Topic: LOL, Lizards.

[Sirgod]

I just got this Email from a good friend up in Canada. Anway, Laska is always funny, but this story just takes the cake, and I had to share it with you all here.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy
is of her womb, for G~d's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . .

Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just
the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . .
I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . "
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs! 

I know Indy will love this one.

Stephen

[Panzergranate]

I took our pet Crow to the vets, 3 years ago, and the receptionist (a young blonde bimbo obviously ) asked what type of bird it was.

I told her that it was a Black Parrot and she could recognise Black Parrots becuase they have a larger pecker than other Parrots.

So, after 10 minutes, the vet comes out and asks the receptionist who was next.

Shes says, quote, "The and here with the Black Parrot". She added, "It has a bigger pecker than normal Parrots".

He glances at the Crow and just had that expression of "dumkopf" when he looked at the receptionist.

[Sirgod]

I took our pet Crow to the vets, 3 years ago, and the receptionist (a young blonde bimbo obviously ) asked what type of bird it was.

I told her that it was a Black Parrot and she could recognise Black Parrots becuase they have a larger pecker than other Parrots.

So, after 10 minutes, the vet comes out and asks the receptionist who was next.

Shes says, quote, "The and here with the Black Parrot". She added, "It has a bigger pecker than normal Parrots".

He glances at the Crow and just had that expression of "dumkopf" when he looked at the receptionist.

LOL, ok that one had me in stitches Panzer.

Stephen

[IndyShark]

I have never heard of that before!

It reminds me of a story. My daughter has a small lizard. It likes to eat crickets. We were cleaning his cage and my daughter asked Mom to hold her lizard. Well, there was a hair hanging out of his mouth and she was afraid he would choke on it so she pulled it out of his mouth. It wasn't a hair. It was a half digested cricket. Which landed on my wife's lap. She screamed. Loudly. for a LONG time.

I ran into the room assuming someone was trying to kill her. I hurt myself laughing at her.

[kmelew]

The lizard is a bad animal...

[Sirgod]

I wish I had a camera for you guys. I've been busting my ass out here at the ranch, getting stuff cleaned up for some horses I got coming in.

Anyways, the other day, I saw a corn snake, that had a pygmi Rattler's tale hanging out of it's mouth. The good snake just gobbled him right up.I wish I could have shared a pic with you all.

Stephen

[Nemesis]

I took our pet Crow to the vets, 3 years ago, and the receptionist (a young blonde bimbo obviously ) asked what type of bird it was.

I told her that it was a Black Parrot and she could recognise Black Parrots becuase they have a larger pecker than other Parrots.

Years ago my parents bought a poodle because it was deformed and the breeder was going to kill it (short legs as well as black and white colouring).  We didn't keep it trimmed in the poodle style and people would ask its breed and I started telling them "Miniature English Sheepdog".  Even people who knew a lot about dogs would believe it. 

As far as I know there is no such breed.

[Panzergranate]

We used to have a female Budgie that would only bathe in Lemonade.

R-Whites Lemonade to be exact and no other brand.

We'd tried other brands but she'd take a sip, realise it wasn't R-Whites and go and nip someone for putting the wrong stuff in her "bath" saucer.

If she sipped it and it was R Whites lemonade, she would then proceed to "break dance" in it in a frenzy of excitement for 5 minutes, until completely covered, and then go and sit on my father's shoulder to dry off.

Also, apart from the lemonade obsession, she liked Kellog's Frosties serial. Anyone watching TV whilst eating Frosties would suddenly find an aggressive Budgie in the bowl claiming the contents for herself.

We just happened to have a dominant female Budgie for a pet, who'd already broken the spring on two cages so that she was never shut in. She also decided that she didn't like being covered up at night, so come the time, she'd climb up on top of her cage and lock her claws in defiance. The cover cloth would be placed over the cage and warnigs given, but their she'd sit in protest. We'd place the cloth over her head and shoulders like a shaw and tease her about it, but she would still not give in. The look of, "Oh you are sooooo going to pay for this!!" was always very strong on her face. In the end she won and her cage was never ever covered up in the end.

And then their was the time next door's mentally retarded Irish Red Setter wandered into the house and living room, looking for its oqner and the Budgie attacked it.

My uncle, who was outside on the drive fixing his boat, saw the dog come out of the house looking distressed with the birds tail stuck out of its nouth. The dog came up to him for help and their was the Budgie "Bobby" with her beak firmly clamped around the dog's tonque so hard it was drawing blood.

My uncle made the bird let go and then the bird started to bite and attack my uncle. My father had a laugh about it and said, quote, "Of course she's pissed with you.... she was winning.....she had the dog by the throat!!"

And when we took her to the vet because she'd lost 50% of her feathers in the fight, she decided that she didn't like the vet and started to attack him.

We used to have a sticker on the cage stating "Warning, killer Budgie!!"

She was the type of pet a Klingon Warrior would have.

 
That was all way back in the late 1980's and she died in 1991.

[IndyShark]

I wish I had a camera for you guys. I've been busting my ass out here at the ranch, getting stuff cleaned up for some horses I got coming in.

Anyways, the other day, I saw a corn snake, that had a pygmi Rattler's tale hanging out of it's mouth. The good snake just gobbled him right up.I wish I could have shared a pic with you all.

Stephen

Stephen! We want pictures. That's a cool story, but corns don't eat other snakes. I wonder what kind of snake it was?

[Sirgod]

I wish I had a camera for you guys. I've been busting my ass out here at the ranch, getting stuff cleaned up for some horses I got coming in.

Anyways, the other day, I saw a corn snake, that had a pygmi Rattler's tale hanging out of it's mouth. The good snake just gobbled him right up.I wish I could have shared a pic with you all.

Stephen

Stephen! We want pictures. That's a cool story, but corns don't eat other snakes. I wonder what kind of snake it was?

I could very easily be wrong on that one, Maybe a garter snake.???

stephen

[IndyShark]

I don't think so. What color was it?

What is your zip code? I can do a quick web search and look for snake that will eat other snakes in your area. Normally I would assume a king snake.

Check out this web site!

http://www.enature.com/home/

[Sirgod]

It was a black snake, but anyway, the zipcode is 74881. Or wellston Oklahoma.

It was about two and a half feet long. Of course we have had alot of pygmie Rattlers and copperheads out here this last year. I think It's because of the mild summer we have had, more come out to sun themselves.

Stephen

[Fedman NCC-3758]

It was a black snake, but anyway, the zipcode is 74881. Or wellston Oklahoma.

It was about two and a half feet long. Of course we have had alot of pygmie Rattlers and copperheads out here this last year. I think It's because of the mild summer we have had, more come out to sun themselves.

Stephen

That may have been one like Drac started a thread on....

[Sirgod]

I think Dracho's was a rattler, I barely remember that thread, except that when I asked if he shot it, he said no, that he only had hollow points.

I think that reminded me to never piss off Andy.

Stephen

[IndyShark]

I think it was a racer. Those are nice, and very hungry snakes.

[Sirgod]

It might have been Indy, the only Snake I had ever heard about with Cannabilism was the Copperheads in Australia. But It doesn't surprise me, Besides Racers are kinda fun, as they will literaly stand right up eye to eye with you.

How are your snakes doing BTW?

Stephen

[Panzergranate]

Australia seems to have a monoploy on agressive nasty creatures.

Aparently they have 158 creatures there that can bite, sting, suck or find some other unpleasant way of killing a human.

Aussies tend to crap standing up due tothe Red Back Spider that loves to lurk under the toilet seat and bite anything dangled in front of it. The bite is fatal unless the poison is sucked out. Needless to say, if the bite occured on the toilet, victims soon fond out who their true friends are!!

The Red Back likes to lurk in garages as well.

Then there is the Funnel Web Spider, which will chase a human arond until it nails him and then the poisoned human now needs to chase the spider as the hospital will need the venom from that exact spider to save his life.

Australia has all 10 of the world's most deadly snake. Only 7 people have survived a Taipan bite. The venom is a extremely potent narcotic and the victims take a blissful 2 days to die in absoulute ecstacy. There is no anti-venom or treatment possible.

A mate bought a snake bite manual when he went to Africa and it included Australian snakes. Under Taipans it basically tells any victim that they're f**ked!!

It also stated that Taipan venom, self admisitered, is a popular was for Terminal Cancer victims to self euthanise themselves in the outback.

Also about 100 people a year die from Centipede bites.

The Japanese landed 300 men, during WW2, in the Northern Territories, to build a secret advanced base prior to inbasion. All 300 men were killed by the wildlife, most likely on the toilet or from  just about anything else that lives there. Apparently, where they picked to land was uninhabitted for a good reason as even the Aborigines steer clear of the area. The remains of the camp, graves and bodies, were discovered by a Geological expedition in the 1990's.

Quite a few Australian snakes are known to prey on otherr snakes, Taipans included.

[IndyShark]

It might have been Indy, the only Snake I had ever heard about with Cannabilism was the Copperheads in Australia. But It doesn't surprise me, Besides Racers are kinda fun, as they will literaly stand right up eye to eye with you.

How are your snakes doing BTW?

Stephen

Great. I didn't get any eggs this year, but that's ok. I was too busy to worry about that. I am going to try again next year!

[Sirgod]

I did find a pic of IndyShark as a baby...

[IndyShark]

LOL, I was never that small!