Topic: Harmony  (Read 3484 times)

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Offline Commander La'ra

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Harmony
« on: June 01, 2005, 11:31:05 am »
Remember a while back when I asked if anyone would be interested in reading a Star Wars story?  Well, here's the results of that effort.

It's not an action/adventure piece.  Rather, it's a story about two characters I intend to write more with in the future and how they came together.  Sort of establishing a backstory.  In any case, I hope you enjoy it.


--------------------



Harmony




Marissa Sune spun her lightsaber into a neat parry.  It wasn't quick enough.

She used a word she'd been reminded was crude and uncivilized many times by Master Yoda and others.  It wasn't an unimpressive feat; the time between the training droid's weapon sweeping her feet out from under her and her breath-stealing impact on the floor was quite short.

"Pathetic!"

Marissa's blue eyes went wide.  She turned toward the voice.

"I can see that Master Yoda was not exaggerating."  Hissed the creature in the doorway.  "Quite abyssmal!"

The young trainee was used to blunt, even harsh criticism of her swordplay.  No one had ever called her pathetic, though.  No one had ever been quite so uncaring in their dismissal of her.  She felt a surge of anger, but then turned away from the creature and closed her eyes.  She reminded herself of the first tenet of the Jedi Code.

There is no emotion; there is peace.

Her anger subsided.  It did not leave.  She could feel it, bubbling like magma somewhere between her neck and her stomach.

"You have advice for me, Master?"  She asked, standing.  The creature in the doorway was not her Master, though he did hold the rank. She knew of him.  Everyone knew of him.  He was the only member of his species serving as an active Jedi, and his views were said to be...not in synch with many tenets of the Order.

She didn't look at him.  Instead she turned back to the training droid and nodded.  The automaton bowed, then launched itself at her.  She ignited her lightsaber; green light parried metal, once, then twice, then three times.  Then the staff came faster, from one direction, then another, another sweep, a kick from a cold metal leg.  None connected, but her own blows were deflected just as easily.

"I have little to say to one who will not even meet my eyes." Her visitor rasped. 

The anger swelled.  She buried it, a precious half-second of concentration.  Her next parry was awkward, and the one after it.

She was losing.  Again.

"My, things aren't going well."  The Trandoshan chuckled.  He began to walk a lazy circle around the training mat.  Marissa's teeth ground together; she avoided another sweep, but barely, the grain of foresight granted by the force apparently not enough to counteract her distraction.

Another parry, another near miss, another swelling of anger. 

Her visitor was watching now, reptillian eyes boring into her.  She attacked, gaining initiative for one exultant moment before the droid once again took command.  She yelled out, a slight display of frustration.  Her visitor grinned--it was not a smile--and displayed sharp, razor-like teeth. Neither her eyes or the Force gave her warning;  the droid's staff slammed into her shoulder.  She coughed and fought for breath, staring at the cieling for what could've been the thousandth time.

"Your lack of grace has been noted even in the Council chambers, youngling!"  The lizard-man howled. " Is that why you're not yet a padawan?"

She managed to nod between mouthfuls of air.

"Or is it your temper?  I've heard you've a fiery nature...cannot attain the peace required of the youngest learner, much less a candidate for knighthood.  Is that because of your hair?"

Marissa had her breath now.  The anger wasn't just a momentary surge now.  She brushed matted, carrot-red hair away from her forehead and began to rise.

"No, probably a myth..."  The Trandoshan offered.  "...we'll worry about your swordplay for now.  I feel your tantrums will be the more difficult of my conquests."

"Why are you here?"  She demanded, leaning over, hands on her knees.

"Why are you here, Master."  He corrected.

Marissa's face burned.  She did not look up.  She did not amend her statement.  The Trandoshan grinned again.

"Oh, we do have more than our measure of defiance, don't we."  He hissed.

"I have always been respectful of my teachers."  She demanded.  It was true.  She did become frustrated at times, and lash out.  But no one ever saw her.

"I've seen.  Always ready to accept their words and listen with an eager ear.  Well listen to me then, because I am now your teacher."

"What?" She frowned.

"What do you mean, Master."  He corrected.

She did not amend her statement.  He hissed out a laugh.

"Oh you will be enjoyable.  As I said, your lack of grace has been mentioned even in the council.  You're approaching adolecense, and while some of the others believe you to be a lost cause, Master Yoda thinks your saber technique is what's holding you back.  He's asked me to...assist you."

Marissa frowned and worried her lip.  She was the only youngling from her group left in the Jedi Temple.  The rest were gone, padawans to a master or sent away to Republic service where their not-sufficient-for-knighthood ability might still find some use.  She was twelve.  The first stirrings of puberty were upon her.  If a master did not select her within the month, she would never be a Jedi.

She swallowed her earlier defiance, tried again to suppress her anger.  The Trandoshan might be spiteful and acidic, but it wasn't as if Master Yoda were the most forgiving teacher.  She could endure it.

"Yes, Master."  She said quietly.

The lizard-man frowned.  Marissa could only guess as to why, but he would undoubtedly explain.

"Pathetic."  He spat again.  There was a flash of motion, the sudden thrum of a lightsaber activating.  "Defend yourself!"

Marissa fell back, barely parrying the Master's sudden strike.  She hesitated, expecting instruction, and blocked the next blow.  Another attack, another deflection.  She fell back across the mat, then stepped off it, the lizard-man pursuing her, his yellow blade barely kept away by her green.  She found that her back was to a walll, so she dove sideways, coming to her feet in a roll that belied her usual clumsiness.  The lizard was already there, and again she fell back in the face of his relentless attacks.

She almost tripped on the mat.  She hopped backwards, then to the side, putting the training droid between herself and her attacker.  It turned towards the lizard and had gotten half of it's usual greeting out when the Trandoshan's sun-colored blade sliced it in half.

Marissa's eyes could not get wider, but they would've if they had been capable.  She parried another series of attacks.  This wasn't right.  She wasn't ready for live sparring.  She wasn't ready for an opponent of his skill, and while she was sure he was holding back, it wasn't enough for her to learn anything but how to run.  Wasn't he supposed to be teaching her?

Her blade clashed with his and she spun into another parry.

Why had he berated her so?  She couldn't help it that a lightsaber felt so clumsy in her hands!  He should be trying to help her fix that, not calling her names and terrorizing her with a full-power blade!

Three more attacks, blocked clumsily.

He had no call to be doing this!  No reason to be behaving in such a manner!  They'd made him a Jedi!

He attacked, she parried, she riposted.  He deflected it easily.  His eyes narrowed.  She attacked again.  And again.  She was yelling at him, she realized.  He parried her blows, she parried his, though not easily.  He did not retreat.

Neither did she.

Her attacks were fast and reckless now.  Her anger boiled.  She slashed for his body, his blade intercepted, twisted around, and her lightsaber was suddenly across the room.  The yellow blade was at her throat.

She realized, suddenly, that she had failed.  She'd gotten angry.  Too angry.  She had not maintained her calm.  She had not achieved the detachment required of a Jedi.  The lizard had been testing her, and she had not met his standards.

The Trandoshan stared at her.  There was the sudden hiss of a lightsaber shutting down.

"Excellent." He said, all trace of mockery gone from his voice.




*    *    *



"I don't understand."  She said.

"What do you not understand?"  The lizard asked.  They were at the very top of the highest tower of the Jedi temple.  The unending cityscape of Coruscant stretched out beneath them.  It was dusk.  Lights twinkled everywhere.

"I failed."  She asserted.  She slipped her arms into her robes. It was chilly. "I became angry, and I let my anger control my actions."

"Why did you become angry?"  He asked.

Marissa frowned.  Never had a teacher asked the why of her feelings.  Yoda, different from the other masters, had asked the what and the how but never the why.

"I..."  She swallowed.  "...you were being unfair."

The Trandoshan's eyes narrowed.

"You think your real adversaries will be fair?"

"No."  She blurted.  "But you were sent to help me, and you weren't doing that.  You mocked me, and then you bullied me.  I didn't learn anything from it."

"Didn't you?"  He grinned.

She didn't answer.

"You learned something.  Something I hadn't seen in you before.  Do you know what it was?"

"No."  She admitted.  "I don't."

"You're always quick to accept the judgement of a Master, always eager to please them, always assured that they're correct and you are wrong.  Did you feel that way with me?"

"No."  She whispered.

"If you wish to be a Jedi, Marissa Sune, you must stand up for yourself."

"Master Yoda...."

"Master Yoda's interpretation of the ancient teachings is quite conservative.  He believes all things come through the Force.  He is correct, but there is more to the universe than the Force.  There is more to a Jedi, than the Force."

Marissa gazed at the Trandoshan.

"That's..."

"Before you defend Master Yoda's teachings..."  The lizard warned.  "...remember that he did send me to you."

Marissa nodded.  They were silent for a few moments, watching the lights of Coruscant blaze and flash around them.

"My people are not suited for the life of a Jedi."  He began.  "We are hunters.  Our blood runs hot with the thought of prey.  We do not easily absorb the ways of peace and serenity."

She listened.

"But the Force speaks to all things, even predators, and I learned to listen.  The way I learned was not always in keeping with the teachings of the ancient masters."

Marissa opened her mouth, closed it again.  The Trandoshan looked at her.

"Speak.  Do not hesitate to say what you feel around me.  It is a sign of disrespect among my people."

She nodded once more, and, hesitantly, spoke.

"You said the Force spoke to predators...wouldn't that be the dark side?"

The Trandoshan chuckled.

"The dark side is not for predators."  He asserted. "It is for cowards.  For those who seek to dominate because they are afraid of death or failure if they do not.  I do not tolerate such weakness."

Marissa nodded.

"My views are controversial."  He admitted.  Marissa smiled.  He continued.  "Do you know what that means?"

She shook her head.

"It means that if you become my padawan, you will likely never be on the council.  You will be looked upon with suspicion by some within the order.  You may never attain the respect held by most Masters and you certainly will never become held up as an icon of what a Jedi is meant to be."

Marissa blinked.

"Are you...?"

"Yes."  He declared.  "I've been stalking you, Marissa Sune...on Master Yoda's request.  He believes that you have a heart closer to mine than his, that if you are to be trained as a Jedi, it will have to be by one who understands you."

He turned his reptillian gaze upon you.

"I've seen what happens when you become angry or frustrated when no one is looking.  I've seen your determination to win even the smallest spar with the training droid despite your difficulties with a lightsaber."

Despite herself, Marissa flushed.

"My anger..."

"...is a part of you.  As are all your feelings.  You allow their release.  That is not of the dark side.  Your anger does not control you, but as you showed earlier, when it has something to say, you can listen.  That is a lesson many Masters have yet to learn, but one those like us must learn early. I recognized it in you...you have the heart of a hunter.  That is something I understand."

"But as I said...accepting my teachings will have consequences."

Marissa nodded.

"I want to be a Jedi."  She declared.  "I don't want to be a Jedi because I wish to sit in the tower and discuss politics and philosiphy with the Council."

The Trandoshan both grinned and hissed.

"You find something unworthy in such pursuits?"

"No.  I just feel such pursuits would not suit me."

The lizard laughed, and clasped Marissa's shoulder with a scaly, three-fingered hand.

"Then I take you as my Padawan learner, Marissa Sune."  A thought seemed to occur to him.  "I am called Slask."

"I accept your teaching, Master Slask."  She said, completing the bond.

They were silent for some time after, standing on the pinnacle of the Jedi Towers and gazing out towards the horizon.




End
« Last Edit: June 02, 2005, 01:43:17 pm by Commander La'ra »
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Harmony
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2005, 01:15:35 pm »
Boo-Yaw!

You also remembered Slask's saber color. Excellent!

I enjoyed!
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Offline J. Carney

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Re: Harmony
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2005, 02:06:31 pm »
'Excellent', indeed! I like the idea of a slightly different take on the Jedi philosophy.

He's more feral, more natural. He seems to see the Force differently than we are used to because of his species' different culture. It adds a flavor to the character- and a very realistic one. Of course a different species would see the Force slightly different than a human- they are wired differently.

I can't wait to see how he develops.

The young girl seems to be a Mace Windo-ish character... someone full of emotion, yet able to control them and channel them rather than to allow those emotions to channel her. Again, a type of Jedi personality that we haven't seen a lot of, but would definately have to exist.

I like the characters, a lot.

The writing is, as always, wonderful. You can see what's happening- not just in words... your mind stops seeing the words and just makes pictures of what it reads. You're really good at writing stroies that resolve into images easier than most. It's what I like best about them.
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Offline Iceman

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Re: Harmony
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2005, 12:37:24 pm »
I agree with JC there, you're writing is a fantastic picture generation machine!

For the combat, I'd say you're doing pretty well. Nothing immediately pops out that stuck me as 'odd' or 'wrong' or some such.

If you take this story close to where I think it's going to go, you might want to start looking at some of the different stances the Jedi used (in the movies, and some of the EU books talk about it) and why.  It'd be a subtle nod to which direction your characters are going in. Just remember, the more specific you can be with the pictures the more your audience is going to see what you want, and the more vague it is, the more you're leaving the actions and motives up to the reader. That's all the advice I can really offer you.
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Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Harmony
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2005, 01:15:38 pm »
Thanks for the feedback, guys, I really appreciate it.  I've written non-ST stories before, and honestly, I'm less nervous about creations that are completely my own than I am about stepping into someone elses universe.  So I'm glad for the thumbs up from you guys on this story.

Slask is definitely more feral than your average Jedi.  I have ideas about how I want to develop his view of the Force, what he teaches Marissa, but it isn't fully formed yet.  I have a feeling he's gonna be interesting.  Marissa I already know fairly well...she's a version of a character I have player on Governor Ron'jar's Star Wars RPG campaign for a long time.  Slask was another creation of his, though his role in the game was limited...hope you're liking how I'm fleshing him out, Guv.:)

Iceman:  I know about the various lightsaber forms and I have access to KoTOR 2 and some of the d20 material that discusses them, but can you recommend any other sources?
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight

Offline Iceman

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Re: Harmony
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2005, 01:56:40 pm »
Not really, I don't know of any as I've never gone into it. I just thought it would be worthwhile, depending on how much you want your combat to be a reflection of character.  I think that in the films they use Ken-do (sp?) for combat, so you might check that out.  KOTOR2 is a great place to look, since you're in a similiar setting.
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Offline Lara

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Re: Harmony
« Reply #6 on: June 06, 2005, 06:29:44 pm »
I like it. You knew I would.

Offline Grim Reaper

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Re: Harmony
« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2005, 11:03:01 am »
I think it's a great start. It promisses much. I like him and I like your different view on the force. However, not many can control their anger... and I agree with Lucas that unrestraint anger can lead to hate and suffering. I wonder how you're going to balance that.

You'll be, well, to qoute Iron Maiden:
...living on the razors edge, balancing on the edge...
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Offline KOTH-KieranXC, Ret.

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Re: Harmony
« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2005, 01:06:03 am »
I like it, of course. We talked about it earlier, so you know why I like it, just thought I'd post a comment too. What an idea. ;D
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Offline Jaeih t`Radaik

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Re: Harmony
« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2005, 10:41:38 am »
Hi La'ra,

I'm not really one for the Star Wars universe. I do like the movies as entertainment, but think that the Force is fraught with "easy outs" of tough/impossible situaitons. Although the part of E-III where the clones soldiers turn on their Jedi leaders really did tug at my heart strings, afterwards I was able to think, at least the Jedi can be taken down.

I remember Praxis' SW/ST crossover story, and it was like the Jedi's were untouchable just because they had the Force. Not great storytelling, IMHO.

This, however, since it is a character peice and something new to my experience, I like it. All your character pieces adhere to the same high standard, La'ra, and it enriches all your stories to have these pieces in them.

Keep up the good work!
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Offline Governor Ronjar

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Re: Harmony
« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2005, 09:47:53 pm »
Few things get better than a good La'ra story. Now that he finishes them, anyway. ;)

No more than I used Slask in the RPG, he belongs to you. Just tossing in all the quirks we mentioned will get my jollies off.

Our lady Rihansu needs to play one of my SW RPG's some time. That'll remove all those silly ideas about 'easy outs' she has developed. Easy outs don't exist in a RogRPG! ;D

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Offline jack dalton

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Re: Harmony
« Reply #11 on: June 19, 2005, 10:44:42 pm »
Great work La'ra, I enjoyed it. Can't wait til the next installment. :D

Offline Commander La'ra

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Re: Harmony
« Reply #12 on: November 06, 2006, 01:36:30 am »
Bump!
"Dialogue from a play, Hamlet to Horatio: 'There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy.' Dialogue from a play written long before men took to the sky. There are more things in heaven and earth, and in the sky, than perhaps can be dreamt of. And somewhere in between heaven, the sky, the earth, lies the Twilight Zone."
                                                                 ---------Rod Serling, The Last Flight