COMMENTARY: JOHN KELSO
Austin, Columbus: just two peas in a pod
Friday, September 08, 2006
Buckeye fans, let me welcome you to Austin by pointing out that our town and your town of Columbus have many things in common.
For example, Austin has the Drag. And Ohio is a drag. Your football team mascot is a nut. And Austin has a lot of nuts.
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Austin, Columbus: just two peas in a pod
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Seriously, Ohio State fans, we're soooooo glad you could make it to Austin and not just because it means we don't have to be in Ohio for Saturday's big game.
See, we share a common bond. In some ways, Austin is just like Ohio.
Hey, Ohio, what's hi in the middle and round on both ends? In Austin, it's a joint.
Furthermore, both Columbus and Austin are state capitals with big, snooty universities. And both football programs have a problem with players or former players overexercising their right to bear arms.
Take Tarell Brown, the recently laid-off UT cornerback, who was arrested early Monday morning and charged with possessing marijuana and a handgun while sleeping in a car with a loaded 9 mm gun in his lap. Then there's former Ohio State running back Maurice Clarett, who was arrested with automatic weapons, an open bottle of Grey Goose vodka and a hatchet.
A hatchet? Hey, you never know when you'll have to build a fire.
Both Columbus and Austin have serious fans who will do anything to get into a game. I hear some Buckeye fans are shelling out $1,000 for a ticket to Saturday's game. Well, here in Texas we've got 30 judges who took free or discounted tickets to Longhorn football games.
I think these judges should start a special judges Hellraisers spirit group. They should stand shirtless in Royal-Memorial Stadium with "A-L-L R-I-S-E" painted in burnt orange on their chests.
Also, both Columbus and Austin have people who dress for winter — during hot weather.
First, there's the all-brass and percussion Ohio State military marching band, aka The Best Damn Band in the Land, which will play Saturday night at the big game, dressed in wool deep navy blue slacks and jackets.
This time of year in Texas, only the sheep wear wool.
Cara Ricci, head secretary for the Ohio State band, said band members "would pitch a fit" if they were told NOT to wear their traditional wool uniforms. She said wearing lighter clothing "goes against the rules of looking classy and like a military band."
Yeah, well, so what? We got people in Austin who dress inappropriately for the heat, too. Check out the bushy-bearded homeless guy who hangs out at South First Street and Ben White Boulevard in the summer in a hooded winter coat. It could be 104 outside, and this cat's out there with his hood over his head.
Ohio State's band has a routine called Script Ohio in which the band marches into a written-out Ohio formation. The tuba player dots the i.
If the heat gets the Buckeye tuba player, the Best Damn Band In the Land could bring our homeless guy off the bench to dot the i.
He's used to this climate. Although I doubt he can play the tuba.
John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 445-3606 or
jkelso@statesman.com.
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A judge recently recused himself from a U.T. lawsuit case when the plaintiff's lawyer asked him (In front of the whole darn court mind you) about his free U.T. football tickets.
Topic: Austin and Columbus: two like cities (Read 874 times)