The Talking Dog.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: "Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking to pretty
young things and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift.
In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms
with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be
eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any
younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport
to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious
characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of
medals. Had a wife, a mass of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the
dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Cause he's a farking liar. He's never done any of that stuff."
The Bookkeeper and the Lawyer..........
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for
ten million bucks. This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an
occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since
it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear
anything he'd ever have to
testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing
$10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the $10
million dollars is hidden? The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know
what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He
says he doesn't know what you're talking about." That's when the
Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple,
cocks it, and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the
underling: "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "Okay! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in
Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger."
Elmo
There is a factory in Wisconsin which makes the Tickle
Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under
the arm.
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory
and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.
The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel
Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line
throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and
the whole line is backing up, putting the entire
production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there
are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and
they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the
line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains
of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of
small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she
cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two
marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package
between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After
several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together
and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her,
barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday".
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles"our job is to give Elmo two test tickles"
The Preacher
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went to the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and
discussion,
they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded,so
would
his
paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation
decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was
much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional
children were costing the church. Finally, the Preacher got up and
spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back of the room, a little old lady stood up and in her frail
voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much, we
wear rubbers".
And the congregation said, "amen
Topic: Jokes (Read 859 times)