Topic: Monty Python: The Hobbit (finally!)

[Hstaphath_XC]

Giving in to the cry of the masses (i.e., two people that mentioned it), Arwen's song in Scene 12 has been changed from "Tie a yellow wibbon awound the ol' Mallown twee" to "I'm bwinging sexy back."   

  all I can say!

Hehe... thanks Guv!  You did ask for more and at least I know someone is still reading this.   

[kadh2000]

That wath pweciouth.

Awethome too.

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 13

Battle of Five Armies - Sports Edition

Kieran Forester:  Good afternoon, and welcome to a packed valley of Dale, southern vale of the lonely mountain, Erebor.
(superimposed caption: BATTLE OF FIVE ARMIES [Rings of Power Sports Edition])
Guv Ronjar:  Packed is definitely the word for it, Kieran, as this battle has drawn quite an unusual multi-cultural mix to today's match-up.  Dwarves, elves, humans, goblins, and wargs... exciting things are bound to happen here.
(superimposed caption: BATALJ UV FEM ARMEN [Råingse uv Pöveråga Sqøurtësi Edänsod])
Kieran Forester:  We are all set to begin--
(with cries and howls, the goblins and wargs pour into the valley between the southern and eastern spurs of the lonely mountain)
Kieran Forester:  And here comes the visiting team now... led by their skipper, "Boggy" Bolg. They must surely start favorites this afternoon.  With clear advantages in strength, ruthlessness, and simplified command structure, they would appear unstoppable... and let's now see their line-up.

Goblin and Warg Armies [Visitors]
1. Bolg (Team Captain and Head Goblin)
2. Amog
3. Gorg
4. Azob
5. Moog
6. Bozb
7. Arog
8. Gondgaur (Head Warg)
9. Rhiakath
10. Mordraug
11. Annwnor

Guv Ronjar:  The goblins and wargs are starting out in a 4-2-4 formation.  Arog in goal... back four are Gorg, Bolg, Azob, and Moog... front-runners Gondgaur, Rhiakath, Mordraug, and Annwnor.  The mid-field duo of Amog and Bozb in position.  Amog perhaps a bit of a gamble there.
(hurrying frantically, the dwarves, elves, and men get into position)
Kieran Forester:  And now the home squad, led by their veteran centre-half, Gandalf the Grey.

Dwarf, Elf, and Human Armies [Home Team]
1. Gandalf the Grey (Team Captain)
2. Thorin Oakenshield (Head Dwarf)
3. Dain Ironfoot
4. Balin son of Fundin
5. Thranduil (Head Elf)
6. Legolas Greenleaf
7. Czar Mohab
8. Bard the Bowman (Head Human)
9. Kadh Qohelethson
10. La'ra Disruptorstun
11. Bilbo Baggins

Guv Ronjar:  Let's look at their team.  As you'd expect, it's a much more defensive line-up.  Balin's in goal, Kadh a front-runner there, Dain the midfield anchor, and Legolas as sweeper... Legolas very much the elf in form.  One big surprise, obviously, is the inclusion of Bilbo.  I don't think anyone could have imagined that.
Kieran Forester:  Indeed not!  As Sauron discovered during his bitter lose at the Dagorlad Finals of 3434, second age, even the One Ring is of limited use in this sort of contest.
Guv Ronjar:  Right you are, Kieran... Isildur came away the trophy winner from that colossal matchup, of course.  When you reach this level, you honestly win or lose on the strengths and weaknesses of your teammates that brought you.
(Bilbo puts on his magic ring and promptly disappears from the battle)
Kieran Forester:  Well, here comes the wargs on the opening play... Gandalf quickly moving Biggesti Dickesti in to substitute for the missing hobbit.
Guv Ronjar:  With the proposed three substitutions per game limit rule having been voted down in last year's hotly debated white council meeting, replacement players will continue to be a huge factor to success.
Kieran Forester:  Kadh and La'ra moving to resist the vanguard... and as the two sides come together, we're ready for the start of what promises to be a real battle royale.
(the homicidally brave men of the resistance line hold off the wargs just long enough to bunch up and disorganize the following goblin assault)
Guv Ronjar:  They're through!
Kieran Forester:  Amog and Bozb there.  Rhiakath, number 9, on the outside... Mordraug there with him.  There's Bolg.  Moog's in there, Gorg covering.  Azob, in reserve, holding back.  The goblins and wargs are moving far down the field in force.
(charging forward, the elves flank the goblin formation)
Guv Ronjar:  And now it's the elves on the attack!  Biggesti... Czar Mohab, number 7.  Thranduil leading.  Czar and Biggesti staying with him.  There's Thranduil.  Legolas... there he is, Legolas.  Legolas there, threading it through.
(as they begin to hold back the elves, the goblins are suddenly surprised from behind)
Kieran Forester:  There's the dwarves!  Coming in from the opposite flank... Dain there along with Bard in support.  Dain, number 3, making his presence felt.
HOME = 0 --- VISITORS = 0Guv Ronjar:  Azob moving up on the outside.  Gondgaur's on the left, the visitors are holding off the home team now and beginning to move forward again.
(the crush of the goblin and warg hordes pushes the dwarves, elves, and men back up the spurs of the mountain)
Kieran Forester:  Well, there may be no score, but there's certainly no lack of excitement here!  As you can see, Bolg has just disemboweled Gorg for arguing with him.  Gorg apparently accused Bolg of having no coherent strategic plan and Bolg say, "spleen go in box!"  This is Bolg's third disembowelment of defensive fullbacks in four matchups.  Molb now in as wingback for the goblins and wargs.
Guv Ronjar:  Molb is coming in behind the elves... Bozb joining him on the breakaway-- The home team's zone defense is coming apart!
Kieran Forester:  2-on-1 break... only Balin stands between them and destiny.  Balin, there-- trying to cut down the angle.
Balin:  [CENSORED]!!!
(a great shout arises from the dwarves as a trumpet loudly calls out from the front gate of Erebor)
Guv Ronjar:  What's this?
Kieran Forester:  It's Thorin Oakenshield!
Guv Ronjar:  Thorin is rallying the dwarves, elves, and men to him... obstructing the goblin's best scoring opportunity so far.
Kieran Forester:  It looks to be a flying pyramid attack up the middle third heading straight into the goblin formation's center.  The visitors are going goblin-to-dwarf in response.
(Thorin charges forward... resplendent in shining armor)
Thorin:  To me!  RALLY TO ME!
Guv Ronjar:  Obviously, Gandalf has decided on an all-out attack, as indeed he must with so little time in the match to go.
Gandalf:  NO-- You fools!
Kieran Forester:  The big question is, who is left to support this drive... who do the dwarves, elves, and men have left to sub in?
Guv Ronjar:  The casualty list is becoming more of a problem for the home team as the goblins and wargs seem to have a near endless bench depth.  Bilbo is missing in action, Czar is on the 15 day disabled list... Kadh's status is day-to-day, while La'ra is barely managing to stay in with a lateral ankle sprain and knee problems.  The biggest loss for the home squad, naturally, has been the death of Biggesti Dickesti.
Kieran Forester:  Yes, Biggesti... who saw his reportedly very talented wife only last week--
Guv Ronjar:  And here's Fili and Kili on the field covering for Thorin!
(gathering dwarves, elves, and men to him, Thorin rushes forward in fury)
Kieran Forester:  Let's see if Thorin can put some life into this bold attack.
(piercing deep through the lines of goblins and wargs, Thorin's force crashes into the bodyguards of Bolg... and is brutally thrown back)
Guv Ronjar:  Evidently not.
Kieran Forester:  A diving header to no avail, there.  With time running out on regulation play, a replay review looks absolutely vital.
Guv Ronjar:  And now there is some shouting from the sidelines--
Bilbo:  The eagles!  The eagles are coming!
(invisible though he may be, a rock strikes Bilbo on the head and he is immediately knocked out)
Meneldor the Eagle:  What-ho, squadron leader?
Landroval the Eagle:  Top hole, Mellie.  Looks like screamin' Boggy pranged his ten-penny ones right in the how's your father.  Bally the blighters... we need to dicky-birdy the custard, feather back on their Sammy, take a waspy, and chuck his cans up the blue end.
Meneldor the Eagle:  Roger that-- Bunch of monkeys on the Bertie, sir!  Better grab their egg and fours and get the bacon delivered.
Landroval the Eagle:  Jolly good... plug the squiffy!
(in a great rush of wind, the giant northern eagles arrive)
Guv Ronjar:  Coming in for the home team, with not a moment to spare... are forward aces Landroval and Meneldor!
(superimposed caption: BATALJ UV SEKS ARMEN [Uppdåtëra])
Kieran Forester:  Meneldor out to Landroval, Landroval back to Meneldor, good give and go here-- Meneldor facing off with Molb... Molb is easily beaten.
(the goblins who are lucky enough not to be cast off the sides of the mountain flee shrieking and bewildered from the eagles)
Guv Ronjar:  Wait-- we have another surprise substitution here as Beorn, a truly massive bear, comes in for the mortally wounded Thorin... and he is simply tearing through the visiting team!
(superimposed caption: BATALJ UV SJUVEN ARMEN [Uppdåtëra])
Kieran Forester:  Gandalf signals the go-ahead and it's Beorn deep in the goblin defense... here he comes on the far post, tramples Arog, Bolg is there to block-- Beorn smacks Bolg's head right off!  It's--
Guv Ronjar:  GOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!
Kieran Forester:  Beorn heads it in with a top-drawer strike!  Beorn has scored as the clock runs out!
Guv Ronjar:  The elves are going mad!  The dwarves and humans are going mad!
HOME = 1 --- VISITORS = 0Kieran Forester:  Beorn scores against the run of play, got a beautiful cross slash on Bolg there who attempted a flick header.
Guv Ronjar:  What irony!
Kieran Forester:  The goblins are disputing it.  The surviving wargs and wolves have gone into a frenzy, though, and are turning on the goblins.  I believe Moog was claiming Beorn was offside before being ripped apart, there... but the rejuvenated dwarves, elves, men, and eagles are having none of it as they surge across the field behind Beorn.
Guv Ronjar:  It's all over-- this one is in the books!
Kieran Forester:  The goblins and wargs, heavily favored coming into this competition, have been beaten by the odd goal... and let's see it again.
(the replay, viewed from behind Bolg in slow motion, shows Beorn smashing Arog out of the way as he bounds up... Bolg's head flying off... the frame freezes for a moment on the startled look on Bolg's face)
Kieran Forester:  There you have it... Beorn, yes... Beorn went right through Arog, and Bolg didn't have a chance--
Guv Ronjar:  And just look at this delighted home squad as they drive the shattered visitors off the pitch and into the Running River!
(the goblins and wargs, fleeing in all directions, are pursued closely by the righteously vengeful dwarves, elves, men, eagles, and Beorn)
Kieran Forester:  There they are... Dain "Chopper" Ironfoot, Gandalf the Grey, Bard "The Answer" Bowman, La'ra "Buffalo Wrestler" Disruptorstun, Legolas "Bottomless Quiver" Greenleaf--
Guv Ronjar:  What a game he had today!
Kieran Forester:  And Landroval is there with Meneldor.
Guv Ronjar:  And, of course, "The Bear" Beorn... the surprise pull from the bench who has scored what is probably the most important goal of his career.

[kadh2000]

Gawd, had me laughing throughout.  Nice to know Kadh's only day-to-day after that encounter. 

[Commander La'ra]

ROFL!

[Scottish Andy]

Oh Gods, Hsta, you have a genuine talent there. I laughed aloud all through that! Favourite lines:

As you can see, Bolg has just disemboweled Gorg for arguing with him.  Gorg apparently accused Bolg of having no coherent strategic plan and Bolg say, "spleen go in box!"

Landroval the Eagle:  Jolly good... plug the squiffy!

Absolutely loved this part... just what the jolly f*ck are those eagles on about! ROFL!

Guv Ronjar:  What irony!

This absolutely has to be the Guv's new catchphrase. Reminds me of Bytor the Great's original  catch phrase of "Quite Random!"

and let's see it again.
(the replay, viewed from behind Bolg in slow motion, shows Beorn smashing Arog out of the way as he bounds up... Bolg's head flying off... the frame freezes for a moment on the startled look on Bolg's face)

LMAO!

My apol-ogis for not commenting earlier, but this was absolutely brilliant, especially as I have the philosopher's football match now playing in my head. 

Oh, that said, how dod you Yanks do with the football terminology and strategy? Not quite what you're used to, is it? 

Great stuff as always, Hsta. Keep it coming!

[KOTH-KieranXC, Ret.]

You've given my namesake some excellent lines in this, Hsta. I especially like the first one that Andy quoted.

[Governor Ronjar]

Oh, that said, how dod you Yanks do with the football terminology and strategy? Not quite what you're used to, is it? 

If any football had been mentioned in the post, then we'd have done fine, thank you. Since it was soccer, I did only half as well. But being that I do watch soccer like two to four times a year... the terms and even some of the slang were not totally as foriegn as Andy's sense of humor.

--thank you.
--btw, excellent 'battle', Hsta! What Irony!

--thu guv!

[Hstaphath_XC]

I am very relieved that this scene has been well received!  I put a LOT of work into it and wrote it out over the last few days while recovering from the worst migraine I have had in months.  I have, on occasion, been told that my parody humor is at it's best when I am writing while in freakish pain and misery, but it does make it hard for me personally to judge whether what I have put down is actually funny.

Gawd, had me laughing throughout.  Nice to know Kadh's only day-to-day after that encounter.

Considering that you and La'ra held off the vanguard of wargs and wolfriders virtually alone, I'd say you both came through this in excellent shape!  I will let you know if you take a turn for the worse after catching up on your The Promise fic.   

ROFL!

Hehe... I must admit, I am extremely curious to know how you reacted to seeing La'ra "Buffalo Wrestler" Disruptorstun in that.   I had a difficult time coming up with a suitable nickname and last name for your character and those just seemed to be the best fits.

As you can see, at least I kept my word about not killing you off, eh?   

Oh Gods, Hsta, you have a genuine talent there. I laughed aloud all through that!

Thanks, Andy!  I very much appreciate this.   

...just what the jolly f*ck are those eagles on about! ROFL!

That was WWII RAF banter I mangled and re-arranged.  I honestly can translate it if anyone is interested in knowing what they would have said in plain english.

This absolutely has to be the Guv's new catchphrase...

Sure, as a general rule, if I have you say something as a character in the parody... please feel free to use it however you like!   

My apol-ogis for not commenting earlier, but this was absolutely brilliant, especially as I have the philosopher's football match now playing in my head.

Well, I had been wondering where you had gotten off to and whether or not you were even still reading this.  I am naturally very curious about who the lurkers are... as I imagine anyone that posts fan fic is that keeps seeing the hit count rise with few replies.  Hmmm...

The Philosopher's football match was the framework I used to build this scene on but, as you can tell, I really had to expand and improvise.  I also managed to sneak in several football slang terms that weren't in the flying circus skit.

Oh, that said, how dod you Yanks do with the football terminology and strategy? Not quite what you're used to, is it?

My first "sports hero" as a child was Pelé.  I still remember how disappointed my grandfather was when I switched from playing soccer to baseball.  I was MUCH better at baseball.

Great stuff as always, Hsta. Keep it coming!

The last scene is already nearly half done so I can probably post it by this weekend... but then it is all over.  Well, except the massive reformatting and proofreading work that goes into the html and pdf versions, of course.   

You've given my namesake some excellent lines in this, Hsta. I especially like the first one that Andy quoted.

You are very welcome, K-FO!  I tried to do right by you... especially since you and The Guv really are what make this scene work.

Hehe... should I pull a New Line stunt and have the extended DVD version of the battle go into double overtime sudden death with extra carnage spliced in?

... excellent 'battle', Hsta! What Irony!

Thanks Guv!!!  In my humble opinion, your work as the color commentator was completely top-notch!   

[Commander La'ra]

Considering that you and La'ra held off the vanguard of wargs and wolfriders virtually alone, I'd say you both came through this in excellent shape!

Yep.  Gotta crack open something alcoholic after that one.

*indulges in a Smirnoff*

Hehe... I must admit, I am extremely curious to know how you reacted to seeing La'ra "Buffalo Wrestler" Disruptorstun in that.   I had a difficult time coming up with a suitable nickname and last name for your character and those just seemed to be the best fits.

Liked Disruptorstun.  Not sure about 'Buffalo Wrestler' as I have no idea what the hell said friend means by it.  I know my cousin created the term, but no party who knows will indulge me with it's explanation.

Therefore, you're not only doing a parody, you're furthering an appellation I know nothing of despite it applying to me, which seems to fit it about perfectly.

As you can see, at least I kept my word about not killing you off, eh?   

Much appreciated.

[kadh2000]

As a FIFA referee, I had no trouble following the football terms, thank you!  That is part of why I enjoyed it so much.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Not sure about 'Buffalo Wrestler' as I have no idea what the hell said friend means by it...

Wait... you mean I'm not the first one to pick up on calling you that?!

What irony!!!   

[Scottish Andy]

Oh, I know it's mangled WWII RAF Banter. I totally recognise the format, I just have no idea what they're saying and that makes it better. Don't translate it! 

"Quite Random!"

[Hstaphath_XC]

Oh, I know it's mangled WWII RAF Banter. I totally recognise the format, I just have no idea what they're saying and that makes it better. Don't translate it!  "Quite Random!"

Right-o, mate-- best not to fottle or be gone for a Burton!  Those toffee-nosed oppos really biffed the Gobbies for six!

[Scottish Andy]

*snarf!*

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 14

The End of the Beginning

Narrator:  With the dragon Smaug dead and the goblin horde defeated, all that remained for the survivors to do was bury the dead and clean up the mess.  As the towns of Dale and Esgaroth began the first stages of reconstruction, the dwarves had a particularly hard time of it clearing Erebor of the worm's foul reek-- 
Gandalf:  No one ever bothers to write about that part of story, so skip ahead a bit.
Narrator:  Right.  Well, after a brief time of rest and a few meals of something other than cram to eat--
Men of Dale:  (chanting) Cram cram cram cram...
Narrator:  Stop that!  Really, now-- as I was saying... eventually Bilbo Baggins, accompanied by Gandalf the Grey, started the long journey back into the west towards the Shire.

(the lonely mountain behind them, Gandalf rides on a large white horse while Bilbo rides beside him on a small dappled pony)
Gandalf:  Now, my dear friend and luck-blessed hobbit, we just need to figure out a way to end this glorious tale.
Bilbo:  Splendid!  What ending options have we got?
Gandalf:  Well... there's the standard long slow pull-out, you know...
(as Gandalf speaks, the scene pulls out and passes through the nearby forests and mountains... past a great northern eagle gliding on an updraft... we mix through to an even wider zoom over the Shire before eventually ending up with a suborbital view of Middle Earth that slowly coalesces into an old hand-drawn map in the Red Book of Westmarch-- abruptly we cut back to Gandalf and Bilbo)
Bilbo:  (shaking his head) No.  Have we got anything more, I don't know... exciting?
Gandalf:  How about a chase?
(the creature Gollum suddenly jumps out from the bushes near the road)
Gollum:  Thief!  The precious-- we wantss it!!!  Thief, Baggins!
[exciting chase music]
(Bilbo's pony goes into a panicked sprint as Gollum chases after him-- suddenly cut back to Gandalf and Bilbo calmly riding along again)
Bilbo:  Oh-- no... no, no!
Gandalf:  Riding off into the sunset?
Bilbo:  What's that one like?
(dramatic view of the sun going down behind the Misty Mountains... we can just see the backs of Gandalf and Bilbo as they ride together towards the setting sun)
Gandalf:  You know... two lone figures silhouetted against the last lingering rays in the evening sky... the quest complete, the mood music swells... you've got a lump in your throat and a tear in your eye--
(cut back to Gandalf and Bilbo still riding along at midday)
Bilbo:  No, that won't do either.
Gandalf:  Oh, pity... I rather liked that one.
Bilbo:  They all seem a bit off for ending this epic adventure.
Gandalf:  Well, there is one that involves you arriving home to find all your worldly possessions being auctioned off.
Bilbo:  What?!
Gandalf:  I daresay your cousins, the Sackville-Bagginses, are making arrangements to move into Bag End at this very moment.
Bilbo:  Bugger!  Those bloody wanking--  Okay, look... I would very much like to skip all of that if possible.
Gandalf:  So will the studio, producers, director... and anyone else that has never bothered to actually read the book, I wager.  All right... how about a happy ending?
(an elven lady of enchantingly seductive beauty rushes up to Bilbo and throws her arms around him)
Serailian:  Oh, Bilbo-- thank the Valar you're safe!
Gandalf:  No, I'm sorry.  You wouldn't want that.
(Serailian Linnod'aduial disappears)
Bilbo:  Wha-- Why wouldn't I want that?!
Gandalf:  It will confuse all your fans that have long assumed you to be gay.
(long pause)
Bilbo:  You-- Ummm... you mean happy, right?
Gandalf:  Nevermind... what about summing up from the panel?  That's always good.  You know, have a couple of expert commentators--
(cut to Kieran Forester and Guv Ronjar sitting at a large desk on the side of Erebor... a large painting depicting a jubilant team of dwarves, elves, and humans holding up a football trophy with Bolg's head mounted on it is in the background)
Kieran Forester:  Yes, it was rather a good story... quite thrilling.  Though I think that the musical numbers may have been a little overdone.
Guv Ronjar:  I don't agree with that at all, Kieran!  Quite frankly, the only bits I liked were the ones with me in them.
(cut back to Gandalf and Bilbo)
Bilbo:  Absolutely not!
Gandalf:  No?  Slow fade?
(the scene begins to fade out)
Bilbo:  Nnnn... no.
(the scene snaps back into bright focus)
Gandalf:  Well, how about a sudden ending?
Bilbo:  A what?

To be continued (80 years later) in... MONTY PYTHON: FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING!

I would also highly recommend that you watch Monty Python meets Lord of the Rings

[Governor Ronjar]

Thank GOD *I* was in it again...was losing interest! 

Kidding of course. Was this the finale...it did say beginning of the end...?

Need more Hsta!

--thu guv

[Commander La'ra]

Gandalf:  No, I'm sorry.  You wouldn't want that.
(Serailian Linnod'aduial disappears)
Bilbo:  Wha-- Why wouldn't I want that?!
Gandalf:  It will confuse all your fans that have long assumed you to be gay.

Your writing style and the Guv's GMing style show remarkable similarity!

[Andromeda]

My alternate ending:  Romme ran off with Bilbo and started running her hands over his feet.  "I just love furry toes," she said seductively as her other hand inched it's way slowly up his leg and toward his vest pocket.  Bilbo watched powerlessly... she was still running her fingers through the fur on both feet... as she drew the ring out from it's hiding place.  It seemed to grow larger and heavier as she wrapped her fingers around it.

I am so sorry.  I couldn't help myself.  Thank you for a great tale.  I enjoyed my part in it.

[Hstaphath_XC]

... Was this the finale... it did say beginning of the end...?  Need more Hsta!

It said it was the end of the beginning.  See... if the Hobbit was just the beginning of the Lord of the Rings epic-- oh, be bothered... I know you already know what I meant!   

Still, since you asked for more, I will post a sort of epilogue.

Your writing style and the Guv's GMing style show remarkable similarity!

 

...I am so sorry.  I couldn't help myself.  Thank you for a great tale.  I enjoyed my part in it.

LOL!  I understand... and you are very welcome!  Thank you for wanting to be a part of this craziness!