Topic: I have a very important person in my life

[EE]

Her name is Beth, she helped me through the Sally situation and I thank her for it. She turned out to be the greatest person I have ever met in my life. She is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met, one of the most talented people I have ever met, one of the most energetic people I have ever met. We had been going together for about 3 months, she was supposed to leave for the army. The last month and a half has been hard, I work from 7:30pm-9am, she went to school from 9am to 9pm. we would see eachother maybe a hour a day, sometimes more if she could come to my work for my lunch, if she wasnt too tired.

During this time, my hours had been cut to 50 or so a week, which meant I was loosing roughly $600 a month. She had problems at her parents house so she came to live with me. During that time, my starter, alternator and distributor died, costing me nearly $900 in repairs. Add in supporting the both of us, it was draining. I would stay up as long as possible to make sure I could see her before school, if I got home in time. I would try and wake up for her lunch so I could see her at noon, knowing full well I may not be able to get back to sleep, because she meant that much to me.

She had asked to be my girlfriend several times but both times I said no, because I didnt want either of us to get hurt. She was supposed to leave for the military last tuesday. She would be gone for 3 months in basic, 2 years in Moneray at the DLANG Institute and then spending another 3 years serving in the army, god knows where. I didnt want her to get hurt but in my trying to protect her, I was selfish, because I did not realize how much that little title meant to her. In that time, of her going to school and my working, I had little energy for her and little money to go out and do anything with her. I said something, without thinking too much about it that really hurt her. I never intended to hurt her, my words were not with ill intent, I said the things I said because I cared so much for her. I wanted to be there, help her all those things. But I phrased the words in correctly, I got scared when she got angry and I didnt know what to say, how to explain myself. I pretty much pissed myself like a littel dog.

During the last 2 or so weeks, she had been sleeping on the couch, didnt know how I truly felt, thought we were still only friends, even though I know she has feelings, or had feelings for me. She had to have had feelings, otherwise she would not have gotten so upset that day when she didnt understand why I didnt want to be her girlfriend and started to cry. But now, she sleeping in my roommates room, he says that he loves her after a week and change. I dont know if she feels the same. A friendship with someone who was damned near my brother of 9 years is so close to coming to an end over this. I dont know if its spite, I dont think it is, she says its not. I dont know.

How did I find out you ask? I came home from work one night and she was not on the couch, I thought she was no longer angry, I open my bedroom door and she was not in my room, . I look and I dont see her keys, cell phone, purse or shoes but her car is outside. I assume that she spent the night with her friend so I sit down and play a bit of world of warcraft. A hour or so later, my roommates door opens, I look back and there he is and she is there. I was shocked, I knew not what to think. This is my friend, my brother of 9 years, there she is, no.. it could not be! 9 years of trust, I trust him, there isnt anything going on. I disbelieved.

A couple days later, i come home and she is asleep on the couch... Wheew, good. They both leave the same time for work and school so I think nothing of it. I decide its time to feed the cats, I walk over to feed them and I see them kiss. she walks off and he waits for his coworker to pick him up. She then comes back up because she forgot her phone and I confront her. She says that she is interested in him and she didnt know when a good time to tell me was. I told her that there was no good time and she agree'd and so I said, you should have just told me. That was a week ago last tuesday

I have not slept or ate much in the last week and a half. Since a week ago last wensday, I have slept maybe a total of 35 hours. I have been up since 10 tursday night, I have worked two nights of hard labor. I have barely eatten anything, I might weigh between 130-140 lbs, I look like crap. I cant sleep, this is tearing me up. I need to release and thats why I am writting this. This is my release incase she will not hear me and what I have to say...

The truth that is my soul

These are things that I have been wanting to say for a while now but was too scared to say. I wanted so much to overcome my fears but it was hard and god I tried. I know this is a little to much to late but I need to say it, I need to let you know. You deserve to know. I have held back too much and I was wrong to do so. I need to say this, I need to get all this off my chest, its eatting me up, its killing me to hold it all in. Its why I cant sleep, why I cant function I need to let it go, I hope you understand. I dont want you to be mad at me for doing this and I dont want you to leave. You are one of my best friends and you deserve to know what is in my soul, you let me know what was in yours and I was unfair to you to not return the trust.

I want you to know and reassure you that I will always be there for you. I promised that back in october and I wont break that promise. Understand that this letter that I am reading you is comprised of about 26 peices of paper that I wrote on while on my second break at work and while I worked. So much was coming into my head that it was hard to get it all down and some of it is still coming into my head so it may be a jumbled mess but its all 100 percent true.

I honestly didnt want you to go into the Army but I was willing to let you go because it was what you wanted to do and I was going to support you 100 percent on that. I secretly didnt want you to go into the army, in a way I had hoped you would not go because if you didnt make it I was going to ask you if you would be my girlfriend. The reason why I did not ask you before was because I did not want to hurt you. Its not that I didnt want to be with you, I really did and still do. Its that I didnt want you to leave hurt. I didnt want you to leave and I didnt want to get hurt. In my thinking of you, I was selfish. I now realize that our time would have meant so much more to you if I would have just said yes and you know what, I feel like a damned fool for not saying yes. I had hoped you would not go into the army so that I could spend my first ever Valintines Day with you. Unfortunatly I could not make any plans because I did not know if you were staying but I had a few idea's of things you would really enjoy.

When you asked me if I have ever imagined myself with you, I was truthful when I said no I had not but that was never a bad thing. In fact, I was glad that I was with you because I had found someone with a great personality, an awsome sense of humor and full of life, one quality I had not found in anyone else and something I have been looking for in someone. It was a good thing, A really good thing. No, I never imagined myself with you but I cant imagine myself without you. You were always good enough for me. In fact, I thought you were too good for me, that was something that scared me. I used to ask myself, " What does she see in me?", "Why me?" and " What is it that she sees?". I was never ashamed, I was proud I was with you. I wish I would have said yes when you asked to be my girlfriend long ago, it would have been much better to remember our time together when you left then in this way.

I wanted to be more in your life then just "Cuddle Buddies". The two months I spent with you were absolutly enjoyable. Thats the best way I can put it. I could not think of anything else I want more then to be able to spend time with you again, not even a WRX . I want to be happy again but with you beside me, like it was.

When I asked you about Marrage, I meant what I said, I wanted to help you. I care about you and I wanted to be with you, to be able to help you, to be in your life. You know the M word and me doesnt pair up but I had thought about it for a while and  I could see myself doing it. I wanted to be with you through the good and bad times. I wanted to be able to help you in any way possible. It was not through greed or any other things that I wanted to talk about it but because I care about you and I was willing to do anything nessary to be able to help you. I wanted to be able to make your life better, I wanted to be the one to keep you safe and when you worried, to be there and ease those worries. I wanted to be able to be there for you because I truly care about you and I wanted to be with you. I would go right now to vegas with you if I could.

I wish I was not such a pansy and was able to tell you how I really felt that night in my room but you were so angry at me. I am so sorry that I did not think things through more, choose better words, talk with you that first day you wanted to talk. What I did, how I phrased things, what I said and what I didnt do are totally unexceptable. I do want you to know I didnt mean to hurt you. It pained me so much to have you angry at me, it hurt me so much to have you sleeping on the couch when what I really wanted was you next to me. I wanted to apologize but the anger in your eyes hurt. You dont know how deeply sorry I am for what I did, even now, it hurts just thinking about it. I cant say sorry enough for what I did.


Things I miss about our relationship.

I miss sleeping next to you
I miss waking up next to you
I miss talking about our days
I miss making breakfast
I miss watching movies, laying next to you on the couch
I miss making dinner
I miss your coffee cake
I miss playing with the cats with you
I miss how you could always cheer me up
I miss watching you draw, you're a damned talented artist
I miss helping you through your hard times, being there with you and being able to comfort you
I miss you helping me through my hard times, you being there with me and being able to comfort me
I miss being with you through our good times
I miss your long hugs
I miss kissing you, you are the first person I have ever enjoyed kissing
I miss the anticipation of coming home from work to see you, I could not get home quick enough
I miss playing the word game with you on your computer, I miss Capt Scurvy
I miss just laying in bed with you doing nothing other then being together
I miss the compaionship
I miss our lunches, it was so worth it for me to wake up to spend yours with you
I miss the phone calls at my breaks at work, those helped me through the night
I miss your smell
I miss your stomach rubs
I miss sitting outside in the mornings/nights with coffee and just talking for hours on end
I miss driving through redlands, you showing me the sites.
I miss having another walk through Kimberly Crest with you, I really wanted to do that again.
I miss absolutly everything

I will find the energy to be what I should have been. Dont let my one mistake end the good times we have had and the good times we could continue having, I am sorry that I drove you away. I would do anything to have you back in my life. I want to ask for a second chance but I know that isnt possible, what is possible is asking for your forgiveness.

I have learned a few very important things from this.

Now is more important then later, Make time for those you care about, no matter how tired you are. You never know how much time is left

You cannot assume people know how you feel, you must tell them and show them and make it so blunt that it cannot be taken any other way. Trust is another thing, you cannot trust your good friends only part of the time and with information that cannot harm you, to show real trust you must trust them with your soul.

The one thing I hate, I hate waking up and turning over, expecting to see you and give you a hug or kiss and you not being there.

I would like to sit with you now and really talk, no holds barred, like we used to. I am completely open, I will tell you the truth and nothing but the truth, so help me. I want you to understand me again and I want to understand you. We deserve that much I think.

[IndyShark]

EE, if I may be so bold, show her this post. It can't hurt and she deserves to know the truth. You may have lost her, you may not.

Good luck my friend

[EE]

God I hope I have not. She is very special to me, I understand that now, perhaps because I feel I have lost her and maybe thats what it took and maybe its too late, I fear it is.

She says that she will leave if I bring it up again, never to speak to me again but I have to, I need to, I need to do this, to heal, to fix myself, to let her know everything and more. I want to do what I failed to do and yes, I am very afraid. I am shaking right now thinking about it. I am so scared but I must overcome it, I need to.

[Iceman]

You sound like me a couple months ago. Trust me you're doing the right thing. If I could do back and do something like this to let her know how I feel, I'd do it in a heartbeat. 

Even if she doesnt want to date you, don't let her walk out of your life.  She means this much to you, if being with your friend makes her happy, is that acceptable to you?


EDIT:

I take back whatever advice I may have given, because if I couldn't fix my own problems I can't possibly hope to help with yours. I'll gladly tell you how mine went do if you want though, send pm if you want.

[Clark Kent]

EE, I have doubts this will make you feel better, but think it shoudl be said anyway:
Your good friend "brother" of 9 years, as you put it, is no friend if he'd pull something like this.  She may be special as well, and by all means, share this post with her, let it all out, but if she'd shack up with your "brother" of 9 years and roommate, I wouldn't be able to trust her, personally.  You may have hurt her, but it sounds as if whatever you said to her is dwarfed by this betrayal.
Like I said, unpleasant, but I think these are important things to point out.  Forgiveness is divine, but forgetting is foolish.

[EE]

We talked.

I read the letter, even though I was nervous as hell. I had to have a bucket near me because I felt like I was going to puke several hours before she woke up. She cried a bit, I think she was a bit angry but when I asked her if she was, she said she was not sure yet. After all of it she said she was not angry.

What I saw from her, what she has said to me and her emotions do show differently then she said today. She said that we were just friends, with benifits. True, thats how it started out but her comments, her actions, her emotions showed differently. Perhaps that was how it was then but not now, I can accept that, she is still my friend. She said that while we were together her and my roommate would talk and she became interested in him. When she started having feelings for him she ended 'relations' with me, I respect that. Unfortunatly it was about the same time that she got angry at me at what I said. I asked her to promise me that if this situation ever arises again, never leave the other person, even if its a friend with benifits, thinking your angry with them, instead tell them what is going on, thats the only fair thing to do.

I should have known better getting involved with someone who is 22 years old at the age of 30. They dont know what they want really, hell I dont know what I want... for the most part. The situation has been resolved, I feel free again, though lonely because I dont have what I have become used to having over the last few months. Instead of having someone to talk to for the next 8 hours, as I wait for my bed time, while everyone else is asleep, I will be sitting here alone, bored and with nothing to do and no one to talk to. It will take some getting used to but I was able to do it before and I can do it again. She cares about him and I will respect that, as her friend and as his. The only information he had was that we were 'friends' and its true, I never let him know differently. I cant be angry at someone when the information they have is old. I did tell him we were just friends when we first hooked up but for me it became a bit more and I thought it was the same with her and perhaps it was the same at one point but it isnt now. I understand now.

She leaves for a week tomorrow, perhaps it will give me the space I need. She is trying to repair the relationship with her mother, she wants to move out from here, to ease the tensions here and I thanked her for that. Tomorrow night my roommate and I will sit down and talk, attempt to repair a 9 year friendship and then I will decide what I will do.

Today has not been a bad day, not the best of days but not a bad one, I have slept for 4 hours, only 4 because I need to sleep a normal sleep cycle which is 7am-3pm. I need to make sure I can get to sleep when I need to. Today has been a good day because she now understands what I felt, what I saw, how I feel and perhaps she has learned a thing or two as well, though I did not ask. Today has been a learning experince, the last few months have been a learning experince, it has gotten me closer to a few people in my life, kind of drove me away from a few but I think with a little talking, it could strengthen the friendships.

So much stress has been relieved now. The tension that was here is almost gone, I was able to sit down, talk with them and watch a movie with them where just a couple days ago, I could not look at them and I wanted to club him like a baby seal. I let her know that it still hurts to see her come from his room but in time that will fade and I need to cope with it. She looked sad when I said that. She promised that they would do no PDA around me and I said thanks.

We will see how tomorrows talk with my roomie goes, how this week goes and perhaps how this month goes.

one thing I found odd, she brought up something that she had brought up when we first got together, a pact we made, about a week ago. In 6 years time, or 2011, if either of us are not married we will marry each other. I wish I would have asked her about that before I promised to not bring it up anymore. I forgot to ask her about it and thats the one question I have that wont be answered any time soon.

at least I know one thing, one thing that boosted my ego far beyond anything ever could, but public isnt someplace to talk about that

[Iceman]

Glad you ended up happy with it. Hope I helped. 

[IndyShark]

EE, I am glad to hear you are feeling better. I know you are miserable, but at least you still have both of your friends and a promising future ahead of you. Last month, two of my friends passed away. One had cancer, and the other was totally unexpected. In fact, I was visiting him in the hospital to cheer him up when he passed away about 30 minutes before I arrived.

There are a lot of bad things that can happen to you in life, but death is truly the worst. You can't fix that. You can't tell people how you feel about them and how much you miss them when they are gone forever.

Best of luck to you whatever the future brings.

[EE]

I am not so much miserable so much as I dont know... bored, lonely etc.

I got so used to having her around when I got home, when I left for work, when I would sleep, lunches etc. before I got my job at P&R I pretty much lived at her moms house, spent all my waking time with her, 3 months of that and it changed so quick. As I said to a friend of mine who knows about the situation, its like I went cold turkey on companionship. When you get used to having someone around and all of a sudden they are gone, its a big change. I was so used to being alone in life, spending 14-16 hours a day working and sleeping, 5 days a week, seeing people maybe 1 day a week for a few hours if I even had the energy to get out of bed or the house. Then when she happened, I had someone who was around, someone I could talk to, someone to share stuff with besides sitting here on the weekends bored for  a vast majority of the time. Its been a big change and its not a easy one.

Its 8am, I should be asleep but my body shut down lastnight and I fell to sleep early, woke at 6am when I should have been going to sleep at this time. I am going to do my best to deal with a day of nothing to do because my body is still beat to crap. over the week, I have loaded well over 200,000 lbs onto carts and pallets and then loaded those, a majority by hand, into trucks while walking at least 70 miles in that time and barely eatting anything and getting about 15-20 hours of sleep during the week. I am still so exausted, I wake up and my body still shakes like it has gotten no rest.

I need to find something to do today, I am thinking about going down to the coffee shop, something I have not done in months and maybe seeing some people I have not seen in a while. I need to find the energy, even if I lack it.

[manitoba1073]

hey EE, that coffee shop idea is a good thing, dont let it stew, beleive me meet friends get out. it took me over 6 months to get back to normal habiits after i had kicked my then wife out. i was eating maybe 1 or 2 double cheese burgers ever 2-3 days. lost almost 50 lbs, and was a ghost for awhile. the sooner u get out the better chances of changing the situation. dont be like me, most of my habits r back now, the sleep, the eating, normal things. unforntuantely i still havent meet anyone to help the lonliness, and its been over 6 yrs now. so dont hesitate.  but dont fell sorry for me guys. when i close my eyes i still see her so its not a total loss. maybe ill get lucky soon i dont know. hell i cant even get the girls here to flash so i've lost a lot of that touch.    but hey. just get out do things get with friends. it will help. dont make the choice i've made.

[EE]

the talk with my roommate goes on tomorrow afternoon when I wake up. Tomorrow is going to be a interesting day. Depending on the talk depends on if I move or stay and if he dies and if we are still friends. I have had a bit of time to think about this and right now, I am very angry. Only two other things in my life  have upset me this much.

[Commander Maxillius]

given the atmosphere of this thread, I'm kinda wondering if you're joking about the "Depending on the talk depends on if I move or stay and if he dies and if we are still friends" part.  It seems like the world's against you now, but even though I can't give you a timeline on improvements, it will improve.  Just hang in there and don't do anything stupid.  Jail sucks

[KBF-Angel Slayer]

I've pretty much kept my pie hole shut on this so far, but you also need to remember one major thing you have said:  You nor she ever let your friend know that you two had been intimate, nor did you ever let him know that she was 'yours'.   Personally, she should have told him up front that she and you had something going on.
   You let her cost you a long friendship,especially over her failing to disclose it prior to your finding out that they were together, you are screwing up. 
   It isn't your friends fault.  You need to really think before you say or do anything stupid.

[EE]

acually it is his fault as well, he knew. I talked with him today and he said that he had talked to her one night when we got out of the shower, well, I was still in it but she had gotten out and she told him that we were together. He knew. Anyways, I will post more on what happened after I get some sleep, I have yet to sleep and have been up since 2pm yesterday, I need to try and get some sleep before work.

the talk went well, he understands my situation, I understand the situation that is with them and although I dont agree with it, I have no choice but to live with this as they are now because I cannot afford to get my own place with my current bills and car issues. I am stuck in misery.