A charter bus with the picture of the grinning face of a Siberian Tiger and the words ?J?inn?s Clubhouse Tours? emblazoned on the side pulls into a sleepy suburban neighboorhood somewhere in <lord help me> Ohio. It come to a stop in front of a nice split level house. On the mailbox is the words:
Hooch Family
Alliance HQ
J?inn strolls out followed by the tourists. He looks around. Manicured lawn. A Toyota Camry and a minivan in the driveway. The neighboorhood kids screaming and yelling and trying to commit suicide with their Big Wheels.
?Hmm so this is what hell is like? J?inn mumbles.
On the back of the minivan is a few bumper sticker.
?If you are close enough to read this I?ll photon your asre!?
-and-
?I love bald men with deep theatrical voices??
-and sadly-
?Drones are my friends?
Suddenly J?inn hears a hissing sound. He spins around to see Chuut standing across the street carrying a picket sign that reads ?J?inn?s a Restarting Bastard!!? Oddly, none of the neighborhood kids seem to be afraid of the large bipedal feline warrior holding the picket sign. A passing soccer mom, jogging by in tight bike shorts that she secret hopes every passing male driver stares at, growls ?Damn liberals. Always protesting something.?
*****************
Doctor: It seems a lot of people were mad at you J?inn.
J?inn: Yeah yeah. Meow Meow. It comes with the territory.
Doctor: Come now, it must get to you.
J?inn: How much are you charging an hour?
Doctor: $200.00
J?inn: Then shaddup and let me finish!
Doctor: I sense anger issues here.
J?inn: For $200.00 I should get to nail the receptionist!
Doctor: Well being a <ahem> Yenti. Can you actually . . .
J?inn: It?s KZINTI!!! And yes it all works fine. Here look!! <starts to stand up>
Doctor: I BELIEVE YOU!!! SIT DOWN!!! <grabs hold of baseball bat>
J?inn: The women like the fur . . .
Doctor: J?inn you don?t have fur. You?re human.
J?inn: HEY DON?T GET INSULTING!!
Doctor: <sigh>
J?inn Anywho . . . where was I?
*****************
So the tour group takes some pictures of Chuut who is now singing a lovely rendition of ?We Shall Over Come? while J?inn goes to knock on the door.
Voice from behind door: YES I PRAYED TODAY!!
J?inn: Erm, that?s nice. But ummm.
Voice: I don?t want any encylcopedias!
J?inn: Ummmm. I?m not selling anything. It?s me, J?inn. I have the tour group.
Voice: Honey!! It?s J?inn!! Hide the girls upstairs!!
J?inn: Hooch!! Open up!! Sheesh!!
Hooch: <opens door> Come on in buddy. Would you like some lemonade?
J?inn: Nah, thanks, just let the group watch you guys for a while.
Hooch: Have them all take off their shoes. And make sure if they sit down they only sit on the plastic furnature covers.
J?inn: <sigh>
So J?inn and the group go into the Conference Room where the Alliance players are sitting. There seems to be a class in session.
Max Power: Okay Federation players. Hydran is easy. First you need to envision your superiority.
Grim: Wha?
762: Yes, close your eyes and consider the sound of one hand clapping in the woods.
JB: Erm . . . Where are the photons?
Die Hard: )&$_*(&#&*(_#&*(*# p()#&*(#&*(_#(_*&# _*)&#_*#*()# i Gotta TAKE A LEAK.
Hooch: <Grabs Die Hard and drags him to the bathroom>
Bearslayer: Okay, now lets talk fighters. They are easy. You tell them what to do and they do it. Unless it is a Friday of course.
Green: Friday?
Max Power: <sigh>
762: <sigh>
Bearslayer: <sigh> Yes, ?everyone? knows that fighters do the exact opposite on Fridays.
Grim: Wha??
<from bathroom> Die Hard: *(&$*&$&*&$ the ()*&#(*)#&( toilet seat is down )(&9878939873 now what do I (*#&(*#&&# do??
Hooch: RAISE IT!! FOR THE LOVE OF CUTE BUNNIES!! RAISE IT FIRST!!
Die Hard: It?s *(&$*($ furry. It reminds me of this biatch I knew . . .
Hooch: DIE HARD!!! MY WIFE WILL HEAR YOU!!! It?s a furry toilet seat cover!
Die Hard: Is she furry?
Hooch: GRRRRRRRRR!!! Did you raise the seat?
Die Hard: I guess so.
Hooch: <ack>
Max Power: Then of course there is the power curve Sunday afternoon interplay.
762: Yes of course.
Father Ted: Wha? Where are the photons.
Hooch: Screw photons! Where are my drones!!!
Green: Ooooooohh <drooolll> drones.
Max Power: No drones. No photons.
<Entire Class> : WTF!!!!
Hooch: Language!!
Die Hard: <running into room> Did I hear no )*^$*&)$*)&$* photons!!??
Hooch: LANGUAGE!!! And did I NOT hear a flushing sound.
Die Hard: Flush?
Hooch: Grrr. <gets up and goes into bathroom>
Grim: How the hell can I kill anything with these ships?
Hooch: <from bathroom> OH DEAR LORD!! WHAT DID YOU DO IN HERE!!!
Die Hard: <snicker>
Hooch: The flowers are wilted!!
Die Hard: What kind of man has live flowers in his bathroom?
Hooch: THEY WERE PLASTIC!!
Green: Yikes!
Max Power: <pounding desk> Listen up!! We are trying to teach you how to kill Klingons here.
Kroma: Does my arse look fat in this?
Hooch: <mumbling> Though I walk through the valley of death . . .
J?inn: Hey, where is all the SSCF?
Hooch: Don?t ask Restart Boy.
J?inn: Uh oh.
Kroma: Hmm. This tutu is too too tight I think. It?s hard to move and Rollo is constricted. <starts adjusting himself>
<class>: STOP THAT!!
Kroma: Fine. Well I won?t be able to dance in this thing. I?ll have to starcastle.
<class>: Hmmmmm. <light bulbs over heads>
J?inn: Alright. Where are the SSCF?
Hooch: <Points at window>
<J?inn walks over to the window and looks out into the back yard. There he sees a steel stroage shead with the words ?LDR HQ? printed on the sides. The entire SSCF (except Hooch) is outside standing around a stuffed pinata that looks vaguely like a Polar Kzinti that is hanging from it?s neck from a tree. Each of the SSCF players are tking turns hitting it with a large stick>
J?inn: Uh oh.
Hooch: Yeah, well Mr. Restart Boy. They ain?t too happy with you.
J?inn: <looks out again to see a small Lyran jump up on the shoulders of the puppet and starts beating the hell out of it with a stick>
J?inn: <yells out window> Hexx!! Stop that!!!
762: <eyes glaze over> Hexx . . . Must . . . Kill . . . Hexx . . .
Hexx: I TOLD YOU SO!!! YOU DIDN?T LISTEN!!!
SSCF: BOOOOOOOOOO!!!! <start throwing rocks at J?inn>
J?inn: <ducks behind window> Yikes!!
Die Hard: <comes over to window> Hey, Kimmy has a pair of gardening shears.
J?inn: Wha? <stands back up>
<Kim pulls down the pants of the pinata>
Die Hard: Hey J?inn!! It?s *(&$&$*&$^ anatomically correct!!
J?inn: Is not!! I?m much more manly than that! And . . . HEY WHAT IS SHE DOING WITH THOSE SHEARS!!
<SNIP>
J?inn: <covers crotch instinctively> Oh that was uncalled for!!
Die Hard: Dude she cut off your *(&^#*&#^ nads!!
Hooch: LANGUAGE!!
J?inn: <sigh>
SSCF: <from the yard> BURN HIM BURN HIM BURN HIM!!
Max Power: Alright fine!! Forget the Tuesday targeting issues!
Class: Wha?
Hooch?s Wife: <from upstairs> Hooch!! Those people in the backyard have started a fire!!
Hooch: Oh dear lord.
<suddenly a large crash is heard from the backyard. Everyone runs to the window. In the yard they see an amazing sight. A large batter Biscayne has crashed through the backyard fence and Firesoul and Halo are chasing Hexx around the yard with large pointy sticks in their hands>
Hooch: <screaming> MY PETUNIAS!!!
*********
Doctor: Sounds chaotic.
J?inn: Oh you should have been there when Hooch?s wife came downstairs. Now that! Was chaotic. I think Hooch is still in the hospital. <snicker>
Doctor: So is that when you snapped?
J?inn: Not yet. But close. For you see a few days later I went back tot he Alliance Clubhouse to meet with Kroma and . . . . .
*************
J?inn: Thank goodness that campaign is over.
Kroma: Someone called me a twat. <sniff>
J?inn: Yeah yeah. So, where all the money?
Kroma: Money?
J?inn: Yeah yeah. You know. The pay for play money. We should be rich.
Kroma: Pay for Play . . . I though you were joking about that.
J?inn: Joking!!! I never joke about profit!! Now where is the (*&$*(&$&*($& money!!!
Kroma: Seriously J?inn. I thought you were joking . . . We played for free . . .
*****************
J?inn: AND THAT DOC!!! Is when I snapped.
Doctor: <sigh> You mean you thoguht all the rest of this was okay and it was just the money that caused you to snap?
J?inn: Just the money?? JUST THE MONEY?? It?s never JUST THE MONEY!!!
Doctor: Calm down.
J?inn: I?m so stressed my fur is failing out.
Doctor: J?inn you don?t have fur.
J?inn: You?re just jealous.
Doctor: <sigh> Please J?inn. Take the pills.
J?inn: Can I nail the receptionist then?
Doctor: No! Oh and I should tell you about the sexual side effects.
<heard out on the street outside the office> J?inn: I AIN?T TAKING THOSE *#^&*(##^ PILLS THEN!!!