Here's one of my favorites:
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The Dead Dreadnought
by Ggruuk
Hawkeye: 'Ello. I wish to register a complaint.
(762 has his back to the register and does not respond.)
Hawkeye: 'Ello, Miss?
762: (turning around, very angry) What do you mean, "miss"?
Hawkeye: I'm sorry, I have a cold.
(762 nods, understanding.)
Hawkeye: I wish to make a complaint!
762: (hurriedly) Sorry, we're closin' for lunch...!
Hawkeye: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Fed DNH, what I torpedoed not half an hour ago in this very sector.
762: Oh yes, the, ah, the USS Yamoto... What's, ah... W-what's wrong with it?
Hawkeye: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. It's destroyed, that's what's wrong with it.
762: No, no, it's ah... it's resting.
Hawkeye: Look, matey, I know a dead Fed when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
762: No no, i-it's not dead, it's, it's restin'!
Hawkeye: Restin'?
762: Y-yeah, restin.' Remarkable ship, the USS Yamoto, isn't it, eh? Beautiful power curve!
Hawkeye: The power curve don't enter into it. It's stone dead!
762: Nononono, no, no! It's resting!
Hawkeye: All right then, if it's resting, I'll wake him up!
(phasoring the derelict)
'Ello, Feddie! Mister Fed Captain! I've got a lovely primitive culture for you if you wake up, Mr. Fed Captain...
(762 tractors the ship)
762: There, he moved!
Hawkeye: No, he didn't, that was you dragging the ship!
762: I never!!
Hawkeye: Yes, you did!
762: I never, never....
(Hawkeye hails the ship and screams into the comm. link.)
Hawkeye: 'ELLO FEDDDDIE! FED-EE! FEDDIE DREADNOUGHT! WAKE UP!
(He slams its hull against an asteroid, horribly hard.)
TESTIIIING! TESTIIIING! THIS IS YOUR NINE-O' CLOCK ALARM CALL!
(He does it again, harder.)
FED-EEEEEEE!
(He releases it near a black hole. Longish pause.)
Now that's what I call a dead ship.
762: No, no.... No, it's stunned.
Hawkeye: STUNNED?
762: Yeah! You stunned it, just as he was powerin' up! DNHs stun easily, major.
Hawkeye: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That dreadnought is definitely deceased, and when I fought it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long vaction.
762: Well, he's... he's, ah... probably pining for Earth.
(Hawkeye looks angrily back and forth, stuttering.)
Hawkeye: PININ' for EARTH? What kind of talk is that? Look, why did it float dead in space the moment I got it out of spacedock?
762: The DNH prefers driftin' on its back! Remarkable ship, isn't it, guv, eh? Lovely power curve!
Hawkeye: (coldly) Look, I took the liberty of examining that dreadnought when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been in that sector in the first place was that it had been TOWED there.
(pause)
762: Well, of course it was towed there! If I hadn't towed that ship, it would have accellerated up to the galactic border, shoved it way through with its little impulse engines, and VOOM!
Hawkeye: "VOOM?"
(Hawkeye tractors the DNH.)
Hawkeye: Look matey, this ship wouldn't "voom" if you put four thousand volts through it! It's bleedin' demised!
762: It's not! I-It's pining!
Hawkeye: It's not pinin,' it's passed on! This ship is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its maker! This is a late dreadnought! It's a stiff! Bereft of life, it rests in peace! If you hadn't towed him to that sector he would be rusting in a spacedock!
It's engineering processes are of interest only to historians! It's hopped the twig! It's shuffled off this mortal coil! It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This.... is an EX-DREADNOUGHT!
(pause)
762: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(He disappears behind the counter.)
Hawkeye: (turning to camera) If you want to get anything done in this game you've got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth.
(762 returns.)
762: Sorry guv, we're fresh out of dreadnoughts.
Hawkeye: I see. I see, I get the picture.
762: (quietly) I-I've got a Freighter.
(pause)
Hawkeye: (sweet as sugar) Does it have magic photons?
762: Yes!
Hawkeye: I’ll take it.
Topic: Another Blast from the Past :D (Read 2025 times)