Topic: OT: Enemy Mine  (Read 3390 times)

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Offline Scottish Andy

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OT: Enemy Mine
« on: January 21, 2007, 10:06:32 pm »
This just came to me. Let me know what you think.



Enemy Mine[/size]
By Scottish Andy


I slowly come to and find myself alone. I lie still and allow my senses to come back to me, and I’m relieved to find I still have all my arms and legs. My hearing is also back to normal now the ringing has left it, and I notice the eerie silence that has settled over the battlefield. It’s occasionally disrupted by the crump of distant explosions. The fighting seems to have moved on. I don’t know how long I’ve been out. Maybe my mates left me for dead.

I’m now sufficiently together that I roll over and grab my weapon. It was just lying on a pile of rubble so it escaped the clinging mud, but I check it out and make sure the action is clean.

The act of bending over almost makes me throw up. I fall back to my knees and reach behind me. I feel the back of my head and find a huge, soggy, egg-shaped bump that’s slowly oozing blood. I pull my fingers back before my swimming eyesight and see the red sticky mess covering them. It must have been a grenade that threw me back against that wall, and not even my helmet saved me from the collision.

I don't remember what actually happened.

I look around, find it, and plop it back on my head. I wince as the back of it bounces off my new egg, but it doesn’t make me physically ill this time, only nauseous.

Suitably protected and armed once again, I make my way carefully into the bombed-out house I was smashed against to gain some shelter so I can fully recover, stepping over loose shale and debris. There’s so much house-to-house fighting, the battle lines are so fluid that there could be enemy snipers or patrols all over the place—

I throw myself forward on pure instinct and the bullet misses me by millimetres. My lunge takes the enemy soldier by surprise and I barrel into him, knocking the wind from us both. He throws me off, swipes at me with the butt of his rifle. I roll away just in time, the butt smashing down where my throat used to be.

Still slightly dazed, I prop myself up on one arm and he kicks me full in the chest. The air leaves me again for what must be the third time since the attack began, however long ago, but I’m grateful for all that. His kick caught me square on the breastbone and though it hurts like living hell, all my ribs are still intact.

This time I roll with the kick and manage to gain some space and my feet. I stay low and swing my leg around in a sweeping kick that takes his legs from him just as he lines up on me with his rifle. His shot goes wild and he loses his grip on his weapon. It bounces out of his hands as he hits the ground. I stand up and kick it further away, but the enemy soldier pushes off the floor and pulls out a knife.

I swing my weapon around as he lunges. The blade slices along my knuckles and through the shoulder strap but the sight deflects it from going further. He grabs the barrel with his free hand and twists it away from him, managing to wrench it from my grasp. I grab and twist his knife hand in response. He drops it and pulls away, tugging my weapon as he goes and spinning it around in his hand to bring the barrel to bear on me.

I drop to the ground, snatch up the knife, and lunge with it.

Time, which had been whirling past, suddenly freezes. The enemy soldier looks down at me, eyes wide with shock. The desperate snarl that no doubt occupied both our faces has gone, drained away with the knowledge of victory—and defeat.

It’s a mortal wound. Of that, we are both sure. The knowledge is in both our eyes. If it hadn’t been, he would have managed to bring my own weapon around and kill me with it, just as I’ve killed him with his.

He drops my weapon, it having slipped from his nerveless fingers. It clatters to the rubble-strewn ground but doesn’t go off.

He drops to his knees before me, eyes coming level with my own. It forces me to alter my position. I was frozen in my extended upward lunge. I pull his blade out of him and he cries out.

I see my own sliced knuckles, covered in his blood, holding his knife.

Blood brothers in death. His.

I stare at him, and he at me. He’s clean-shaven with a strong jaw. His ice blue eyes and wispy blond hair speak to his Germanic, possibly Scandinavian ancestors, as does his strong, high cheekbones. Those eyes hold no hatred for me, and I know mine hold none for him.

He pushes words out, but they are meaningless gibberish to me. The tone isn’t really angry, but questioning. Maybe accusatory.

I don’t understand his dying words. It makes me ashamed.

“I’m sorry!” I tell him desperately. “I didn’t want this! Our leaders say go, and we go!”

He stares at me, his eyes uncomprehending. It seems my words are just meaningless gibberish to him, too.

He falls to one side. I catch him before he hits the floor.

I cradle him in my arms. My dying enemy. My opposite number. My blood brother.

“I’m sorry!” I tell him again.

The light in his eyes is fading, growing dim. I don’t know if he even sees me anymore, or knows that I’m the one who killed him. His voice is quiet, but he talks to me in a pleading tone.

I can almost hear what he is saying. “Tell my sweetheart I love her. Tell my mother and father I did my best. Tell them I’m sorry.”

I’ve heard it too many times before, holding my own countrymen in my arms as they slowly slipped away. I know that’s what he’s saying.

It’s what I’ll say when my time comes.

A bloodied, open hand reaches up to me. I grab it as if it’s my own lifeline and squeeze as hard as I can. He needs to know he’s not alone.

A few more incomprehensible words whisper out of his lips, then his body relaxes. I stare at his eyes, eyes that would cause my own sister to melt, as the light slowly drains away.

His body goes completely limp.

I kneel there and hold him, reading his nametag: SCHNEIDER, J.

He’s so far from home, away from everything he called familiar. Despite all I could do, he died alone. Apart from his friends, his countrymen. Not even hearing his own language as he died.

Such is the nature of the brutal house-to-house warfare we’re involved in.

I finally lay his body down and stand up. I walk over to where he dropped my weapon and pick it back up, knotting together the shoulder strap where he sliced it through. I’m still going to need it, because there is still a war on. Wars don’t stop because a single soldier dies.

They should.

I gaze down at the body of the American soldier as I loop my Schmeisser over my neck. I offer a short prayer for his soul, and head out to rejoin my unit.

Come visit me at:  www.Starbase23.net

The Senior Service rocks! Rule, Britannia!

The Doctor: "Must be a spatio-temporal hyperlink."
Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: OT: Enemy Mine
« Reply #1 on: January 21, 2007, 11:25:57 pm »
Everybody likes killing us Americans...

Oh, well. So do we.

A very nice vignette in itself. Could start off a nice story with it.

But killin' yer Yank buddies... Makes me sad Andy...

Send more of same!

--thu guv!
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: OT: Enemy Mine
« Reply #2 on: January 22, 2007, 11:30:29 am »
I had thought of making the enemy soldier British, but I know most of my readers are Yanks and wanted that impact.

Although, it seems to have failed.

Plus, if you didn't notice that my protagonist didn't like killing, then you need to re-read this pice, Guv.

No comment on where it was going? How it made you feel? Did the ending surprise you (as it was supposed to), or did you see it coming? If so, at what point were you tipped off? What do you think I was trying to do with this story? What message or moral was I writing from?

Would it surprise you to know that I wrote this with tears in my eyes?

I need some serious feedback on this, guys. Please.
Come visit me at:  www.Starbase23.net

The Senior Service rocks! Rule, Britannia!

The Doctor: "Must be a spatio-temporal hyperlink."
Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

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Offline Lara

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Re: OT: Enemy Mine
« Reply #3 on: January 22, 2007, 11:57:56 am »
Entirely not the kind of story I like, but having sid that, well done.

I have a few tiny TINY quibbles.  How not, this is me.

You need to change the dead man's name. Name him Smith, or Jones, or Collins...not Schneider which to most american eyes will read as german
I had a littel trouble initially, where was his helmet, what wall, stuff like that. I men if he was smashed into a building what mud?

But as I said, fine piece of work.

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: OT: Enemy Mine
« Reply #4 on: January 22, 2007, 12:42:55 pm »
Hi Lara, and first-off let me thank you for replying, I do appreciate it! :-*

House-to-house fighting doesn't need to be in a city. It can be in a village with dirt roads. Artillery shells make big holes in the ground too, and under tarmac or concete or asphalt is... dirt. Rains a lot in Europe, too.

I used the name 'Schnieder' for a very specific reason. It ties in with the line:

Quote
His ice blue eyes and wispy blond hair speak to his Germanic, possibly Scandinavian ancestors, as does his strong, high cheekbones.

You're not meant to know what side the protagonist is fighting for until the last paragraph. There are a few clues--whiich I won't reveal--that let you guess earlier on, but you don't know.

It emphasises the fact that you have to really read this to get the full effect. Looks like Jaeih's "surface reader only" disease is spreading...  :-\
« Last Edit: January 22, 2007, 12:59:28 pm by Scottish Andy »
Come visit me at:  www.Starbase23.net

The Senior Service rocks! Rule, Britannia!

The Doctor: "Must be a spatio-temporal hyperlink."
Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: OT: Enemy Mine
« Reply #5 on: January 22, 2007, 01:02:31 pm »
Heh.  You don't know Lara.

I know why you named him Schneider.  You wanted us to see, as the German did, just how alike the German and the man he killed were.  I'm not sure I agree with Lara on the name change, but I see her point, too.
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Lara

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Re: OT: Enemy Mine
« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2007, 01:04:54 pm »
Oh...I read it, and I understood the comparisons. But here's where you run into the other issue. I'm a New Englander, and a city girl. I don't pay attention to any war after the napoleonic, oh and the small unpleasantness hre of course.

So, tell me you hit a wall, I look for a wall. Tell me about a grenade or a shell, my eyes glaze over.

oh...and this too, its a war. They're both men. to me, of course they're identical, and brothers nearly. If you want me to see them as in any way different, you didn't, and if you wanted m to see this as pointless, you were preaching to the choir.

That said, you told a pretty story.

Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: OT: Enemy Mine
« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2007, 10:44:06 pm »
I knew from the get-go that your character wasn't American, simply because I don't believe writing as a 'Yank' would have been your first chice. What I immediately assumed was that the main guy from whom we were hearing was British. Whatever clues abounded that he was anything but, till the end, were missed by me.

Once your guy reads the name on the uniform, I begin having doubts, though, as I cannot remember whether Jerry uniforms had names or not on them... I was pretty sure they didn't.

The story did have a nice little impact on me when I realized that the character telling the tale was German and the dead guy American. You got me, and I'll admit it. Bravo!

I have, though, reread you story, not because I didn't get the point, but rather... because I liked it. What your character says, almost pleads, to the dying soldier rings true with me. My Dad served in Nam. He didn't want to go. Thankfully, his direct contact with the enemy was limitted to harrassment fire and one sniper whom he called a mortar team down on. But he did once see the handywork of his weapons...bodies absolutely destroyed by his quad-fifty rounds as his unit moved to a different hill.

He hadn't wanted to kill anyone. He certainly didn't want to see those he had killed. He was, just as your character says, just doing as his leaders said. They said 'Go' and he went. Seeing the results of what others had told him to do, however, had left a lasting impression on his the rest of his life. He came back a different man...and not a better one for the longest time.

I can think of many directions for the moral aspect of this tale to go. But in reality, given that it covers such a small portioin of the character's life and basically shows three to five minutes of what all might have happened to him... I can comment little more on what is presented.

I enjoyed the peice. It had some impact. It DID surprise me. But it seems such a small part of what is likely his entire story.

I'd enjoy seeing more of his experiences if it pleases you to write it. Till then, tho, I'm speechless.

--thu guv!
'It's a lot of hard work being a mean bastard...' --Captain Eric Finlander, CO USS Bedford (The Bedford Incident)

'Jaken...are you pretending to be dead?' --Lord Sesshomaru, Inuyasha.

Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: OT: Enemy Mine
« Reply #8 on: January 22, 2007, 11:13:06 pm »
Been considering this one all day, per your request, and mostly I think it's a good piece.  The action is well-described and the overall message a worthy one, but I've still got a problem that I initially had trouble pinning down.

Mostly, I think that past the lethal injury to the American, the story gets a little...preachy, as if you were trying to ram the moral home with a sledgehammer.  The drama level runs high enough that it might even have a 'melo-' attached to it, and I get the overall sensation that you're trying too hard to TELL us what the guy's feeling rather than SHOW us.

And the dialogue, in the spot we discussed...is a bit philisophical for a guy with a lump on his head who just came inches away from getting his head blown off.  There's actually something in that vein that might render the story more real and more shocking;  despite the realization that the guy he killed was very much like him our protagonist should be conflicted.  Whether he wanted to kill the guy or not...there needs to be some factor of 'glad it was him, not me'.
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Scottish Andy

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Re: OT: Enemy Mine
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2007, 09:54:37 am »
Thanks for the excellent feedback, Guv & Larry. I'll be taking that on board to tidy it up for the final version. I'll wait to see what (if anything) anyone else remarks on.
Come visit me at:  www.Starbase23.net

The Senior Service rocks! Rule, Britannia!

The Doctor: "Must be a spatio-temporal hyperlink."
Mickey: "Wot's that?"
The Doctor: "No idea. Just made it up. Didn't want to say 'Magic Door'."
- Doctor Who: The Woman in the Fireplace (S02E04)

2288