Topic: Bhutto.  (Read 5092 times)

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Offline Sirgod

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Bhutto.
« on: April 05, 2008, 02:15:32 am »
Gentlemen, I ask that you indulge me. I recently found out that I can talk into a mic thing, and it will make print in Word. I started a small story, and while my intention was to create Tension between the reader , and the prose, I have to wonder, IF I am going to slow in the build up. Mind you, I am no scholar, no writter, and this is my first real attempt at such a thing.

I ask that you be brutaly honest in any review of the story.

Stephen

PS. I'll add the story in the next post.

"You cannot exaggerate about the Marines. They are convinced to the point of arrogance, that they are the most ferocious fighters on earth - and the amusing thing about it is that they are."- Father Kevin Keaney, Chaplain, Korean War

Offline Sirgod

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2008, 02:17:04 am »
   Chapter One:


   Bhutto sat in the darkness. Waiting had never been his forte, as a matter of fact; he was considered a very brash man. However, that leads many to under estimate him, as he was also very cunning. If he was right, all his work would culminate in the project.

A slow sip of Cognac later, the vid phone rings.

“Mr. Bhutto, the word is go.”

   That’s all it took. The weapon he had designed to destroy the planet would be used instead to save it. The great thing about faster then light particles is that they had many properties. While his research had originated, with Ionizing the atmosphere, essentially setting the world on fire, It would in turn be used to create a man made layer to the outer atmosphere. Essentially saving the damned from the solar radiation from the single star system that was destroying the planet.

   The next call was from his Press agent, Max.
‘Boxie, we just got the word. You know the world really wants to know more about the man who is saving the planet. ‘

‘Not now Max,’ Bhutto didn’t want to share his regrets, his hatred for his own kind, let alone why he would save them.

‘Boxie, you can’t keep shutting people out, it’s just not healthy.’ There where two people who called Bhutto Boxie, one was Max, as close a friend as he could ever have, the other was his sister.

   Denza, had been the one thing that kept his fragile grasp of reality in check, she was his conscience for many years, until God decided, not to take her life, but leave her as a vegetable after a terrorist attack. When he thought of the fanatics, he cursed them, and once again decided that sin can only be committed by the living. Might as well kill them all, and save everyone’s souls.

   Instead, Bhutto was going to keep the world alive, and allow them to keep killing each other off, slowly and horribly. Perhaps they deserved it. The gift of the after life should be removed from such insolent people for as long as possible. Besides, who was Bhutto to question the mind of god?

‘Max, the world will think of me what It wants, anything I say, or do won’t influence there opinion, nor should it. ‘

‘Sheesh Boxie, you could have anything in the world right now, and you shun it. You are one stubborn Son of a bitch, you know that? ‘

‘Remember when I won the lottery? People I never even knew decided I was there best friend. All they wanted was a piece of me. Hell, if I hadn’t known you all my life, I probably would have had you shot also.’

‘So, this is a bad time to ask for a raise huh.’ Max said tongue in cheek. Out of everyone, Max always brought a smile to his face.

Ten years ago, Bhutto had won the Global Lottery, when the lottery was first started; it was to help provide funds for a crippled education system. Like any government program, it soon fell to ruin, Over bloating, every f*cking politician had to have there piece.

   Bhutto, took the money, and invested it in numerous ways. One, he opened a private school, and hired the Best theoretical scientists to teach. Second, he opened a private space lane, at Furn Blatts. That with his ownership stock in the Bio polymer industries, allowed him to set up shop on the Moon. The government was unaware of this, However, if the world fell, he would have a secondary outpost from which to live, and plan.

   His single winnings of 384 million had turned him into the worlds first Trillion ire, over the last ten years. There where times though, when he missed the days, of when his wife and him, had operated a small community ranch. Crogals, the once numerous herds that ran across the nation, had died out, when the Government decided to take there food supply, and turn it into fuel. The only thing stronger then his disdain for man, was his disdain for Groups of men.

‘Go to hell, Max.’

Max just chuckled, and hung up. He knew he would not change Bhutto’s mind.


















   Chapter Two.

Max turned to the reporters, and stated the run down of Bhutto’s plans. While it was highly technical, the premise was simple. 12 units would be grav lifted to points around the equator, and when initiated, the FTL particles would create a shield, that would stop 95 % of the suns rays from scorching the planet. Eventually the government would return with there astro mining probes, and have enough material to create solar arrays, to help the Energy problems. As it was, 8% of the world wore Collection suits. The suits converted body heat into Electric power, that was then stored in City batteries. Hell, some families f*cked there brains out, to have more kids, so they could get a check each month, because of there children’s body heat.

‘The plan should be instituted in four days, during that time; everyone will have to take shelter in the cities solar shelters.  You will only be there for 2 days, and yes it will be hard, but we must do this, if we are to survive into the next millennium. ‘

Max always made the crowd feel like they had a part in things. Like it was there choice to save the world. As a press agent goes though, He was more honest then the typical talking heads.

‘Max, what about the Aroginals in the south? You know that with there Shamanistic views on life, they will not go to a shelter.’

Max was dreading this question, but the answer was simple. If they did not go, they would die. Ironically, They where one group that Bhutto could actually stomach for over ten minutes.

‘They will be afforded the same protection available as everyone else. However, if they decide not to go into shelter, then we will not force them. The last thing we need is a repeat of Kratna.’

Kratna was a global storm that had hit 2 years ago. The world government had decided that everyone was to be saved, so they forced people into shelters. Overcrowding soon turned to mass murder, those trying to flee, where shot by the auto guns, What was supposed to be saving the people, turned into an Internment camp, where people where raped and murdered. Had they been left on there own, they would have at least lived or died as free men. But the Nanny state always knows best.

Everyone in the room took a moment of silence. The rumble normally associated with press conferences was quickly shut down. It was Taboo, to speak ill of the government. However, Max had decided that what they can do. If they harm him, Bhutto would simply let the world die. Hellfire, Max still didn’t know why Bhutto even cared about saving this miserable lot of people.

After the whole public affair, Max went home. His wife, had poured him a scotch, and left it by his office chair. Max took a single sip, and sighed. God help us if this doesn’t work. Then again, he had seen Bhutto work miracles before.

12 years ago, Max and Bhutto had walked into an inn, after spending time on Goose Island, Camping hunting and fishing. Back then Bhutto was relaxed. Calm. As soon as they had entered, Bhutto saw a group groping a young girl. Bhutto’s complexion, combined with his Indian heritage, was always visible. Within seconds he looked like an Albino. Some say, all the blood went to his heart, draining from his limbs, by supernatural means, removing his pain. The law was surprised, though that 42 bodies where found that day, and the only fingerprints found on the murder weapon was Bhutto’s. A fire poker, near the Inns fireplace.

Max remembers that day as he takes in the aroma of the scotch. He had never seen such a one sided fight. Perhaps if they had 50. The girl later was married, Bhutto making a rare public appearance, giving her away to some Occidental lad.  No charges had been filed, as no one could believe that one man could take out 42, with a piece of Iron. Thank god he wasn’t armed, as the  .52 cal was in his truck.

Sherry came in to the office. ‘Max you did great at the conference, but remember, you have to be careful. Without Bhutto, those in the loop would be killed.’

Now Max was good in a fight, but even he knew, that Sherry was right. He would release another anecdote about him and Bhutto growing up, if for nothing else to ease the tensions with the press. Hell Bhutto even got a kick out of them sometimes. Max remembered when an old acquaintance tried to make a buck on Bhutto’s name once. He did it once.

Max finished the scotch, and took a long hard look at Sherry. She had aged gracefully, had the same stoic look, as she did when he first looked at her. Those days, she was wearing the partisans Uniform. A true freedom fighter, a shock troop that was at the time endorsed by the world government to react to instances of Civic disorder.

Max took her by the hand, leaving the empty glass on the table. They retired to there sleeping cove, and let Passion consume them.












Chapter Three.

Bhutto had swallowed deep, and let his mind control his agoraphobia. Everyone had demanded he be at Mission control at Furn Blatts, so he had acquiesced one of the few times ever, and made the trip.

The grav lifts launched without any trouble, and went to there designated positions.  Within minutes, the request to engage the FTL device was on the main board. Car l simply looked at Bhutto who gave a nod in the affirmative.

With that, the nod the world changed. The FTL particles did there job. They spread across the ionosphere, and reinforced the shield that in good times would have shielded the world from solar disarray.

The world also went to rust. That means the color of the sky changed to a rust color. Bhutto looked at the monitors, saw that any hope for a Blue sky was over, but mankind would survive.

ON the Vid phone was the President.

‘Bhutto, the world owes you big time. You have given us a fighting chance to live, and we are in your debt. ‘

‘Save your platitudes Mr. President. I did what every human should have been doing. Surviving in this piss poor world.’

No one talked to the President this way, Since the accords of 91, saying that no political party shall speak ill of another political party ( all in the name of fairness), the law had fell to the peons of the world. Bhutto, had removed himself from world politics though, had no party, and as such, could say what he wanted. Besides, Bhutto had little respect for the president, since he had made the choice to become a Eunuch, in order to save him from children. Mistresses had long ago become the purview of most politicians. All this time on the planet, and people still lead with there Genitalia, or lack thereof.

Bhutto called for Max, and they went home.

‘Bhutto, what now? ‘ Max asked.

‘What do you mean Max?’


‘Well, you have saved the world, and I know you, you are goal oriented. I think you have hit the mother f*cker of goals. What’s next?’

‘Max, I just want to get older and die. Besides, it’s time I was reunited with Lindza in the after life.’

Max shut up, and they continued the ride in silence. He knew that Bhutto very rarely spoke of his wife, and when he did, even the accomplishments of saving the world would not heal that dark spot in his chest.

What should have been glorious, was instead a dark and ominess ride of what was to come.


Stephen


















"You cannot exaggerate about the Marines. They are convinced to the point of arrogance, that they are the most ferocious fighters on earth - and the amusing thing about it is that they are."- Father Kevin Keaney, Chaplain, Korean War

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2008, 12:40:40 pm »
My initial impression of this is good (grammar and such aside, so as not to outrage the Guv  ;D). I'll give a far more detailed response later though. Pressed for time now, but I just wanted to let you know I'd read it.
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Offline Sirgod

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2008, 02:53:00 pm »
Thanks Andy, Yeah I need to work on Grammer something awefull.

Stephen
"You cannot exaggerate about the Marines. They are convinced to the point of arrogance, that they are the most ferocious fighters on earth - and the amusing thing about it is that they are."- Father Kevin Keaney, Chaplain, Korean War

Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2008, 05:46:28 pm »
I've often wondered how the voice system would handle most grammar issues. I also figured writing with one would be a spelling nightmare. Is it?

Anywho, while I remain unsure as to the particulars of this story, I can say I'm initially impressed. Both with the program and the story itself.

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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2008, 08:02:26 pm »
Definitely off to an interesting start, Stephen.  Can't wait to see more.

When do the shirtless Okies in hula skirts on tractors show up?
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
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Offline KOTH-KieranXC, Ret.

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2008, 08:33:03 pm »
My sentiments echo those spoken above. Very solid for a first effort, Stephen. I would encourage you to continue.

A couple things I noticed: There were a couple points in the prose when you mixed present and past tense. It's better to go with one or the other; mixing tenses can be disorienting. There's a few other minor things, but I'll leave a more indepth critique to Andy; it's more his style than mine. ;D

All in all, very impressive for a first effort; I'd daresay it's better than my first foray into Trek fiction.
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Offline Sirgod

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2008, 12:16:53 am »
Thanks guys, I really do Appreciate the feedback. Using a mic, can be problematic, as I tend to talk in run on sentances. I had to do a few edits by Keyboard. The hard part is, It's been years, hell Decades since I had to write anything outside of a christmas letter. Trying to recall all those rules is difficult to say the least.

Interesting view on the Tenses part. I hadn't considered that. Anyways, Thanks again for the assistance. I appreciate it.

Stephen the Dyslexic.

"You cannot exaggerate about the Marines. They are convinced to the point of arrogance, that they are the most ferocious fighters on earth - and the amusing thing about it is that they are."- Father Kevin Keaney, Chaplain, Korean War

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2008, 04:44:21 pm »
Howdy;

That's a very interesting start.  Keeps the attention.  Doesn't drag on and on.   

I get the idea this fella has been bitter for a LONG time: sister a vegetable, wife gone, and hates seeing people taken advantage of.  The folks around him are part of the system around him.  Somewhat loyal to him, but not necessarily his ideas.

Press on!

Mike

Offline Czar Mohab

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2008, 07:20:09 pm »
It looks good so far; and I don't have much to add more than what has been said already.

I'm going to pass the "final review" buck over to Andy, and gladly fill in the blanks after he's done. He's usually pretty thorough, so may not get to say much.

Of note, your program does need to learn the difference between there, they're and their. One limitation of software, I suppose.

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Offline Sirgod

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2009, 01:15:15 pm »
Ok, here I try again, to continue this idea here. Please bear with me, as I test my wings.



Chapter Four

Planet Camille New year 3089.

        Tran was about to address the Sacrosanct. Today marked the 1200th anniversary of The splendid recruitment of the Degenerates. 

   The Camillians had long ago discovered, that with practice, what ever they imagined, they could create. It took time, as for an example, Creating something as simple as the Octoboard, the commonly used method of entering information, Required hundreds of people, one person for separate component. Once each piece was imagined, It was put together by one of a few Master Creationist.

   There ability to control there imaginations where instilled upon them at a very early age, and in this last century, treatments had been imagined to start practice of self thought control while there young where still in the womb.

   But for all there great Glory under two suns, the planet would always have Degenerates. Instead of being shunned , The Degenerates where given reverent status, and placed in Stasis. They where the ones, that no matter how hard they tried, would get a stray thought. They where unable to not imagine a scenario, and rarely it ended with disastrous results.

   1200 years ago, The great prophesy was handed down by Grand thinker Mosterbus. In his great wisdom, He had decried that the Degenerates, must be saved, as the time will come when a great catastrophe would come across there planet, shaking every thing that they knew.

   From that day forward, Any and all degenerates who where located where placed in stasis. There they lived a wonderful, if not artificial life. Over the centuries, there where fewer and fewer of them, But in there hearts, the people knew , that one day they would have to call upon them.





   Tran looked out over the fine people of Camille.

   “As always, it is with a heavy heart, that we remember the Degenerates, and there Life long sacrifice that they have made for our world.”

   He almost looked like he was crying, but if pressed, everyone knew, that This was more pomp and circumstance, then anything. There had not been any crises ever requiring the Degenerates help.

   “One day, we hope to Imagine a means to help them with the control of there minds. Our top thinkers are always imagining new ways to counter there horrid independent thought. We will not stop, until we are able to release them from there own mental prisons, so that they can be of value to our society.”

   On the last word, the second sun Rose above the Dias, illuminating the always Brilliant worl of light and peace.

   That is when all hell broke loose.
      
   The sky split asunder, as Electrical storms swept across Camille. Never in there thoughtful history had they seen such a thing. The most stalwart amongst them buried there fear, and immediately imagined mark 12 protection domes over the crowd.

   The population never before having felt panic, looked to the sky in awe. Such magnificent Beauty had never been thought of.       

   43% of the  worlds population died that day.

Chapter Five.

      Two weeks had passed, and the medithinkers had managed to save Tran.

   Tran at first felt shame, as he was unable to fathom the disorientation that had held him at bay for so long. Dr. Thame had decided to remove his thought processes until his staff had imagined a means to cure his wounds. Being without thought, had Left Tran in terra incognito for a long time.

   “How you felling Traneson? “ Dr Thame asked.

   Tran focused his eyes, and brought his mind to bear. “I am alive, and well Master Thame.”

   After a slight pause, Tran inquired. “How many...”

   “12 billion, with an estimated 30 billion future loss.”

   Degenerate day was the one day that they lowered there defenses, in order to procreate. The loss of potential Future citizens was staggering.

   “Get me my advisers. I want to know what the hell just happened.”



















Chapter Six.

      Bhutto was one who knew not surprise or Bewilderment. This made the armada Attacking somewhat odd. They had appeared exactly two years to the day that he had put up his shield. He knew there was no such thing as coincidence, as he barked out an order.

   “Max, Bring me a scotch.”

   Max was surprised that even Bhutto could take such a thing in stride. They had fought wars together, Avenged and murdered in many names, but an attack from the stars was something new for both of them.

   “Here you insufferable bastard. “ Max exclaimed passing him a snifter.

   Bhutto as normal ignored the obvious anxiety shown by Max.

   “Look at those ships. They are perfect. In symmetry even. Not even off by a Micron. “

   Max stood fast, letting Bhutto continue.

   “The technology needed to create such a thing borders on the miraculous. I can't even imagine the workshops needed to Build such a marvel.”

   This was as exited as Max had seen Boxie in years.

   “Yeah, crazy isn't it. All that power and they destroy.” Max remarked under his breath.

   “Prepare the incursion ship, we are heading to Luna. Give your family 20 minutes. Say your goodbyes, and let's go to work.”

   The planet was dying but Max knew that they where not running. No they where preparing a counter attack, as soon as they figured out who and where they would attack.

--------------

Stephen
"You cannot exaggerate about the Marines. They are convinced to the point of arrogance, that they are the most ferocious fighters on earth - and the amusing thing about it is that they are."- Father Kevin Keaney, Chaplain, Korean War

Offline Sirgod

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2009, 07:31:11 am »
No good?

I'm trying my best to set up a universe where Left is right ,and right is left, and Both decry anarchy?

O know my earlier Story sucked, But please give me feedback on the latest post. Good bad, I want to know.

I am trying to set up a world, where I can place many side stories, while completing the story of Earth, from an alternat demension.

Stephen

PS. The other sun was Jupiter.
"You cannot exaggerate about the Marines. They are convinced to the point of arrogance, that they are the most ferocious fighters on earth - and the amusing thing about it is that they are."- Father Kevin Keaney, Chaplain, Korean War

Offline Andromeda

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #12 on: September 17, 2009, 01:20:44 pm »
The Camille thing is odd.  Don't know what to make of it yet.  The Bhutto side of things is fascinating and I can't wait to hear more. 

Your program has problems with word that sound alike and commas.  Run the finished document through a grammar checker.  That's the only negative I have.

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Offline Sirgod

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Re: Bhutto.
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2009, 09:23:25 pm »
Will do, thanks Andromeda.

Stephen
"You cannot exaggerate about the Marines. They are convinced to the point of arrogance, that they are the most ferocious fighters on earth - and the amusing thing about it is that they are."- Father Kevin Keaney, Chaplain, Korean War