it fast!
Rufus: I can't burn down the building.
Marik: Why not?
Rufus: Arson is against the law.
Marik: Oh bloody hell-- Well, we'd better give ourselves up to the Hobbiton shirriffs then.
Cobryn: We can't.
Marik: Why not?
Cobryn: We haven't done anything illegal!

(cut to the Southfarthing Pipeweed Market as two bandits rush out with crates of longbottom leaf)

Thordir: I think having the job be illegal makes it more exciting.
Rufus: Yes, I agree. I mean... if you're going to be a goody-goody you might as well be the white wizard or something.

(cut to Saruman who quickly wheels around to reveal he has been talking to the dark Lord Sauron on his Palantir)

Saruman: Allo-- What?

(cut to the hall of records in Minas Tirith)

Accountant: I suppose that if there were fewer criminals there wouldn't be so many of them, numerically speaking.

(cut to Rivendell)

Arwen: I think sexual ecstasy is over-rated.

(cut to the director of the film)

Hstaphath: After a few more of these remarks, we will kick off the Battle of the Hornburg so stay tuned.

(cut to the Dead Dragon Pub in the rebuilt city of Dale)

La'ra: (unable to get comfortable on his bar stool) I'm telling you, the itching is driving me bonkers!
Kadh: Well, try putting some more lotion on it.

(cut to a hobbit shirriff)

Robin Smallburrow: It's the feather in my hat that puts them in their place... that and my bad breath.

(cut to the Crimson Røhirrim Equestrians)

Eomer: (matter of factly) We do like dressing up, yes...

(cut to a large group of elves making their way to Helm's Deep)

Haldir: Oh, sod all this! You know, I never wanted to go to war in the first place. I just wanted to be... a lumberja--

(cut to Frey Petermeier)

Frey: CUT!!!

[Hstaphath_XC]

Return of the King: Scene 11

Lunch at the Restaurante Morannoni (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Arriving at the Black Café, Gandalf was relieved to hear that Aragorn had thought ahead and used the palantir to call for reservations.

Maitre D: Ah, good afternoon, monsieurs, and welcome to ze Restaurante Morannoni. How are we today?
Aragorn: Fine, thank you. We have a lunch reservation for "Strider and Warparty."
Maitre D: Right zis way, monsieurs! I will fetch Gaston for you... tuit suite.
Imrahil: It's nice here, isn't it?
Gandalf: This is actually a very good restaurant... three stars, you know.
Eomer: Really?
Gimli: Mmm...
Waiter Good afternoon, sirs, and may I say what a pleasure it is to have you dine with us.
Legolas: I've heard that the boeuf en croute here is fantastic!
(the leadership of the Army of the West take their seats at an elegant table)
Waiter Oh, if I may suggest... the pheasant à la reine. The sauce is one of our chef's most famous creations.
Imrahil: Emmm... that sounds good.
Aragorn: Yes, it does... oh-- errr... by the way, I've got a bit of a dirty fork. Could you, ummm... could you get me another one?
Waiter I beg your pardon.
Aragorn: Oh, it's nothing... I've got a fork that is a little bit dirty. Could you please get me another one? Thank you.
Waiter Oh... sir, I do apologize!
Aragorn: Oh, no need to apologize. It doesn't really bother me.
Waiter Oh-- no, no, no, I do apologize. I will fetch the maitre D immediately.
Aragorn: Oh, there's no need to do that!
Waiter Oh, no, no... I'm sure the Maitre D will want to apologize to you himself. I will fetch him at once.
Eomer: Well, you certainly get good service here.
Gandalf: They really look after you, yes.
Maitre D: Excuse me monsieurs. (examines the fork) It is filthy, Gaston... find out who washed zis up and give them their-a cards immediatement.
Aragorn: Oh-- no, no!
Maitre D: Better still... we can not afford-a to take any chances so sack ze entire washing-up staff!
Aragorn: No, look... I don't want to make any trouble.
Maitre D: Oh, no, please... no trouble. It is quite right zat you should-a bring zese kind of things to our attention. Gaston, tell ze manager what has happened-a immediatement!
(the waiter runs off)
Aragorn: Oh-- no, I don't want to cause any fuss.
Maitre D: Please, monsieur, it is no fuss! I quite simply wish-a to ensure zat nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of ze meal.
Aragorn: Oh, I'm sure it won't... it was only a dirty fork.
Maitre D: I know and I am sorry... bitterly sorry, but I know zat no apologies I can make-a can alter ze fact that in our restaurant-a you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery.
Aragorn: It wasn't smelly.
Maitre D: It was smelly... and obscene and disgusting and I hate it. I hate it... nasty, grubby, dirty, mingy, scrubby little fork-a. Oh... oh... oh...
(the maitre D runs off in a passion as the manager comes to the table)
Manager: Good evening, sirs, I am the manager. I've only just heard... may I sit down?
Aragorn: Yes, of course.
Manager: I want to apologize, humbly, deeply, and sincerely about the fork.
Aragorn: Please, it's only a tiny bit... I could hardly see it.
Manager: Ah... you're good, kind, fine people for saying that, but I can see it and to me it's like a mountain... a vast bowl of pus.
Aragorn: It's not as bad as that.
Manager: I can't give you any excuses for it... there are no excuses. I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant recently, but I haven't been too well... things aren't going very well back there. The Maitre D's son has been drafted into Sauron's army, poor dear Dalmarfa who does the washing up can hardly move her mangled old fingers, and then there's Mungo's war wound... but they're good people, they're kind people, and together we were beginning to get over this dark patch. There was light at the end of the tunnel... and now this... now this.
Aragorn: Can I get you some water?
Manager: (in tears) The Black Café will never recover from this... it's the end of Restaurante Morannoni!
(the cook runs up to the table waving a meat cleaver)
Mungo: (shouting) You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards! Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is in this miserable wretched land and now you come in with your petty feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt! This fine honorable man whose boots you are not worthy to kiss. Oh-- it makes me mad... mad!
(the cook slams his cleaver into the table as the maitre D comes back in and tries to restrain him)
Maitre D: Easy, Mungo! Easy there-a Mungo...
Mungo: (clutching his head in agony) The war wound! The wound... the wound...
Manager: This is the end! The end--
(the manager stabs himself in the heart with the fork)
Manager: (dying) Aaargh!!!
Mungo: (going completely mad) They've destroyed him... he's dead! They killed him!!!
Maitre D: (trying to restrain the deranged cook) No Mungo-- never kill a paying customer!
Mungo: (in horrendous pain) Oh, the wound! The wound!
(the cook and maitre D continue fighting furiously as they fall over the table)
Gimli: We're just lucky I didn't say anything about the dirty knife!

[Andromeda]

Or the fly in my soup. 

[Hstaphath_XC]

Or the fly in my soup.

Indeed!   

I'm trying to dig up Kadh's email address so I can let him know that I finally got around to posting his scene with La'ra.  His new website doesn't list it, though I am glad to see that Unity 2009 got a redo.  I guess I could try stalking him on his message board again.  Heh.

Next up is the conclusion of all my attempts to work in the "Burn the Witch" scene into my parodies.

[Andromeda]

I'm trying to dig up Kadh's email address so I can let him know that I finally got around to posting his scene with La'ra.  His new website doesn't list it, though I am glad to see that Unity 2009 got a redo.  I guess I could try stalking him on his message board again.  Heh.

Put a kadh2000 on either side of the symbol and you've got it.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Thanks Rømmë!   

[kadh2000]

Slight flaw in the plan!  Outrageous!

I knew La'ra didn't know the way to the Lonely Mountain... I was just humoring him.

Yea!!  We got to kill Jar Jar... although I liked him in the first movie.  Weird, no?

Yeah, we could watch a few minutes.

Hmm, Kadh seems to be a bit, um, long in the tongue of sageness and silly talking.  Do I really do that?  [sound of slop bucket hitting author of story].  Ah, so I do, but that was fun.

Asking for directions?  We are men, manly men.  Even if we do wear tights.  Tight tights.

Love the crime scene. Love it.

Thanks for getting me back here.  I'd forgotten (sad isn't it) all about dynaverse.  I really shouldn't have to say how funny I thought all of this was, but I will.  This was outrageously funny!

[sound of much writing]

[Hstaphath_XC]

Thanks Kadh!!!   And it's very good to have you back!

I never did find out what La'ra though of it after reading it again later on, though... perhaps he is still half-stoned on "cold medicine."  It's possible, I guess.   

I have nearly completed the next scene, which is actually several scenes all strung together into (hopefully) the epic conclusion of the Burn the Witch scene writing fiasco.

[Andromeda]

Hmm, Kadh seems to be a bit, um, long in the tongue of sageness and silly talking.  Do I really do that?  [sound of slop bucket hitting author of story].  Ah, so I do, but that was fun.

The word you are looking for is pompous.   

[Commander La'ra]

I never did find out what La'ra though of it after reading it again later on, though... perhaps he is still half-stoned on "cold medicine."  It's possible, I guess.   

*bleary eyed* Whu?

[Hstaphath_XC]

*bleary eyed* Whu?

Exactly.   

[Commander La'ra]

The anime thing seems even more naughty when sober!

And murdering Jar-Jar...like Kadh, I didn't mind him, but it was still hilarious.  Especially that whole 'spleen' thing.

Thinking of making the line about leather-clad elf maidens my sig...

[Hstaphath_XC]

Thinking of making the line about leather-clad elf maidens my sig...

Haha-- rightly so!   

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 2

Cook the Burrahobbit! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Bilbo has been captured by the owners of a campfire that the dwarves sent him off to investigate.  Three trolls (whom we shall call William, Tom, and Bert since their names in the crude trollish tongue sound even more ridiculous) are quite alarmed by the sudden appearance of their "guest."

Bert and Tom: A thief! A thief! A thief! A thief! We've found us a thief! A thief! A thief! A thief! A thief! We've got us a thief! A thief! A thief! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! We've found us a thief! A thief!
Tom: We found us a thief. May we eat him?
William: How do you know he's a thief?
Bert: He was reaching into your pocket.
Tom: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
William: Bring the little bugger forward.
Bilbo: I'm not a thief. I'm just lost.
William: Uh, but you were acting like one.
Bilbo: They just assumed I was and jumped to conclusions.
Bert and Tom: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Frey: Oh, just stop this bit right now.
Hstaphath: Cut!
Frey: This isn't working and your other ideas for this scene are really very good.
Hstaphath: But--
Frey: But nothing, we've been over this countless times.
Hstaphath: I know, I really do... great, just great.  Alright, people, back to version 26b for scene 2... places!

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 3

Cook the Dwarves! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Making their way through a pass in the Misty Mountains, the companions find shelter in a cave for the night as a fierce storm rages.  In short order, they are captured by goblins and Gandalf goes missing.  "Goblin" is just another name for "orc," by the way, with the only apparent difference being that those called "goblins" are generally not as intelligent as those called "orcs."  Given the mental capacity of the common orc, that's really saying something!  Even so, goblins are considered to have better singing voices than orcs... which really isn't saying much.

Goblins: (singing) The black crack, the back crack!
[snap]
Goblins: (singing) Down, down to Goblin-town!
[crash]
Goblins: (singing) You go, my lad! Ho, ho-- my lad!
[clap]
Goblins: (singing) Goblins beat and Goblins bleat!
[baaa]
Goblins: (singing) Round, round far underground!
[smash]
Goblins: (singing) Below, my lad! Ho, ho-- my lad!
[bonk]
(the thirteen dwarves and one hobbit are dragged into a massive torch-lit cavern)
Goblins: Dwarves! Dwarves! Dwarves! Dwarves! We found Dwarves! Dwarves! Dwarves! Dwarves! Dwarves! We got Dwarves here! Dwarves! Dwarves! Eat 'em! Eat 'em! Eat 'em! We found Dwarves! We found Dwarves! Dwarves! We got Dwarves here! Dwarves!
Goblin Sergeant: We found some dwarves. Can we eat 'em?
Goblins: Eat 'em! Eat 'em! Eat 'em! Eat 'em!
Head Goblin: How do you know they are dwarves?
Goblin Guard: They look like 'em.
Goblins: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Head Goblin: Bring one forward.
Thorin: I'm not a dwarf! We are... ummm-- actually, we are all hobbits.
Head Goblin: Uh, but you are dressed as one.
Thorin: They dressed us up like this.
Goblins: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Thorin: And this isn't my beard. It's a false one.
Head Goblin: Well?
Goblin Sergeant: Well, we did do the beard.
Head Goblin: The beard?
Goblin Sergeant: And the axe, but he is a dwarf!
Goblin Guard: Yeah!
Goblins: We eat 'em! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
Head Goblin: Did you dress them up like this?
Goblin Sergeant: No!
Goblin Scout: No. No.
Goblin Guard: No.
Goblin Sergeant: No.
Goblin Scout: No.
Goblin Sergeant: Yes.
Goblin Guard: Yes.
Goblin Sergeant: Yes. Yeah, a bit.
Goblin Scout: A bit.
Goblin Guard: A bit.
Goblin Scout: A bit.
Goblin Sergeant: He-- ummm... he has got a snobby attitude--
Frey: No, no, no-- NO!
Hstaphath: (sighing) Cut.
Frey: What in the name of all that XenoCorp finds holy and sacred are you doing?!
Hstaphath: I... well, I...
Frey: This scene was finalized weeks ago involving a naughty phrase book, most certainly not the bloody "Burn the Witch" skit!
Hstaphath: I just thought that, errr... maybe--
Frey: No.
Hstaphath: I could--
Frey: Seriously, no.  No you weren't, no you didn't, and no you aren't!
Hstaphath: Great. Terrific. That's just... just great.
Frey: I'm sure you will figure something out by the end, but this is not it.
Hstaphath: I'm trying to... okay, lunch now. Lunch!

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 6

Imprison the Trespassers! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Within the great cave palace of King Thranduil, preparations are well underway for the much anticipated harvest celebration of the wood elves.  Quiet and invisible, Bilbo finds his way to the elven king's great hall.

Wood Elves: Trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! We've captured trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! We've got trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! Imprison them! Imprison them! Imprison them! We've captured trespassers! We've captured trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers! Trespassers!
Legolas: Father, we have captured a group of trespassers. May we imprison them?
Wood Elves: Imprison them! Imprison! Imprison them!
Thranduil: How do you know they awe twespassews?
Czar: Because they certainly are not elves, my king, yet they were in our woods.
Wood Elves: Right! Indeed! Yes!
Thranduil: Bwing theiw leadew fowwawd.
Thorin: We weren't trespassing and, therefore, I'm not a trespasser.
Thranduil: Uh, but you appawently stwayed fwom the fowest path.
Thorin: They tricked us.
Wood Elves: Oh-- we didn't! We didn't...
Thorin: And our companion Bombur was bespelled into an enchanted sleep.
Thranduil: Well?
Legolas: Well, we did put a protection spell on the stream.
Thranduil: The stweam?
Legolas: And the fat one fell in, of course, but they are trespassers!
Czar: Indeed!
Wood Elves: We imprison them! Right! Yes! Right!
Thranduil: Did you luwe them fwom the path?
Legolas: Of course not, no!
Biggesti: No. No.
Czar: No.
Legolas: No.
Biggesti: No.
Legolas: Well, yes.
Czar: Yes.
Legolas: Yes. Maybe a bit.
Biggesti: A bit.
Czar: A bit.
Biggesti: A bit.
Legolas: Still, they definitely looked to be up to no good.
Thranduil: What makes you think they intentionally twespassed?
Biggesti: Well, they interrupted our harvetht featht.
Thranduil: A feast?
Biggesti: It got better, actually, we thought they were part of the entertainment at firtht.
Czar: It had been rather boring up until then.
Wood Elves: True, true.
Legolas: Even so, our laws are clear... we imprison them!
Czar: Imprison them anyway!
Wood Elves: Imprison them! Imprison! Imprison them!
Thranduil: Silence! Be quiet now-- Silence I say! Thewe awe ways of telling whethew they awe twespessews.
Biggesti: Are there theriouthly?
Czar: Yes?
Legolas: What are they, father?
Wood Elves: Tell us! Tell us!
Thranduil: Tell me, my good people, what do you do with twespassews?
Legolas: We imprison them!
Czar: Imprisonment!
Wood Elves: Imprison them! Throw them in prison!
Thranduil: And what do you impwison apawt fwom twespassews?
Biggesti: More trethpaththerth!
Czar: Shh!
Legolas: Goblins!
Thranduil: So... why do we impwison twespassews?
[pause]
Biggesti: Be-- becauthe they're all goblinth?
Thranduil: Good!
Wood Elves: Oh, yeah. Oh.
Thranduil: So, how do we tell whethew they awe goblins?
Legolas: Smell them?
Thranduil: Ah, but does not all non-elven waces smell wevolting to us?
Legolas: Oh, true.
Biggesti: Yeth, very true.
Thranduil: Do goblins sink in watew?
Legolas: No, no.
Czar: No, they float! They float!
Legolas: Throw them into the river!
Wood Elves: The river! Throw them into the river!
Thranduil: What also floats in watew?
Legolas: Athelas!
Czar: Apples!
Biggesti: Uh-- very thmall rockth!
Legolas: Gnomes!
Czar: Uh, wine barrels!
Legolas: Leaves!
Czar: Cows!
Biggesti: Uh, boatth! Boatth!
Frey: Stop! Stop this scene right now before I smack every last one of you with a rubber chicken!
Hstaphath: Oh bugger-- CUT!
Frey: I can hardly believe you would try again to rewrite a perfectly good scene like this in an attempt to somehow wedge this ruddy skit in.
Hstaphath: But it was really flowing this time!
Frey: Be that as it may, the Biggesti Dickesti scene is better.
Hstaphath: Yes, but maybe we could--
Frey: Let me try saying it like this...
[SMACK]

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 8

Sacrifice the Dwarf! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Flowing east from the kingdom of the wood elves, the forest river rushes in great sweeps until it empties into the vast inland sea known as the Long Lake.  The barrels that make it intact from the palace of King Thranduil all the way to the lake are eventually gathered up at the strange town built right out on the surface of the water.  Curiously, some of the barrels seem to move against the swirl of the current as they gather.
Bilbo: (invisible) Confound these heavy barrels-- Ooof!
Narrator: Once called Esgaroth, before the coming of the dragon, this busy wooden city on the water is now simply called Lake-town by those who attempt to live and trade there.  At the moment, oblivious to the barrels, the citizens of Lake-town gather up fish from the morning catch to start a deadly ritual.

People of Lake-town: (suddenly bursting into song as they begin viciously slapping each other with fish)
Lake-town, Lake-town, Lake-town...
The first to fall won’t be me!
(discordant music begins playing that combines with the various animal noises of everyday commerce)
Master of Town: (singing) Lake-town doesn’t want to burn,
So Lake-town has a grim task again today.
It is time that a boy or girl will be chosen for the worm,
In the traditional valley of Dale way!
People of Lake-town: (singing) Schlip! Schlap!
Master of Town: (singing) Schlip-a-schlap-a-vay.
People of Lake-town: (singing) Schlip! Schlap!
Master of Town: (singing) Schlap away all day.
People of Lake-town: (singing) Schlip! Schlap!
Master of Town: (singing) You simply must be strong,
To survive the fish-schlapping song!
People of Lake-town: (singing) Lake-town, Lake-town, Lake-town...
Men of Lake-town: (singing) Where I hope Smaug eats someone other than me.
Bärd the Bowman: (singing) Like he did my Aunt Jënny--
Andrømëdå: (singing) Or dear Grånny--
Sorëys the Boatman: Or my brother Sørnëy!
People of Lake-town: (singing) Lake-town, Lake-town, Lake-town...
Why won't that dragon let us be!

(one of the recently arrived barrels suddenly breaks open)

Thorin: (standing on very shaky legs) I am Thorin son of Thrain son of Thror... King under the Mountain! (swaying) I return!
[THUD]
Bilbo: Oh bother.
People of Lake-town: A dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! We've found a dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! We've got a dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! Sacrifice him! Sacrifice him! Sacrifice him! We've found a dwarf! We've found a dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf! A dwarf!
Bärd the Bowman: We have found a dwarf and he was the first to fall. May we feed him to the dragon?
People of Lake-town: Sacrifice him! A sacrifice! Sacrifice him! Sacrifice him!
Master of Town: How do you know he is a dwarf?
Sorëys the Boatman: He looks like one.
People of Lake-town: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Master of Town: Bring him forward.
Thorin: I'm not a dwarf. I'm not a dwarf.
Master of Town: Uh, but you are dressed as one.
Thorin: They dressed me up like this after pulling me out of that barrel.
People of Lake-town: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Thorin: And this isn't my beard. It's a false one.
Master of Town: Well?
Bärd the Bowman: Well, we did do the beard.
Master of Town: The beard?
Frey: (running onto the set) You have got to be kidding me!
Hstaphath: Cut!
Frey: Did you really think you could get away with it?!
Hstaphath: Ummm... get away with what?
Frey: Don't play innocent, you had to be the one behind three scantily clad elven females showing up at my trailer because they heard that I could supposedly land one of them a "large part."
Hstaphath: Oh-- they did?
Frey: Yes.
Hstaphath: How odd... and yet I can't believe you didn't... ummm... they didn't distract you.
Frey: Well, they certainly had my wife's attention who just happened to be visiting the set with our daughters today!
Hstaphath: Your-- hold on a moment... (yelling) Annie!
Annie: (running over) Yeah?
Hstaphath: For a reason completely different and utterly unrelated to what Frey and I are talking about right now, you're fired.
Annie: Nuts.
Hstaphath: Now get back to work.
Annie: (sighing) Fine.
Frey: What was that about, then?!
Hstaphath: Oh, nothing.  Nothing at all.  So... back to the "cram" version of this scene, script rewrite 43-- no, 47... places!
Frey: We are SO not done talking about thi--
Hstaphath: And... action!

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Narrative Interlude

Ban the Lurker! (Behind the Scene Footage)

Narrator: Meanwhile, all was quiet on the Dynaverse's SFC fan fiction forum until...

FanFic Writers: A lurker! A lurker! A lurker! A lurker! We've found a lurker! A lurker! A lurker! A lurker! A lurker! We've got a lurker! A lurker! A lurker! Ban him! Ban him! Ban him! We've found a lurker! We've found a lurker! A lurker! A lurker! A lurker!
Scottish Andy: We have found a lurker. May we ban him?
FanFic Writers: Ban him! A ban! Ban him! Ban him!
Sirgod: How do you know he is a lurker?
James Smith: He acts like one.
FanFic Writers: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Sirgod: Bring him forward.

Moofighters: I'm not a lurker. I'm not a lurker.
Sirgod: Uh, but you have acted as one.
Moofighters: They deleted my replies to their posts.
FanFic Writers: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Moofighters: And this isn't even my real username. It's a pseudonym.
Sirgod: Well?
Scottish Andy: Well, we did do the username.
Sirgod: The username?
Scottish Andy: And delete his posts, but he is a lurker!
James Smith: Yeah!
Moofighters: Moo!
FanFic Writers: We ban him! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!
Frey: While I personally find this particular attempt amusing, it isn't going to fit either.
Hstaphath: Cut!  (sighing) I'm... I'm getting rather desperate.
Frey: Obviously.
Hstaphath: I'm trying to be creative here, the parody is virtually over!
Frey: You may just have to face the reality that it didn't work out for this scene.
Hstaphath: No, no!  Not yet-- I think I have one more shot at it.
Frey: Where can you possibly--
Hstaphath: It'll be great, just great! Brilliant even.
Frey: I don't know...
Hstaphath: (yelling) That's a wrap for today, people!  Drinks at Ferret's Bar & Grill for everyone are on Frey today!
Frey: Wait-- what?!
FanFic Writers: Huzzah!  All hail Frey!!!
(the Dynaverse FanFic writing crew quickly picks up and carries Frey off the set)
Frey: But I... bugger.

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 12

Kill the Hobbit! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: After a frantic yet thorough search through the vast treasures of Erebor, the haunting quiet of the dwarven halls is suddenly shattered by the angry cries of many voices.

Gloin: A thief! A thief! A thief! A thief! We've found a thief! A thief! A thief! A thief! A thief! We've got a thief! A thief! A thief! Beat him! Beat him! Beat him! We've found a thief! We've found a thief! A thief! A thief! A thief!
Nori: We have found the thief of the Arkenstone. May we beat him senseless?
Thorin: How do you know he is the thief?
Balin: He was the only one that would have done it.
Nori: Right! Yeah! Yeah!
Thorin: Bring the burglar forward.
Bilbo: I'm not a thief. Well... not in this instance at any rate!
Thorin: The Arkenstone of Thrain is the most valuable heirloom of my house and I want it back.
Bilbo: I didn't take it-- they just assumed I did and jumped to conclusions.
Gloin and Bifur: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...
Frey: No, no. I told you this wasn't going to work.
Hstaphath: (groaning) Cut.  You... you've just got to give it a chance.
Frey: The "Burn the Witch" scene has had nothing but chances... it just didn't fit.
Hstaphath: This can't be... what if--
Frey: No.
Hstaphath: Or maybe--
Frey: No, you tried that already as well.
Hstaphath: How do you think you know what I was going to say?!
Frey: Oh, I know.  And you know that I know that you know that I know.
Hstaphath: Stop that.
Frey: Though, you know, the more I think about it... we really should have went with "Burn the Witch" for scene 13 of The Two Towers.
Hstaphath: We-- what?!
Frey: Yeah... sorry about that.
Hstaphath: But--
Frey: I was clearly wrong about it in hindesight.
Hstaphath: Oop--
Frey: Sometimes you just have to know when to stand up for yourself, Hsta.
Hstaphath: Ack--
Frey: Honestly, I will never understand why you let me talk you out of it.  So sad.
Hstaphath: Pfttt!
Frey: Ummm... Hsta?  What are you--
Hstaphath: I... am about to go insane... and I am TAKING YOU WITH ME!
Frey: (gesturing wildly at the cast and crew) Run away!!!

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Epilogue

Burn the Producer! (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Meanwhile, on the Dynaverse's SFC fan fiction forum...

FanFic Writers: The producer! The producer! The producer! The producer! We've found the producer! The producer! The producer! The producer! The producer! We've got the producer! The producer! The producer! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! We've found the producer! We've found the producer! The producer! The producer! The producer!
Hstaphath: Bring him forward.
Frey: Well, this is a fine "how do you do!"
FanFic Writers: Burn him! Burn! Burn him! Yeah, burn him!
Kieran Forester: We found Frey, the producer. May we burn him?
Hstaphath: Yes, absolutely.
(pause)
FanFic Writers: Huzzah!  We burn him! Burn! Burn him!
Frey: It's a fair cop.
[FWOOSH]

[Hstaphath_XC]

Fellowship of the Ring: Scene 15a

The "Not Noel Coward" Song (Deleted Scene)

Gollum: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Gollum-gollum! Here's us a little number we tossed off recently in the Misty Mountains, we did, yesss...
[piano music]
Gollum: (singing) Isn't it awfully nice to have a precious?
Isn't it frightfully good to have a ring?
It's my favorite birthday present,
It's all mine to have and adore.
Not some tiny toe adornement,
But greater than the works of Celembribor.
So, three cheers for Nenya, the ring of waters,
Hooray for Narya with stone of red.
The sapphire Vilya, the treasure of Barahir,
Your bling-bling, or your ice.
You can hide it from the big eye,
You can caress it oh so nice...
But don't drop it in a tunnel,
Or a nasssty hobbit will take your prize,
And he won't... brings it... back!
[piano music stops]
Gollum: Thief! Baggins!!! Gollum-- we hates him forever!

[Andromeda]

Yea!!  We burnt Frey!! 

[Hstaphath_XC]

Yea!!  We burnt Frey!!

Well, he certainly had it coming... now, if only we could figure out why there is a penguin on the telly...   

[Andromeda]

I'm not sure about why it's there, but if it lays an egg it will fall down the back of the television set.  Unless it's a male.

Okay, I'm pretty sure it's there for some sort of sight gag.

[Hstaphath_XC]

I'm not sure about why it's there, but if it lays an egg it will fall down the back of the television set.  Unless it's a male.

Yes, looks fairly butch.

Okay, I'm pretty sure it's there for some sort of sight gag.

Or perhaps it's from the Screaming Dizbuster.  We should check to see if it has "property of Kadh" stamped on it.

[Andromeda]

On the off chance that it might explode....

You go check.

[Hstaphath_XC]

On the off chance that it might explode.... You go check.

Heart of a lioness, you have!

Anyway, as everyone knows, it wouldn't just have "property of Kadh" stamped on it... if it really was his, it would already be sabre dancing.

Speaking of which, Kadh appears to have disappeared again.  Ruddy Klinks!   

[kadh2000]

I'm not gone, just cloaked.

[Hstaphath_XC]

I'm trying to work through a bit of writer's block... I've got Saruman and Wormtongue trying to escape from Isengard under siege in the next scene.

[Commander La'ra]

Is there nudity?

[Hstaphath_XC]

Is there nudity?

So far, no... but I'm not ruling out cross-dressing with those two.   

[FA Frey XC]

I wondered why I smelt of elderberries!

I'm dead!

Regards,

[Hstaphath_XC]

I'm dead!

Now, now... I'm sure it was only a flesh-wound.   

[Hstaphath_XC]

It's been a busy summer with all sorts of personal upheavals, yet I still intend to get back to finishing this.  Things seem to be calming down a bit and my daughter Annie keeps reminding me about it.

On the other hand, we obviously have yet to get that bit of writing that Kadh promised us either so apparently it's not just me.   

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Two Towers: Scene 8a

Inside Isengard (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: The former white wizard Saruman and his only remaining servant, Grima Wormtongue, creep out to a protected balcony to survey the dire situation in their besieged "island" of Isengard.

Grima: Right. Well, master... we might as well make a start on plan B.  Last one to the Shire is a rotten egg and all that, eh?
Saruman: Heh.  Give me your-a helmet, Grima!
(Grima hands his helmet to Saruman who throws it a few feet up into the air above the protection of the battlements)
[zip]
[pang]
[thunk]
[boing]
[pting]
[thud]
(Saruman catches the helmet, which now has several dents from ent thrown rocks as well as 3 arrows in it, and gives it back to Grima)
Grima: I see... so, some sort of clever hat-camouflage might be in order first, then?
Saruman: Hardly, you ignorant goat washing swine-a!  What I need-a is my Palantir so I can-a call upon monsieur Sauron for reinforcements... or at least a diversionary-type attack-a so zat we may escape.
Grima: And then we could have our revenge with plan B?
Saruman: Yes-a, indeed... provided my elite spy group led by Marik has-a infiltrated ze lair of zose annoying hobbits and have-a not drawn attention to zemselves.
Grima: Yes, master, that would prove disastrous to your back-up plan.
(cut to a cell block in the Hobbiton shirriff's office)
Marik: Oh bugger.
Cobryn: You said it, chief.
(cut back to Saruman and Grima)
Saruman: All of which I could find out-a with my Palantir!
Grima: Sorry... so sorry, master, but you keep using this word Planeteer?
Saruman: Palantir! A seeing stone-a of long lost Eldamar!
Grima: A stone?
Saruman: Ze stone-a zat was by my throne-a!
Grima: Oh no-- the stone by the throne?
Saruman: My plans were-a blown when it was-a thrown.
Grima: If I'd only known--
Saruman: Ze stone-a by ze throne-a gave me a view zat was true.
Grima: Well, we are surrounded by water now... can you, you know... do what the elves do?
Saruman: What-- an elven style-a viewing pool of cool water?!
Grima: Yes!
Saruman: No, no... ze pool zat is cool only gives visions zat can fool.
Grima: A fell elven spell?
Saruman: Zat let's ze elves see zemselves where Galadriel does-a dwell.
Grima: But the stone like a phone--
Saruman: Ze stone-a by ze throne-a!
Grima: Yes, that one--
Saruman: Gave me a view zat was-a true!
Grima: Yes, so--
Saruman: You really put ze poo in ze stew when it flew-a through ze blue-a!
Grima: Master, what can I do?
Saruman: You can-a go down zere and get me my-a stone back.
Grima: The elven stone?
Saruman: Elven?!  No, no-- ze stone-a zat was by ze throne-a!
Grima: What if we just got some of the water for a viewing pool?
Saruman: I told you already enough, ze pools give visions zat can fool!
Grima: So, only the throne will help?
Saruman: Not ze throne-a, ze stone-a zat was by ze throne-a!
Grima: I... I don't follow.
Saruman: It's-a really quite simple.
Grima: If it's so simple, perhaps you should go get it?
Saruman: Don't sass me, Grima, or I will toss-a you like you tossed my stone-a.
Grima: Ahhh... that stone again.  So, really... no water?  There is plenty of water now, you know--
Saruman: You simpering git of an orc mother's bottom!  Ze ruddy pools can fool while my stone-a by ze throne-a will give a view zat is true.
Grima: So... the pool that is cool gives visions that can fool while the stone by the throne gives a view that is true.
Saruman: Now you've-a got it.
Grima: Wonderful!
Saruman: Now SHUT UP and let-a me think, you oliphaunt-snogging tossser!
(long pause)
Grima: Per-- ummm... permission to speak, master?
Saruman: Granted, with a well earned-a sense of exhaustion an' dread, I'm thinking.
Grima: I have a cunning plan to infiltrate the enemy camp and get back your seeing stone!
Saruman: Ah, yes... and what-a would zat plan be exactly?
Grima: Badgers.  We build a large wooden badg--
[SMACK!]
[punch]
[kick]
[punch]
[scuffle]
(Grima manages to knock Saruman away from him and right over the balcony of the tower)
Saruman: AAAaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeeeeEEEeee!
[THUD!!!]
Saruman: (dying)  Ulk--
Gandalf: (shaking his head sadly) ...and so ends the madness and tyranny of Saruman.  And that bloody damn ridiculous accent.

[kadh2000]

Ah, but what about the foresight of one's fathers?
That only gives one visions of one's missions!

Und I don't have ze father.

Excellent.  I love Danny Kaye, sometimes.  Other times I hate him. 
 
Er, very funny.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Excellent.  I love Danny Kaye, sometimes.  Other times I hate him. 
Er, very funny.

Hehe... thanks!  I have very fond memories of watching The Court Jester with my mom at a very young age.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Return of the King: Scene 2

Calling Sauron Re-Redux (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Barad-dur... the dread black fortress of Sauron. Atop this tower of black sorcery, the flaming eye of the Dark Lord looks out upon the west. Unexpectedly, he hears a call on his Palantir.



Sauron: Saruman? Denethor?!
Muffled Voice: Uh, hello? Is Mike there?
Sauron: Who-- Mike?
Muffled Voice: Yes, Mr. Rotch.  Is he there?
Sauron: (annoyed) Hold on, I'll check.
(Sauron's voice sounds far and wide throughout the land of Mordor)
Sauron: Hey, has anyone seen Mike Rotch?!
Orcs: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh...
Sauron: Come on now, seriously! Try to find Mike Rotch for me already!
Muffled Voice: Hehe... maybe you just don't have one to find!
Sauron: Oh-- for the love of Melkor, I can't take any more of this!!!
Merry: Wha-- don't tell us you've had enough now, eh?
Pippin: Yeah, we're just getting warmed up!
Sauron: No more! I've only been able to reform one bloody nerve and, so help me... by those holier-than-though Valar, you two have been stomping on it like a couple of drunken step dancing cave trolls!
Pippin: Hey now, I had a bet with Merry here for a pint o' the good stuff at the Green Dragon that he wouldn't be able to get you to fall for "Ollie Tabooger" during our next call.
Merry: Hehe...
(meanwhile, in Gandalf's tent elsewhere in the camp of the Røhirrim)
Gandalf: (looking over an old map) The board is set... the pieces are moving... now, if only that fiend Sauron doesn't strike before we are ready... just a little while longer...
(cut back to Pippin and Merry)
Pippin: So, just how long should we be waiting for you to get a Mike Rotch to find over there?
Sauron: ENOUGH! (Sauron's voice blares throughout Mordor once more) Nazgul, orcs, paparazzi, goblins, wargs, tax attorneys, wolves, trolls, spammers, allied men-- ATTACK!!!
(Mount Doom erupts in savage flame and a ghastly massive beacon light flares forth from Minas Morgul)
Gandalf: (running over to throw open the tent door and looking east) Doh!

[Andromeda]

Oh, I love that one.  Brilliant cause for the war.  The version of the joke I know was Mike Hunt, but then the person on the receiving end of the call was female.

[kadh2000]

It almost makes you feel sorry for Sauron.

So, I give you this: http://www.ealasaid.com/misc/vsd/sauron.html

[Hstaphath_XC]

Thanks!

The next scene is a big one courtesy of Erik the Viking.  Saddly, only one more bonus scene is currently planned after that.

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 10a

The Loss of Lake-town (Deleted Scene)

Narrator: Having been sent to his doom by the magic arrow of Bärd the Bowman, the mighty Smaug the Golden crashed fully onto the burning hapless Lake-town.

Sorëys the Boatman: (bursting into the Great Hall) The town is on fire and sinking into the lake!!!

Master of Town: Stay calm! This is NOT happening.
(the Master of Town turns and hurries up a staircase)
Sorëys the Boatman: Wha-- seriously?
(the doors of the Great Hall of Lake-town burst open once more as Sorëys tries in vain to shut them, a wall of water crashes through that knocks Sorëys off his feet and into a startled group of Vikings... there is little doubt that the whole of the blazing town is sinking)
Sorëys the Boatman: (sputtering and gasping) Bugger this!
(cut to a close-up of the Master of Town who is now standing on the roof of the Great Hall addressing a crowd of anxious citizens... they are keeping surprisingly good order considering that the whole town is rapidly sinking around them)
Master of Town: Now, I know what some of you must be thinking... the dragon has come.... we're all going  down, etc., etc... but let's get away from the fantasy and look at the FACTS.
(nearby, the massive storage house used by the richest of Lake-town's merchants suddenly crashes into the lake and disappears)
Master of Town: FACT ONE - The mere threat of total destruction has kept the peace since the founding of our town. FACT TWO - The chances of it failing now are therefore one in three hundred and sixty-five thousand.
(Smaug finally bellows his last anguished cry and falls silent as his lashing tail obliterates a nearby boat laden with barrels and crates of trade goods)
Master of Town: FACT THREE...
(the water is now up to the base of the roof and the gathered people crowd closer to the Master to avoid getting wet)
Master of Town: FACT THREE - Our safety regulations are the most rigorous in Middle-earth. Our construction standards are second only to the dwarves and we never cut corners or allow nonsense like labor unions, do we?
People of Lake-town: No!
(the Great Hall shifts and shakes hard for a moment as it continues to sink)
Gylës the Fishmonger: We-- errr... we do seem to be going down quite fast-- errr... not trying to contradict you, of course!
Master of Town: No, of course you're not, Gylës. But let's stick to the facts. There has NEVER been a safer, more solid town than ours. So, whatever's happening, you can rest assured that Lake-town is NOT sinking. Repeat, NOT sinking!
(we cut to an unfortunate elderly resident of Lake-town who looks out of a window to see if it's raining, but is immersed in water before he can find out as his house sinks out of sight)
[GLURG--MELP--GURGLE!]
(cutting back to the roof of the Great Hall, the remaining people of Lake-town, however, are reassured by the Master's words... even though they are now up to their waists in water)
Këyfø the Merchant: May I just make a point in support of what the Master of Town has just said?

Master of Town: We'd be delighted, wouldn't we?
People of Lake-town: Yes, we'd certainly like to hear what Këyfø has got to say--
(Bärd the Bowman tries to get past them carrying an unconscious Andrømëdå)
Bärd the Bowman: What are all of you doing?!
Lånør the Seamstress: (cheerfully) It's all right. It's not happening.
Bärd the Bowman: (shocked) But... the town is sinking!
Lånør the Seamstress: Yes, I thought it was at first as well, but the Master has just pointed out that it can't be.
Këyfø the Merchant: (still speaking in support of the Master of Town) ...and, of course, we mustn't forget the Master's excellent eye for flower arranging--
Bärd the Bowman: Save yourselves, you fools! Lake-town is sinking!!!
(the people of Lake-town just look at one another with amused expressions and chuckle)
Këyfø the Merchant: Look, you clearly have forgotten about our safety regulations.
Master of Town: It can't happen.
Bärd the Bowman: But it IS! Look!
Master of Town: (ignoring Bärd) The important thing is not to panic.
People of Lake-town: Quite... yes... we understand....
Master of Town: I've already appointed Këyfø as chairman of a committee to find out exactly what IS going on and, in the meantime, I suggest we have a sing-song!
People of Lake-town: Good idea!
Gylës the Fishmonger: Can we do the one that goes "TUM-TI-TUM-TI-TUM-TI-TUM"?
Bärd the Bowman: (leaving in despair) What madness this is!
(reaching the shore, Andrømëdå finally comes to as the sound of the "sing-song" in the nearly vanished remains of Lake-town reaches a particularly noisy and discordant climax)
Andrømëdå: Bärd, my love... what has happened?!
(back on what was the Great Hall, the crowd of unconcerned looking citizens are sitting on the highest part of the roof and struggle through another appalling song)
People of Lake-town: ...Te...Tum!
Master of Town: You know, I think we're getting better.
Lånør the Seamstress: Oh, how can you tell?
Master of Town: Well, errr...
Andrømëdå: (shouting from shore) Father!
Master of Town: (shouting back) It's all right, dear! It isn't happening!
Andrømëdå: But, father, it IS!
Bärd the Bowman: Swim to shore!
Gylës the Fishmonger: No thanks!
Lånør the Seamstress: Who do you think YOU are?
Këyfø the Merchant: Panic-monger!
(the roof is now sinking rapidly, though the people of Lake-town appear as unperturbed as ever)
Gylës the Fishmonger: Leave us alone!
Sorëys the Boatman: (walking up to Bärd on shore) Yeah, might as well leave 'em alone.
Andrømëdå: It's sinking! Just look around you! Lake-town has sunk!

Master of Town: Well, my dear... I think you'll find it's all a question of what you want to believe in. I have slightly more experience in this sort of thing than you and--
(unfortunately, at this point, the last bit of the Great Hall disappears below the surface of the water... taking the Master of Town and his people with him)
Andrømëdå: (tears spring to her eyes) Father, you idiot!
Bärd the Bowman: (sighing sadly) This was entirely to silly.

[Commander La'ra]

*facepalm*

 

[Andromeda]

I'm thought I was adopted.  Now I'm sure.

[Hstaphath_XC]

 

You know, now that Rommie mentions it... Andrømëdå looks nothing like the Master of Town, but she does bear an uncanny resemblance to Sorëys the Boatman.  Things that make ya' go "hmmmm...."   

[Hstaphath_XC]

Just one song parody away from wrapping this up...

My kids want me to do a Monty Python version of the Star Wars screenplays next.   

[Commander La'ra]

Just one song parody away from wrapping this up...

*waits in rapt anticipation*

My kids want me to do a Monty Python version of the Star Wars screenplays next.   

Which Jar-Jar can't be in, cuz, you know...

[Hstaphath_XC]

*waits in rapt anticipation*

I'm actively working on it now, so it won't be a long wait!

Then I will be creating the HTML and PDF versions to host at XenoCorp, of course.

Which Jar-Jar can't be in, cuz, you know...

Actually, my kids think I should make it a point to find a way to gruesomely kill Jar-Jar in every movie (including 4, 5, and 6!) so the fact that you and Kadh have already violently disposed of him isn't necessarily a deal-breaker.   

Since XC_Ward was in the habit of dying in just about every MP XC skit we did prior to this parody, we have an already established precedent for it even.  Heh.

[Commander La'ra]

Actually, my kids think I should make it a point to find a way to gruesomely kill Jar-Jar in every movie (including 4, 5, and 6!) so the fact that you and Kadh have already violently disposed of him isn't necessarily a deal-breaker.   

Wait...

...so we might get to kill him again?

[Hstaphath_XC]

...so we might get to kill him again?

And again... and again... and again... and again... and again.  Theoretically speaking.   

[Andromeda]

I LIKED Jar Jar.  Well, at least in Ep. 1.

[FA Frey XC]

  

 

[Hstaphath_XC]

Return of the King: Bardic Epilogue

Appendix H (Deleted Scene)

Narrator:  Within Elrond's favorite open air concert hall, Ferret gathers the best musicians in Rivendell together.  Their honored task is to memorialize in song the making of this epic parody saga.  Harps, mandolins, horns, and elven drums at the ready... Ferret beckons them to begin.

[music]
(to the tune of "American Pie" by Don McLean)
Ferretlxix_XC :  (singing)

A long, long time ago...
I can still remember,
When Hsta first made us smile.
And we signed him up at first chance,
To help cope with K'tuj's sabredance,
And, maybe, Hydrans would be on top for a while.

But Taldren's site made me shiver,
With every forum post it’d deliver.
Magic photons and PPDs,
So much imbalance and unease.

I remember laughing so hard I cried,
When I read a thread started by my bride,
And Hsta made a reply inside,
The day... he launched... this ride.

So my, my, this off-kilter guy,
Took Tolkien and Python,
Whipped 'em up like stir-fry.
And the XC Crew with our battlecow cry,
Mooing, "He better finish this or die.
He better finish this or die!"

Did you read this trilogy,
Featuring a Baggins and Gamgee,
And a silly ring of gold?
Do you believe four hobbits in all,
Can save us from a Dark Lord's call,
And can romance bloom in an elven hall?

Well, I know that Arwen's in love with him,
Aragorn's got manly arms and a stubbly chin.
Elrond was annoyed, it's true.
"Man, what does my daughter see in you?!"

He was a lonely ranger out of luck,
Trying to make it in a tale running amuck,
But I knew all this wouldn't suck,
The day... I got on... this ride.

We started postin’,
My, my, this off-kilter guy,
Took Tolkien and Python,
Whipped 'em up like stir-fry.
And the Fanfic crew with their sci-fi cry,
Writing, "He better finish this or die.
He better finish this or die!"

Now for six years we’ve been readin' along,
A zany skit, then a silly song,
But there's one I think is most funny.
When Saruman sang of a lumberjack,
Then the ents saw fit to attack,
With his voice so French and whiiinnnnneeey.

Oh, while the White Wiz was full of gall,
Wormtongue stole his magic ball.
He hurled it for a miss,
Theoden couldn't believe this!
So while ents encircled the flooded park,
Horses pranced 'cross the Riddermark,
And hobbits made prank calls in the dark,
The day... we stayed on... this ride.

We were singing,
My, my, this off-kilter guy,
Took Tolkien and Python,
Whipped 'em up like stir-fry.
Even Weird Al would agree and sigh,
Humming, "He better finish this or die.
He better finish this or die!"

Frodo and Sam set a slogging pace,
And of course got lost in a rocky maze,
With no time left to start again.
So, come on, follow Smeagol and be quick!
Or be snuffed out in the marsh like a candlestick,
Then Gollum will be Smeagol’s only friend.

Oh, and as rangers take the stage,
A rabbit leaps with teeth of rage.
No son of Gondor fair and strong,
Could stay that bunny for long.
As the body count climbed from its bite,
Gollum's approach gave them all a fright,
And he caught a coney for the stew that night.
The day... we kept on... this ride.

They were singing,
My, my, this off-kilter guy,
Took Tolkien and Python,
Whipped 'em up like stir-fry.
And the Tolkienites with their purist cry,
Stating, "He better finish this or die.
He better finish this or die!"

We met the crazy steward Denethor,
While so many died on the Pelennor,
Finally beckoned, the Rohirrim came to play.
As the oliphaunts churned up the gore,
And all appeared as lost as before,
Until Aragorn lead the undead to save the day.

And at Mount Doom the fires crashed,
Gollum fell in and the big eye thrashed.
All the orcs were croakin',
The power of the Ring was broken.
And the hobbits I admire best,
Gandalf found with no time to rest,
They rode a northern eagle heading west,
The day... that Sauron... died.

And I've been singing,
My, my, this off-kilter guy,
Took Tolkien and Python,
Whipped 'em up all stir-fried.
For our XC Bard who did his best and tried,
I sing, "At last, he finished this before he died.
Indeed, he finished it all before he died."

I've been singing...
My, my, this off-kilter guy,
Took Tolkien and Python,
Whipped 'em up like stir-fry.
Yeah, our XC Bard as the years have gone by,
Just wrote, "FINALLY... finished this before I die."

(scattering of applause)

Hstaphath: Ummm-- actually, Ferret... Frey just signed me up to do The Hobbit next.
Ferretlxix_XC : What?!
Hstaphath: Yeah, sorry about that. I guess I'm not done after all just yet.
Ferretlxix_XC : This completely buggers up this being the closing song then, eh?
Hstaphath: I'm afraid so.
Ferretlxix_XC : You are SO screwed.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Fin.  Again.   

[Andromeda]

Standing Ovation!

[kadh2000]

Bloody hell.  Hell?  That was bloody brilliant!  So it was!  Very Bloody Brilliant, excepting that no one died.  Yeah that would have made it better.  You missed the part about the body count, the killer rabbit, gollum's stew, the orcs that were croaking, and the very line about Sauron dying.  What?  I didn't?  I didn't? Well, maybe just a little.  In conclusion: Thank you, Master Bard.

I missed the conclusion of the conclusion of the appendices to the conclusion.  *whacks self with pain stick*

Now to get my place in line for The Hobbit.