Deer Doc Laura,
I hears yer show lots, yer smart!
I gots a problum an needs yer hep. My woman is real uppity. She don' make me no pancakes nor sammiches. Tels me to doit myself. Won' have no more youngin's neither. Tels me to make her cawfee. I dunno nuttin 'bout that kichen stuff, gettin' reel hungry! Need mor youngin's too, 7 ain't enuf to keep the tater ranchin' goin'.
Whadda I do Doc? Hep me!
Cinserely,
Pig in a poke 'o trouble.
Dear Mr. Pig,
Thank you for the letter.
You certainly do have a problem on your hands, you weak pathetic worm! It is because of permissive idiots like you that our society is going to hell in a handbasket! If you had been following the teachings of the Talmud from the start (hang on, am I still Jewish? did I switch back to Christianity? if I did, replace Talmud with Bible) you wouldn't have this problem. Once she takes your hand in marriage she is your servant for life. She is bound by those holy vows to obey you! None of that Promise Keepers stuff either, she can wash her own damn feet!
Lucky for you I am here to tell you how to fix the problems brought about by your weakness. Go out to your pickup truck, dig through the stuff in the box and get a tow chain, a padlock and that trailer hitch you broke trying to steal an atm. Hammer the hitch into the kitchen floor until it sticks. Weld one end of the chain to the hitch. Put out the resulting fire. Wrap the other end of the chain around her ankle and lock it snug. Now she is stuck in a proper woman's enviroment, soon enough instincts will kick in and she will perform her duties.
Oh, if you aren't married, forget it, you are going to hell anyway.
Good luck and best wishes,
Dr. Laura Schlessinger
P.S. Be sure to buy my latest best seller: How to live the perfect life, as told by a bitter old shrew!
Topic: Likkerpig as Santa.......Look if you dare (Read 2277 times)