Topic: Frasier Quotes

[toasty0]

After his first day of work] Frasier: In the last week I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career. The first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show. Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office.

[Sirgod]

Man I loved that show. It was so nice to get some highbrow humor on TV at the time. Has It been released on DVD yet?

Stephen

[toasty0]

Daphne: Well, for someone who writes dribble, she's awfully popular.
 
Frasier: Oh, really, fancy that. She tells everyone that they're perfectly wonderful and that nothing wrong is ever their fault. What do you know, they like it.

Daphne: There's a lot more to it than that. You should try reading one of her books.

Frasier: Yes, well I have. Believe me, after one page, I was yearning for the worldly cynicism of Barney the Dinosaur.

[Nemesis]

Man I loved that show. It was so nice to get some highbrow humor on TV at the time. Has It been released on DVD yet?

Stephen

6 Seasons worth at least according to Amazon . com.  The 7th is due in November.

[Lepton]

My God, Frasier is so dead.  The show has piddled around in syndication for what seems eons and now that no one wants to put it on the air, they're releasing it on DVD.

Good show for its time, but that show is so done.

[toasty0]

Just for that I'll have to find and post more quotes from the show.

[Nemesis]

Just for that I'll have to find and post more quotes from the show.

I'll do it for you.

Memorable Quotes from
"Frasier" (1993)
[Bebe and Frasier have slept together]
Frasier: All right, just go ahead. Get your shots in.
Niles: No, no. I'm just glad you're all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating.

Bebe: Do you have any idea how hot you are? I get offers everyday from other stations offering the moon for you.
Frasier: Good Lord, am I really that hot?
Bebe: Are you kidding? If I were a pot roast, I'd be done.
Niles: Hello, I'm Niles, a person at the table.
Bebe: Niles, thank God you're here. Back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.
Niles: She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far.

Martin: Well, I think I'm going to hit the hay too.
Bebe: That's awfully risky of you, isn't it? Leaving us "kids" out here unchaperoned.
Martin: Better him than me.

[Gil and Martin are snacking at the Halloween party]
Gil Chesterson: Oh, my, what a delectable medley of fromagian splendor. You must try one.
Martin: [picks up a cheese cube and eats it] Mmm... cheesy.
Gil Chesterson: Mmm, yes, "cheesy." Le mot juste. Must be glorious to have such a happy knack for clarity and concision.
Martin: Yep. So who are you supposed to be?
Gil Chesterson: Chingachgook. I'm the last of the Mohicans.
Martin: Oh... Well... that little mystery solved.

[Frasier complains he does not like to hug]
Roz: I read somewhere that if you have physical contact on a regular basis, it can actually extend your life.
Frasier: Well in that case, you should outlive Styrofoam.

Daphne: I'm a resident alien here from England - you know, the country that used to own you people.

Frasier: What kind of a woman are you? You seduced me, you lied to me, you nearly got me killed. You've shamelessly manipulated not only me but the station, the news media, and the entire city of Seattle. What do you have to say for yourself?
Bebe: Aren't you glad I'm on your side?

Daphne: Roz, is everything all right?
Roz: Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that my hair is huge and this dress is a joke.
Frasier: No, nonsense, Roz. You look divine.
Roz: No, I look like Divine.

[Niles is preparing Thanksgiving turkey in Lilith's kitchen]
Niles: Where do you keep your saffron?
Lilith: Third cupboard.
Niles: Mm-hmm, and where do you keep your shallots?
Lilith: In the crisper. By the way, you still have to remove the entrails from the chest cavity.
Niles: In that case, where do you keep your ten-foot pole?

Frasier: Oh, what do I ever say? "You're in denial, seek help," blah blah blah.

Niles: Her lips were saying "no," but her eyes were saying, "read my lips."

Frasier: I do not have a fat face.
Niles: Oh, please. I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter.

[on having in-laws without being married]
Roz: That's like posing nude for your art teacher and still flunking the course.
[Frasier is shocked]
Roz: Shut up. I needed the credit.

Frasier: Is that your idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?
Niles: Obviously, you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.

Niles: Well, as some illustrious person said, "popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity."
Frasier: You just made that up, didn't you?
Niles: Yes, but I stand by it.

Frasier: You know, Niles, what say I buy us dinner and a lot of martinis?
Niles: Sounds great, except for the dinner part.

[Roz comes to the Halloween Party dressed in a saucy S&M outfit]
Daphne: Wow. Roz, don't you look smashing.
Eve: What an interesting costume, who are you?
Roz: I'm O. from the "Story of O."
Everyone: Ohhh...
Roz: It's gonna be a long night.

[about Frasier's agent]
Niles: You're still consorting with that barracuda?
Frasier: Well, a barracuda is what you want in an agent, Niles. Well, it's just that the station's been sold, I was hoping she might have some scuttlebutt on the new owner. I must admit she's rather hard to get a hold of these days.
Niles: Oh really? I thought one just drew a pentagram on the floor and chanted "I summon thee" three times.

Daphne: Oh, come on now, Dr Crane. It's not like men have never used sex to get what they want.
Frasier: How can we possibly USE sex to get what we want? Sex IS what we want.

Daphne: Sex. That's your answer for everything. It's like you're part rabbit. People ought to rub your feet for luck.

[Frasier tries to comfort Daphne who's unhappy with her love life]
Frasier: I know how bleak these times can be, but believe me, they will come to an end sometime or later. I remember a time back in Boston, I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid, sophisticated if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love and we got engaged... 'course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor battered heart and handed it to Lilith... who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the puree button. But I rebounded! and look how far I've come. I'm divorced, lonely, and living with my father.

Frasier: Roz, I'm going to tell you something that I didn't learn until I became a father. You don't just love your children. You fall in love with them.

Niles: Pardon me, I need a moment alone with my brother.
Frasier: Not now, Niles. I'm doing really well here. This pointy hat is a babe magnet.

Roz: If you want to know if a man is cheating, you offer him two choices for dinner. One that's rich and fattening, and one that's light and sensible. If he picks the one that's calorie-packed, he doesn't mind turning into a bloated pig, which means he's happily married and you're in the clear. If he picks the diet plate, it means he's staying in shape for his main squeeze, and you should get yourself a lawyer who can sue the sweat off a racehorse.

Frasier: [to Lilith, his ex-wife] My God, woman, I'd drive a stake through your heart, but I don't think anything could kill you.

[after his first day of work]
Frasier: In the last week I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career. The first few nerve-wracking moments, I walk in here and find my producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show. Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office.

Frasier: Six months ago, I was living in Boston. My wife had left me, which was very painful. Then she came back to me, which was excruciating. On top of that, my practice had grown stagnant, and my social life consisted of hanging around a bar night after night. You see, I was clinging to a life that wasn't working, and I knew I had to do something, anything. So I ended the marriage once and for all, packed up my things, and moved back here to my hometown of Seattle. Go Seahawks.

Sherry: I just love making people laugh. I think humor is like medicine.
Niles: Oh, we must've been in the placebo group.

[Frasier's in a new relationship]
Martin: Oh yes, it seems to be getting serious, huh? You know, it's funny, you can always tell. He starts using French words for no reason.

Frasier: Look, frankly, I wish you'd start seeing someone about this bug phobia of yours.
Niles: It is not a phobia. I have a healthy fear of our natural predators. It's us versus them and frankly I'm starting to wonder just whose side you're on.

Niles: He's clearly the one dealing with repressed material, not to mention the obvious Oedipal issues.
Martin: Argle, gargle, gooble, goop.
Niles: What?
Martin: Now you know how it feels. What are you talking about?

[Nemesis]

Niles: Frasier, do you remember the time the Kreizel brothers tied me to their Great Dane and lobbed meatballs down their gravel driveway?
Frasier: I told you Niles, I would have helped you, but their sister was holding me down.

Daphne: I suppose she can be a bit overbearing. But as she often points out, she is paying for the wedding and I am her only daughter and giving birth to me was so painful she did bite through a kitchen spoon.

Frasier: Daphne, just don't let you mother guilt you into having the wedding she wants instead of the wedding you want.
Daphne: Oh, don't worry, mum already promised me I could have the wedding I want, as soon as I have a daughter who gets engaged.

Niles: If all goes well, in two weeks I shall storm the citadel of her womanhood.

Frasier: Just picture it, Daphne. Aren't they something? As you and Donny exit the church one dozen white birds of peace will be released and circle above. Of course, we'll use fourteen in actuality; the power lines always take out a few.

Niles: Why didn't you hold the elevator? Didn't you hear me shouting?
Frasier: That was you? Oh, I'm sorry, Niles. I was afraid you were trying to get a picture of my butt.
Niles: How exciting to be present at the birth of a new phobia.

Martin: People think you're stuffy. You know, with your opera parties, and your wine parties and your seasoned crepe pans.
Frasier: In my defense, Niles is the only one who has ever seasoned his crepe pans.
Niles: Which is precisely why I've had the same set since the ninth grade, thank you very much.

Martin: My point is, you guys could never resist putting on airs. Even when you were in junior high, you used to love that TV program, "The Avengers." You used to run all over the neighborhood pretending you were that guy with the umbrella. Did you have to run through the neighborhood in bowler hats? You were just begging to get beat up.
Frasier: Come to think of it, it was rather a rough summer that year, wasn't it?
Niles: I remember getting a chin strap, so the bowler wouldn't fall off when I ran.
Martin: And all that did was make you look like Elizabeth Taylor in "National Velvet."

Daphne: I went to all sorts of funerals as a child. My uncle's a mortician. Lovely man. He's offered to do my make-up for the wedding.
Frasier: I can just hear the whispers now. "Did you see the bride? Very life-like."

[Bulldog picks up Roz's daughter Alice]
Bulldog: Hey, look who's here. Hey, sweetpea, you are getting so big. Hey, look at that smile, she likes me.
Roz: She's relieved not to be the least mature person in the room anymore.

Bulldog: Okay. If you're not going to have some peaches, we've got some Jell-O in the fridge. You know, some naughty ladies like to wrestle in that stuff.

Roz: Tell me something, do I have the word "loser" tatooed across my forehead?
Frasier: No, Roz, but there is a rumour about a "Tweety Bird" on your upper thigh.

[Niles picks his cemetery plot]
Niles: McGurk got me a shady spot on the high hill.
Frasier: You mean - -?
Niles: Yes: I'll spend eternity looking down on Maris.
Frasier: Oh, Niles.
Niles: Checkmate.

Daphne: Wow. I don't see the three of you watching the same show very often. What's going on? Pavarotti jumping the Grand Canyon?

[Maris had a surgical procedure called botox injections]
Niles: They use those toxins that you put in the forehead, it deadens the muscles and takes away the wrinkles. I gave it to her as a gift one year for our anniversary.
Frasier: Oh, yes, probably your tenth. That's toxins, isn't it?

Martin: Oh great, my kids are having plastic surgery. That's a nice age to get to.

[Frasier was mistakenly thought dead for a day]
Martin: Boy, everybody was so nice to me, buying me beers and everything. You know, because of the shock I went through thinking I'd lost my son.
Frasier: Dad, what are you talking about? You didn't think I was dead.
Martin: Well, people don't have to know that. I could have been at home alone, wondering where you were and I get this strange uneasy feeling so I turn on the TV, and there it is, on the screen: the face of my dead son.
Frasier: But I was sitting right beside you.
Martin: What kinda story is that?
Frasier: It's the truth.
Martin: Well, the truth doesn't put anything on a coaster.

Frasier: Who is this colleague anyway?
Lilith: He's the man who supplies me with lab rats. It's about time we got together socially. I've known him for over fifty-two generations.

Martin: Has the witch gone yet?
Frasier: Lilith's still here, dad.
Martin: Oh, in that case, I'll ask you too, Lilith. Has my twitch gone yet? I had some very strong coffee this morning and...
Lilith: Skillfully done, Martin.

[Niles and Lilith see each other for the first time after their fling]
Frasier: It happened, take from it what you can learn, move on.
Niles: Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice-cream headache.
Lilith: You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole.

Martin: Is it that you can't learn or you won't learn?

Daphne: Beautiful job carving that turkey, Dr. Crane.
Niles: Well, I picked up a thing or two in medical school. In case you're wondering, this bird appears to have died of a massive head trauma.

Lilith: Daphne, is your fiance joining us?
Daphne: No, I'll be seeing him later. Donny has his own Thanksgiving tradition. He has a dinner for all the divorced men he's represented during the year. He's hosting twenty-five today.
Lilith: Wow. Twenty-five lonely, bitter men.
Daphne: Yeah, it's been a good year.

Frederick: I'm saving the universe. Do you want to help?
Niles: I wouldn't know where to begin.

Frederick: That's your guy, you've just escaped from an intergalactic, maximum security prison pod.
Niles: Like they could hold me.

Niles: What's this about?
Lilith: Well, it's about an attraction that I thought was over and now I'm beginning to think, maybe it's not.
Niles: Usually in my dreams, this is where I try to run and can't.

Lilith: If he wants something badly enough, he will figure out a way to get it. Remember when he was a baby, the bottle at the end of the maze?
Frasier: You know, I kinda regret doing that.

Lilith: Do I know my son, or do I know my son?
Frasier: He was willing to put us through absolute hell just for a minibike?
Lilith: You know what this means, don't you?
Frasier: Yes, he's normal. We're not bad parents. Well done, Dr. Sternin.
Lilith: Well done, Dr. Crane.

Lilith: Well, we really should get in there.
Frasier: Yes, I suppose we should. Must be sheer torment for him, waiting for the ax to fall.
Lilith: Absolute hell.
Frasier: Absolute nightmare.
Frasier: Wine?
Lilith: Love some.

Frasier: I am not "of a certain age," Niles. I am smack dab in the middle of "not a kid anymore." I won't be "of a certain age" for another ten years.

Frasier: What esteemed medical journal did you find this little tidbit? "Cosmo"?
Roz: No. "Glamour."
Frasier: Oh, that's priceless. "I can't find the right shade of lipstick," "I look terrible in a bikini," "He can't find my G-spot."

Niles: Well, no wonder you're stressed, you've got a whole universe to run.

[E_Look]

Cheers was much better.

[toasty0]

Ha! Frasier was Cheers when everyone has decided to grow up and take on family.

[E_Look]

Okay, good one. 

[toasty0]

Nem,

Hahahaha...you missed a few.

Frasier: Have you any idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?

Niles: Obviously, you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.

[Nemesis]

Nem,

Hahahaha...you missed a few.

Frasier: Have you any idea of appropriate baseball-watching attire?

Niles: Obviously, you failed to detect the subtle diamond pattern in my tie.

Actually I didn't miss that one it was in the first quote posting.  With so many it was easy to miss though. 

I had many more but the 2000 character post limit combined with the editing time to get all the quotes posted was more than I felt like dealing with.

But here are a few more.

[Eddie (the dog) stares at Frasier]
Frasier: What? Do you want to know what's bothering me too? Well, here's a start, I'm talking to a dog, that bothers me. I'm another year older today, I suppose that bothers me, but not as much as people seem to think. I'm still single, that's a big one. Not having a woman to share my life with. The only women in my life are friends; Roz and Daphne. Daphne's not even here anymore, she'll be married soon. That's going to be tough on Dad. Who am I kidding? It's going to be tough on me. It's been nice having her here. Even when my love life hasn't been going so well, I can always come home to a warm and considerate woman. You know, that's probably why I've been so brusque with her lately. I know that once she's gone, I'll probably be twice as lonely... Well, it's quite a realization isn't it?
[Eddie buries his head under the pillow]
Frasier: You know, there are subtler ways to let the patient know his hour is up.

[on Daphne's family]
Niles: I must be in love. It doesn't even bother me that you come with them.

[having gone out of his way to cheer everyone up on his father's birthday, everyone is abandoning Frasier's planned celebration to join a party downstairs]
Frasier: No, no thank you. I'm not really in the mood any more.
Daphne: Oh, don't be a party pooper.
Martin: Ah, leave him. He's always been this way.
Frasier: Excuse me! Just-just a second! I think it's time we learnt what it is to walk in the shoes of this particular party pooper. I spend the damn week administering to the troubled and the neurotic and the just plain goofy, and then I hang up my earphones and it doesn't end there! Out on the street, in the cafe, even in this building. More people. More problems. I suppose they think it's okay, it's what I do. But every time I try to help them it costs me a little piece of myself. A little bit here, a little bit there, a little bit here, a little bit there... until I end up feeling like a zebra carcass on the Serengeti surrounded by burping vultures! Well, this happened to be one of those weeks. I had my escape planned. I was going to come home for an evening of fun with my extended family. What do I get? I get the four of you going at each other like the Borgias on a bad day! So I roll up my sleeves, and I tend to each one of you. And you all feel better. And the minute you get a whiff of mesquite coming from down below, you are out the door! Without so much as a 'thank you'! Well, thank you for the invitation, but I am, frankly, fed up with people and their problems. The doctor is out.

[Norman's beeper goes off]
Norman: Would you excuse me? It's time for me to take one of my many pills.

Roz: When I die, I want it to be on my 100th birthday, in my beach house on Maui and I want my husband to be so upset that he has to drop out of college.

Niles: I've always liked the notion of meeting the great figures of history. But then I think, what if it's like high school and all the really cool dead people don't want to hang out with me?

[Niles drops by with his dog]
Niles: Hello, Frasier. We were in the neighborhood for a pedicure and a seaweed wrap and we thought we'd stop by. Of course, the pedicure was for...
Martin: Stop right there! There's no way to finish that sentence that'll make me proud.

[Roz is picking up trash on the roadside]
Roz: About a month ago, I got stopped doing sixty in a thirty-mile-an-hour zone. It was either a huge fine or community service. So here I am. It's a nightmare. Breathing exhaust fumes, using a spatula to scrape up road kills...
Frasier: Well, at least look on the bright side. You're outdoors, you can enjoy nature, you're beautifying our highways...
Roz: Frasier, I found an ear!

Frasier: Listen, have you seen Roz? She's late. My show goes on in thirty seconds.
Bulldog: You know what? I'd dump her.
Frasier: That's a little extreme, don't you think?
Bulldog: No. I fire everybody once a year. Housekeepers, personal trainers, phutt. You know, cut them off before they start copping an attitude. Oh, oh, doctors are the worst of all. You pick up the same disease three or four times, they start lecturing you like it's your fault.
[holds up chocolate bar]
Bulldog: Want a bite?
Frasier: Not if you skipped it to me over a pool of disinfectant.

Roz: You should have seen him, Frasier. He was raring to go, he kept bragging about how good he was and how much fun it was going to be, and he dies on me!
Bulldog: Hey, it happens to all guys, okay?
Frasier: Bulldog...
Bulldog: No, no. This is a pet peeve of mine, doc. Why is it always the guy's fault? You know, if you chicks needed a little less booze to get from "maybe" to "yes," we'd be a lot more alert when the moment of truth arrives.
Frasier: Bulldog, Roz was playing checkers with an elderly gentleman and he died.
Bulldog: Oh, well... when I said "We" I didn't mean me, because I don't have that...
[Frasier and Roz just wait]
Bulldog: Hey, you're a doctor, that was confidential!

[Roz's friend at the retirement home died suddenly]
Roz: It just seems so unfair.
[Niles enters]
Roz: One minute he's lying in the bed, smiling and happy, ten seconds later it's over.
Niles: For heaven's sake, it happens to every man a couple of times in his life. Why can't you women take it as a compliment?

Frederick: Dad, did Grandpa ever tell you the story of how he captured four bank robbers with just a nightstick?
Frasier: No. He did tell me how he captured two bank robbers with just a revolver, his partner and a S.W.A.T. team.
Martin: They got there later!

Bulldog: Hey, look, I know how tough it is when you're a kid and you find out you're dad's not as great as you thought. Look, I was about Frederick's age when, well, I came home, my mom was out and I caught my dad with another woman.
Frasier: Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry.
Bulldog: No, no, wait, you haven't heard the bad part yet! She was ugly, doc. I mean coyote ugly. My own dad. And the best excuse he could come up with was, "Hey, you don't look at the mantle when you're poking the fire!"
[pause]
Bulldog: Hey, I just got that!
Bulldog: [laughs]

Daphne: I should think having a lady friend would make you exercise more, not less. I don't mean to be indelicate, but a man in your condition who wants to enjoy certain, shall we say, indoor sports, should take steps to make sure that cranky old Mr. Hip doesn't, shall we say, let down the team, if you get my meaning?
Martin: Don't you worry about me. I may not be the rookie of the year any more but I can still move around the bases!
[Roz comes in]
Roz: Oh, hey, Martin.
Niles: Oh, look, a scout from the majors.

Roz: How could you have done that?
Frasier: Well, it was just an offhand remark, how did I know how she'd react?
Roz: She's Bebe! If you had said you liked my eyes, they would have been on your desk tomorrow in a Tiffany box!

Niles: Have you noticed there are fewer hazlenuts in these biscotti?
Frasier: So I'm not crazy.
Niles: And yet they've gone up twenty-five cents.
Frasier: Oh, fewer nuts, more money - something I've been aspiring to for my entire professional life!

[Frasier plots to get Martin and Sherry out of the house]
Frasier: I bought tickets to an event which is right up their aisle. I felt so mortified just buying the tickets, I paid cash so they couldn't trace it back to me.
Waitress: Excuse me, people! Did somebody leave some tickets back here?
Frasier: Oh, good Lord!
Waitress: Something called, "Nashville on Ice!" Ice skating country jamboree.
[Frasier grabs the tickets as the crowd starts laughing at him]
Frasier: Oh, don't look so smug, you try skating and blowing into a jug while your heart's breaking!

Frasier: Dad, there was a time after my first marriage was breaking up, I was talking to Mom. She said to me, "Frasier, you've got to promise me you're not going to give up." I said, "Mom, please, the last thing I want to hear is a bunch of clichés, and that we're all put on the earth to love each other, and how it's certainly possible for the human heart to love more than one person." I said, "Alright, Mom, give me one good reason to ever let myself fall in love again." She said, "Because I said so and I'm your mother!"

Daphne: You've had your big conk in my business all day!
Sherry: That better mean "nose"!
Daphne: And what if it doesn't?

[the doorbell rings]
Frasier: That'll be Niles. I'm taking him to lunch to get his mind off his troubles.
Daphne: Is that something we shouldn't talk about?
Martin: No, there's no reason why we shouldn't talk about it.
Frasier: Dad, I'm sorry, I don't think he's ready to talk about it so we're not talking about it.
Niles: [from behind the door] Would you mind not talking about it a little less loudly?

Daphne: When will you just admit that this junk belongs in a dustbin?
Martin: You know, I was on a case once where the wife constantly nagged the husband like this. "You never put anything in the garbage. Why don't you ever put anything in the garbage?"
Daphne: Well, he should have listened to her.
Martin: Oh, he did. And that's where we found her!

Frasier: I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala.
Niles: Neither could she, at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face at touching vinyl for the first time. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty, and she liked it. I was her first bad boy.

Niles: I met someone once flying home from college. I got bumped into first class, found myself sitting there next to a positively ravishing woman. She was a bit older and I was trying desperately to be suave, so when she leaned over and suggested we join the Mile High Club, rather than admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile." God, that was twenty years ago.
[starts to chuckle, then]
Niles: Nope, still can't laugh about it.

[toasty0]

You had more? You collect them?

[Nemesis]

You had more? You collect them?

No.  I cheat

[toasty0]

You had more? You collect them?

No.  I cheat

I'm sorry.

[Captain Pierce]

Of course I know what year it is--it's 2278.