Topic: Story #6: Halvor Prime

[Scottish Andy]

Hi Guv,

I've managed to gt down to the end of Chapter 7 now, and I have to say that this line:

“I believe the ship’s sensors will be required to divulge further findings from this device.”

after the build up and Surall's reaction left me with one thought:

"I got a real bad feeling about this..."

 

Excellent writing, Guv. I offer the usual gripes about incorrect spellings and such, but the story itself is a good read. I wan't wait to come back to this and read on. I'm about to go out, so I thoght this was a good point to give you another comment.

Other things I like: the new XO trying to find his niche inbetween his eccentric CO and his own "relaxed but still proper" approach. The description of the city as they go through it. The XO's appreciation for the ChSci's looks.

I'm not so sure about the Starfleet crew's humour amongst all the bodies, but conversely I do like the zombie jokes. 

I'm also not sure about your descripton of a Van Alen belt. I've not looked it up yet and I don't have time if I actually want to write this post now, but I thought a Van Alen belt was one that enveloped a planet. Your description makes it seem like the Van Alen belt envelops the entirety of the planet's orbital track around its star.

Other than that, everything else was spot on for me. I'll continue reading later, then get onto #7.

[Governor Ronjar]

You are correct about the Van Allen Belt. It does circulate around a single planet. The one I discribed goes throughout the orbital track of the planet itself. The scene, now that I reread it, needs more discription on the discrepentcy. I'll tend to that another time. But the one in this story has been engineered to follow the planet's orbital path, which would be another unique feature of it.

A story I will eventually write with Ford in his younger days will involve Ford leading a landing party in the 2260's, and getting stuck on a planet that winds up launching itself into a nuclear holocaust. Ford has actually, therefor BEEN on a planet populated mostly by the dead. He's also seen uncounted raid and bombardment sights, so he's rather cynical about the whole ordeal. He also picked officers that were of his own nature. Therefor, he and his crew will blatantly cackle at a grizzly scene, particularly one that is ages old and holds no real material relevance to them. The scene you reference has actually been toned down, as I originally had Bronstien snap the skull out of the windshield and flap its jaw while having it talk to a disgusted Surall. Decided that even Ford wouldn't let that go on, and nixed it.

And as to the REAL bad feeling...

*EVIL GRIN*

thanx for the readin'

--thu guv!

[Scottish Andy]

Just got to the end of Chapter 9 pt. 1, and you are really ratcheting up the tension! Dude!

And that sneaky, conniving bar-steward Banks!I was all set up and liking him, too.    Glad to see I was right about the Yeoman, though.

I sense bad things happening with the Security detachment, too...

[Scottish Andy]

Okay... that was harsh. That was totally 'Event Horizon'. Great movie, but sh*t! I was thinking before the Hell on Ship scene of Ch 9 pt 2 that it was another creature like the Beta IX Entity, but after that it was 'Event Horizon' all the way.

Nice twist with the Commodore in the globe at the end. Before I read that it was the Commodore, I was thinking the human might be the source of the malevolence and she'd beam it away and keep the globe.

I have to agree with Andrea at the end. This is no "every other day" in space. I would expect that easily half the crew will want a transfer, and it would be the half that couldn't face the people they'd went nuts on. Some of those will just want to quit totally.

I will be very interested in seeing how Andrea deals with the fact she murdered someone, even if it was under an alien influence.

A line I liked for sheer macabre horror humour:

Smith ran straight through the dissipating cloud of ensign and fired again.

Although, from the line before it, there is no "gore" from a phaser set to disintegrate. The body dissolves and fades away, it doesn't blow up first. One or the other.

Another great scene was the naked woman... ah, "propositioning" Ron, and his reactions to it.

That story was f*ckin intense. For Ron's trip down to engineering, I had images of my own battles through Sera's elegant and blood-splattered ruins in Gears of War, with a Star Trek theme.

Ouch.

This was a truly viscerally impacting (alt. "gut wrenching") tale. Well written, hard hitting, and totally unexpected for a Star Trek story. I applaud the concept as one I try to do but I think this is at the far edge of the envelope.

Space is big, bad, and dangerous as well as filled with beauty, wonder, and thrills galore. This story shows what happens if you get complacent about what you explore. It's still the unknown, no matter how much space you've already explored.

Well done, Guv.

Now, I just need a nice cup of tea to steady my nerves again.

[Commander La'ra]

Yup, that was definitely an old-school Guv story, right out of some lunatic's drug-addled nightmare.

I won't pretend to be as shocked as Andy.  Constant exposure to your malevolence in my formative years have rendered me far more resistant to gory displays and images from the netherworld, to say nothing of knowing the sphere was trouble the second it was described.

However, I must say that the suspense level in this one...the part I used to feel you needed to work on more...was ratcheted quite high.  I was quite convinced of the danger the crew was in, especially during Davenport's run for Engineering and Xia's fight with the security guards.

Now, on to details...

The physical action in this story is among your best.  Xia vs. the guards, Davenport's running shoot out with Goodwin, Keller's wine-bottle slaying...all of 'em had that edge only really good fight scenes have.

Davenport continues to be my favorite character.  There's no additional reasons for this beyond those we've already discussed, this story just continues to make me like him.  Really loved the scene where he tried to out-logic Surall.

Speaking of Surall, I really liked the glimpse into her head we got while she was under the sphere's influence.  I also like your characterization of Vulcans...all their strengths, but weaknesses you never see portrayed by the 'super-elf' writers we all know and...well I won't say love (Strangers from the Sky, anyone?).

Loved Ford resolving the dispute between Xia and Surall.  With a Captain who appears so casual much of the time, it'd be easy for a 'crackdown' moment to seem out of character.  It didn't here, and furthermore, I love the 'chords of disharmony' line.  It was gonna be my favorite line from the tale, but then there was that whole 'Pleasure to be of service' ma'am thing with Davenport...

Gore rating:  You didn't overdo it on this one, with the possible exception of the whole 'face' incident, though that's probably just my distaste for horror movies coming through.  You suggested more than you described, which generally makes it worse.

To Andy:  The phaser disintegration effect the Guv favors was only used once in the early seasons of TNG.  When this was performed, you saw a flash of the victim's inner construction, sort of implying that phasers vaporize 'by layer'.  I suspect that's what was being described in the scene you referenced, for the Guv has very often expressed his wish that they'd just made that the usual effect for such.

[Governor Ronjar]

Wooooo-Hoooo!

This is what makes all the button pushing worth it. When my stuff is enjoyed like that, it makes a person happy!
Thank ya both!

Yes, I was indeed going to mention the TNG Late Season One and Season Two disintegration facts, but La'ra has beated me to the punch. I love the effect and wished they'd kept it. I use it for low-power of 'quick-touch' hits that do disintegration affects. For visual references, watch episodes # 25 "Conspiracy" and #32 "Loud as a Whisper". Not that I didn't love the way you matter-of-factly layed the smackdown on my description, Andy. One or the other.

Well, I'm glad the suspence level was as high as needed. I remember the last Halvor Sphere story I wrote in the TNG 'verse being rather successful on that note. But it was very high-visual stuff and today would just strike me as cheap horror movie threatrics.

The face-lift scene, as I call it, was my one true point toward my love, disolving tho it may be, of gory horror flicks. Plus, I had this grizzly thought of an insane person doing it as a Halloween prank one day while I was at work... I get bored at work... Decided to work it into a story one day, and viola! The face-lift scene. Then I added the line "Don't I have a beautiful smile?" That made me happy in places I don't care to mention.

And I had to do the naked chick scene right on the heels of that one just for the macabre sluing of reality.

These stories are my cup of tea, but I can only write one every once in a while...Otherwise, they lose their effect and appeal.

I'm very damn glad this one was appreciated. Hope you'll enjoy the next instalment next month: #8 'Trials and Fire'.

--thu guv!