Topic: Hexx the Galactic Hero...

[Hexx]

Commander Hexx of the Federation coughed and nearly choked on his Coca Cola at the thought.

"Sir we have Admiral t00l" on prioirty channel Omega 6 asking for you"

Hexx checked his watch, 9:14 AM on a Monday,after one of the longest and bloodies skirmishes his newly assembled crew had seen.
Still what choice did he have.. if only he'd taken thos night courses..

"Put him through"

The screen glared to life showing a squat, dingy litttle Hydran. Truly a race beaten with the ugly stick at creation. And unfotunately the commanders of his little ship.As usual the Admiral jumped in before Hexx even had a chance to say hello.

"Hello Hexx, whats happening? Ahhh, we have sort of a problem here. Yeah. You apparently didn't put one of the new cover sheets on your TPS reports?"

"Oh yes sir, sorry about that I forgot"

"Hmm, yeah see we're putting cover sheets on all the TPS reports before you send them out. Did you see the orders about this?

"I can't believe this navy" Thought Hexx,"No wonder they're always getting their asses kicked by the Lyran."

"Yes sir I did, I've actually got it right here, I just forgot, what with the battle we just fought against the Lyrans, I should again point out that we captured  a new class of Destroyer, we haven't seen it before, power like you wouldn't believe an" The Admiral cut him off as if he'd not even been listening.

"Yeah, if you could just make sure you do that from now on. That would be great. And I'll go ahead and make sure you get another copy of those orders"

"We've got them right here sir, what do you want us to do with the captured shi"

"Alright Hexx, t00l out"

Hexx sat stunned as the screen wnet blank. Here his crew had fought like madman to cover that Hydran "withdrawl" and actually managed to board and capture some never before seen Destroyer. It seemed like some sort of command craft as well,more power than could be believed and all the Admiral wanted to do was complain that there offical report hadn't had the proper cover sheet. Somethimes he just wanted to scream.
He stillw asn't sure why the Federation had sneaked a small squadron of ships above the galactic plane down into Hydran space, it wasn't like anyone was offically at war or anything and..

"Sir Admiral Die Hard is on coms for you"

"Finally!" said Hexx, "Now we can get some orders. On screen"

The screen flickered with the Andorian Admiral's picture. Hex had never met the Admiral, but he had a good reputation and

"Commander!" The Admiral said warmly "We need to talk about your TPS reports"

"Uh, yes sir, Admiral t00l told me about it"

"Yeah, did you receive those orders?"

"Yes Sir, it's just that with the battle and all I forgot, no excuse sir, and Sir we did capture a enw kind of"

"Yeah , it's just the Hydran/Federation command has deided we want cover sheets on all our TPS reports, so if you could remember to do that from now on that would be great"

Well it never paid to talk back to Admirals. "Yes Sir, now sir, if I may we have captured a ship here that I believe Intelligence should"

"Great Commander, keep those reports neat and tidy. Die Hard out"

Hexx gaped as the screen went dark. He slowly looked around. His command crew managed to avoid his gaze, although he though he saw the hint of a few smiles.
Was High Command insane? They had fought and taken losses, captured this new ship- even capturing an older ship was rare at best.
Although he had heard a rumour from a few Hydran captains that Admiral t00l himslef had lost a ship or two to Lyran borading parties in various skirmishes. Still any ship was a prize that desreved to be looked at.

"Sir we have new orders comming in from Alliance Command"

Hexx didn't even want to know. "Orders about the ship?"

"No Sir" His com officer didn't even blink. " It's the TPS cover letter order again. They want confirmation we've received it"

Hexx sunk back in his command chair and closed his eyes. They had a captured Lyran destroyer, increased Klingon and Lyran activity along the borders. And all command wanted to do was keep everything filed neatly.

He opened his eyes and gazed out the main viewer. The destroyer was a nice looking ship, and he was expected to use some of his own discretion after all...

[Dizzy]

rofl!

Oh man that's funny. If you guys have seen office space you'll just die... Hexx, what about the part about the fax machine??? C'mon dude!

And finish telling the story of what happened to the Lyran Destroyer you captured and flew against the Coalition!

Admins, please sticky this thread as this will be the Official Role Play Thread for SGO VI. This is where we will smack talk and congradulate each other for smacking into rocks and being nice phaser fodder and posting general kill info.

Nice story Hexx.

[KBFLordKrueg]

Saw the movie, it was hilarious...

[SkyFlyer]

* SkyFlyer jumps out of the shadows and kills Hexx with a large rock.

But... But... you have my stapler... my stapler....

[KAT Chuut-Ritt]

* SkyFlyer jumps out of the shadows and kills Hexx with a large rock.

But... But... you have my stapler... my stapler....

Thats not a stapler, its a Gorn command Cruiser 

[KAT Chuut-Ritt]

Ok guess I'll chip in

DUCKS
-----------------

Captain's Quarters. EARLY-MORNING HOURS

A Targ sleeps on a neatly made bed.

A CLOCK reads twenty to six.

A shelf of Booksholds such classics as Dante's Inferno,The Poetry of Kahless, Embrace the Drone, and Hamlet.  A framed Batlef, oiled and well kept, hangs askew on the wall. A snapshot of a Klingon woman with a rather large posterior  is stuck in the
corner, and a bra weighs one end down. A Communicator sits quietly atop a bundle of bloddied leather. It suddenly explodes with a
resounding ring-once, twice, three times. A closet door swings open, and a half-clad figure falls out. the communicator
rings yet again, and a hand falls upon the receiver, yanking it off the trash can, Captain Duck picks up the communicator.

Duck:  Hello...What?...No, I'm off duty. (pause) today...I got a batlef tourney at two.

the Targ yawns and shakes its head.

Duck: Admiral t00l, why don't you call Chuut?...Because I'm frickin' tired....I just arrived last night....(deep sigh) Kahless...What time are you going to relieve at?...Twelve...Be there be twelve?...Swear...

Duck: Swear you'll relieve me by twelve and I'll do it....Twelve...Twelve or I walk.

Duck slams down the communicator, wrestles with the Targ a bit looks at the clock...

Duck: Sh@#$!

Cut to Alliance starbase.

Duck on board his Kzinti Command Cruiser punches the commands that open  the metal shutter of the dock revealing open space.. Then grabs grabs two bundles of orders from Admiral tool papers, throwing them inside the captains quarters.

A very dark room barely lit by the artificial illumination. Suddenly, the lights flick on, revealing the glorious interior of the
captain's cabin. A Kzin looks at Duck as he passes to his desk.  The bundle of orders  is snapped open with a daqtagh.
Various orders and protocols slam into the appropriate racks. One rack remains empty. A coffee filter is placed in a metal pot.
Ground coffee follows, and the mix is shoved into place in the coffeemaker. The switch is flicked and the machine comes
to life. The empty  rack with the heading Kzinti Herald seems out of place among all the other stacks of papers. Duck rubs his goatee and stares, puzzled.  He rolls his eyes as it occurs to him.

Duck: Sh@#$!

The desk drawer pops open, and a hand extracts a credit.

We see Duck approach the crew recreation area. He stops and dropsthe credit in the slot of a paper receptical.
He pulls the door down, Duck pulls a paper from the Kzinti Herald vending machine, as he lets the door slam shut. He turns to walk away, but the sound of the quarter dropping into the change slot stops him. He takes a step back to grab the coin.

Back in the captains  ready room

The paper drops into the once-empty rack with a resounding
flop. The quarter drops back into the desk drawer.

Duck stands up looks at the now ready coffee and shakes his head,
He moves to the liquor cabinet tries to jam the key into the  lock. He
looks down at it.

Duck: Sh@#$!

The lock is stuck with gum or something hard and
obtrusive like gum, preventing the key from being inserted.
Duck looks around and kicks the shutter angrily.

Duck: Damn Kzinti spraying!

Duck looks at the clock. The clock reads 6:20. Duck leans behind the desk, the
morning routine completed. He stares ahead, catatonic, then
drops his head in his hands. The day has begun. His first serving with the navy of the Kzint Hegemony.



Meanwhile outside the ship on the docking platforn C-Los and Capt. Jeff walk onto the gangway. 



C-Los pulls off the coat of his uniformand swings it into the arms of Capt. Jeff. C-Los then throws down with a makeshift slam
dance, spinning his arm and fake-hitting Capt. Jeff who stands there in silence.

C-Los:  WE NEED SOME T*TS AND A$$,  YEAH!

Capt. Jeff  lights a doobie.

C-Los: I feel good today, Capt. Jeff.  We're gonna make some prestige! And then you know what we're going to do? We're going to go to that party at the Star's End and get some p**sy!, and I don't mean Kzinti,  I'm gonna *** this b***h, that b***h...I'LL *** ANYTHING THAT MOVES!

Capt. Jeff points to a technician

C-Los: What you looking at?! I'll kick your frickin' a$$! Doesn't that motherf***r still owe me ten credits?

Capt. Jeff nods, and inhales again.

Some yeoman walk past. C-Los smiles at them.

C-Los: Wa sup sluts? Damn Capt. Jeff! You one rude motherf****r! But you're cute as hell.

 

[stoneyface]

*sprays cashews all over the desk!!!

[Dizzy]

OMG I love this sh*t. That was brilliant! When's the rooftop hockey game start!!!!???

[KAT Chuut-Ritt]

Father Ted keep the Bombshelter doors open I might have to enter quickly after this next post 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ducks (Continued)
--------------------------

Duck sitting in Ready room behind his desk looking dejected.

KRolling: Okay, champ. What's wrong?

Duck lifts his head and shoots her a disgusted look.

KRolling: All right, stupid question. But don't you think you're taking this Kzinti RM thing a bit too hard?

Duck:  Too hard?! I don't have enough indignities in my life now I gotta deal with Chuut, Lyrkiller, and Soreyes throwing T-bombs at me!

KRolling: At least they aren't nuclear space mines.

Duck:  I hate this frickin' race.

KRolling: Then quit. You should be going to Starfleet Academy anyway...

Duck:  Please, Kim. Last thing I need is a lecture at this point.

KRolling: All I'm saying is that if you're unhappy you should leave.

Duck:     I'm not even supposed to be here today!

KRolling: I know. I stopped by your quarters on the starbase and Mini-Me said you left at like six or something.

Duck: Chuut got Gorn fever and couldn't RM.

KRolling: Don't you have a batlef tourney at two?

Duck: Yes! And I'm going to fight like Sh@#$ because I didn't get a good night's sleep!

KRolling: Why did you agree to come in then?

Duck: I'm only here until twelve, then I'm gone. The t00l is coming in.

KRolling: Why don't you open the liquor cabinet and pour yourself a drink?

Duck:  The last captain of this ship sprayed the locks shut.

KRolling: You're kidding.

DucK:  Bunch of Felines in this ship.

KRolling:  You look bushed. What time did you get to bed?

Duck:    I don't know-like two-thirty, three.

KRolling: What were you doing up so late?

Duck: (skirting) Hunhh? Nothing.

KRolling: (persistent)What were you doing?

Duck: Nothing! Kahless! I gotta fight with you now?

KRolling: Who's fighting? Why are you so defensive?

Duck: Who's defensive? Just...Would you just hug me?! All right? The Kzinti RM is having a bad day and he needs to be hugged.

Kim stares at Duck.

Duck: What? What is that?

KRolling: She called you, didn't she?

Duck:    Oh, be real! Would you...Would you please hug me? I'm going through a very traumatic experience, all the spraying and caterwaulling and such, and I haven't been having the best day so far. Now come on.

Kim continues to stare.

Duck:    What? What's with that look?! I wasn't talking to anyone, especially her! Look at you, being all sort of...I don't know...stand-offish.

Kim looks away.

Duck: Fine. You don't trust me, don't hug me. I see how it is. All right Pissy-pants, you just go on being suspicious and quiet. I don't even want to hug you at this point.

Kim looks back at Duck.

Duck: (pleadingly) Give you a dollar?

                     
Time passes


A note on the desk next to a small pile of assignment forms and 'nip reads:

PLEASE LEAVE 'Nip ON THE COUNTER. TAKE ONLY FOR LEGITIMATE PURPOSES. BE HONEST.

Duck and Kim are slumped on the floor, behind the desk. Kim holds Duck close purring in his ear, his head on her
chest. The sounds of orders and 'Nip being taken from the counter is heard.

Duck: Thanks.

The door is heard opening and closing-a junior officer leaving.

KRolling: How much 'nip did you leave up there?

            
Duck: Like three ounces in mixed capsules and a couple of doobies. Crew only get their typical daily assignments this time of morning.

KRolling: You're trusting.

Duck:     Why do you say that?

KRolling:  How do you know they're taking the right amount of 'nip? Or even taking their rightful assignments?

Duck:   Theoretically, Kzin see money on the counter and nobody around, they think they're being watched.

KRolling: Honesty through paranoia. Why do you smell like Kzin spray?
 
Duck:  I had a go at the liquor cabinet before you arrived. The smell won't come off.

KRolling: Do you think anyone can see us down here?

Duck: Why? You wanna have sex or something?

KRolling: (sarcastic) Ooh! Can we?!

Duck: Really?

KRolling: I was kidding.

Duck: Yeah, right. You can't get enough of me.

KRolling; Typically male point of view.

Duck: How do you figure?

KRolling: You show some bedroom proficiency,and you think you're gods. What about what we do for you?

Duck: Women? Women, as lovers, are all basically the same: they just have to be there.

KRolling: "Be there?"

Duck:    Making a male climax is not all that challenging: insert somewhere close and preferably moist; thrust; repeat.

KRolling: How flattering.

Duck: Now, making a woman climax...therein lies a challenge.

KRolling:  Oh, you think so?

Kim looks at her pens.

Duck: A girl makes a guy orgasm, it's standard. A guy makes a girl orgasm, it's talent.

KRolling: And I actually am allied to you?

Duck: Something wrong?

KRolling:  I'm insulted. Believe me, Don Juan, it takes more than that to get a guy off. Just "being there"-as you put it-is not enough.

Duck: I touched a nerve.

<Somewhere on the starbase Chuut and Father Ted begin moving towards the bomb shelter>

KRolling: I'm astonished to hear you trivialize women's role sexual matters.

Duck: (backtracking) It wasn't directed at you personally. I was making a broad generalization.

KRolling: You were making a generalization about "broads!"

Duck: These are my opinions based on my experiences with the few women who were good enough to sleep with me.

KRolling: How many?

Duck: How many what?

KRolling: How many girls have you slept with?

Duck: How many different girls? Didn't we already have this discussion once?

KRolling: We might have; I don't remember How many?

Duck:(pause to count) Twelve.

KRolling: You've slept with twelve different girls?

Duck: yes.

<Sound of Bombshelter door closing is heard>

Kim pulls out a Rolling Pin seemingly from midair and whomps Duck with it.

DucK: What the hell was that for?

KRolling: You're a pig.

Duck: Why'd you hit me?

KRolling: Do you know how many different RMs I've purred for?

Duck:    Do I get to hit you after you tell me?

KRolling: Three

Duck: Three?

KRolling: Three including you.

Duck: You've only purred for three different people?

KRolling: I'm not the pig you are.

Duck: Who?

KRolling: You!

Duck: No; who were the three, besides me?

KRolling: Chuut, and Hooch.

Duck: Wow. That's great. That's something to be proud of.

KRolling: I am. And that's why you should feel like a pig. You men make me sick. You'll sleep with anything that says yes.

Duck: Animal, vegetable, or mineral.

KRolling: Vegetable meaning paraplegic.

Duck: They put up the least amount of struggle.

KRolling: After dropping a bombshell like that, you owe me. Big.

Duck: All right. Name it.

KRolling: I want you to come with me on Monday.

Duck: Where?

KRolling:  To Starfleet Acaademy. There's a seminar about getting back into a scholastic program after a lapse in enrollment.

Duck: Can't we ever have a discussion without that coming up?

KRolling: It's important to me, Duck. You have so much potential as a Federation captain that just goes to waste in Kligon ships, you'd go back to school.

Duck: Kahless, would you stop? You make my ridges hurt when you talk about this.

Kim stands, letting Duck'S head hit the floor.

Duck:  Sh@#$! Why are we getting up?

KRolling: Unlike you, I have a class in forty-five minutes.

Soreyes is standing at the counter. Kim reacts to him.

KRolling: (surprised) Soreyes!

Soreyes: Kimmy! How are you? You assigned here now?

KRolling:  (locks arms with Duck) No, I'm just visiting the Kzinti RM.  (to Duck) Ducky, this is Soreyes. (to Soreyes) This is Shadowlord,  the Kzinti RM.

Duck: How are you? Just the assignment?

Soreyes: And a capsule of 'nip, medical you know...(soreyes points to his goggles).  (to Kim) Are you still going to Rock mining school?

KRolling: No, I transferred into Officer training this year. I was tired of missing the action.   

Soreyes:  Do you still talk to Hooch?

KRolling:  Occassionally.

Soreyes: (leaving) That's cool. Well-you two take it easy, all right?

KRolling: I will. Take it easy.

Soreyes exits.

KRolling: Bye (to Duck) that was Furball.

Duck: Why do you call him that?

KRolling:  Hooch made it up. It's an oral thing.

Duck: What do you mean?

KRolling: After he gets a his ears licked, he likes to have the fur spit back into his mouth.   It's called furballing.

Duck:(beginning to chuckle) He requested this?

KRolling: He gets off on it.

Duck: I heard that Hooch can be talked into anything.

KRolling: Why do you say that?

Duck:  Like you said-he furballed him.

KRolling: Hooch? No; I furballed him.

Duck:  Yeah, right.

KRolling: I'm serious...

A moment of silence as Duck'S chuckles fade to comprehension.

Duck: You licked that Kzin's ears?

KRolling: Yeah. How do you think I know he liked...

Duck:(panicky) But...but you said you only had purred forthree guys! You never mentioned him!

KRolling: That's because I never purred for him!

Duck: You licked his ears!

KRolling:  We went out on missions a few times. I didn't purr, but we goofed around a bit.

Duck:(massive panic attack) Oh my God! Why did you tell me you only purred for three guys?

KRolling: Because I did only purr for three guys! That doesn't mean I didn't hang out with people.

Duck: Oh my God-I feel so nauseous...

KRolling:  I'm sorry, Ducky. I thought you understood.

Duck: I did understand! I understand that you slept purred for three different guys, and that's all you said.

KRolling: Please calm down.

Duck: How many?

KRolling:  Ducky...

Duck:  How many ears have you licked?!

KRolling: Let it go...

Duck: HOW MANY?

KRolling:  All right! Shut up a second and I'll tell you! Jesus! I didn't freak like this when you told me how many girls you slept with.

Duck: This is different. This is important. How many?!

Kim counts silently, using fingers as marks. Ducks hands Lyrkiller, who just walked in, some orders in the interim. Kim stops counting.

Duck: Well...?

KRolling: (half-mumbled) Something like thirty-six.

Duck: WHAT? SOMETHING LIKE THIRTY-SIX?

KRolling: Lower your voice!

Duck: What the hell is that anyway,"something like thirty-six?" Does that include me?

KRolling: I've never licked your ears, Klingon ears are gross.

Duck: THIRTY-SIX?

KRolling: (walking away) I'm going to class.

Duck: I'm not even good enough to be number THIRTY-SEVEN! (to Lyrkiller) My Alliance liason licked thirty-six ears!

Lyrkiller: In a row?

Duck chases Kim down in the corridor outside the ready room and grabs her by the door.

Duck: Hey! Where are you going?!

KRolling: Hey listen, jerk! Until today you never even knew how many guys I'd purred for, because you never even    asked. And then you act all nonchalant about sleeping with twelve different girls. Well, I never had sex with twelve different guys!

Duck: No, but you licked enough ears!

KRolling: Yeah, I went down on a few ears...its a pretty common custom among the Kzin to lick the ears of those you care about.

Duck:  A few?

KRolling:   ...And so what if one of those guys wasn't you! The last one, I might add, was before you joined the Alliance, and if you're too stupid to comprehend- this means that I've been faithful to you since you joined! All the other guys I hung out with before I met you, so, if you want to have a complex about it, go ahead! But don't look at me like I'm the town stamp licker, because you were plenty busy yourself!

Duck: (a bit more rational) Well...why did you have to lick their ears? Why didn't you just sleep with them, like any decent person?!

KRolling: Because going down it's a big deal!    I used to like a Kzin, we'd hang out, run some missions together, and sooner or later I'd lick his ears. But I only purred for the guys I really liked.

Duck: I feel sick.

KRolling: (hugs him) I like you. Don't feel sick.

Duck:  If I tried to kiss you now I'm going to taste thirty-six Kzin ears.

Kim violently lets go of him.

KRolling: I'm going to the Academy. Maybe later you'll be a bit more rational.

Duck:(pause) Thirty-six. I just can't...

KRolling:  Goodbye, Ducky.

Kim exits in a huff. Duck stands there in silence for a moment. Then he swings his door open and yells out.

Duck: Try not to lick any more ears on your way through the parking lot!

Two Ferrengi who were walking in the opposite direction outside in the coridor double back and head in the direction Kim went.

Duck: HEY! HEY, YOU! GET BACK HERE!
-------------------------------------------------------------

 

Chuut Jumps into Bombshelter slams the door shut and bolts it.

[SkyFlyer]

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

[Dfly]

makes a guy just want to get back into a cat suit 

[IAF Lyrkiller]

Dont quit now Chuut, it is good reading.

[stoneyface]

brilliant!!!

[FPF-DieHard]

Captain's Log Stardat 2265.102

Federation Flagship USS Bill Clinton (F-CC+) Encounters Jacobi (K-D7C) in a 1v1 in Open space.

D7C is captured . . .

GG   

[SkyFlyer]

flagship LMAO.

[KBFLordKrueg]

Captain's Log Stardat 2265.102

Federation Flagship USS Bill Clinton (F-CC+) Encounters Jacobi (K-D7C) in a 1v1 in Open space.

D7C is captured . . .

GG   

Should be reported in the Kills section of the OCI, sir.

[FPF-DieHard]

Captain's Log Stardat 2265.102

Federation Flagship USS Bill Clinton (F-CC+) Encounters Jacobi (K-D7C) in a 1v1 in Open space.

D7C is captured . . .

GG   

Should be reported in the Kills section of the OCI, sir.

Was reported there to, hopefully I saved it correctly 

[Dizzy]

AHAHAHA! Please, more GSA players, Please!

[KBFLordKrueg]

Captain's Log Stardat 2265.102

Federation Flagship USS Bill Clinton (F-CC+) Encounters Jacobi (K-D7C) in a 1v1 in Open space.

D7C is captured . . .

GG   

Should be reported in the Kills section of the OCI, sir.

Was reported there to, hopefully I saved it correctly 

Just looked again, it's not showing, so, I guess you didn't...

[Soreyes]

Somewhere in neutral space fly's the Homicidal, Genocidal, Suicidal, Soreyes in the DF "Close To The Edge".

Tactical: Sir I'm picking up three Klingon ships at a range of 100

Soreyes: Fire probe, go to Red alert, Make 1 SP and prepare to set tractor at lv 2.

Tactical: Sir I'm showing that the Klingon's are here with two F5s and a D6G. I am also showing that there is a F-CC+ under the Command of Capt. Die Hard, and a F-GSC under the command of Capt. Komodo also in the area. They are powering up there weapons and setting course toward the D6G.

Soreyes: Ah good. It's good to be flying with Capt. Die Hard and Capt. Komodo again. Helmsman, set course toward the F5 to the far left. CHARGE!!!!!!

Tactical: Um Sir we have a problem. It seems that our IDF is not in alignment with the Federation ships. We are not shown as allies.

Soreyes: Comm open a channel to both Fed ships. Captains Die Hard and Komodo. Greetings. It appears that we may have a problem with the Friend And Foe transponders. Right now it shows that we are not allied. What are your assessments of this situation?

Die Hard:  <Snicker>

Komodo:  <Snicker>

Soreyes:  OH CRAP!  This is going to be a long War