Why me?
Why?
Well, I just got back from “vacation.” Please note the sarcastic quote thingies.
It all happened about two months ago . . . There I was at Shopasauraus Rex’s house. She had just told me to get comfy in the Lazy-Boy. She had filled me with pizza and had brought me a beer or four.
Obviously . . . something hideous was afoot.
So sometime in the middle of watch Pam Anderson’s body parts jiggle in my favorite “Best of VIP” tape . . . She asked me a question.
SR: J’inn?
J’inn: <mumble> Mmmmm bouncy.
SR: J’inn?
J’inn: <mumble>
SR: Yer not listening are you?
J’inn: That’s a great idea honey.
SR: So . . . Wanna go with me to my cousin’s wedding in LA?
J’inn: That’s a great idea honey.
SR: And would you like to bring along my 2 year old niece?
J’inn: Mmm-Hmm You betcha. <mmmmmmmmm> bouncy.
SR: And would you like to stay for a few days and take her to Disneyland.
J’inn: I agree completely!!
SR: Yer the best honey. Have another beer!
J’inn: Mmmmmm hair . . Lips . . . Legs . .. Explosions. . . . guns . . . I’m HORNY!!!
SR: I have a headache. Here have another beer.
J’inn: Mmmmmmm beer.
So . . . anywho . . . Imagine my shock and horror a few weeks later when I find out what I agreed to. But I was stuck. And besides . . . It’s LA and SR has sworn to handle all baby issues. So how bad could it be??
Well I’m glad you asked. Allow me to consult with my journal . . .
DAY ONE:
Wake up at 3:00 AM _)#*#&)(#&#^#&*^#&*^#&* to drive to get the cute little baby.
Get baby. Baby ain’t happy about being woke up at 3:30 AM. There is a lot of crying. SR tells me to shut up and stop crying so much.
Noxious fumes come from the back seat on the way to the airport. The Little Monster has started chemical warfare.
Pull over to side of road while SR cleans up baby. Fumes over powering. I have to go into the woods off the road to avoid barfing. <so I got a weak tummy stfu!>
Get to airport. Get on plane. No problems.
Man I hate airplanes. Thank goodness the little brat slept the whole time. Ahh nothing like slipping a little whisky into the bottle. <note to self. commit suicide if SR ever sees this>
Need to by Motrin STAT!. Back thrown out from carrying luggage. Still hear the painful giggles of the Sky Cap when SR told him that we didn’t need his help as she carried THE MONSTER and her purse.
I, on the other hand, was in a losing battle with a $3.00 &*(#^&^#*(&^#&*(#(^(#(&* Cart her two 50 pound bags. My 10 pound bag. A few bags with baby stuff . .. all of which weighed more than the baby. And of course . . . The empty suitcase that would be used to haul back the fresh kills . .. . Lord Help Me. And the ()*#&*()#&&^##(&* baby carseat!!
Haven’t slept in over 18 hours. Groggy. Things seem weird. I could have sworn that SR and her sister are babbling something about going to the Orange County Swap Meet a/k/a Hell on Earth. But I am sure SR wouldn’t do that to me.
Dinner with SR’s extended family. They are all Chinese. We go to an authentic Chinese Restaurant. I quickly learn that authentic means kiss yer intestines goodbye!
The older Chinese people there decide to play a quick game of Make the White Boy Barf. Boy did they have a party with that!! Everything still had a head on it. Pigs feet? Why sure. Pigs guts? But of course. BLLECH!!!
Several times I look over at SR and her sister and ask them what the hell is that on the plate. I get scared when they just look at me and shrug. I also note that they don’t eat it.
This is bad. Very bad.
Pass out in bed.
Wake up at 2:00 AM. Spend the rest of the night in bathroom praying for a quick death.
DAY 2 . . .
DEAR GOD SHE’S DRAGGING ME AND A TWO YEAR OLD TO THE ORANGE COUNTY SWAP MEET!!!
Frantically look for sharp objects with which to slash wrists. Fail in search.
Two year old is very unhappy. Although it is hard to tell the emotional state of a creature that can only say the word “NO”
A lay on the floor, full out, crying and kicking tantrum ensues. Nevertheless . . . SR still makes me go to the Swap Meet.
Arrive at Orange County Fairgrounds after driving about 10 miles. Trip takes two hours. I HATE CALIFORNIA TRAFFIC!!! Diaper supply critical. My nose hairs have now completely burned off.
The Swap Meet. If you have never been to one . . . don’t go. It’s a carnival for adult women. Stall upon stall upon stall of cheap crap and fried food. MILES OF IT!!!
Shop Rex decided to check out each and every stall. Baby now begging for a quick death. I’ve given up all hope of salvation. Besides it’s hard to think of death when you are carrying about 50 pounds of goods. I just kept thinking of Mules for some odd reason.
Maybe I would get paid off in sex . . .. .
SR quickly informs me that with a baby in the room that I could forget it. I swear I hear a snicker come from the stroller in front of me.
Finally, the official at the Swap Meet ask SR to leave. Apparently she has scared the hell out of too many of the shop keeps with her bargaining skills. Well that and it’s closing time. I hide my face as it takes a few burly security guards to convince her that the party is over.
So then it’s back to the room for a nap . . . Sadly, LA traffic has other ideas and we get back just in time to get ready for the Wedding Reception.
I throw a tantrum again. This time SR ignores me. The MONSTER simply looks at me and shakes her little head ruefully. Apparently my technique is off.
So off to the reception . . .
It’s in Chinatown. I walk in and it was an EF Hutton moment. HEY WHO INVITED THE WHITE BOY!! Was said by the crowd. Well at least I think it was. They were all speaking Chinese. So it was either that or, where’s the chicken feet, we wanna see him barf!!
Well the Reception went well. Gosh SR has a lot of really really good looking relatives. Some with obvious upgrades. I kept asking here “Are those real!!” She was getting a tad peeved. But hey, I’m sunburnt and delirious from sickness and lack of sleep. Food was good. Whatever it was.
DAY THREE . . .
Wake up in bathroom. Look in mirror. Gosh I think I’ve lost 20 pounds. Although the hotel is a tad miffed over all of the flushing. Darn California water shortages and all.
So today is the day . . ..
DISNEYHELL!!!
We get there. Parking . . .. One arm one leg. Tickets . .. One Arm one leg . . . . Water . . . BwhaHAHAHAHHAHHA!!! Food?? Snort!! You better bring your gold teeth.
Baby Thing has now said NO 1000 times. I’m developing a twitch.
Dear lord it’s crowded. Let’s see . . .
25281097456 Screaming Babes
56483939833 Crying Babies
72373490900 Women whose arses are so wide that they can’t get into the rides
78363787800 Fat guys who are celebrating Deodorant Optional Week
89737896300 Hot Girls who I feel guilty about looking at because they are so young
1 Shop Rex
1 Baby From Hell
1 Suicidal J’inn
I now have third degree sunburns. Baby has gone nuclear. SR swears there is a gift stand she has missed somewhere. I’d kill for a glass of water but the lines for water have signs that say “APPX WAIT TIME FROM THIS POINT 4 DAYS”
Hmmm. I remember my Dad saying “Yeah well people in Hell want ice water” Location of Disneyland confirmed.
6:00 PM . . . begging to leave. Literally. SR tells me that life would not be the same if the little )^#)*&^#*#^&*( didn’t see the fireworks at 9:15 PM.
I hear a snicker from the stroller.
9:15 PM
Baby is out cold asleep. SR sez . . awww isn’t that cute. I guess we could have gone home earlier. I wonder if California has a death penalty.
Okay .. . I’ll admit it . . . Damn good firework display.
Baby sleep through the whole thing.
I point out if the baby can sleep though that she can sleep though my 10 second in bed performance. SR tells me that I’m much louder that fireworks and much more exciting . . . I’m being BSed. And I know it.
We get home. On cue . . Baby wakes up to play . . . The “NO” Game for an hour followed by the POOP game.
DAY FOUR
Outlet Mall day. Need I say more.
However, SR decides that she needs to get her hair done. THIS IS MY CHANCE!!! My chance to actually sit by the pool at the hotel and drink beer. THANK YOU LORD!!!!
Baby snickers. That’s not good.
So we go to the hotel and baby is out cold. So she sez . . . I can’t wake little snook’ems up. You watch her here in the room while I go to the hair place.
ARRRGH so that snicker meant no pool. Well fine. I’ll watch cable and drink beer. HAH!!
SR leaves. Door closes. Baby wakes up!!
)*(^#&*#^(#&*^(*#^*(#&^#&^#^*(#&^(*#&
J’inn read this. J’inn say this. J’inn do this. J’inn get this. Man she is related to SR. No doubt.
But hey, it’s not that bad. I’m drinking beer. Kid is playing. And then it happens . . . .
J’inn I have to go to the potty . . .
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
SO I grab her and hoist her under one arm like a Football Running Back and head towards the bathroom. I get in just in time for her to say . . .
I don’t have to go anymore.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Please let it be number1. Oh please oh please oh please.
I POOPED.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Run to cellphone and frantically dial.
SR: Hello.
J’inn: SHE POOPED! GET BACK HERE RIGHT THE HELL NOW!!
SR: My hair is wet. Handle it.
J’inn: NO!!! NO WAY NO HOW NO !!!! OH DEAR LORD I CAN SMELL IT!!!
SR: <to hairdresser> It’s my boyfriend. He’s upset because he has to change the baby’s diapers.
Hairdresser: That man needs to grow up and take care of his baby. Why if that
J’inn: IT IS NOT MY BABY!!!
SR: Stop screaming.
Hairdresser: Girlfriend give me the phone.
J’inn: NO NO NOIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Hairdresser: <insert rapid fire bitching>
J’inn: It’s not my kid!!
Hairdresser: <insert more rapid fire bitching>
J’inn: I AM J’INN!!! J’INN don’t change poop!!!
<insert sound of another 50 cc of diareahha and gas slamming into babies diaper>
J’inn: HELLLLLLLLLLLLPpppppppppppppppppppp! I want my Mommy!!
Hairdresser: Pathetic. Men. <more bitching at me>
SR: Okay okay, stop picking a fight with the hairdresser she is nice. <whisper> And I don’t want her to get mad and mess up my hair.
J’inn: Oh heaven forbid that!! Now what about YOUR niece Poopasaurus Rex!
SR: Don’t call her that.
J’inn: Ms. Stinkybritches?
SR: J’inn!!!!
Baby: I got Poop.
J’inn: NO ()#**&(#*()#&*()# kidding!!
SR: J’inn!!!!!!!!!!!
Baby: <crying>
Well . . . . SR got home . . . pissed. And handled the situation.
I swear I hear another snicker from the fertilizer machine.
As punishment . . . . We went to The Citadel . . .. It’s an outlet mall.
DAY FIVE
Did you know there is a place call Legoland? Yup. It’s an amusement park based on Legos. Yup. Seriously.
I was there. ALL DAY!!!
DAY SIX
The flight back.
Ticket Agent: Ummm. We kinda over sold your plane from Denver to DC.
J’inn: Accck
Baby: <snicker>
Ticket: But you can get to Denver just fine.
SR: Oohhh there this mall there and . . .
J’inn: AND HOW LONG WOULD WE BE IN DENVER.
Ticket Agent: Gosh that’s ahrd to tell with the holiday weekend coming up.
J’inn: ARRRRGgggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh
So off to Denver we go . . .
While there I use adversity to my advantage. I break several Federal Regulations by threatening a ticket agent with the Babies’ backside. I get us on a plane to Baltimore. Hey, it’s close enough.
Odd thing about airlines. It’s seems they often don’t have room for you but they have plenty of room for your luggage. How do I know this . . . well . . .; . all of it went to DC.
So . . . It’s dark. I’m in Baltimore. And all of our stuff is in DC. Including . . . . the &*^#$*(#^*(&^#&*( baby car seat!!
Well I find a rental car place that actually rents baby seats. My credit card cries for mercy as the auto rental place sees that I am desperate and jacks up the price accordingly. This of course lead to a fight between SR and I.
J’inn: Does she really need a car seat?
SR: YES!!! All babies have to be in them. It’s the law.
J’inn: Laws! Ptui!! Like they matter.
SR: You are a lawyer!!
J’inn: Whatever. Hey lets say she’s a 15 year old midget. Yeah that’s the ticket.
SR: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
J’inn: Hey she’s short. The COPS will never see her.
SR: SNARLLLLLLLLLLLLL
J’inn: Hey, I’m driving so what do you care.
SR: <guttural attack snarl>
J’inn: YIKES!! Alright alright!!
So . .. in the end. I’m tired. My nose has ulcers. My lungs are shot. I have radiation burns all over my face. And my liver is booze deprived..
I’ll get AoTK up soon.
Topic: I'm getting a vasectomy! (Read 2636 times)