Well, I found out how to do a factory restore without a CD. Dell said that they would not send me a replacement install CD, it's my problem if it's lost. These guys are so irritating the hell out of me.
FOr now it's working, though I'm not certain if the problem is truly gone. Now here is the thing that really gets me: whatever did this had to go through the firewall in my wireless router, which is so anal it won't even allow gaming ports to be used, the mcafee firewall set to max, got past the mcafee privacy protection, virus scans and anti-spyware tools and it was hardly ever on the internet to begin with. I think it's safe to say, after going through all that, I won't be resubscribing to mcafee again, and I won't be "getting a dell" either.