Topic: Monty Python: The Hobbit (finally!)

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 5

Goblins, Sheep, and Bears-- Oh My!

Narrator:  Having escaped the Goblin infested tunnels beneath the Misty Mountains, Bilbo Baggins had no trouble finding the well trampled trail left by his companions heading east.  After several hours, he arrives at an immense homestead of wooden buildings with neatly fenced fields of horses, beehives, cows, and sheep.  It is the home of old Beorn, chieftain of the Beornings, and a man of ursine strength, fiery temper, and an unquenchable hatred of Goblins.  The demoralized dwarves of Thorin's company have gathered in Beorn's main hall to discuss their current situation.

Bifur:  The ponies?
Fili:  Lost.
Loretta:  All our baggage?
Oin:  Gone.
Bombur:  The food?
Nori:  Lost.
Thorin:  And the burglar?
Balin:  Also lost.
Thorin:  I now propose that our former fellow adventurer and compatriot be now entered in the quest minutes as a probationary martyr to the cause.
Loretta:  I second that, Thorin.
Thorin:  Thank you, Bof-- Loretta.  On the nod!
[THUMP]
Dwalin:  Let us not be downhearted.  One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning!  Bilbo's glorious death shall unite us all in a--
(Bilbo happily strolls into the room)
Kili:  Look out!
Bilbo:  Hello?  Balin!  Thorin!
Thorin:  Go away!
Bilbo:  Hmmm?  Thorin, it's me... Bilbo!
Ori:  Get off!  Get off out of it!
Bilbo:  Gloin!
Loretta:  Piss off.
Gloin:  Yeah, piss off!
Thorin:  Bugger off.
Bilbo:  Wha--
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
Dwarves:  Ohh...
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
Dwarves:  ...flûk!
[BAM]
Bilbo:  Uhh...
Beorn:  (yelling in the direction of the front door) Coming!
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
Beorn:  Just a moment!
(Bilbo and the dwarves do a very bad job of hiding in plain sight)
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
Beorn:  My eyes are dim.  I cannot see.
Goblin Captain:  (Reading from a recently revised phrase book) You be Beorn the Bear Man?
Beorn:  Yes.
Goblin Captain:  We having reason believing you hiding members of terrorist organization, Dwarven Front of Erebor.
Beorn:  Me?  No... I'm just a poor old man.  I have no time for those sort.  My legs are gray.  My ears are gnarled.  My eyes are old and bent.
Goblin Captain:  Quiet!  Silly human.  Goblins!  Search house.
[STOMP STOMP STOMP]
Goblin Captain:  You knowing penalty for harboring criminals?
Beorn:  No.
Goblin Captain:  Eaten alive.
Beorn:  Oh.
Goblin Captain:  Nasty, eh?
Beorn:  Humph.  Could be worse.
Goblin Captain:  What you meaning, could be worse?!
Beorn:  Well, you could be stabbed.
Goblin Captain:  (reads phrase book, but doesn't believe it) Stabbed?!  Takes half second.  Eaten could lasting hours!  Slow horrible death!
Beorn:  Well, at least nothing goes to waste.
Goblin Captain:  You weird.
[STOMP STOMP STOMP]
Goblin Sergeant:  We no finding anything.
Goblin Captain:  Do not be worry!  You not seeing last of us, weirdo.
Beorn:  Big Nose.
Goblin Captain:  Watch it!
(grumpily, the Goblins leave)
Dwalin:  Phew, that was lucky.
Bilbo:  I'm sorry, Thorin.
Thorin:  Ohhh, it's all right, then.  He's sorry.  He's sorry he led an angry Goblin horde straight to us.  Well... that's all right, then, Bilbo.  Sit down.  Have some bread with honey and butter.  Make yourself at home.
Bilbo:  Thank you!  Yes, that would be most wel--
Thorin:  You klutz!  You stupid, bumbling, useless--
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
(Bilbo and the dwarves do an even worse job of hiding in plain sight)
Beorn:  My legs are old and bent.  My ears are grizzled.  Yes?
Goblin Captain:  There being one place we not look.  Goblins!
Beorn:  I'm just a poor old man.
[STOMP STOMP STOMP]
Beorn:  My eyesight is bad.  My legs are poor.  My nose is knackered.
Goblin Captain:  You ever seeing anyone being eat alive?
Beorn:  Being eaten is a doddle.
Goblin Captain:  Do not keeping say that.
[STOMP STOMP STOMP]
Goblin Sergeant:  We find this spoon.
Goblin Captain:  Well done!  We being back, oddball.
(the Goblins leave again)
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
Goblin Captain:  Open up door!
Beorn:  You haven't given them time to hide!
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
Beorn:  Out the back door, quick!
Thorin:  Right, follow me!
[BAM BAM BAM]
Bilbo:  What about Mr. Beorn?
Beorn:  Oh-- thank you, but don't worry about me.  Hehe... I'll hold them off for as long as I can.
[BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM]
(Bilbo and the dwarves rush out the back door of Beorn's hall)
Beorn:  (slamming the back door shut)  Right... now let me change into something a little more comfortable.
[BAM BAM BAM CRACK-CRACK]
Goblin Captain:  Games be over, old man!  You telling us where--
[GROOOAARRRR]
Goblins:  Aaaarrrgh!!!
(meanwhile, in the back yard, the dwarves huddle to discuss what to do next while Bilbo discovers Gandalf staring at trees)
Bilbo:  Gandalf!
Gandalf:  Ah, Bilbo!  I am very relieved to see you, though I somehow just knew you would show up.  How are you?
Bilbo:  Better than I was, truly, since I must say it is a joy to be out from under that wretched mountain!  Ahhh... aside from what sounds like screaming Goblins playing with an angry bear, it is a very lovely day isn't it?
Gandalf:  Yes, it is that.  I have been preparing for the next leg of our journey, but these 5 fir trees have held my attention for the last few hours.
Bilbo:  Oh, really?  Uhhh... those-- those are sheep aren't they?
[BAAA-baaa-BAA]
Gandalf:  Indeed they are!
Bilbo:  I rather thought they were. Only-- well, ummm... what are they doing up in the trees?
Gandalf:  A fair question and one that has been much on my mind since we arrived here at Beorn's homestead. It is my considered opinion that they are, oddly enough, nesting.
Bilbo:  Nesting?
Gandalf:  Yes.
Bilbo:  Like birds?
Gandalf:  Exactly so. It is my belief that these sheep are laboring under the misconception that they are, in fact, birds. Just observe their behavior... how they have a tendency to hop about the field on their hind legs... or their attempts to fly from tree to tree.
[Baaa-BAAAAA]
[FLAP-FLAP-FLAP]
[THUD]
Gandalf:  You will notice that they do not so much fly as... well, plummet.
Bilbo:  Why on Middle Earth would they think they are birds?!
Gandalf:  Another fair question. One thing we can be sure, of course, is that sheep are not creatures of the air. They have enormous difficulty in achieving even the comparatively simple act of perching, for example.
[BAAA-baaa-BAAAAAA]
[FLAP-FLAP]
[THUMP]
Gandalf:  The trouble, however, is that sheep are very dim. Once they get an idea in their heads, there is simply no reasoning with them about it.
Bilbo:  But where would they get such an idea from in the first place?
Gandalf:  I must confirm this with Beorn, but I believe Wiley started all this-- that one right there. He is that most dangerous of creatures... a clever sheep. He must have realized at some point that a sheep's life consists of standing around for a few months, getting sheared, and then most likely being eaten. It must be quite a depressing prospect for an ambitious sheep.
Bilbo:  Well, why don't we just do something about this Wiley one?
Gandalf:  ...because of the enormous commercial possibilities of ovine aviation if he succeeds!
Dori:  Gandalf!  An army of goblins riding on wargs is nearly here!!!
Gandalf:  Ah, yes.  That would be the reinforcements arriving finally.  I don't believe our valiant host will be able to hold off all of them, so our only hope is to fly out of here.
Bilbo:  What?  Fly... on the sheep?!
Gandalf:  Don't be ridiculous!  They are hardly ready for that sort of thing... really now.  I was thinking of asking my giant northern eagle friends over there to help us out.
Bilbo:  Oh.
[BA-baaaaaa-BAAA]
[FLAP-FLAP-FLAP]
[THUD]

[Commander La'ra]

How do you always managed to make me spit tea out my nose?

[Andromeda]

OMG!  THE best scene yet.  Very amusing.  I do like the flying sheep sketch.

[Hstaphath_XC]

How do you always managed to make me spit tea out my nose?

Because I took that as my epic Bard level 23 bonus feat.   

OMG!  THE best scene yet.  Very amusing.  I do like the flying sheep sketch.

Thanks Rommie!  Lots of my favorite Flying Circus moments are sneaking into this one.  If I can get a few minutes today to finish off the narrative interlude, I will get it and Scene 6 posted.

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Narrative Interlude

Out of the Frying-Pan and into the Fire, Rinse and Repeat

Narrator:  And so, with the timely aid provided by Manwe, Lord of the Great Eagles of the North, the 15 companions escaped from the vengeful crazed Goblins of the Misty Mountains.  Traveling as far east as they were willing to go, the eagles dropped the dwarves, hobbit, and wizard at the western edge of Mirkwood, formerly called the Greenwood, and even provided them with a few rabbits and sheep for food.
Dwarves:  Yay!
Narrator:  However, the spirits of the company were soon dashed again when Gandalf announced that he had business to the south to attend to and would be leaving them to go the rest of the way on their own.
Dwarves:  Doh!
Narrator:  Sending them off with the critical advice that all they needed to do was stick to the forest path, Gandalf bid them farewell and the, now 14, companions made rather good time traveling through Mirkwood.
Dwarves:  Yay!
Narrator:  Until, due to hunger, they decided to leave the forest path and promptly become surrounded and taken by giant spiders who were also in search of dinner.
Dwarves:  Doh!
Narrator:  Luckily, thanks to his magic ring and elven sword, Bilbo was able to drive the spiders away and rescue the dwarves.
Dwarves:  Yay!
Narrator:  But now the company was hopelessly lost, exhausted, and starving in the midst of the Mirkwood.
Dwarves:  Doh!
Narrator:  Until they chanced upon a group of wood elves having a feast in a forest clearing.
Dwarves:  Yay!
Narrator:  Elves that wanted nothing to do with strangers and kept disappearing every time they got close.
Dwarves:  Doh!
Narrator:  Persistence paid off, however, and the elves finally grew tired of being harrassed.
Dwarves:  Yay!
Narrator:  And easily took the dwarves captive.
Dwarves:  Doh!
Narrator:  Using his ring of power once more, Bilbo avoided capture and followed the dwarves and wood elves back to the palace cave of King Thranduil of the Greenwood... errr-- Mirkwood.  It's really all about skillful marketing, you know.
Legolas:  We must take these trespassers to my father for questioning, straight away.
Fangirls in Audience:  (squeeling) OH MY GOD-- LEGOLAS!  YAY!!!
Fanboys in Audience:  Doh!

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 6

Kingdom of the Wood Elves

Narrator:  Within the great cave palace of King Thranduil, preparations are well underway for the much anticipated harvest celebration of the wood elves.  Quiet and invisible, Bilbo finds his way to the elven king.

Thranduil:  ...make one lawge living awea--
Czar:  Hail, King of the Greenwood!
Thranduil:  Hail, Czaw Mohab.
Czar:  Here is one of the captives your son Legolas brought in, my lord.
Thranduil:  Ah, yes... thwow him to the floow.
Czar:  What, sire?
Thranduil:  Thwow him to the floow.
Czar:  Right.
[WHUMP]
Thorin:  Aaagh!
Thranduil:  Hmmm... now, what is youw name?
Thorin:  Thorin.
Thranduil:  Thowin, eh?
Thorin:  No, no.  Thorin.
[SLAP]
Thorin:  Aiee!
Thranduil:  Hoo-hoo, hoo-ho.  The little wascal has spiwit.
Czar:  Has what?
Thranduil:  Spiwit.
Czar:  Yes, he did.
Thranduil:  No, no-- spiwit.  Ummm... bwavado.  A touch of dewwing-do.
Czar:  Oh.  Ahhh... about eleven, my king.
Thranduil:  So, you dawe to waid us.
Thorin:  To what?
Thranduil:  Stwike him, Czaw, vewy woughly!
[SMACK]
Thorin:  Aaah!
Czar:  Oh-- and, uhhh... throw him to the floor, sire?
Thranduil:  What?
Czar:  Thwow him to the floow again?
Thranduil:  Oh, yes.  Thwow him to the floow, please.
[WHUMP]
Thorin:  Aaagh!
Thranduil:  Now, duewgaw wapscallion.
Thorin:  I'm not a duergar!  I'm a dwarf.
Thranduil:  A dwawf?
Thorin:  No, no.  Dwarf.
[SLAP]
Thorin:  Aiee!
Thranduil:  So, youw fathew was a dwawf.  Who was he?
Thorin:  He was a great and might leader, though a king in exile.
Thranduil:  Weally?  What was his name?
Thorin:  Errr... Thain Thrain.  The second.
Czar:  Ahh, ha-ha!
Thranduil:  Czaw, do we know of anyone of that name among the dwawven woyalty?
Czar:  Well... no, sire.
Thranduil:  You sound vewy suwe.  Have you checked?
Czar:  Well, no.  Ummm... I think it's a joke.  Like, uhhh... Nortiuth Maximuth, Klinkus Kadhus, or Biggesti Dickesti.
Elven Guard #4:  (chuckling)
Thranduil:  What's so... funny about Biggesti Dickesti?
Czar:  Well... it's a joke name, my king.
Thranduil:  I have a vewy gweat fwiend just awwived fwom Lothlowien named Biggesti Dickesti.
Elven Guard #4:  (chuckling)
Thranduil:  Silence!  What is all this insolence?  You will find youwself on bawwel wolling duty vewy quickly with wotten behaviouw like that!
Thorin:  Can I go now?
[SLAP]
Thorin:  Aiee!
Thranduil:  Wait till Biggesti Dickesti heaws of this.
Elven Guard #3:  (chuckling)
Thranduil:  Wight!  Seize the dwawf!
Czar:  Oh, sire, he... he only--
Thranduil:  No, no!  I want him locked away with wabid, wild wodents in a dawk cell.
Czar:  Of course, my king.  Ummm... perhaps Biggesti Dickesti could--
Elven Guard #4:  (laughing)
Thranduil:  I will not have my fwiends widiculed by the common soldiewy!  Anybody else feel like a little... giggle... when I mention my fwiend... Biggesti...
Elven Guard #1:  (chuckling)
Thranduil:  ...Dickesti?
Elven Guard #3:  (chuckling)
Thranduil:  What about you?  Do you find it... wisible... when I say the name... Biggesti...
Elven Guard #2:  (chuckle)
Thranduil:  ...Dickesti?
Elven Guards:  (chuckling)
Thranduil:  He has a wife, you know.  She's called... Sewailian.  Sewailian Linnod'aduial.
Thorin:  The Serailian Linnod'aduial?!
[SMACK]
Thorin:  Aiee!
[WHUMP]
Thorin:  Aarrgh!
Elven Guards:  (laughing)
Thranduil:  Stop!  What is all this?!
Elven Guards:  Ha, ha ha-ha, ho hoo-- ha ha...
Thranduil:  I've had enough of this wowdy wude sniggewing behaviouw.  Silence!  Call youwselves my elite Sindawian guawds?!
(an elven messenger hurries into the king's throne room to whisper something to Czar Mohab)
Czar:  I beg your pardon, my king, but I've just been informed that the crowd gathering outside for the harvest celebration is getting a bit restless.  Permission to disperse them, please?
Thranduil:  Dispewse them?  But I haven't addwessed them yet.
Czar:  Ah, no... I know, sire, but--
Thranduil:  My addwess is one of the high points of the hawvest celebwation.  My fwiend, Biggesti Dickesti, has come all the way fwom Lothlowien just to heaw it.
(Biggesti Dickesti enters the throne room)
Thranduil:  Gweetings Biggesti!
Biggesti:  Greetingth Thranduil!
Czar:  You're not-- ah, you're not, uhhh... thinking of-- of giving it a miss this year, then?
Thranduil:  Give it a miss?
Czar:  Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today.
Thranduil:  Weally, Czaw?  I'm suwpwised to heaw a mighty wawwiow like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy wevelews.
Czar:  A-- a bit thundery.  They've already been at the good wine.
Thranduil:  As fow the dwawf, take him away.
Thorin:  I am royalty!  I-- I can prove it, honestly!
Thranduil:  And put him in a vewy dawk cell!
Czar:  Ah, I-- I really wouldn't, sire.
Thranduil:  Out of the way, Czaw.
Biggesti:  Let me come with you, Thranduil.  I may be of thome athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith.
Thranduil:  Yes, an excellent suggestion!
(elven horns and harps play as Thranduil, Biggesti, Czar, and the king's guards make their way out of the palace)
Crowd:  (cheering)
Thranduil:  Elves of the Gween Wood!
Crowd:  (chuckling)
Thranduil:  Natuwe is ouw genewous fwiend.
Crowd:  (laughing)
Thranduil:  To pwove ouw own genewosity, it is customawy at the hawvest celebwation to welease a wongdoew fwom ouw pwison.
Crowd:  (laughing)
Elven Guard #3:  (chuckling)
Thranduil:  Whom would you have me welease?
Young Elven Male:  Release Ragnor!
Crowd:  (laughing)  Yes!  Welease Wagnow!  Welease Wagnow!
Thranduil:  Vewy well.  I shall welease Wagnow!
Crowd:  (cheering)
Czar:  Sire, uhhh... we don't have a Ragnor.
Thranduil:  What?
Czar:  Uh, we don't have anyone of that name, my king.
Thranduil:  Ah.  We have no Wagnow!
Crowd:  Ohhhhh!
Young Elven Male:  Well, what about Radhruin, then?
Crowd:  Yes!  Welease Wadhwuin!  Welease Wadhwuin!
Thranduil:  Czaw, why do they tittew so?
Czar:  Just some drunken joke, sire.
Thranduil:  Awe they... wagging me?
Czar:  Oh-- no, my lord!
Elven Guard #3:  (chuckling)
Thranduil:  Vewy well.  I shall welease... Wadhwuin!
Crowd:  (laughing)
Czar:  Ummm... we don't have a Radhruin either.
Thranduil:  No Wagnow?  No Wadhwuin?
Czar:  Sorry, sire.
Thranduil:  Who is this Wadh--
Elven Guard #1:  (chuckle)
Thranduil:  Who is the Wadhwuin to whom you wefew?
Young Elven Male:  He's a wobber!
Crowd:  (laughing)
Elven Male:  And a wapist!
Crowd:  (laughing)
Elven Female:  And a pickpocket!
Crowd:  Yeah!  Ahh, no!  No!  Shh!  Shh...
Thranduil:  He sounds like a notowious cwiminal.
Czar:  We haven't got him.
Thranduil:  Do we have anyone in ouw pwison at all?!
Czar:  Oh, yes, of course.  We've got, uhhh... Samadoc, sire.
Thranduil:  Samadoc?
Czar:  Samadoc the South Central Shire Strangler.  Uh, Celebus the Celebdilian Assassin.  Uh, seven singing dwarves from Disney.  Uhhh... sixty-seven goblins from--
Biggesti:  Let me thpeak to them, Thranduil!
Czar:  Oh, no.  Oh--
Thranduil:  Ah-- good idea, Biggesti!
Biggesti:  Thitizenth of the Green wood!  We have Thamadoc the Thouth Thentral Thire Thtrangler, Thelebuth...
Crowd:  (laughing)
Biggesti:  ...the Thelebdilian Athhathhin, theven thinging dwarvth from Dithney and...
Crowd:  (laughing hysterically)
Biggesti:  Wath it thomething I thaid?
Crowd:  (laughing)
Thranduil:  Silence!
Elven Female:  Huh huh huh huh huh!
Thranduil:  This good and noble elf leads a cwack awchewy division!
Crowd:  (laughing)
Thranduil:  He wanks as high as any in Lothlowien!
Crowd:  (laughing hysterically)
(Bilbo, wearing his magic ring, slips unseen into the raucous drunken crowd of wood elves as this exchange goes on for awhile)
Thranduil:  All wight...  I will give you one mowe chance.  This time, I want to heaw no Wadagast's, no Wanugad's of Wohan, no Awagown the Wangew fwom Wivendell--
Biggesti:  No Tharuman the Thage'th!
Thranduil:  ...ow we shall welease no one!
Bilbo:  (invisible) Release Thorin!
Elven Male:  Oh, yeah.  That's a good one.
Elven Female:  Yeah.
Young Elven Male:  Release Thorin!
Crowd:  (laughing)  Welease Thowin!  Welease Thowin!
Thranduil:  Vewy well.  That's it.
Czar:  We, uhhh... we have a Thorin, sire.
Thranduil:  What?
Czar:  You just sent him down to our deepest, darkest cell.
Thranduil:  Uhhh...  Wait!  Ah-- wait!  We do have a Thowin!  Well, go and wepwieve him, stwaight away.
Czar:  Yes, my king.
Thranduil:  Vewy well!  I shall... welease... Thowin!

[Czar Mohab]

Can't stop laughing... (Yay!)

Hard to type... (Doh!)

It keeps getting better... (Yay!)

So hard to breathe... (Doh!)

In all seriousness, this and your LotR scripts really need to be forever preserved... This is the kind of funny that should be shared with everyone... It is the ultimate funny to come from blending MP and LotR/TH.

Keep up the excelent work!

Czaw "No, I'm not just saying that because I got a part (in the Biggesti Dickesti scene, no less (WOOT!)); I really mean it!" Mohab

P.S. Thanks for the part!

[Hstaphath_XC]

ROFL!!!  Thanks Czar!   

This is the kind of funny that should be shared with everyone... It is the ultimate funny to come from blending MP and LotR/TH.

If I ever get my epic parody trilogy + prelude professionally published, I'm putting your endorsement on the cover.  Seriously.

P.S. Thanks for the part!

Your part isn't over yet, by any means!  You are in the next scene and then will later appear in the battle of 5 armies... possibly leading elven commandos since Biggesti will be commanding the cwack awchewy division.   

[kadh2000]

Kwinkus Kadhus is a joke?  That's tewwibwel.!!

[Ferretlxix_XC]

LMAO!!!  Always love your work!   Thanks for the heads up on my favorite part.

[Governor Ronjar]

THIS IS GREAT!!!

--guv!!

[Hstaphath_XC]

Kwinkus Kadhus is a joke?  That's tewwibwel.!!

I am working on the next scene, but it keeps turning into something along the lines of:

Legolas:  There is a very demon of Udun attacking us!
Kadh:  I am Kadh son of Qoheleth and all of you arrow-chucking Romulan k'pekt will die this day!!!
Thranduil:  Wun away-- ULK!

*SHRUG*  I'll keep working on it...   

LMAO!!!  Always love your work!   Thanks for the heads up on my favorite part.

Thanks bro!  Glad to see you come up for air every once in a while.   

THIS IS GREAT!!! --guv!!

I seem to have some comedic momentum rolling so I'll try to ride it as far as it will take me.  I believe you and K-Fo will be making another appearance, btw.

[kadh2000]

Snort.  Three lines and I'm cracking up.  My name is Kadhymandius. Klingon of Klingons. Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 7

Barrels Out of Bondage

Narrator:  While the harvest festival of the wood elves continues outside the palace of King Thranduil, a few unlucky elves on prison duty process the recent rush of captives.

Galion:  Next.
Balin:  Balin son of Fundin.
Galion:  Imprisonment?
Balin:  Yes.
Galion:  Good.  Out of the door.  Hall on the left.  One cell each.  Next.
Loretta:  Loretta.
Galion:  Imprisonment?
Loretta:  Yes.
Galion:  Good.  Out of the door.  Hall on the left.  One cell each.  Next.
Kadh:  Kadh Qohelethson.
Galion:  Imprisonment?
Kadh:  Humph, no.  Freedom.
Jailer:  Hmm?
Galion:  What?
Kadh:  Freedom for me.  They said I was entirely justified in pillaging that village, so I could go free and join the corsairs of Umbar or something.
Galion:  Oh-- oh, that's good news.  Well... off you go, then.
Kadh:  Naaah, you pointy-eared k'pekt, I'm only pulling your leg!  It's imprisonment, really.
Galion:  Oh, ho-ho.
Kadh:  Heh heh.
Galion:  I see.  Uhhh... very good, very good.  Well, out of the door.  One--
Kadh:  Yeah.  I know the way.  Out of the door.
Galion:  Hall on--
Kadh:  One cell each.  Hall on the left.
Galion:  Hall on the left.
Kadh:  Heh heh.
Galion:  Yes.  Thank you.  Next.
Fili:  Fili son of Dis.
Galion:  Imprisonment?
Fili:  Yes.
Galion:  Good.  Out of the door.  Hall on the left.  One cell each.  Jailer?
Thorin:  Excuse me.  There's been some sort of mistake.
Galion:  Just a moment, would you?  Jailer, how many have come through?
Jailer:  What?
Galion:  Uh, how many have come through?
Jailer:  What?
Jailer's Assistant:  Uh, y-- y-- y-- you'll have to s-- speak-- s-- spe-- s-- p-- peak-- speak up a bit.  He's-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d-- he's d--
Galion:  Ahhh...
Jailer's Assistant:  Oh, he's-- he's--
[WHAP]
Jailer's Assistant:  He's deaf as-- dea-- deaf as a p-- p-- post.
Galion:  (shouting) Uhh-- how many have come through?!
Jailer:  Hee-hee hee hee-hee hee-hee hee hee.
Galion:  Oh, confound it.
Jailer:  Hee-huh.
Jailer's Assistant:  I make it twenty-fff--
Galion:  Ah.
Jailer's Assistant:  twenty-fff-- twenty-fffff-- twenty-six.
Galion:  Oh.  It's such a senseless waste of storage space, isn't it?
Jailer's Assistant:  N-- n-- n-- n-- no.  N-- not-- not with the harvest celebration clearing out the larders.  Lot's of room n-- n-- now. Imprisonment is too good for this lot, though... you ask me.
Galion:  I don't think you can say it's too good for them.  It's-- it's very distressing.
Jailer's Assistant:  Well, it's not as d-- d-- di-- d-- dis-- n-- no-- no-- not as d-- distressing as something I just thought up.
Galion:  No?
Bilbo:  (invisible) Like sticking them in barrels.
Jailer:  Hmmm?
Galion:  Now, ummm-- imprisonment.
Thorin:  Is there someone I can speak to?
Galion:  Well--
Jailer:  I know where to get them, if you want them.
Galion:  What?
Bilbo:  (invisible) Barrels.
Jailer's Assistant:  Uh, d-- don-- don't worry about hi-- him.  He's de-- he's de--
[WHAP]
Jailer's Assistant:  He's de-- de-- de-- he's deaf and m-- ma-- m-- mad.
Galion:  How did he get the job?
Jailer's Assistant:  He's ruddy Thranduil's pet, I suppose.
Jailer:  Heh heh.
Kadh:  Get a move on, dwarves!  There are people waiting to be imprisoned here.  Ha-ha ha ha-hah!
Thorin:  Could I see a lawyer or someone?
Galion:  Ummm... do-- do you have a lawyer?
Thorin:  No, but I am dwarven royalty.
Kadh:  How about a re-trial?  We've got nothing but time.
Thorin:  Shut up, you!
Kadh:  Miserable, cranky dwarven ko'tal.  No sense of humor.
Galion:  I'm sorry, but we are in a bit of a hurry.  Can you go straight out?  Hall on the left.  One cell each--
(King Thranduil's son, Legolas, approaches to find out what is causing the delay in processing the prisoners)
Legolas:  Get a move on, there!
Kadh:  Or what?
Legolas:  Or you will answer for your lack of cooperation.
Kadh:  You mean I might have to give up being locked away for life?  You tree-hugging p'tahk don't believe in killing your captives.
Legolas:  Be silent!
Kadh:  That would be a blow, wouldn't it?  I might get fat if I go and give up my bread and water diet.
(Legolas shuts the small heavy oak door himself as Kadh, the last of the day's prisoners, is put in his cell)
Czar:  (hurrying into the prison block) Where have they gone?!
Jailer:  We've-- we've got loads of barrels down by the water gate.
Czar:  What?
Jailer's Assistant:  Oh, don't worry about him.  He's ma-- he's m-- he's ma-- he-- he-- he's m-- m-- m-- he's m-- he's m--
[CLOP]
Jailer's Assistant:  He's mad.
Czar:  Have they been locked away?!
Jailer's Assistant:  Oh, ye-- nnnnn--  Ay, n-- na--
Jailer:  Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.
Jailer's Assistant:  Na-- na--
Jailer:  Heh-hehh.  Heh heh...
Jailer's Assistant:  Na-- na-- na-- na-- n--
Czar:  Oh, come on!
Jailer's Assistant:  N-- nnnyes.
(frustrated, Czar goes over to where Legolas has wandered to on the other side of the block of cells)
Jailer's Assistant:  Eh, huh.  Anyway, get on with the story.
Jailer:  Well... I knew she never really liked Biggesti, so we started to kiss--
Dwalin:  Bloody elves!
Czar:  Watch it!  There are cells lower down than these that we can put you in.
Legolas:  Hail, Czar Mohab!
Czar:  Hail, Legolas Greenleaf!
Legolas:  What brings you to this dreary place?
Czar:  The king's orders, my prince.
Legolas:  What are my noble father's wishes?
Kadh:  Hey!  Whiny dwarf that is stuck in the cell next to mine.  Not so bad for a prison, eh?  You being rescued soon, by any chance?
Thorin:  It's a bit late for that now, isn't it?
Kadh:  Oh-- now, now.  We've got nothing but time down here.  Plenty of chances to escape.  Lots of people get rescued from this place.
Thorin:  Ohh?
Kadh:  Oh, yeah.  My blood brother La'ra usually rescues me... if he can keep off the tail for more than twenty minutes.  Huh.
Thorin:  Ahhh?
Kadh:  Randy bugger... up and down like the fortunes of Gondor. Heh heh heh--
Bilbo:  (invisible) Psst-- Thorin!
Thorin:  Burglar Bilbo-- Thank Aule's hammer you've come!
Bilbo:  (invisible) Ahh, yes.  I believe I have a plan for getting you all out of here.  There are several empty barrels near a lightly guarded water gate.
Thorin:  What?
Bilbo:  (invisible) The idea is to get all of you in the barrels and then float our way to freedom once all these elves are good and drunk on their autumn wine.
(pause)
Kadh:  Sounds reasonable to me.
Thorin:  Are you out of your pipeweed-addled mind?!
Bilbo:  (invisible) Uhhh--
Thorin:  Why don't you just drown us in our water bowls and make a quicker end of it?!
Czar:  We are to release Thorin son of Thrain in accordance with our harvest celebration tradition.
Legolas:  As my father commands, so it shall be done.  I shall see to it personally!
Czar:  Thank you, my prince.  I shall return to the celebration to attend your father, then.
Thorin:  You dolt!  You brainless halfling!
Legolas:  (shouting) Where is Thorin son of Thrain?!
Thorin:  You would have us bruised and battered to pieces--
Legolas:  I have an order for his welease-- I mean, release!
Thorin:  Just to drown us in the end for our troubles!
Kadh:  Uhhh... I'm Thorin son of Thrain.
Thorin:  What?!
Kadh:  Yeah, I-- I'm Thorin son of Thrain.
Legolas:  Release him!
Thorin:  I am Thorin son of Thrain!
Celebus:  Eh, I'm Thorin!
Gloin:  I'm Thorin!
Samadoc:  Look, I'm Thorin!
Thorin:  I am the Thorin!
Prisoners:  (shouting) I'm Thorin!
Kili:  I'm Thorin, and so is my brother!
Prisoners:  (shouting) I'm Thorin!  I'm Thorin!
Thorin:  I am Thorin son of Thrain!
Legolas:  All right.  Take that one away and release him.
Kadh:  (being dragged out) No, I'm only joking.  I'm not really Thorin.  No, I'm not Thorin.  Do I even look like a dwarf?!  I was only--
Jailer's Assistant:  C-- c-- come along now, eh?!
Kadh:  (still being dragged) Stupid baktags, it was a joke.  I'm only pulling your leg!  It's a joke!  I'm not him!  Qu'vath guy'cha v'aka-- put me back!  Blasted wood elves-- can't take a joke!
(the excitement in the prison eventually dies down)
Thorin:  So... barrels out of bondage, you say?
Bilbo:  (invisible) Yes.  Barrels.

[Hstaphath_XC]

... My name is Kadhymandius. Klingon of Klingons. Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!

Hehe... we already do, my friend.  We already do.   

On a side note, even though she appears in Scene 8 (coming up next), Rommie's big musical number isn't until Scene 10.   

Edit: Soreyes has cameos in scenes 8 and 10 as well... not as Baldrick, however.

[kadh2000]

Good stuff.  If I had time to write more I would, but I'm busy trying not to escape.

[Hstaphath_XC]

Good stuff.  If I had time to write more I would, but I'm busy trying not to escape.

A likely story... it's more plausible that you are just buying time until La'ra can rescue you.   

[Andromeda]

I get a musical number?  Excelsior!

[Hstaphath_XC]

I get a musical number?  Excelsior!

Two musical numbers, actually, but the first one is rather short.   

I have the next scene nearly ready to post.

[Scottish Andy]

Okay, that's me finally caught up with this too, and there are just too many damn good bits to pick out! It'd be easier to arrange the letters of the bits that weren't funny into a Times crossword puzzle!

Czar got such a fantastic role! Cheezy bastich, must be ruddy Hsta's pet!(aQ)   I love John Cleese's centurion in that scene. "Oh, NO sah!"

And Comedy Kadh... wow... talk about casting against type! hehehehe

Also of special mention:

Gandalf:  Another fair question. One thing we can be sure, of course, is that sheep are not creatures of the air. They have enormous difficulty in achieving even the comparatively simple act of perching, for example.
[BAAA-baaa-BAAAAAA]
[FLAP-FLAP]
[THUMP]

ROFLMAOBVCTP!

(other wise known as Rolling On Floor Laughing My Arse Off Being Very Close To Peeing)

Awesome Awesome Awesome stuff! Keep it coming!