Topic: ALL HAIL ALCOHOL!!!GIFT OF THE GODS

[TraumaTech]

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy



"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra



"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman



"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright



"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke



"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin



"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry



To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell



And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[Mutilator]

 

Funny stuff

Hic! 

 

and a little of the hair that bit you the next morning 

[762_XC]

 

[likkerpig]

Best Mo**** F****** thread ever on these boards!
BOOZE IS LIFE!
 

[KAT Chuut-Ritt]

I think this belongs here:


Bruce's Philosopher's Song



Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
who was very rarely stable,

Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy begger
Who could think you under the table,

David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel

And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as sloshed as Schegel.

There's nothing Neitzche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist,
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed.

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was paticularly ill,

Plato, they say, could stick it away,
Half a crate of whisky every day.

Aristotle, Aristotle, was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram.

And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
"I drink, therefore I am."

Yes, Socrates, himelf, is paticularly missed....
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed.

[KBF-Soth]

Looked like a good thread to post this.Just got back from Vegas(5 days to long for me lol).Of course,I had to go to the Hilton to check out the Star Trek Experience.Was cool.Went to the bar had 3 Mind Melds and a WarpCore Breach.I don't remember the Monorail ride back to hotel,ended up sleeping half of night away and felt like my head and gut experienced the WC breach.All in all had fun but glad to be home.I don't think I have drank that much since I was in my twenties,looking to get liver removed and sent to lab for detox

[TraumaTech]

Looked like a good thread to post this.Just got back from Vegas(5 days to long for me lol).Of course,I had to go to the Hilton to check out the Star Trek Experience.Was cool.Went to the bar had 3 Mind Melds and a WarpCore Breach.I don't remember the Monorail ride back to hotel,ended up sleeping half of night away and felt like my head and gut experienced the WC breach.All in all had fun but glad to be home.I don't think I have drank that much since I was in my twenties,looking to get liver removed and sent to lab for detox

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your boxers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like Elaine from Seinfeld.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite s e x without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

[Mutilator]

 THE BEER PRAYER

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen.

[Bonk]

Sigh... to be young again... like they say; youth really is wasted on the young! 

First it was prohibition, now this. What's next? Candy? Coffee? Tobacco? Damn, its almost like the law has something against happiness.

[762_XC]

and lead us not to incarceration,

AMEN !!

[TraumaTech]

Remember to tune up first with this:


 DOUGH... the stuff that buys me beer 
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer 
ME...... the one who drinks the beer 
FAR..... a long run to get beer 
SO...... I'll have another beer 
LA...... I'll have another beer 
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer 
That will bring us back to DOUGH 

[762_XC]

Remember to tune up first with this:


 DOUGH... the stuff that buys me beer 
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer 
ME...... the one who drinks the beer 
FAR..... a long run to get beer 
SO...... I'll have another beer 
LA...... I'll have another beer 
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer 
That will bring us back to DOUGH 

LMAO!!! 

[TraumaTech]

Pussy Versus Beer (X)




A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice
cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.


If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not
disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy




If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely
get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you
need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a
football game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a
football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a
breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a
high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: Beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: Beer.

Beer can make you see the porcelain God.
Pussy can make you see God.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about your next beer, you are
an alcoholic.
If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you
are normal.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual
harassment.
Advantage: Draw

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the
dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly
have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have
enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill. Bad pussy:
Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright, Dana Doran
Advantage: Draw

Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, New Castle.
Good pussy: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: Pussy.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[KBF-Crim]

B ,double E , double R , U, N

Beer run!

B ,double E , double R , U, N

Beer run!

We got a key and a car and a fiver

all we need is a sober driver

B ,double E , double R , U, N

Beer run...

 

[TraumaTech]

The Scotsman
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair,
And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share.
He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet,
And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by,
One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye:
"See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built?
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt!"

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be;
Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see.
And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothin' more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marvelled for a moment, then one said: "We must be gone.
Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonnie star the Scotsman's kilt did lift and show.

Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled towards the trees.
Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees.
And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,
"Oh, lad I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!"

[TraumaTech]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra. (Apparently this has happened to several people?!)


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an ass hole.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends leave.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.