Topic: Monty Python: The Hobbit (finally!)

[Hstaphath_XC]

Narrator: In the lands west of the Brandywine in the gently rolling green hills and woods of what was once the proud Kingdom of Arnor is The Shire.  A lone hobbit lass, buxom and in the flush of youth, pauses in her early morning trek on the ridge of a flower strewn hill to greet the rising sun with song.

Singer: Baggins.  The one they called Bilbo.

He was born... born one summer morn--
He was born to be-- the one of destiny.
A hobbit called Bilbo--
A hobbit called Bilbo.

He had short arms... and short legs...
And quick hands... and furry feet,
This hobbit... whose name was Bilbo--
And its true... he grew up here, its true--
He grew up to be--
Yes, its quite true you see--

A Baggins called Bilbo--
A Baggins called Bilbo,

And he had brown curly hair.
Yes, saying he was a bit pudgy is fair.
And smoke rings he would blow,
In the setting sun's glow.
The original we all know,
He was certainly no--

No "klepto Kinder" named Bilbo,
Nor a "nerdy Gnome" named Bilbo.

Those rip-offs are cheap on ebay,
Compared to the one that started it all.
When on that fateful day,
At his door a wizard did call--

On a hobbit called Bilbo--
This hobbit called Baggins--
The hobbit they called Bilbo--
This hobbit called Bilbo Baggins!

[CRASH]

[THUD]

Singer: Ahhh!

Hstaphath: Yes, its now time for the enchanting "prelude" to Monty Python: Lord of the Rings that you've all been waiting for!

XenoCorp (XC) Pictures
in association with Monty Python
presents


J.R.R. Tolkien's: Dën Høbitsån

or


J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Där un Och Igën

or (if you prefer)


J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Dën Livet uv Bilbodån

or (as the old Hobbit himself was rather fond of)


J.R.R. Tølkiën's: En Høbitsånil Hølidäk

or (to be truly accurate, of course)


J.R.R. Tølkiën's: Nëu Linå Cinëmatik är Greidi Bästardskå

or (perhaps--

[SMACK]

[THUD]

[SLAM]

Hstaphath: Right!  That will be quite enough of that.  Now... let's get on with it, eh?

Written by:
James Haines
(aka: Hstaphath - The Official Bard of XenoCorp)
Røten nik Akten Di

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 1

A Sack Full of Baggins

Narrator:  It is early morning in the lands known as the Shire.  A mother hobbit works to start a fire to cook breakfast in a small hobbit hole that has certainly seen better days.  Her newborn baby is slung close to her as she goes about her chores.  Unexpectedly, company appears at the door.

Baby Lotho:  (crying)
Thorin:  Ahem.
Lobelia:  Ohhh!
[WHUMP]
Lobelia:  Who are you?
Thorin:  We are three dwarves of Erebor, the Lonely Mountain.
Lobelia:  What?!
Thorin:  We are three dwarves.
Lobelia:  Well, what are you doing creeping around hobbit holes at this hour of the morning?
Balin:  We are adventurers.
Thorin:  We have come from the East following the signs left to guide us in search of the hobbit named Baggins that lives here.
Lobelia:  Is this some kind of joke?
Dwalin:  We need to take him with us.
Balin:  He is to be the lucky number!
Thorin:  We have it on excellent authority from a most reknown wizard that his accompanying us is key to our reclaiming my lost kingdom.
Lobelia:  Wizard?  You're all drunk.  It's disgusting.  Out!  The lot-- out!
Thorin:  No--
Lobelia:  Bursting in here with tales about magicians and lonely bears...  Come on-- out!
Dwalin:  No, no.  We must take him.
Lobelia:  Go and grab someone else's brat!  Go on!
Dwalin:  We--
Thorin:  We were sent here by Gandalf the Grey.
Lobelia:  Or led by a bottle, more like.  Go on.  Out!
Thorin:  Well-- well, we must take him.  We wish to give him a one fourteenth share of the treasure.
Lobelia:  Out!
Dwalin:  Gold.  Silver.  Mithril.
[pause]
Lobelia:  Well, why didn't you say?  Here he is.  Sorry the place is a bit of a mess.  Well... what is mithril, anyway?
Balin:  It is an extremely rare alloy.
Lobelia:  An alloy!?  What are you giving him an alloy for?  It might bite him.
Balin:  What?
Lobelia:  That's a dangerous animal, that is!
Thorin:  No, it isn't.
Lobelia:  Yes, it is.  It's great, big-- ummm...
Balin:  No, no, no.  It is a type of metal.
Lobelia:  Aww-- there is an animal called an alloy... or did I dream it?  So, you're adventurers, are you?  Well, what is he then?
Dwalin:  Hmm?
Lobelia:  What adventurer class is he?
Thorin:  Uh, burgler.
Lobelia:  Uhh, burgler, eh?  What are they like?
Thorin:  Ooh, well... he burgles things.  Sneaks into places others might not be able to go.
Balin:  A thief.
Lobelia:  Ohh-- Thief class, is it?
Dwalin:  Uh... no, actually.  The class was changed to rogue with the start of the third edition rules-- errr... age.  Third age.
Balin:  Whatever.  A rogue, then.
Lobelia:  Ohh, I was going to say... rogue sounds much more respectible.  Dashing, even!
[sniff]
Thorin:  By what name are you calling him?
Lobelia:  Uh, Lotho.  Lotho Sackville-Baggins.
Thorin:  Burgler Lotho, our terms are cash on delivery... up to and not exceeding one fourteenth of total profits, all travelling expenses guaranteed and funeral expenses to be defrayed by us or our representatives if the occasion arises and the matter is not otherwise--
Lobelia:  Do you do a lot of this, then?
Thorin:  What?
Lobelia:  This hiring of infants.
Balin:  No, no.  No, no.
Lobelia:  Well, ummm-- if you're dropping by again, do pop in.  Heh... and he should get any silver spoons you come across in that treasure you mentioned.  Errr... but don't worry too much about the mithril.  All right?  Heh.  Thank you.  Good-bye.
[Dwarves leave with the baby Lotho]
Lobelia:  Well, wasn't that nice?  Hmmm.  Out of their bloody minds, but still... they got that brat out of my hair at least.
[outside the Sackville-Baggins smial]
Gandalf:  Thorin Oakenshield!  What in blazes are you doing with that infant?!
Thorin:  Wha-- but... I thought--
Gandalf:  You've obviously gone in the exact opposite direction my last rune marker pointed!
Dwalin:  Told you.
Balin:  Oh, stuff it!
[Dwarves rush back in and shove baby Lotho into Lobelia's arms]
Lobelia:  Hey now!  Hey!  He is, he's-- he's going with you!  What if I drop the spoons stipulation?!  Oh-- come on! 
[WHUMP]
Baby Lotho:  (crying)
Lobelia:  Shut up.
[SMACK]

[Commander La'ra]

Woot!

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 2

The Ereborian Dwarven Popular Front of Erebor

Narrator:  So it came to pass that 13 dwarves, a wizard, and a bewildered hobbit set out on an adventure.  After many days of travel east, they passed beyond the civilized hills of the Shire and Bree-land.  Running short on rations, they press onward through a rainy day and on into the night along the ancient overgrown road they travel.

Gandalf:  I would think, Thorin, that any monarchal restoration group like yours should reflect such a divergence of interests and alliances within its power-base for best effect against that dreaded worm Smaug.
Thorin:  Agreed.  Dwalin?
Dwalin:  Yeah, I think Gandalf's point of view is very valid, Thorin, provided we never forget that it is the inalienable right of every dwarf male--
Gloin:  Or demi-dwarf.
Dwalin:  Or demi-dwarf male--
Nori:  Or non-dwarf.
Bilbo:  Thanks!
Dwalin:  Or non-dwarf male--
Bofur:  Or female.
Dwalin:  Or female... to rid himself--
Bofur:  Or herself.
Dwalin:  Or herself.
Balin:  Agreed.
Dwalin:  Thank you, brother.
Bofur:  Or sister.
Dwalin:  Or sister.  Where was I?
Fili:  I think you'd finished.
Dwalin:  Oh... right.
Thorin:  Furthermore, it is the birthright of every dwarven, demi-dwarven, and non-dwarven male--
Bofur:  Or female.
Thorin:  Why don't you shut up about females, Bofur.  You're putting us off and we don't even have any ruddy females with us.
Bofur:  Females have a perfect right to play a part in our group, Thorin.
Ori:  Why are you always on about females, Bofur?
Bofur:  I want to be one.
Thorin:  What?
Bofur:  I want to be female.  From now on, I want you all to call me Loretta.
Thorin:  What?!
Loretta:  It's my right as a dwarf.
Kili:  Or demi-dwarf.
Loretta:  Or demi-dwarf.
Oin:  Or non-dwarf.
Loretta:  Or non-dwarf.
[It is at this point that Gandalf shrewdly decides it would be a good time to scout ahead along the road they travel]
Bombur:  Well, why do you want to be called Loretta, Bofur?
Loretta:  I want to have babies.
Dori:  You want to have babies?!
Loretta:  It's every dwarf's right to have babies if he wants them.
Thorin:  But you-- you can't have babies.
Loretta:  Don't you oppress me.
Thorin:  I'm not oppressing you, Bofur.  You haven't got a womb!  Where's the fetus going to gestate?!  You going to keep it in a sack?!
Loretta:  (starts crying)
Dwalin:  Here, now!  I-- I've got an idea.  Suppose you agree that he can't actually have babies, not having a womb... which is nobody's fault, of course, but that he can have the right to have babies.
Bifur:  Good idea, Dwalin.  We shall struggle forth for your right to have babies, brother... sister.  Sorry.
Thorin:  What's the point?
Dwalin:  What?
Thorin:  What's the point of arguing for his right to have babies when he can't have babies?!
Bifur:  It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression and victimization.
Thorin:  (muttering) Symbolic of his struggle against reality!
Bilbo:  You know, the more I think on it... I believe I may have heard news of your group before.  A band of displaced dwarves fighting to free their mountain home from a cruel invading dragon.
Dwalin:  Honestly?
Thorin:  It wouldn't surprise me if word of our deeds and tribulations had reached even your village of Hobbiton by now.
Bilbo:  Yes... are you the Ereborian Dwarven Front?
Dori:  Bugger off!
Bilbo:  Wha-- what?
Thorin:  Ereborian Dwarven Front... we're the Dwarven Front of Erebor!  I am son of Thrain son of Thror and true heir of the King Under the Mountain!  Ereborian Dwarven Front-- Cawk.
Oin:  Wankers.
Bilbo:  I am terribly sorry, I meant no offense!
Dwalin:  Listen, we are the one group with not only a legitimate claim, but also the zeal to actually do something about that accursed worm slumbering in our mountain.
Bilbo:  Well, even though I'm still at a loss as to how I became a part of this expedition, I very much understand your devotion to getting rid of that dragon.  Awful creatures, they are.
Balin:  Are you sure?
Bilbo:  Oh, very sure.  I detest dragons already.
Thorin:  Listen, if you really wanted to be of service to the D.F.E., you'd have to really hate dragons.
Bilbo:  I do!
Thorin:  Oh, yeah?  How much?
Bilbo:  A lot!
Thorin:  Right... listen.  The only thing we hate more than dragons are those damnable Ereborian Dwarven Fronters.
Kili:  Yeah...
Bombur:  Splitters.
Dori:  Splitters.
Dwalin:  And the Ereborian Popular Dwarven Front.
Gloin:  Yeah.  Oh, yeah.  Splitters...
Ori:  Splitters.
Loretta:  And the Dwarven Front of Erebor.
Fili:  Yeah.  Splitters...
Oin:  Splitters.
Thorin:  What?
Loretta:  The Dwarven Front of Erebor.  Splitters.
Thorin:  We are the Dwarven Front of Erebor!
Loretta:  Oh-- I thought we were the Popular Front.
Thorin:  Dwarven Front!  C-huh.
Balin:  Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Thorin?
Thorin:  That was Nain son of Gror... went to Khazad-dum and got himself killed.
Nori:  Heh... splitter!
[The dwarves and hobbit come to a stop at the sight of a campfire off in the woods a good distance away from the dark road they travel... the smell of mutton cooking over a fire drifts over to them on the chill wind]
Thorin:  What's your first name again, burglar Baggins?
Bilbo:  Bilbo.  Bilbo Baggins.
Thorin:  We may have a little burgle job for you, Bilbo...

Narrator:  Nearly an hour later, Bilbo has been captured by the owners of the campfire the dwarves sent him off to investigate.  Three trolls (whom we shall call William, Tom, and Bert since their names in the crude trollish tongue sound even more ridiculous) are quite surprised by the sudden appearance of their "guest."

William:  Blimey, look at this-- it was reaching into my pocket!
Tom:  What is it?!
William:  Bugger if I know... what are you?
Bilbo:  Bil--Billbbbo--
Bert:  Come on, out with it!
William:  Will you be quiet?
Bilbo:  B--Bilbo--
Tom:  Don't pick your nose.
William:  I wasn't picking my nose.  I was scratching.
Tom:  You was picking it, while you was talking to that little rabbit.
Bilbo:  Bilbo Ba--Baggg--
William:  I wasn't!
Tom:  Leave it alone.  Give it a rest.
Bert:  Do you mind?  I can't hear a word it's saying.
Tom:  Don't you "do you mind" me.  I was talking to Bill!
Bert:  Well, go and talk to him somewhere else.  I can't hear a bloody thing.
William:  Why don't you go somewhere else?
Bert:  I was only asking him to shut up, so I can hear what it's saying, Big Nose.
Tom:  Don't you call Bill Big Nose!
Bert:  Well, he has got a big nose.
William:  Could you be quiet, please?
Bilbo:  Bilbo Ba-Baggins, a--
William:  What was that?
Bilbo:  Bilbo Baggins, a bur-- a hobbit.
Bert:  What did it say?  I was too busy talking to Big Nose.
Tom:  I think it was burrahobbit.
William:  Ahh, what's a burrahobbit?
Tom:  Well, obviously, it is some subspecies of burrowing mammal... like a beardless dwarf, eh?
Bert:  See?  If you hadn't been going on, we'd have heard that, Big Nose.
William:  Hey-- say that once more and I'll smash your bloody face in.
Tom:  Oh, lay off him.
Bert:  Oh, you're not so bad yourself, Conk Face.  You two should head down to Mordor and see if they need any more Nose-guls!
William:  One more time, mate-- I'll take you to the bloody cleaners!
Bilbo:  There are lots of us, you should let me go!
Tom:  You hear that?  There are more of them!
William:  Yeah?
Bilbo:  Ummm-- actually, there are none at all.  Just me.
Bert:  What do you mean by lots and then none?!
William:  That's what I want to know and stay out of this, Bert!
Tom:  And don't pick your nose.
William:  I wasn't going to pick my nose.  I was going to thump him!
Tom:  You're not going to thump anybody.
William:  I'll thump him if he calls me Big Nose again.
Bert:  Oh, shut up, Big Nose.
William:  Ah!  All right... I warned you.  I really will slug you so hard--
Bert:  Listen, I'm only telling the truth.  You have got a very big nose.
William:  Hey, your nose is going to be three feet wide across your face by the time I've finished with you!
Bert:  Well, who hit yours, then?  A balrog?
William:  Oh.  Right.  That's your last warning.
[a spectacular fight ensues between the trolls Bill and Bert while Tom whacks at them both with a stick]
Tom:  Break it up-- oh... Oh!
Gandalf:  Dawn take you all and be stoned!
Narrator:  The first morning rays of sunlight strike the trolls, instantly turning all three to solid rock where they can still be found to this day.  A nice fountain and picnic area has been added recently, by the way, so bring the kids and make a day of it.
Bilbo:  Excellent, Gandalf!  That was truly masterful the way you disguised your voice to keep them arguing so long.
Gandalf:  What?
Bilbo:  You disguised your voice to get them to fight, didn't you?
Gandalf:  Ummm-- yes.  Yes, I did... and we will be sticking to that version of the story from here on out.
Bilbo:  The trolls dropped this key--
Gandalf:  Good!  We get first dibs on any loot we find.
Bilbo:  I call the roast mutton!
Gandalf:  Sure, then we will go find out where our companions have gotten off to.
Bilbo:  Right... no rush.

[Scottish Andy]

Ah, the Bard is back, and a good thing too.

(muttering) Symbolic of his struggle against reality!

it is quite possibly my favourite Monty Python scene ever. Quite possibly the funniest scene in history, ever, too.

Looking forward to more!

[Hstaphath_XC]

Ah, the Bard is back, and a good thing too.

Well, it serves you right, you know... you're the one who put out a call for ex-Taldrenites.   

it is quite possibly my favourite Monty Python scene ever. Quite possibly the funniest scene in history, ever, too.  Looking forward to more!

It is certainly one of my all time favorites!  I intentionally held back from using much Life of Brian material during the MP:LotR trilogy (two instances come to mind) specifically because I felt so much of it suited the Hobbit characters better.  Expect a lot more than just LoB material, however!

Indeed, I am busy at work with one of my infamous narrative interludes coming up next.

By the way, it is very refreshing to see someone spell words like favourite, honour, and colour properly.  I have had it beaten out of me, obviously, but I am still biased towards how my grandparents taught me to write and speak. 

[Ferretlxix_XC]

OMFG! I can see these being played in my mind.  Great scene.

I cannot wait for the biggus dickus scene.

[Hstaphath_XC]

OMFG! I can see these being played in my mind.  Great scene.  I cannot wait for the biggus dickus scene.

LOL, thanks!  That's just the sort of reaction I always hope to get.   

I have very big plans for that biggus dickus scene, so rest assured that you won't be disappointed (well, I certainly HOPE not at any rate!).

The narrative interlude I'm working on should be up Thursday (Friday at the latest).  It has already doubled in size from what I first intended.

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Narrative Interlude

Revelations in Rivendell

Narrator: With the trolls and bad weather behind them, the fellowship-- errr... sorry, I was thinking of something else.  Ummm-- yes, I meant obviously, the "15 companions" made their way to the hidden valley of Rivendell.  Here, in the "last homely house east of the sea" amongst merry singing elves dwelt Elrond the half-elven Bard who--
Elrond:  How in Middle-earth did you just jump to the conclusion I was a Bard?  Where is that written anywhere?!
Narrator:  Oh, come on!  A half-elf with good combat feats and a high lore skill?  All that ruddy singing going on at your place at all hours... really now.  You're not fooling anyone, you know.
Elrond:  It's a fair cop.

Elves: (singing in the trees)
The sound of ponies in the valley,
Good elves, hide your beer and bread.
Beware the bill you will tally,
When a Baggins named Bilbo is fed!

The hobbit! The hobbit!
He rides a diminutive steed.
The hobbit! The hobbit!
He'll clear your pantry, indeed.

Blue: his cloak of finest wool.
Blue: his blade of elven metal.
His companions take him for a fool.
His pot is as empty as his kettle!

The hobbit! The hobbit!
With nary a clue or plan.
The hobbit! The hobbit!
Outwit a dragon, if you can.

Narrator:  After many days of rest and recovery, during which time Lord Elrond's food stores fell under tremendous sustained assault, a dinner meeting is called to clear up a few matters and get the quest going again.  After reading the "Made in Gondolin - Elven Metalworker's Union 537" tags on the 3 blades Bilbo, Gandalf, and Thorin recovered from the troll loot, Elrond makes a startling discovery while holding Thorin's map up to read it in the light of the midsummer’s eve crescent moon.

Thorin:  There are moon letters here!  See the runes along the left?
Gandalf:  I just knew I shouldn't have given up reading by moonlight no matter how bad it is on my old eyes!
Thorin:  What do the moon runes say?
Elrond:  They read:
When it's Durin's Day,
See what you may.
When the thrush knocks,
By the grey rocks.

When the sun sinks low,
The keyhole will show.
Use the key quick to get in,
Or, damn you, you'll have to wait a whole bloody year to try it all again!

Thorin:  Inconceivable!
Elrond:  Indeed, he threw the whole metrical structure and cadence off with that last line.
Thorin:  No, I mean about there being a secret passage.
Gandalf:  I suppose a locked hidden door explains this key Thrain said went with the map.
Thorin:  My father was able to hide a key for 5 long years while a prisoner in Dol Guldur?!
Gandalf:  Yes, and the map.  Trust me on this, you do not want to know any further details.
Balin:  This is definitely better than our original plan of walking right in the front gate!
Loretta:  Tha-- that was the plan?
Thorin:  Well... we were going to send the burglar in first, mind you.
Loretta:  Oh, right.
Bilbo:  What?!
Gandalf:  Never mind that now.  We have many other deadly dangers to face to even reach the mountain.
Thorin:  Indeed, let us set our minds to those first.
Gandalf:  The roads east have become dangerous, overgrown, and lost altogether in places.
Elrond:  With that in mind, the finest cartographers in Rivendel have prepared a map of the area where you will be traveling.
[Elrond hands Gandalf a large piece of parchment]
Gandalf:  There's nothing on it!
Elrond:  Yes.  Ummm... they'd be most grateful if you could fill it in as you go along.
Bilbo:  I am so screwed, aren't I...

Narrator:  Refreshed with high hopes of success (well, except for Bilbo, naturally) the companions once again set forth.

Balin:  Haha!
Fili:  WaHaha!
Ori:  Hahaha!
Loretta:  Ahahaha!
[Balin notices that Bilbo seems sad and distant]
Balin:  Not joining us in the "haha's" Bilbo?
Bilbo:  No... I'm thinking of the sweet valley of Rivendell and the beautiful elven girl I left behind.  I shall never love any woman but her.
Gandalf:  How extraordinary!  Who is she?
Bilbo:  Serailian Linnod'aduial, the "Eveningsong" she is called.
Gandalf:  The Serailian Linnod'aduial?
Bilbo:  Yes.
Gandalf:  Serailian "bury me in a Y-shaped coffin" Linnod'aduial?
Bilbo:  Errr-- I think there may be two Serailian Linnod'aduials...
Dwalin:  Gloin, isn't she the one that you, Dori, Nori--
Gloin:  Shhh!
Dwalin:  Ori, Fili, Kili, and even Bombur all--
Gloin:  Shush already!!!
Gandalf:  Anyway, put her far from your mind... your chances of seeing her again are rather remote.
Bilbo:  You don't think she will wait for me?
Gandalf:  I was thinking more about your odds of surviving, but don't bet on that either.
Bilbo:  Bugger.

[AlienLXIX]

*Snip*

Balin:  Not joining us in the "haha's" Bilbo?
Bilbo:  No... I'm thinking of the sweet valley of Rivendell and the beautiful elven girl I left behind.  I shall never love any woman but her.
Gandalf:  How extraordinary!  Who is she?
Bilbo:  Serailian Linnod'aduial, the "Eveningsong" she is called.
Gandalf:  The Serailian Linnod'aduial?
Bilbo:  Yes.
Gandalf:  Serailian "bury me in a Y-shaped coffin" Linnod'aduial?
Bilbo:  Errr-- I think there may be two Serailian Linnod'aduials...
Dwalin:  Gloin, isn't she the one that you, Dori, Nori--
Gloin:  Shhh!
Dwalin:  Ori, Fili, Kili, and even Bombur all--
Gloin:  Shush already!!!
Gandalf:  Anyway, put her far from your mind... your chances of seeing her again are rather remote.
Bilbo:  You don't think she will wait for me?
Gandalf:  I was thinking more about your odds of surviving, but don't bet on that either.
Bilbo:  Bugger.

Ouch.  See if I ever give you an elven name from my AD&D characters!  LOL  Funny stuff Hsta!

[Scottish Andy]

Elrond:  With that in mind, the finest cartographers in Rivendel have prepared a map of the area where you will be traveling.
[Elrond hands Gandalf a large piece of parchment]
Gandalf:  There's nothing on it!
Elrond:  Yes.  Ummm... they'd be most grateful if you could fill it in as you go along.

Gandalf:  Serailian "bury me in a Y-shaped coffin" Linnod'aduial?
Bilbo:  Errr-- I think there may be two Serailian Linnod'aduials...

Man, you really crack me up.

And was that little elven song to the tune of Peter Griffin's "Shmoopie" Pansy Rugby *ahem!* American Football showboating episode of 'Family Guy'? 

[Hstaphath_XC]

Ouch.  See if I ever give you an elven name from my AD&D characters!  LOL  Funny stuff Hsta!

Okay, in my defense... when I asked you if you knew of a pretty elven female name and you offered that one, I did try to warn you about what I had in mind!

Honestly, I can change it if you'd like... at least I skipped the obvious pun on why she would have been known as the "Eveningsong."   

...And was that little elven song to the tune of Peter Griffin's "Shmoopie" Pansy Rugby *ahem!* American Football showboating episode of 'Family Guy'? 

Thanks, Andy!  That song is actually to the tune of The Black Adder end credits theme.  http://www.geocities.com/blackadderhomepage/theme1_end.html

This is fitting since this interlude was heavily influenced by the adventures of Edmund Blackadder.

[Hstaphath_XC]

The Hobbit: Scene 3

A Simple Misunderstanding

Narrator:  Making their way through a pass in the Misty Mountains, the companions find shelter in a cave for the night as a fierce storm rages.  In short order, they are captured by goblins and Gandalf goes missing.  "Goblin" is just another name for "orc," by the way, with the only apparent difference being that those called "goblins" are generally not as intelligent as those called "orcs."  Given the mental capacity of the common orc, that's really saying something!  So, it should come as no surprise to anyone that, unlike their southern Mordor-bred cousins, the goblins of the Misty Mountains do not speak the common tongue... and barely speak the orcish.

[the thirteen dwarves and one hobbit are dragged into a great torch-lit cavern filled with goblins and brought before the dread and fearsome looking head goblin who sits upon a large stone throne]
Thorin:  Well, I suppose I should see if I can sort this out.
[Thorin steps forward as the head goblin begins reading haltingly from a phrase book]
Head Goblin:  I will not buy this gourd, it is scratched.
Thorin:  Sorry?
Head Goblin:  I will not buy this gourd, it is scratched.
Thorin:  Uh, no, no, no.  We are travelers, not merchants.
Head Goblin:  Ah! I will not buy this "merchants," it is scratched.
Thorin:  No, no, no, no.  Travelers... ummm... adventurers.
Head Goblin:  Ya!  Addy-ven-tour-ers-- Ya!  Uh... my shrubbery is full of eels.
Thorin:  What?!
Head Goblin:  My shrubbery (pantomimes the shape of a mountain)... is full of eels (points to the dwarves).
Thorin:  Ahhh, dwarves!  You want to know why we are here?
Head Goblin:  Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaa-- do you waaaaaant... to come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy?
[pause]
Thorin:  I-- ummm... I don't believe you are using that thing correctly.
Head Goblin:  You great punter.
Thorin:  We just want safe passage through the mountains, please.
Head Goblin:  If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?  I-- I am no longer infected.
Thorin:  Uh, may I?
[Thorin takes the phrase book and flips through it]
Thorin:  Ummmm... safe passage... ah!  Here we are--
[Thorin speaks the orcish words]
Head Goblin:  Yeeaaargghh?!?!
[the Head Goblin jumps up from his throne and knocks Thorin away from him]

Narrator:  It was at that moment that Gandalf suddenly appeared in the cavern right between the head goblin and Thorin.

Gandalf:  What's going on here, then?
Head Goblin:  Ah! You have beautiful thighs.
Gandalf:  (looks down at himself) What?!
Thorin:  (pointing at the head goblin) He hit me!
Head Goblin:  (pointing at Thorin) Drop your panties, Sir Boromir, I can not wait 'til lunchtime!
Gandalf:  RIGHT!!!
[Gandalf pulls out his sword and slices the head goblin nearly in half]
Head Goblin:  (dying) My nipples explode with delight!

[Gandalf uses his staff to create a magical wind that blows the torches out and chaos ensues as sword, axe, and magic are used by the companions to make their escape - when suddenly the scene abruptly switches to a courtroom in Rivendell]
             
Glorfindel:  Call Jaeih t`Radaik!
[elven voices sing out the name several times]
Elrond:  Oh, shut it!
Glorfindel:  (to Jaeih) You are Jaeih t`Radaik?
Jaeih:  (in a sing-song voice) Oh, I am.
Glorfindel:  Skip the impersonations. You are Jaeih t`Radaik?
Jaeih:  I am.
Glorfindel:  You are hereby charged that on the 12th day of Nórui, 2931, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice of forethought, publish an alleged common-orcish phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace.  How do you plead?
Jaeih:  Not guilty.
Glorfindel:  You live at 3080 Kestrel Way?
Jaeih:  I do live at 3080 Kestrel Way.
Glorfindel:  You are the owner of a publishing company?
Jaeih:  I am the owner of a publishing company.
Glorfindel:  Your company publishes phrase books?
Jaeih:  My company does publish phrase books.
Glorfindel:  You did say 3080 Kestrel Way, didn't you?
Jaeih:  Yes--
Glorfindel:  Ah-hah!  Got you!
[all the elves laugh and applaud]
Elrond:  Get on with it, get on with it.
Glorfindel:  That's fine.  On the 12th of Nórui, you published this phrase book.
Jaeih:  I did.
Glorfindel:  I quote on example... the orcish phrase meaning "Can you direct me to the nearest inn?" is translated by the common phrase, "Please fondle my twig and berries."
Jaeih:  I wish to plead incompetence.
La'ra:  (suddenly stands up from the jury) Please, may I ask for an adjournment, m'lord Elrond?
Elrond:  An adjournment? Certainly not!
[La'ra sits down again, emitting perhaps the longest and loudest release of bodily gas in the history of middle earth]
Elrond:  By the sacred Valar, why didn't you say WHY you wanted an adjournment?!
La'ra:  I didn't know an acceptable legal phrase, m'lord Elrond.
[suddenly cut to the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins]
Elrond:  (banging and swinging a gavel) If there's any more stock film of Leonard Nimoy singing, I'll clear this court!

[AlienLXIX]

I WANT that phrase book!  Muahahahahahahaha!  That was hysterical!

[Hstaphath_XC]

I WANT that phrase book!  Muahahahahahahaha!  That was hysterical!

Hehe... so would I, but you will need to ask Jaeih if her company is still publishing it.

Speaking of which, I've been waiting to see what La'ra and Jaeih's reactions are to this scene.   

[Hstaphath_XC]

My apologies, I have been on a forced hiatus while dealing with work and home issues.   

I will be away at a conference this coming week, though, and expect to post a few scenes in quick succession while there.

[Hstaphath_XC]

I am still alive, I just have a serious case of writer's block after my original idea for the next scene simply didn't work out.   

[Czar Mohab]

Take your time, Hstaphath. Great works take time, you know 


Czar "waiting for part next" Mohab

[kadh2000]

I was desparately hoping that TBoBB would make it in.  Now I can, aww who am I kidding?  Takes more than that to make me happy.  Finish please.  You know the chased by orcs and wolves would make for a great end of a Benny Hill episode scene.  Specially since the guy who wrote the theme just recently died.

Kadh, who heard the thing in its entirety on a hard rock station the day the guy died. 

[Scottish Andy]

Oh Hsta, I too want that phrasebook! My nipples would explode with delight as well!