An airlines manual report describing plane crash : "Involuntary conversion of a 727..."
True Story: At the Oceana, Va, Naval Air Station, I was training a young ground-crew member on how to direct an F-14 into the fuel pit. I glanced over to check wing clearance and, when looked back, discovered that he had taxied the aircraft too far forward from the fuel hose to reach.
"You'll have to send him around again," I informed the trainee.
"What?" he said, surprised. "They spend millions on these things and you can't put them in reverse?"
- AD2 John G. Rutgers -
C'MON BABY, CLIMB!
Paul Harvey's radio newscast told of an airline pilot in Arizona who rear-ended a car in front of him while driving home from work one night. He told the traffic court judge that it was late, he was tired, and when he saw the car ahead and realized he couldn't stop in time, he slammed on the gas and pulled back on the steering wheel, fully expecting to go up and over. Verdict: unknown.
AVFlash 2-28
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you. "Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.
James Stevens
Definition of jet lag : "finding your wallet in the refrigerator and not remembering what you did with the milk".
The Workplace Blunder of the Week
An airport security officer opened a suspicious looking box, licking his finger before dipping it into the powder and putting it in his mouth to taste. "Well, it's not a narcotic," he said, sure of himself. At that moment, a distraught elderly woman tottered along the aisle and asked the stewardess if she had happened to come across a small engraved casket. It apparently contained her husband's ashes.
Pierre, the French fighter pilot
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"
A practice flight for the Mattias Rust Memorial Invasion Squadron :
650,000 Cessna 172's carrying one 850lb bomb each, which will equal the bomb load of the entire fleet of B2s, for less than the cost of ONE B2!
Pilot: "Outer marker, inbound."
Tower: "Roger, cleared to land, winds 270 at 21, gusting 29, heavy rain, severe turbulence below 300, RVR 2,000 feet."
Pilot: "Roger--cleared to land--and oh, let us know if it gets any worse."
Tower: "WORSE?!"
In response to a controller remarking on the speed of his plane, the pilot replied "If Robert E. Lee had one of these, we'd need a visa to get into Pennsylvania".
In response to how he checked the weather,
"I just whip out my blue card with a hole in it and read what it says:
'When color of card matches colour of sky, FLY!'"
- Gordon Baxter -
Penguins
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game.
Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turnaround and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.
Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and over fly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.
Audobon Society Magazine
A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying,
and about flying when he's with a woman.
Parachutists are good to the last drop
(found on a bumper sticker from a parachute school!)
Little boy to airline pilot:
"You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting!"
Pilot:
"Not if I do it right."
Embarrassing
A guy takes a fellow pilot flying in his sea plane, and they decide to do a few approaches at the friend's airfield. At the last moment before touchdown the owner says,
"NOOOO, Go around, we've got floats remember?"
After an uneventfull landing at a nearby lake the owner, whilst getting out of the plane says :
"Thanks for reminding me, that could have been very embarrassing back there"
After which he stepped right into the lake...
May Day
This was overheard on the RAF Woodvale Approach frequency last summer, when a student was doing practice emergencies...
Student: MAYDAY, MAYDAY, MAYDAY, Uniform Alpha 2 Uh.. *Silence* Sorry... Practice Pan, Practice Pan, Practice Pan....
Another one I heard of,
A visiting four ship formation of American F-15's were visiting RAF Benson...
ATC to Lead F15: *Callsign* Turn deadside.
Lead F15: Uh... what's deadside?
Anonumous RAF Pilot : Break Left NOW!!!
My instructor on my first lesson,
Instructor: Now watch careful... stick backward *pulls stick back* trees get smaller see? Now... stick forward... *pushes stick forward* trees get bigger... and bigger... and bigger...
Having completed my first solo on Bulldogs, I taxied back to ATC to pick up my instructor, as he was watching me from the tower.
ATC: Uniform 45, can you confirm that you are behind the tower?
Instructor: Yes, Uniform 45.
ATC: Oh right, it's just we couldn't see you behind the buildings.
*Silence*
Instructor: Stealth...
What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.
Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The twin pilot blows the landing-collapses the nose gear and strikes the props; he gets out of the plane and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene: another twin, another blown landing--same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.
The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?" "Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ...
A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in all of his landings.
Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so much trouble during the day?"
The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you stiffen up, then I just pull back."
Need a Light?
Scene: Student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country.
Instructor : Turns down the panel lights, "OK, you've just lost your lights, what are you going to do?"
Student pulls out a flashlight.
Student : "I get out my flashlight."
Instructor grabs flashlight.
Instructor : "The batteries are dead, now what are you going to do?"
Student pulls out another flashlight.
Student : "I get out my other flashlight."
Instructor grabs next flashlight.
Instructor : "The bulb is burned out on this one, now what?"
Student pulls out yet a third flashlight.
Student : "I use this flashlight."
Instructor grabs this one too.
Instructor : "ALL your flashlights are dead. Now what?"
Student : "I use this glow stick."
Instructor : "Sighhhhhh, just fly the plane without any lights, OK?"
"Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch."
Story I heard when I was getting my private on Long Island: Local fellow working his way up had padded his lde the examiner was looking at the logbook and checking the totals.
"Nice plane, that N12345" says the examiner.
"Sure is," says the candidate.
"I don't suppose you know that I own that plane?" asked the examiner as he motioned out the window to where it was parked, just down the line.
If God had meant man to fly, He would have given him more money.
Did you hear about the duck who flew upside down? He quacked up.
Here is a joke that I read in a cartoon in magazine a while back.I can only paraphrase and the animation is helpful too, but:
Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the jet into a vertical climb. After a few seconds he got a call from the tower as follows, "Ghost 53Z, tower. Say heading," to which the pilot responded "Uh, up, sir."
The Pilot's Prayer
Oh controller, who sits in tower Hallowed be thy sector. Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done On the ground as they are in the air. Give us this day our radar vectors, And forgive us our TCA incursions (*). As we forgive those who cut us off on final. And lead us not into adverse weather, But deliver us our clearances. Roger.
What's the purpose of the propeller?
To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him sweat!
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."
Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this hereC-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
A friend of mine in my unit in Germany used to tell this story on himself and I thought it was hilarious. Seems he was flying an Army UH-1H, Huey, one day somewhere up around Chicago. As has happened to all of us, probably, atone time or another, he just couldn't seem to get his tongue coordinated at all and was fumble-tonguing everything he said.
Center asked him some simple question and his reply went something like this. "Uh, this is Army helichop...uh, helicopter 15789...uh 15987. We'd like to climb to... uh we'd like to descend to 5000 and then practice a shoot approach....uh shoot a practice ILS black course, uh, backcourse at Grandview Navy...uh, Glenview Navy..." He said that after finally getting the transmission completed, and feeling like a dang fool there was a short period of silence over the radio before someone (who he said you could tell was some Captain on a commercial airliner in the vicinity) came back with a very short comment of "Hire the handicapped". He said that he never felt so stupid.
Apparently the loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for a while. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was trans-mitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS:
LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!
Followed shortly afterward by:
ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"
RBL UA /OV RBL- RDD 360030/TM 1950/FLOTP/TP HXB/SK 018 OVC 115/RM SOLIDUNDERCAST N RDD/UNVFR. "DECIDED I`M TOO YOUNG TO GO OTP THIS" N BND TO SIY
I asked an ex-military friend who used to work in the Key West area, about the weakness of our Southern air-defense, and here is what he told me:
When the military got dragged into the War-On-Drugs, it came under much pressure from Washington to find a reliable method to determine which aircraft are carrying drugs. As a result, all of the human radar operators have been replaced by specially-trained, drug-sniffing dogs. Whenever the dog sees a new blip on the radar screen, he sniffs at it, and if he detects drugs, he barks, which alerts the supervisor (a human),who sounds the alarm.
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up tow here the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and continues on to the taxiway.
Here's another one from the wacky minds of our Military controllers at Namao. A bit of background is in order: CFB Edmonton (Namao) is a military field just outside of Edmonton. All aircraft touching down at Namao require a PPR(Prior Permission Request) number, and have to recite it to the controller at first contact. Our flying club is civilian/military, and all our aircraft have permanent PPR's.
One day, we were sitting around listening to the scanner, when a Tomahawk from a local flight school announced inbound for circuits. The controllers asked for the PPR no., and the pilot said they didn't know about one. We expected the aircraft to turn away, but the controller cleared them right-base for 29. We now pick up the audio from this momentous day:
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."
Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".
{Several more circuits later...}
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"
Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you planning on making?"
Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more."
Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing fees, and you're up to $13,000 now."
(LONG delay...)
Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"
(Another LONG delay!) Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement."
The tower was having some difficulty working a student pilot in the pattern and it finally came down to this;
TOWER: 95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D: 675, sir
TOWER: 95 Delta, Say Again
95D: I think it is 675.
TOWER: 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D: I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.
TOWER: 95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.
People unclear on the concept depth.
Just turned off the 10 O'Clock channel 9 news here in LA, a single engine plane (identified as Aero Commander) went down short of Burbank airport, both people on board survived. The Pilot was lucid as he was being cut out of the wreckage & said he ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock & was trying to make Burbank airport.
Remarking about the lack of fire, the Fire Marshall in charge of the rescue said, "They are just lucky there was no fuel on board".
My favorite ATC story involves an old-timer who would get rather excited when it got busy. It seemed as if he would think upzingers at home and use 'em at some convenient moment. Anyway,he's working USA553 westbound and is about to turn him over toCleveland...
Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6.
(pause)
Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6.
(pause)
Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife -- you never listen!
Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
I can do better!
A couple of TAC pilots were flying F-4s in escort with a B-52 bomber and were chinning with the pilot of the bomber to pass the time. Talk fell to the subject of the relative merits of their respective aircraft with the fighter pilots holding that their planes made for more interesting flying because of their maneuverability, acceleration and the like. The B-52 pilot replied "Yeah? Well this old girl can do a few tricks you guys can't even touch." Naturally, he was challenged to demonstrate. "Watch," he tells them.
After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says, "There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say, "What are you talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll, got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."
My primary instructor always told me that I fly like that famous Chinese pilot, Wan Wing Lo.
Topic: This is too funny! Thank you F16.net!!!! (Read 3206 times)