Topic: the foreigners guide

[Mackie]

... to finland! now the stuff youre about to see will propably not amuse you as much as it did me for obvious reasons but still... these descriptions and such here are absolutely, completely stereotypical and what makes em funny, is that often they are true (or sometimes just really off or just exagerated to f*ck) 

a few good ones

Finns talk as little as possible. Rarely they touch anyone, shaking hands is the most anyone will ever do. Unless drunk, of course. Whenever there is a big meeting, where a lot of people freely mix together, there are usually no formal introductions. People might have name badges. Foreigners are sometimes treated exceptionally, and, actually, introduced to Finns!

The usual way to introduce a foreigner is to do it in front of everyone, so that Finns wouldn't have to touch the foreigner or to talk him/her in person. However, if the introduction is personal, the finns reluctantly shake hands and "say" their name - the custom is to quietly mumble something like "hhmnumh hnmuhmnhh". Ignore what the Finn says and look at the name badge instead.

Then there is the Finnish small talk. The face of a Finn, who is attempting to small talk, gets red, swollen and sweaty, and, after a long silence, he or she finally says something simple with bad english. Nearly every Finn can speak English, most even speak it very well, but these situations make them forget almost everything.

In their home or with the closest friends, Finns can pick their nose, fart, burp, scratch their butt and so on. However, they never do this in public or among strangers. So, if a Finn does any of those things, you know you are now his/her close friend - a great honor!

When talking with a Finn, remember to not take eye contact. Just take brief glimpes into your opponent's eyes. You might want to amuse yourself with the yanks' custom to stare deeply into everyone's eyes. A Finn will be distracted by your staring. Watch out for drunk Finnish men, though - they will think you are a "homo" or something and go berserk. Or, if you are a woman, they'll think you are interested.

Finnish people want to keep distance to people they are talking with. Depending on the situation, Finns' personal space is from one to two metres (that is, about 3' to 6'), at the very least.

There is one situation in which Finnish people do talk, get close, and look into others' eyes. That is when they are drunk. Of course, their English then becomes even harder to understand.

A fact: Finns drink more coffee than anyone else in the whole world! Finns drink coffee in the morning, they drink coffee at their workplace before working, they have at least two coffee breaks during workday, they drink coffee when they arrive home from work, they drink coffee in the evening. There are lots of people who drink 8 or more cups per day.

You will be offered coffee all the time. It is compulsory to drink at least one cup each time. Otherwise finns will get angry. And remember the amount of caffeine they have in the bloodstream. You don't want to anger them.

With alcohol, things are different! There isn't enough alcohol for everyone - or Finns at least act as if there weren't. So everyone takes alcohol immediately when offered, and everyone makes sure that each gets their own share, including guests. Usually, everyone is served the same kind of drink and an equal share. After a few drinks, Finns forget to worry about how much alcohol there is available, and everyone will drink as quickly and as much they think they can.

Finns don't have any idea how to raise a toast - they wave their drinks high in the air and do not know about the proper eye contact before and after sipping the drink. Not even russians managed to enlighten finns in this matter.

A sauna is a room which is traditionally heated to +120° Celcius (about +250°F), and contains an oven filled with red-hot stones. Traditionally, the oven is heated with firewood, but electric sauna ovens are almost as common. Almost every Finnish house has a sauna - this is a fact! It is not considered to be a luxury.

There are several ascending wooden benches ("lauteet") for sitting, typically three or more levels, with the highest place being the hottest. When everyone is seated, water is poured upon the stones. This releases steam. Actually the sauna does not get any hotter, but the steam makes the heat feel much more.

Then there is the "vihta" or "vasta", which is a bunch of birch twigs, with the leaves. These bunches, like short brooms, are first warmed with hot water, then people start whipping themselves and each other violently! More water is also poured on the hot stones. The apparent purpose is to create a place which is like Hell; scalding hot, with people being whipped and groaning.

Finns always take all guests into the sauna. Everyone goes to sauna together, and naked. It is a grave offence to bath in the sauna with any clothes on. That angers not only Spirit of the Sauna (Gnome, Brownie) but the finnish host as well. Normally, the host would have to kill the offender with the knife ("puukko") or the axe! Fortunately that is not done while in the sauna; that would be considered working, and working in sauna is also forbidden.

There is an exception: negotiations, political and business deals can take place in the sauna. In fact, all the important decisions in Finland are always made in the sauna; as long as there are no women present. If there are naked women in the sauna, negotiations are not possible, unless the women are paid servants or escorts. The one who breaks a promise or a deal made in the sauna, will lose his honor.

How to survive a blizzard

Blizzards, or snowstorms, are most common in the spring (up to June or even early July), but a couple feet snowfall in a few days is not uncommon even on other times of the year. Spring blizzards typically last for a week or so, during which time it is impossible to travel anywhere. Snowfall records are somewhere near 3 metres (10 feet), but about 3 feet is usual.

Finnish houses are very well insulated, and some houses (usually the biggest hotels) in the largest cities even have central heating and electricity! So there is no danger of being cold. Finns themselves like to sulk in the corner, drink liquor, and silently stare at the fireplace during blizzards.

Weekend in Finland

If you are only a visitor to the country, you don't have to worry too much about all this. Visitors are almost never taken to this "traditional Finnish weekend". However, it might be good to know what's going on, and why everyone is drunk and hanging around in the city.

"Heavy work requires heavy amusements", is Finns' motto. So, every adult - and most of minors too - start their Friday evening by drinking lots of alcohol. Traditional way is to drink a full bottle of strong liquor, the so-called "Perjantaipullo" (Friday Bottle). However, most modern Finns drink lager and other mild alcohol. In any case, the purpose is to get really drunk and mess around.

Nearly every woman in Finland who has been in a disco, has been the subject to this traditional exchange of words. Here it is, translated as accurately as possible:

    * Very drunk man* (approaching the woman): "Would ya dance with me?!"
    * Woman: "NO!"
    * Very drunk man: "f*ck you then, you whore!" (in Finnish: "Haista sitten vittu, saatanan huora!")
    * *Note: Finnish men never dare to approach a woman before they have drunk a lot of alcohol.

After the "fun" evening at the "restaurant", some people continue into a night club, if they can still get in, and some go to "continuations" ("jatkoille"). It means, a group of finns go to someone's house or apartment and continue drinking. Only a very small percent succeeds in the purpose of the evening, and get laid.

Those who can remember anything from their weekend, can then boast with their drinking and sex stories next week. What most Finns don't seem to know, is that forgetting part of the evening means brain damage caused by alcohol.

http://www.co.jyu.fi/~np/misc/foreigners_guide_to_finland.html

[E_Look]

Sheesh, Mackie; we must be your very good friends...
... what's that smell?

[Mackie]

no, um, thats just the pile of... heretics ... burning in my backyard :p