Topic: Monty Python: The Hobbit (finally!)

[Andromeda]

That was amazingly funny.  The only negative part was how long it took to download the initial avi.  Of course, without it the rest would have made no sense.  Thank you for not killing me off, despite that being expected in opera.  And I got to play the part originally written for bugs! Here's the best tribute I could think of, but it doesn't match the quality of yours as I just threw it together. 

Hstaphath_XC!
Art thou mine? Can I then read thee?
At last then! at last then!  Is't true I read thee?
Are these thine words?  Here thine pen?
Is't I? Is't thou?  Have I thee read?
Is it no dream.... O
joy of my being... O
sweetest, highest, rarest, fairest, holiest joy!
Without measure, endless, longed for ever,
known of never!
Heart upheaving. Heaven's
highest, earth defiant! Mine!
Hstaphath
Hstaphath_XC  mine!
Always Hsta mine! Rommë always
thine! Hsta!  Hsta!
Always always
thine.



-With apologies to Richard Wagner

[Hstaphath_XC]

That was amazingly funny.  The only negative part was how long it took to download the initial avi.  Of course, without it the rest would have made no sense.

Thanks!  Yeah, I didn't want to risk confusing anyone with this scene since it came from a source other than Monty Python.  Just because it is the highest rated Bugs Bunny cartoon of all time doesn't mean everyone has seen it... particularly outside the U.S. of A.

It really was funny that you asked whether there would be costume changes in your big musical number right after I had written that part.  Please feel free, btw, to send any pics you may have of yourself in a chainmail bikini to my personal email address.   

Thank you for not killing me off, despite that being expected in opera...

LOL, you are welcome!  You can look forward to a long life as the Queen of Dale and have at least one child, a son named Bain, who will succeed his father as King of Dale.  Yes, I'm pretty sure that schlip-a-schlapping was involved.

Hmmm... is this yet another option for your signature block?

Andrømëdå - Queen of Dale
Bärd the Bowman:  Oh-- Andrømëdå, you're so lovely!
Andrømëdå:  Yes, I know it... I can't help it.

Here's the best tribute I could think of...

Wow...  I mean... seriously now... oh my good heavens!  The last time a woman said anything like that to me... well, I've been married to her for 7 years now.  The way I was raised, it was just the right thing to do.

I really have to save this somewhere.  It is, quite honestly, the best tribute I have ever received (even if you do feel like you just threw it together)!

Wow!!!

[Andromeda]

I could use that as a sig, yeah, but I wouldn't know how to get the colour and font size right.

Thrown together means it was mostly pirated from Tristan and Isolde.  Her lines only from ACT II Scene 2 (I think)

[Hstaphath_XC]

I could use that as a sig, yeah...

Well... with already being Queen of Amber, some would consider being Queen of Dale something of a step down-- and that's without even taking the whole "fish schlapping" thing into consideration.

...it was mostly pirated from Tristan and Isolde.

Regardless, I am very flattered by your use of it.   

[Governor Ronjar]

I have not replied in some time, but only for lack of having something original to say. This emoticon say it all though: 

--thu guv!

[Commander La'ra]

Gawd that was funny, even without the sound effects.  Hell, I'm going to the library tomorrow just to take advantage of their high-speed and experience this properly.

[Czar Mohab]

Not sure how you manage to pull it off, but man this is still hilarious.

Czar "I said it before, I'll say it again. Best. Parody. Ever." Mohab

[kadh2000]

Sir Hstaphath,

The reason I said that SB and Andro wrote such good stuff but excluded your excellent parodies is because this is a different genre which I can't judge as well.  It's certainly as good as many of the published lampoons.  Actually it's better than most.  I'd buy it if I saw it in stores.

Kadh, who's pretty sure that Tolkien misquoted Bilbo in the battle of five armies.  What he really said was "The D7s are coming!  The D7s are coming!"

[Scottish Andy]

I have vague memories of that cartoon... haven't seen it in years!! Wow, what a blast from the past. Loved hearing it though. Another couple of good scenes from the master. *bows*

[Hstaphath_XC]

My holiday vacation is over so it must be time to get back to work on this!  Ummm... just as soon as I catch up on reading what everyone else has been up to.  Wow.   

I have not replied in some time, but only for lack of having something original to say. This emoticon say it all though...

Hehe... thanks Guv!

Gawd that was funny, even without the sound effects.  Hell, I'm going to the library tomorrow just to take advantage of their high-speed and experience this properly.

Just out of curiosity, of course, did having the sounds add much when you re-read the scene?

Not sure how you manage to pull it off, but man this is still hilarious.
Czar "I said it before, I'll say it again. Best. Parody. Ever." Mohab

Honestly, "Fire and Water - An Opera" was one of the few scenes I had planned out in detail before I actually started writing the opening credits... I just didn't know Andromeda would get the lead role until halfway through the parody.   

The reason I said that SB and Andro wrote such good stuff but excluded your excellent parodies is because this is a different genre which I can't judge as well...

Whoa-- thanks Kadh!  I was only teasing about that, to tell the truth (NOTE TO SELF: only maim Kadh's character now... use Thorin for planned painful embarrassing death scene instead) since you have been more than generous with your praise for my outlet of insanity over the years!

I have vague memories of that cartoon... haven't seen it in years!!

If you click on the "An Opera" link in the title of the scene, you can watch an AVI version of the original cartoon in it's entirety.  I don't know if I'm going to get into any trouble for that, but I haven't gotten a complaint yet about anything else I've linked to and/or hosted.

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Narrative Interlude

How to Recognize Different Types of Tree From Quite a Long Way Away

Narrator:  Episode 10A, how to recognize different types of tree from quite a long way away.  Number 1... the ent.



(superimposed caption: THE ENT)

Narrator:  The ent.  The ent.  And now, number 3... the ent.



(superimposed caption: THE ENT)

Narrator:  The ent.  Number 1... the ent.  And now... the mallorn.



(superimposed caption: THE MALLORN)

Narrator:  And now... number 3, the ent.  The ent.  And now... the ent.



(superimposed caption: THE ENT)

Narrator:  And now--  ULK!!!

(the narrator falls forward to reveal several arrows, a sword, 3 daggers, and a battle axe embedded in his back)

[THUD]

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 11

Off to Erebor!

Narrator:  The master of the ruined Lake-town sits cold and wet on the shore of the dark lake looking over the devastation of Smaug the Golden's final resting place.  His grand house... his wealth... all that he had built... gone.

Master of Town:  All is lost.  Our town... is dead.
Bärd the Bowman:  (stepping out of the shadows carrying Andrømëdå) No it isn't.
Andrømëdå:  Put me down already-- I'm not dead!
Bärd the Bowman:  As long as we draw breath, our town lives on.
Master of Town:  No it doesn't!
Bärd the Bowman:  (looking around at the huddled survivors) We must set out for Dale immediately and reclaim the treasure from the mountain.  Doubtless, those bumbling dwarves perished first in fire before the dragon attacked us.
Master of Town:  Fantasy!  Leading and inspiring the masses for such a task is beyond the talents of one as solemn and grim as you.
Bärd the Bowman:  (smiling at Rømmë as he finally puts her down) Actually, I feel happy.  I feel happy!
(music suddenly begins playing nearby)
Master of Town:  Not again-- stop that!
Bärd the Bowman:  (singing) We are not dead yet,
We can dance and we can sing.
We are not dead yet,
We can have a schlapping fling.
We are not dead yet,
No need to see red,
No need to call it quits,
'Cause the dragon is dead!
Lake-town Survivors:  (singing) We are not yet dead,
That's what the bowman said.
No, we're not yet dead,
The Master is off his head.
We are not yet dead,
And since we need led,
Let's go north 'cause we're not yet dead!
(with the exception of the inconsolable Master of Town, everyone gathers around Bärd and heads toward the lonely mountain)
Lake-town Survivors:  (singing) Well, the dragon is dead,
Through the air the arrow sped.
Sure, now it's dead,
Buried in the lake bed.
You are such a king,
To slay that brutish thing,
That homicidal worm, now Smaug's really dead!
Who is this man, who is this man, unafraid of danger,
Who saved us from the dragon's anger?
Bärd the Bowman:  (singing) My name is Bärd of Dale.
From the line of Girion, I hail.
Restore a kingdom with me,
And as Bärdings you'll never fail!
Andrømëdå:  (singing) I want to stay with you,
But I love my father too.
I'm rather afraid he may,
Send me far away...
Bärd the Bowman:  (singing) I'm in love with you,
Rømmë, through and through and through
So marry me and our dreams will all come true!
Andrømëdå:  (singing) We'll become as one,
Though the coming days will be hard.
Bärd and Andrømëdå:  (singing) We'll be joined in wedded bliss,
Andrømëdå:  (singing) As Queen Rømmë,
Bärd the Bowman:  (singing) And King Bärd!
Lake-town Survivors:  (singing) Oh, we're off to Erebor,
Because we're not yet dead.
We will all enlist,
As the Bärdings that Bärd led.
(an army of wood elves joins in with the mass of humans)
Thranduil:  (singing) We awe coming too,
My elves will not be misled.
We awe youw best fwiends,
Now that the dwagon is dead!
Army of Elves and Humans:  (singing) Oh, we're not yet dead,
To the mountain we go.
We'll eat elven bread,
And try and earn some dough.
So although...
We wish we could have stayed in bed,
We're going off to Erebor,
Because we're not yet dead!
Bärd the Bowman:  (singing) With skill,
And will,
Rebuilding Dale is such a thrill!
Andrømëdå:  (singing) To have Bärd,
A palace with a yard,
And appoint our royal guard!
Army of Elves and Humans:  (singing) We're going off to Erebor,
Gold will be the latest fashion--
Legolas:  (singing) We'll be filmed by Peter Jackson!
Army of Elves and Humans:  (singing) Because we're not... yet... dead!
(the music comes to a sudden stop as the armies of men and elves reach the recently rebuilt front door of the lonely mountain)
Thorin:  Bugger off!!!  This is our mountain and treasure 'cause we dwarves are not dead yet!
Bärd the Bowman:  Nuts.

[Governor Ronjar]

I love Legolas' last line. Just so damn random!

Glad to see more posted on this one!

Must have more.

--guv!

[Hstaphath_XC]

I love Legolas' last line. Just so damn random!

Well... "fashion" and "Jackson" is only a slant-rhyme at best, but it just seemed to right to pass up.   

Glad to see more posted on this one!  Must have more.

I've been extremely overwhelmed with other projects for the last few weeks, but finally got some time free to get going on this again.  Only 3 more scenes to go until MP:Hobbit is complete!

[Hstaphath_XC]

I should point out that Scene 11 being another musical number was entirely due to the pestering I received from my teenage daughter to put a parody of her favorite Spamalot song in.  The original idea for that scene was very Black Adder influenced.  She is also the one responsible for the idea that all of the answers to the Gollum/Bilbo riddle contest should be SPAM.   

[Governor Ronjar]

That whole Spam routine would have been great for the play you mentioned in the other thread.

That was my favorite scene, by far.

--guv!

[Hstaphath_XC]

That whole Spam routine would have been great for the play you mentioned in the other thread.  That was my favorite scene, by far.

If we can get someone on the troupe to pull off a halfway decent Gollum impersonation, I think you've got something there!

Hmmm... you were in no way biased by that being the scene you made your debut in, right?   

Your next appearance is in Scene 13, btw.  Scene 12 should be posted this weekend with scenes 13 and 14 to quickly follow since they are already more than half done.

[Governor Ronjar]

Who me?
*looks around innocently, kicks at pebbles on the ground*

Seriously, the SPAM scene was the sh*t!

--guv!

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 12

War, Sir, is Raw

Narrator:  After a tense exchange of words at the now fortified entrance of Erebor, Thorin breaks the latest news to the rest of his companions.

Thorin:  It is war.  I have presented King Thranduil and King Bärd our perfectly reasonable demands that the elves depart immediately from our front door and that the humans put away their weapons if they have business with us.  They, in turn, relayed their demands and there is absolutely no hope of reaching an accord.  Any questions?
Gloin:  What exactly are their demands?
Thorin:  They want one twelfth portion of the treasure in compensation for slaying the dragon as well as for damages caused by Smaug and, now, a written apology from me for implying that there is something wrong with the way the king of the wood elves speaks.  Until that is delivered, we are to consider ourselves besieged.
Bilbo:  Besieged?
Balin:  Cut off from the rest of the world and left to starve.
Thorin:  Little do they realize that I have sent messenger ravens to our kin in the mountains of the north.  A dwarven army led by my cousin Dain Ironfoot should arrive at any time now from the Iron Hills.
Dwalin:  Of course, we must point out that they bear full responsibility when Dain's forces attack them.
Thorin:  I told them that they must do exactly as we say or else.  We shall not submit to blackmail!
Dwarves:  No blackmail!
Bilbo:  Can't I just give them my share to avoid any complications?
Thorin:  You don't understand the principle of the matter.  This is war!
Bilbo:  There simply must be a way we can work this out--
Thorin:  The humans wanting a share I can nearly understand, but why the elves feel entitled is beyond me!  They would bleed us white.  They would take what we have recovered after many grievous hardships... that which we have inherited by right from our fathers and from our fathers' fathers.
Loretta:  And from our fathers' fathers' fathers.
Thorin:  Yes.
Loretta:  And from our fathers' fathers' fathers' fathers!
Thorin:  Yes-- all right, Loretta, don't labor the point... and what have the elves ever given us?!
Gloin:  Medicine?
Thorin:  What?
Gloin:  You know... medical lore.
Thorin:  Oh.  Yes, okay... they did give us that.  Uh-- that's true.  Yes.
Nori:  And the runic alphabet.
Loretta:  Oh, yeah, the runic alphabet, Thorin.  Remember what they say Khuzdul used to be like before the runic alphabet?
Thorin:  Yes.  All right.  I'll grant you that medicine and the runic alphabet are two things that the elves have done.
Bifur:  And ringcraft.
Thorin:  Well, yes... obviously ringcraft.  I'm sure the verdict is still out on whether that counts for or against them, though.
Bifur:  Would you give up a Ring of Power if you had one?
Thorin:  True enough.  But, apart from medical lore, the runic alphabet, and ringcraft--
Fili:  Botany and ecology.
Gloin:  Archery.
Dwarves:  Huh?  Heh?  Huh...
Balin:  Epic poetry.
Dwarves:  Ohh...
Thorin:  Yes, yes.  All right.  Fair enough.
Bombur:  And wine.
Dwarves:  Oh, yes.  Yeah...
Dwalin:  Yeah, that's something we'd really miss, Thorin, if there hadn't been elves.
Bombur:  Particularly a nice Chardonnay when having fish.
Oin:  Or lembas.
Kili:  And the elves are the only reason it is safe to venture in many parts of middle earth these days.
Dwalin:  Yeah, they certainly know how to kill orcs and goblins.
Thorin:  All right... but, apart from the runic alphabet, medicine, poetry, wine, archery, ringcraft, botony, ecology, and the killing of our common foes, what have the elves ever done for us?!
Dwarves:  Yeah!

Narrator:  With the sounding of horns and the beating of drums the dwarven army arrives and prepares to force their way through the armies of men and elves to reach the mountain.  Just as the first arrows are being fired, Gandalf the Grey suddenly appears in the middle of the battlefield and, in a voice that echoes through the vale, summons the leaders of the soon to be combatant armies to meet him to parlay.

Gandalf:  Thank you all for coming. Today is indeed a unique occasion in the history of middle earth and we need to go about this properly.  I feel very privileged and deeply honored to introduce such famed personages.  Let me start with Dain Ironfoot, King of the Iron Hills, and cousin of Thorin.
(Dain, suspicious, nods slightly to the other leaders)
Gandalf:  Thranduil, known to all as the King of Northern Mirkwood-- or of the Greenwood, if you prefer.
(Thranduil nods with a smile)
Gandalf:  Bärd the Bowman, King of Dale, soon to be restored.
(Bärd gives a half bow to the others as Thorin arrives nearly out of breath)
Thorin:  What is all this then?!
Gandalf:  Excellent timing-- And this, of course, is Thorin Oakenshield, King Under the Mountain.
(Thorin impatiently nods to the others as Gandalf pulls a card from out of his robes)
Gandalf:  And the first question is for you, Dain.  The Hammers... the Hammers is the nickname of what hobbit football team?  The Hammers?
(Dain is completely bewildered by this question and obviously doesn't have a clue)
Gandalf:  No?  Well... bad luck there, Dain.  It is the nickname of the Hobbiton team.  So we'll go on to you, Thranduil. Bywater last won the Shire Cup in what year?
(Thranduil looks as dumbfounded as Dain)
Gandalf:  No?  I'll throw it open.  Bywater last won the Shire Cup in what year?
(they all look blankly at the possibly insane wizard)
Gandalf:  Well, I'm not surprised you didn't get that.  It was, in fact, a trick question.  Bywater has never won the Shire Cup.  So, with the scores all equal, now we go on to our second round.  Bärd, it's your starter for ten.
Bärd:  Okay...
Gandalf:  Arwen Evenstar won the Rivendell Song Contest in 2857.  What was the name of the song?  Arwen Evenstar's song in the 2857 Rivendell Song Contest?  Anybody?
(King Thranduil hesitantly raises his hand)
Gandalf:  Yes, Thranduil?
Thranduil:  I'm bwinging sexy back?
Gandalf:  Yes-- it was indeed!  Well challenged.
(smattering of applause)
Gandalf:  Well, now we come to our special lightning round.  The contestant is Thorin Oakenshield and the prize is the Arkenstone of Thrain which was recently recovered from his treasure horde by that most esteemed of hobbits, Bilbo Baggins.
Thorin:  What?!  That miserable blasted burglar-- that is mine!
(Gandalf throws open a wooden chest revealing a large marvelous stone... it looks as if a diamond globe has been filled with moonlight and the frosty glints of distant stars)
Gandalf:  Now Thorin, to reclaim this most prized possession of your family fortune, you must answer the following three questions correctly.  Are you nervous?
(Thorin, still stunned by this turn of events, barely nods)
Gandalf:  How large are the armies of men and elves arrayed against you?
Thorin:  Ummm... the humans have just over 1000 troops since being reinforced by at least two clans of allied northerners with about 250 armed with long bows, 250 with spears, and 500 with swords.  The elves seem to have brought about 1500 warriors who are nearly evenly divided between arrow chuckers and spears.
Gandalf:  Excellent, yes... that is entirely correct. You're on your way to reclaiming the Arkenstone.  Question number two.  How large are the dwarven forces that you and Dain command?  How large?
Thorin:  Over 500 veteran heavy infantry with warhammers and swords.
Gandalf:  Yes, yes!  One final question and the wonderous Arkenstone will be yours... are you going to have a go?
(Thorin nods that he is ready)
Gandalf:  Thorin, your final question... who won the Shire Cup in 2849?
Thorin:  Wha-- I don't know that!
Gandalf:  A pity... it was, in fact, the Buckland Blackbirds who beat Nobottle 3-1.
Thorin:  This is outrageous--
Gandalf:  Not to fret, because I have one final bonus question that will resolve everything.
Thorin:  Then, by all means, please ask it!
Gandalf:  Okay, the final winner takes all question.  Since I have successfully managed to stall you idiots from fighting each other just long enough... exactly what are the chances of your combined force of three thousand holding out against the over seven thousand goblins, wolves, and wargs that are just now coming around the bend of the Running River to kill you all?
(dramatic pause)
Dain:  We are so flûk'd.
Gandalf:  Quite right.

[Governor Ronjar]

 

all I can say!

--guv!!