Topic: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser  (Read 6650 times)

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Offline KOTH-KieranXC, Ret.

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Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« on: November 23, 2007, 01:35:48 am »
After another long hiatus, I'm back! I've decided to reassess my project priorities and try taking on a solo project or two while I wait for S'Tasik's and my schedules to realign once again. Thus, the existence of what lies before you. Haven will hopefully end up being a series detailing Kieran's two years on the Belknap-class strike cruiser Haven, immediately prior to his command of the frigate Cyane, which has been alluded to in Midnight on the Firing Line and may end up as a series of its own, when this one is finished.

I must stress, however, that this is not the start of the story proper. This is just a teaser, as the title implies. This is as far as I've gotten so far, although I do have the story itself planned out and will be working on it as I can. The teaser itself will be reposted, likely in an altered form depending on any feedback I received, with the first chapter of the story itself.

Until then, enjoy(and please comment on) this preview! (EDIT: I'd particularly like to hear opinions on the ending, specifically how you think I handled Kieran's reaction. I initially toyed with not showing it at all and fading to black right there. Let me know which one you like better.)
"One minute to space doors."

"Are you just going to walk through them?"

"Calm yourself, Doctor."

Offline KOTH-KieranXC, Ret.

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2007, 01:38:09 am »
STAR TREK: HAVEN


Episode 1 - “Redeemer”


---------------------------------------


On May 30, 2283, Klingon

forces invaded the Federation

for the first time since the

Four Years War.


Later dubbed the Taal Tan

Offensive, this six month conflict

would go on to cause thousands

of deaths and the destruction

of several dozen Federation

starships.


---------------------------------------

Somewhere near Star Station Indus
16 October 2283



Lieutenant Commander Kieran Forester was quickly learning why the captain’s chair was the loneliest place on a starship. He was trapped in an eternity of waiting. Waiting, watching, listening. Stars streaked by on the viewscreen as the bridge crew, conspicuously silent, worked with hushed urgency.

Klingon bastards. It was the only coherent thought among what seemed like thousands rushing through his mind. They had suckered him. The first attack group had disguised themselves - poorly - as a sensor echo near the local asteroid field. Astrad had left its charge to investigate... and with the Enterprise-class cruiser distracted, a second squadron warped in a few minutes later and attacked Indus, who had sent a panicked distress call to its wayward protector. Kieran had fought off an attempt by his quarry to engage him and delay his return, then ordered an immediate course reversal, but it likely wouldn’t matter. The station had nothing else that could hold off a Klingon assault, and its own defense systems were nothing special. It was an economic hub, not a military station. Most of the motley arrangement of ships still docked at the station were part of a convoy due for departure later that day, and the few Starfleet ships on station besides Astrad were either damaged or had no place in fleet combat.

Captain Shekev had been on-station when the 'sensor ghost' appeared. Their conversation still burned in his mind. ”The station is on yellow alert,” he’d said. “Whatever it is out there has the convoy commanders scared. Captain Jensen asked me to stay and help coordinate things here until we can calm them down, so you’ve got command.” Thus, Forester had taken the Astrad to the system's asteroid field to find the cause of the anomalous readings. He’d managed that, if nothing else. As the ship approached the asteroid field, three B'rel-class ships had streaked out of the asteroid field and attacked. Kieran had been more than willing to indulge their obvious desire for a fight... so willing, in fact, that he hadn't stopped to think about why they were there at all in the first place.

At least, not until they received the static-filled distress call from the station.

”Astrad, this is Indus… A second Klingon force… come out of warp… attacked …. Shields holding, but… fluctuating… Tamerlane and …. damaged... our... can’t hold out … longer..."

Upon hearing mention of a second group of attackers, Forester’s face had whitened in horror as he realized with blazing clarity how he'd been had. His suddenly weak knees kept him standing just long enough for him to order Lieutenant Fox at the helm to reverse course to the station, maximum warp. Thanks to his own foolish arrogance and itchy trigger finger, he'd left thousands of innocents and Starfleet personnel vulnerable, prostate before a rapacious Klingon attack force.

“Sir, we’re approaching the station.” Lieutenant Fox’s announcement sounded like a gunshot on the deathly quiet bridge. Kieran’s heart immediately started pounding in his ears.

“Bring us out of warp, Lieutenant. Mister Nirkami, ready all weapons. Be ready to lock onto any targets of opportunity.” The voice was his, but he couldn’t remember his lips forming the words. Odd. At least he’d kept his voice from cracking. The last thing he needed now was for his crew to sense the fear that had gripped his mind. He hadn't been on Astrad long - he'd transferred over from Menahga only a few short weeks ago. The crew didn't know him yet, which meant they didn't trust him yet, and like dogs, crews had an uncanny nose for fear in those who commanded them.

"Sir, I'm reading seven Klingon vessels of various types attacking the station and surrounding ships." To Forester's right sounded a new voice - Lieutenant Leskat, Astrad's science officer. "Wait... Sir, the Klingons are coming about. Looks like they're withdrawing, Commander."

Withdrawing? What? You can't do that. Stay and fight me, you god damned Klingon cowards! "And the base, Lieutenant?" The commander's voice had fallen into a hushed monologue, as though he didn't really want to know the answer, but knew he had to ask the question. "The other ships?"  The answer to that question he dreaded even more than the answer to the first.

The viewscreen blinked, and an image of the base and its surrounding crowd of ships appeared on the screen. The station itself had been heavily scarred by disruptor fire, and it appeared to be leaning slightly off kilter. "The station's shields are holding at thirty-nine percent; they've taken several hits to the hull. Main power is fluctuating, and it appears several of the station's stabilizers are offline." She looked from her instruments to the image on the screen. “The bastards sure did a number on her, Commander.”

"Don't editorialize, Leskat," Kieran growled. This time, he couldn't keep a slight tremor out of his voice as he chastised the younger officer. He certainly didn’t need to be reminded of the obvious… and the barely discernable edge of recrimination in the lieutenant’s voice reminded him what had permitted the attackers to do said number on the station in the first place. Finally  “Ensign Makoan--” - this to the communications officer -  “--get me the station.” To himself, he added sotto voce, “See how badly the turtleheads’ve hurt us now.”
 
"A moment, sir..." rumbled the tri-limbed Edoan. "There's a lot of interference from other transmissions..."
 
"Then use the priority channel," snapped Commander Forester. "That's what it's bloody well there for." His face flushed with guilt as soon as the words escaped his lips; the current chaos certainly wasn't Makoan's fault. He sighed, but made no apology as he waited.
 
"Sir, I have the station commander on priority channel. On screen." Makoan spoke again, after a long silence. On the viewscreen appeared the image of a haggard looking Starfleet captain, his grey hair streaked with soot and blood dripping from a cut on his face. His dull features spoke wordlessly to the furious destruction and carnage he had witnessed within the space of only a few minutes.
 
"Commander Forester, glad to see you back." His tone matched his expression - dull and exhausted. "Good thing you showed up when you did... we couldn't take much more."
 
Looking at the smoky metallic hell that provided the background, Kieran had trouble finding his voice. He stood, silently, in front of the chair - after what he'd done, he couldn't bring himself to call it his chair - for several moments before he found words. "Captain Jansen, I-- If I'd known they would--" The jumbled sentences spilled from his mouth, to be replaced just as quickly by shamed silence.
 
"They made fools of both of us, Lieutenant Commander. No one here ordered Astrad not to investigate the asteroid field." It wasn't a It's not your fault, but Kieran wouldn't have believed Jansen anyway, had he said as much. "It's a moot point anyway... there's nothing to be done about it now. At least we kept the base in one piece." He sighed. "Although we could use your assistance in search and rescue, Commander."
 
"Aye, sir. If I may, though, Captain, speak with Captain Shekev?"
 
Captain Jensen raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Apologies, Commander, I forgot you wouldn't have known. Captain Shekev was wounded during the battle." Kieran sighed, and his head slumped resignedly. "He was in a shuttle bay when a torpedo strike caused an explosive decompression in the bay. He made it to a shuttle, but he took several pieces of shrapnel and nearly suffocated. He's in our infirmary now. The prognosis isn't good, but our doctors are the best in the sector. If he's to be saved, they'll do it."
 
"Thank you, Captain," Kieran replied grimly. "I'll have Astrad join search and rescue operations."
 
"Very well, Commander. Starbase 29, out."
 
As Jensen described the incident that had nearly claimed the captain, a soft murmur slowly rose among the bridge crew, and they passed uneasy looks amongst each other. Most of them, notably, had studiously avoided turning their gaze in the direction of the center seat. The ones that had had quickly glanced at him; the emotions poorly disguised in their expressions were varied, but none of them could have been called sympathetic or supportive. Mostly, though, Forester saw little save the backs of each bridge crewman.
 
I've lost them.
 
The realization turned Kieran's stomach, but he had other things even closer to his heart to deal with. "Mister Leskat... I believe you were halfway through a report."
 
"Yes sir," came the flat, monotonous reply. "I'm not detecting Mohawk in the area; there's a debris cloud five thousand kilometers off the port side of the station that would be consistent with the remains of a Renner-class corvette. Dunkerque is a wreck; she's missing a nacelle and I'm reading flames and hull breaches on several decks. Ianar and Tamerlane are heavily damaged-- Ianar's lost her shields and sensors, and I'm reading fluctuations in Tamerlane's power grid-- but they remain under their own power."
 
"Get me Tamerlane, Makoan. Now." Another smoke and spark filled ruin filled the viewscreen, this time with a leonine Efrosian wearing lieutenant's insignia in the foreground.
 
"Tamerlane, Lieutenant Ra-kamnaa. What is it,Astrad, we're up to our heads here-- "
 
"Lieutenant, I need to speak with Katrin. Now." He spoke with an urgency born of panic, as his searching eyes saw no sign of a familiar face among the officers working in the background. He stood, taking several steps toward the viewscreen, and frantically looked for anyone that might have been her.
 
Confusion warred with exhaustion on the alien's face. "Sir?"
 
"Lieutenant Heidrich. My wife. I need to speak with her. Please, Lieutenant."
 
"I-- I'm sorry, Commander. She was in auxiliary control when we were hit amidships by a Klingon disruptor volley. There were no survivors in that section.
 
"She's dead, sir."

 
Kieran never felt his knees buckle. He never felt himself falling backward-- until a sickly detached corner of his mind noted he was again seated, badly shaking hands trying and failing to grip his armrests. His terror-stricken mind whirled as his life, in one horribly surreal moment, came crashing down around him.
 
Käthe…
« Last Edit: December 02, 2007, 07:55:21 pm by Kapitän Kieran »
"One minute to space doors."

"Are you just going to walk through them?"

"Calm yourself, Doctor."

Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2007, 01:59:50 am »
Good to see the Klingons didn't shoot Kieran's dog too. [inside joke]

From what I'd originally been told, this scene could have and might have been meant to turn out far 'bloodier'. I'm glad you toned down the woe-factor if that was indeed your original intent. I like how you decided to go with it. As I mentioned on IM [just minutes ago] I really like the little teaser thingy before the Chapter started. Very 1st Episode DS9/VOY. Gave it that impetus that let you know that something serious is about to happen.

This could have been written to surprise the reader, not letting them find out WHO was on that ship till after he hailed them. I think that might have struck a different nerve for the reader, rather than the 'He mentioned her, she's dead-meat'-nerve. That's about my only critique about any of the delivery.

I'm wondering the purpose of the Klingon raid. Also wondering why the first force did not turn back and tie up the Astrad and give the second wave time to finish/cause more havok. Might not have been necessary if the second wave had already accomplished its goal, whatever it turns out to have been.

I wish more!

--thu guv!!
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'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2007, 02:15:41 am »
You have definitely worked on pacing.  Your older stories unfolded at a very leisurely pace, whereas this one, the action was flowing all the way through the chapter.

The slight edits you did do seem to make the chapter a tad stronger, and the news of his wife's death comes as a bit more of a surprise without the obvious redshirt foreshadowing. ;D  I know that the raid itself is not the main crux of the story, though I'm actually curious of it's purpose -- even if it was general destruction -- now that we've seen the aftermath.  Me snarling demands for more detail is usually a good sign. :laugh:

Edit in reaction to your edit:  I like the change in the last couple of paragraphs.  But then I suggested it, so I'd guess you knew that.
« Last Edit: November 23, 2007, 02:45:20 am by Commander La'ra »
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2007, 02:48:02 am »
Excellent edit!

--guv!
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline KOTH-KieranXC, Ret.

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2007, 11:02:10 am »
Major thanks to both of you for the input, much appreciated. :D
"One minute to space doors."

"Are you just going to walk through them?"

"Calm yourself, Doctor."

Offline Czar Mohab

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2007, 09:51:04 pm »
Haven't followed yet into your previous story lines. But, this might be enough to persuade me to go looking for them (There is ALOT of old stuff on this board, I don't have so much time to read them all, so please take no offense). I feel, however, that this could easily be a great stand alone.

Sounds to me like the Klingons were mostly out to make trouble. A hit and run raid, if you will. I see it as their goal was to just do as much damage as possible and get out, perhaps to disrupt trade, eliminate a key ship, unleash general disorder, or an attack just for fun. Had their goal been, say, to destroy the station, the timely return of just one ship shouldn't have scared them off, since most likely their first fleet would be right behind; and they'd persue their goal to the end. The purpose behind the raid might be told later, but in all honesty, do the 'turtleheads' really need a reason?

I'm interested to see how your toon handles the death of ol' wifey.

Also very interested in the non-teaser version, which of course, must be followed with more ;)

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Offline KOTH-KieranXC, Ret.

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2007, 10:36:13 pm »
Thanks for the comments, Czar. No offense taken - I'm such a sporadic writer that there's really not much of my stuff out there. :) The only other Kieran stories out there that I still consider part of my canon are the incomplete Midnight on the Firing Line(a collaboration between myself and S'Tasik, taking place several years after this story), as well as the two Interludes I've posted so far(basically stand alone vignettes).

You hit it pretty much on the nose about the Klingons - this takes place during a limited Klingon offensive into Federation space that spans several months. Their intent isn't to conquer, just to trash some Federation infrastructure. And no, most Klingons wouldn't need a reason. :D (My reason as the author for this attack was mainly as a plot device. :D )

I'm working on Chapter 1 at the moment, which will show Kieran three years later, still trying to cope with wifey's death and simultaneously trying to find a way to jumpstart his now-stalled career. Of course, something will likely find him. ;)

"One minute to space doors."

"Are you just going to walk through them?"

"Calm yourself, Doctor."

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #8 on: November 26, 2007, 09:48:20 pm »
Hi Kieran,

As pledged, here is my belated response. Overall impression: well written, though maybe a bit heavy on the anti-Klingon sentiment. Though, after 5 months of intense border skirmishes this may be the prevalent attitude. I enjoyed it, and it's always nice seeing 'Ships of the Star Fleet' get a featuring role by another author, even if you do use some of the parts I don't. :D

Okay, it is the striking of the Red Hour. Pedant time!

These next comments are solely on my own frame of reference, and likely will mean nothing to anyone else. Still, I am The Pedant! Hear me Bore!
Starbase 29: in the novel Prime Directive, SB29 is on the far side of the Frederation from the Rom and Klingon Empires. You could use my own Klingon border starbases of 20, 22, or 24, or the more rear Klingon area bases of 2, 6, or 12.
USS Astrad: According to 'SotSF', the Astrad is an unrefitted Achernar class ship. Modern deflector, old engines and hull. In my (and I now know, yours too) STU, I have all my Constitutions refitted to movie appearance - with the possible exceptions of a couple of vessels for training.
Also, Aux Con is at the heart of the saucer, around where Sickbay is. A hit that takes Aux Con out is a mortal blow indeed, chewing through many, many decks and rooms. May want to put her in the Emergency bridge or the Sensory on the bottom of the saucer.

Now for the more important and relevant editorial comments.
Quote
Klingon bastards. It was the only coherent thought among what seemed like thousands rushing through his mind. They had suckered him.
He's basically cursing them for being smarter than him. A Human failing, to be sure. Shows his youth and inexperience at command. If he's the XO, maybe he hasn't been in the position long enough?
I really like the comment from the Astrad's captain. A believable reason for him not being aboard. Good job.
Quote
Lieutenant Fox’s announcement sounded like a gunshot on the deathly quiet bridge.
I know you're telling this to a 20th Century audience, but it is being told by a Starship XO. Would a 23rd century starship crew know the sound of a gunshot? Or at least be familiar enough with it to use the analogy? You may want to try using 23rd-century analogies, like a photon grenade or something.
Quote
The station's shields are holding at thirty-nine percent...
Yet she's off kilter and disruptor-scarred? Seems a pretty high level. They must be pretty crappy shields, or low power shields.
Excellent! You've used the chronically underused Edoans! I love adding them into my crew. Good job.
Quote
It wasn't a It's not your fault, but Kieran wouldn't have believed Jansen anyway, had he said as much.
I also like this. I learned that no superior ever apologises to a subordinate if they can avoid it. This is also a good comment as most assuredly Forester is to blame, but saying so won't make matters better and as Jensen says, he did get permission.
Are you saying that Star Station Indus is Starbase 29? Why have the different titles? Picard used Star Station designations too, as well as "Starbase Lya" I believe. This just confused me for a bit. I thought Star Station Indus was a smaller base in Starbase 29's jurisdiction.
I like that he's picking up on the bridge crew blaming him for the wrecking of the station and the injuries to their 'real' captain. It could just be guilt-induced paranoia, but all it takes is one big failure to ruin someone's confidence in you as a leader.
Hmmm... that gives me an idea for the Rom XO in my other story. THAT'S why Weaps and the crew have no respect for her! Excellent. Muchos thanksos, Kieran. I have a new plot element!
But back to your story. *Pauses*. Nope, I was done with that. ;D
Quote
His terror-stricken mind whirled...
I'm not sure 'terror' is such a great word here. I'm thinking 'grief' would be more appropriate - unless you care to explain the reason for his terror?

The Guv wrote:
Quote
This could have been written to surprise the reader, not letting them find out WHO was on that ship till after he hailed them.
I guess I'm reading the re-written version, as that is exactly what I read there. I'm glad this is so, as this version definitely hits harder for you not knowing the reason for his worry over the ships and his need to call the Tamerlane. This is exactly the kind of revision I'd have advised. Top marks for the Guv - and apparently Larry too.

This story was indeed fast-paced, but since it wasn't a chapter and only a single scene, he could do so. Admittedly. I never really found Kieran's earlier stories to be lacking for pace. Maybe this was 'faster' as opposed to your earlier stuff being 'more leisurely'. Not much in the way of character to go on, but what there was was solid. Kieran's actions and reactions to the crew and situation showed us a little of what kind of person he is. No one else got much of any development, so nothing to comment on there.

Overall grade: A. Also - and I'm sure the Guv will be devastated to find out - I didn't notice any typos, grammatical errors (though I am tired), and definitely no wrong words used. A+ on technical skills too!

« Last Edit: November 26, 2007, 10:00:40 pm by Scottish Andy »
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #9 on: November 26, 2007, 11:36:49 pm »
Yes, this version is better than the first one I read. That lil' fix made it better. Also has me going through my own crap to look for similar...

I'm so very much looking forward to more of this.

--guv!!
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline Czar Mohab

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2007, 12:30:04 am »
Oh, no! K-Fo! You've been Andy'd!

Well, I don't think you'd mind some Czar-mic Retribution, would you?*

Tac Officer: Incoming... Kilted Maple leaf..?
K-Fo: Damn that Andyman. Helm, get us out of here!
Helm: Not responding!
K-Fo: Damn. Better jettison the special cargo
Tac: But sir! Its supposed to be...
K-Fo: I know, but its the only thing that will keep him busy while we slip away.
Tac: Launching Horrible Grammar Filled 3rd, 4th, and 5th Grade Ungraded[/u] Essays and Short Stories Based on Star Trek
, sir! Target is slowing... altering course for the cargo!
K-Fo: Guess we'll just have to give the children of Orphania Three all passing grades. Good work, team!

Andy: Curse you K-Fo! You know my only weakness is correcting horrible grammar contained in Star Trek related material! Whats this!? You numb-skulled child! The Enterprise only has two nacelles! Oh look! One from a kid named Guv Jr.! this should be good...



All kidding aside, Andy and K-Fo (and Guv), there's nothing writen (that I can see) in this piece that isn't believable or broken Trek. Andy, I always love looking over your thoughts on people's works, and I love trying to figure out if I can prove it right or wrong. I have to side with K-Fo's story as is, since I can justify in my mind some of the parts you mentioned as not flowing or bad or whatever your intent was with each. I'll sumarize:

Its K-Fo's Universe. In the KFU, what K-Fo says, goes.

Besides, I kinda like the idea of an invincable starbase being slammed but not sacked; a stray shot taking out the Aux Con without taking the whole ship (or E-Bridge if it gets edited. Gives me the jibblies thinking about WHAT could have done that).

K-Fo: Its your world, write what you know is right for you, and you'll always have me reading!

Czar "I know K-Fo can do it himself, I didn't see him on yet," Mohab

P.S. Seriously, Andy, I love your reviews. Almost always gives a good laugh, at least one "Oh, didn't see that," and usually a more Andy-proofed next part.

*No insults were intended in the compilation of this posting[/color]
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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2007, 08:44:19 am »
Quote
Also, Aux Con is at the heart of the saucer, around where Sickbay is. A hit that takes Aux Con out is a mortal blow indeed, chewing through many, many decks and rooms. May want to put her in the Emergency bridge or the Sensory on the bottom of the saucer.

In the vagaries of battle, anything is possible.  Especially on a small ship, where 'deep inside the hull' really isn't so very deep.  Besides, there's no real data presented on how they died...might not've been the result of a disruptor strike actually blowing into the room.

Quote
Yet she's off kilter and disruptor-scarred? Seems a pretty high level. They must be pretty crappy shields, or low power shields.

Perhaps the KfSTU ( ;D) uses the option SFB 'leaky shields' rule, where some small amount of damage leaks through despite the shielding.  This is consistent with many scenes in TOS and the movies...the ships take damage when shooting at each other, but the shields prevent the utter mauling you get when they're not present, which can be seen in TWOK.

Star Trek VI, for instance, the Big E takes notable damage before her shields collapse, and the Excelsior sustains a bit too despite being fresh and fully shielded.

In TNG, also, this happened in a couple of episodes.  Look at the Enterprise-D the wrong way, and her starboard power coupling went down.  Lowest bidder got that contract, it seems.
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #12 on: November 27, 2007, 08:57:33 am »
Czar, that was pretty funny. :)

Yes, I am well aware of the "leaky shield" SFB rule. I actually agree with it, too. Like I said though, for a ship to be so very badly mauled with the shields still so high... Eh. Like Czar says, this is your STU and your rules... well, rule.

I do hope you know I am not just nitpicking for the sake of finding fault... well, maybe in my Red Hour section. ;D  Pedant describes that perfectly. I hope my "up" comments and actual constructive criticism outweigh any narkiness I may present or defensive hackles I may raise.

Do unto others... hmm... how would I feel if I was Andyproofed? Main section I would not mind, just possibly feel the need to explain/justify my choices before The Great and Powerful Editor. ;D The Red Hour stuff... yeah, I'd probably tell 'im to stuff it. It is not K-Fo Universe specific, so is just me showing off.

A lesson in humility, Gentlemen (and Andromeda, and Larry ;D)! I shall take it under advisement.
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Offline KOTH-KieranXC, Ret.

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #13 on: November 27, 2007, 04:18:04 pm »
Andy, if I hadn't wanted the story Andy-proofed, I wouldn't have pestered you to comment. Keep doin' what you're doin', man, I appreciate the effort and thought you obviously put into your reply. ;D

Addressing some of the stuff you mentioned:

The Starbase 29/Star Station Indus thing was purely a typo on my part. The 29 reference was a late addition, to tell the reader right away where the action was taking place... and I'd forgotten I'd already mentioned Indus. ;) It's been corrected.

As for the damage to the station... As I figure it, since the goal of the raid was to cause as much damage as possible in as little time as possible, the Klingons would have concentrated their fire on a single shield, in order to knock it down quickly and start ripping up the station as quickly as they could. Thus, they could very well have caused major damage to the station while still not completely knocking out her shields.

The Tamerlane is a Saladin-refit class destroyer; as such, there's not really a whole lot of her that's deep inside any kind of hull. ;) I figured a heavy disruptor volley amidships on an unshielded side could do the kind of damage I describe - although it's very likely that it would have had to be an exceptional shot by the Klingon gunner or simply a freak occurence.

And I'm glad if anything I've written has given you ideas for your own stuff. Hearing that sort of thing from my fellow talented authors on this board makes my day. ;D

For the Czar -

Many thanks for the compliments, and that opening bit was priceless. That "Czar-mic Retribution" line had me cracking up laughing. :lol:

And finally, for a Chapter 1 update -

Work is progressing, albeit slowly. I'm hoping to have the full first part posted this weekend. Stay tuned. ;D
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #14 on: November 27, 2007, 07:04:08 pm »
 :laugh:

Loved the part about Guv Jr.  I cackled so loud it woke the wife at the other end of the house.

I await more of this!

Get to work. Ignore real life, go AWOL. Just write.

--thu guv!
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Offline Andromeda

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #15 on: November 27, 2007, 11:22:51 pm »
I don't have much to add at this point.  Poor guy, this Forrester fella. 

As for the station still standing: the Klingons seem to have put in an awful lot of effort to not get a tangible kaboom out of it.  One, maybe two diversionary fleets to distract the cruiser - is that from the other ST game besides SFB?  I could see a Klingon fleet running from one of them - is an awfully large resource just to do some damage.   
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #16 on: November 28, 2007, 07:25:23 pm »
I agreed originally that this was a large force for such an attack, especially when the Kapitan began laying numbers on me on IM. But then, if your wanted to commit this sort of raid, one where the only people to lose ANYTHING is the Federation, and thusly, NOT you... THEN I could see so many ships being used. On the same token, though, they really didn't seem to get much out of it. The base remains, only a handful of ships destroyed or damaged. Perhaps it was not as sucessful as the Empire had hoped. This is for the writer to decide.

--guv!
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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #17 on: November 29, 2007, 12:00:44 am »
Large numbers of smaller ships...small enough that a single cruiser would be a threat to several of them...would be a classic Klingon-style expendable raiding force.
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Offline kadh2000

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #18 on: December 05, 2007, 02:18:50 pm »
ya know, at Fed HQ somewhere, there are three Admirals sitting around trying to figure out why the Klingons didn't destroy the station.  Which is exactly why they didn't destroy the station.  Next time, the Feds won't be as sure of Klingon goals, so developing a response to this sort of incident gets a little harder.  Kaos Inc. strikes again!
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Offline KOTH-KieranXC, Ret.

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Re: Star Trek: Haven - Episode 1 Teaser
« Reply #19 on: December 06, 2007, 08:51:08 am »
Revised ETA for the story proper: after finals, unfortunately. Schoolwork's a bitch. ;D
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