Topic: I'm curious (Read 12236 times)

Clark Kent · « **on:** May 19, 2004, 12:57:42 am »

How many of you wake up in the morning wishing you ahdn't,e very day? I've been dealing with serious depression for along time now, and I've reached a point where nothing seems to help anymore.The one person that I felt I could trust and wanted min my life mroe than anything abandoned me over a year ago and made it clear she never wanted anything to do with me again. Everywhere I go I'm an outsider loking in, and I don't even remember anymore how to act in a group so that I can get along with others because I've been isolated so long.
When I was in the army, I was so alone that on my birhtdays I would go to dairyqueen, buy an icecream cake, and after being turned down after offering a piece of it to everyone I could find, I'd sit alone in my room, blow out a lit match I placed on the cake and sit in silence eating it alone in the dark.
My social skills are so poor, in fact, that I can't even hold down a job that puts me in near isolation all the time.
These days it feels like part of me is missing, but not just a small part. It's like part of me was ripped away, and there's not enough of me left to function anymore.
If you don't mind, i'd rather not get the "ther are other fish in the sea" speeches, or "it'll all get better" stuff. I've heard it before too many times, and it never works out that way. I've accepted the fact that I lack the ability to make a real friend in this life, aside possibly fromt he imaginary ones I find on the internet, and this is how my life is going to be, which is alright I guess, since I've reached my max on heartache from the people that get tired of me. I'm just curious as to how alone I am in feeling like this.

CK

Stormbringer · « **Reply #1 on:** May 19, 2004, 01:10:58 am »

My depression though not as severe as you describe hampers my ability to enjoy life as well. I think you should consider getting help from a doctor. Depression can not only be lethal in the short term but destroys health in the long run. Modern psychotropic medication is nothing to fear and can help immensely as can therapy addressing your social symptoms. both together or either alone can help. you can get better and learn to enjoy life and rediscover your social life. Doing nothing will merely keep you miserable. Please see a doctor. you will be glad if you do in time. no one deserves to be miserable for life. you deserve to get better.

Sethan · « **Reply #2 on:** May 19, 2004, 01:16:39 am »

Storm is right - and dealing with the depression might help other areas of your life as well. When you are severely depressed, it shows - and it affects the way people deal with you socially.

Stormbringer · « **Reply #3 on:** May 19, 2004, 01:25:59 am »

Also since he mentioned it occured in the army he may be able to submit a claim and get approved for VA paid treatment. It will take longer since he is out but it has been done before. I'm not an expert on it but he can get help figuring out how to do that.

J. Carney · « **Reply #4 on:** May 19, 2004, 04:35:12 am »

The fact that I'm posting this reply at 0408 CDT should give you a hint of my social life at this point. I haven't had a real date in five years do to one circumstance or another (Basic, deployment, ect). My first attempt back in the dating game ended on the second date- her excuse for cutting it off "you're too quiet." I have definately felt somewhat like you discribe- though not to the degree you say you are experiencing.

These feelings having gone on as long as you say the have, I really would seek help. Storm is right- you diserve better than to feel down all the time. I'd also definately try to seek compensation from the VA. If you worked for the government, it is only right and proper that it work for you as well.

Monty · « **Reply #5 on:** May 19, 2004, 06:02:42 am »

Depression is one of those hard to quantify things in life.

The problem is that it is rarely talked about and people are afraid of being rejected or shunned.

I was told by my girlfriend not too long ago (we've had a good relationship for well over a year now) that she suffered pretty badly from this.

I could see the very visible fear of rejection in her face as I considered what she had just told me.

I told her that knowing this didn't and wouldn't change anything. It doesn't change what I think of her, it didn't change how I act towards her. It was the truth. Talking about things like this fosters understanding. I think this is important.

I could see the very visible relief in her posture and hear it in her voice.

I suppose my point is this:

Depression is an illness. But it doens't make you any less 'normal'. No one is perfect.

Scott Allen Abfalter · « **Reply #6 on:** May 19, 2004, 09:14:06 am »

Since no one has mentioned it directly:

Have you considered that there could be a medical basis for this depression instead of just personal/situational?

There are many, many people in the world who suffer from depression symptoms because of brain chemistry --something that is out of their control. These are sometimes treatable by anti-depressants.

Unfortunately, society has an old stigma against "mental disorders" and many people suffer through this needlessly because they are afraid to seek help. But, in these cases, there is nothing different from taking a pill to counter this medically caused depression as compared to taking a pill to treat any other physical symptom.

Not all cases of depression have a medical basis; but some do. If you are suffering badly, and your post sounds as if you are, then I would urge you to see if this is the case with you.

One small caution: anti-depressants are often over-prescribed so I would go to a doctor in whom you trust their judgement --one who will decide whether you really need one or not. They are relatively safe drugs and so it would not hurt to even go on a trial run to see if they help in your case.

TalonClaw · « **Reply #7 on:** May 19, 2004, 09:44:02 am »

Definitely go see a doctor. Way back when I caught my wife cheating and almost divorced I went into a very deep depression that almost cost me my job. I went to a doctor and got on some anti-depressants for a few months. That and having SFC as a diversion helped tremendously. Now I'm fine. You need to focus on taking care of yourself man. Everything else will work out once you take care of yourself.

Sirgod · « **Reply #8 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:21:27 am »

They all speak the truth here About Seeing a Doctor Bro. Depression can be a very Serious Problem with Long range effects. Ignoring It , is not the answer.

as far as Social Skills, I've never noticed anything out of line from you here on these Boards, But then again, this isn't A true Example of real life either. Of course, I am always willing to talk, and do what I can for you or anyone.

Stephen

Iceman · « **Reply #9 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:27:22 am »

I may not be any kind of expect on depression, but I can say this.

The people on these boards are not imaginary friends by any stretch. They help each other in very real ways. Trust them (us, we, they, whatever). Living in different parts of the world can not seperate people, because we won't let it.

Clark Kent · « **Reply #10 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:30:24 am »

Thanks for all of the replies, I appreciate. i woke up this morning regretting posting this. Typically I don't talk about this to anyone (one exception, but I'll get to that) because I've been told and taught that no one wants to hear it or have anything to do with it.
I have been seeking medical help since before I left the Army, and do have a VA disability rating for this. I've been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist at the VA up here since a couple months after leaving the Army. I've been on St. John's wart, to Celexa to prozac and now Nefazadone, plus some stuff to help me get to sleep at night. The Nefazadone has been a great help, since I don't have nearly as many nightmares as I used to. Like I said though, I've reached a stalemate in the depression battle. the urge to be around others has been waning, more than ever in the past, and I've sunk much deeper than I have before. The only solution I see is to up my medication dosage, but while medication has help, it's had a cost, so I'm reluctant to do that.

CK

Confused?? · « **Reply #11 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:35:29 am »

I had depression. I was much like you are now, and as a result I dropped out of college. After accepting I had something wrong I went to a doctor. He told me that I should go on anti-depressants(Lustrol), he said that 10% of people never get off them and about the same amount have recuring symptoms throughout life. I set my self good goals and was on them for 4 months when the standard is 6 months. My goal was to work abroad, and 5 months after starting treatment I was working in Spain.

Over the last few years I have had what I call "dips" in mood etc, and I get myself out of them by thinking of what life was like when ill. I am now back on track after having a good relationship (now finished because she was ill and needed time to herslf to recover) and in September I enter University as a mature student (22yrs old) doing a degree in Archaeology.

This is a genuine illness which can for a number of reasons. So I would advise a visit to you're doctor. A course of medication coupled with counsilling will do you wonders, but do it before you fail at school because it could take years to get back on track.
I wish you all the best in school and for health.

LongTooth · « **Reply #12 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:50:32 am »

I know this is going to sound stupid but what about getting a pet?
Dogs are great (as any dog owner can tell you ) it will give you something to focus on and will become part of your life it could help

Clark Kent · « **Reply #13 on:** May 19, 2004, 11:04:55 am »

Quote:

I know this is going to sound stupid but what about getting a pet?
Dogs are great (as any dog owner can tell you ) it will give you something to focus on and will become part of your life it could help

I have a kitten that will be ready to take home in hopefully less than 3 weeks. Can't wait for the little bastard.

CK

Likkerpig · « **Reply #14 on:** May 19, 2004, 11:32:10 am »

My experiences are almost a mirror image of yours CK. Unfortunately when I got out of the Canadian army I was not intitled to any benifits. The med costs come out of my own pocket, when work is slim I go without.
There are some great posts here, good advice and knowing you are not the only one suffering.
Being on meds can suck, but in my experience not being on them is far worse.
Hope things look up for you.

TheShadow · « **Reply #15 on:** May 19, 2004, 11:46:02 am »

What about family? I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression when I was a teen. Nothing helped. When I was in my early 20's I was diagnosed as having Agoraphobia with depression. I have taken almost every drug you can think of. I self-medicated with alchohol most of my life which got me into more trouble than I would care to go into to. I was homeless for awhile. I had sex with any woman that was willing and I was drunk almost every time. My girlfriend that stuck by me through everything, including the cheating, I eventually drove away. It was a self-defeating cycle where I believed that noone cared about me and I seemed to do everything in my power to drive everyone away. Ive gone for days without eating or sleeping with a gun in my hand trying to decide whether life was worth living or if things would be better for all concerned if I scattered my brains all over the wall. Things change though. Life is definately worth living. Every day I wake up means a chance. A chance to improve my life. If you are dead, then there are no more chances and you have wasted the most precious gift you have. Life.

Through everything there was only one person that never gave up. My mother. She was the one that helped me turn things around. She gave me a place to live, found me a job, and showed me that there was someone that truly cared. She sat with me through DT's, vomit, hallucinations, and pissing/crapping on myself. It wasnt easy. I managed to pull my life together through hard work and determination.

Like the other guys have said, get some help. Call a doctor, join a support group. You'll find that there are more people in the same situation as you than you think. They can lend support and help you get through the rough patches. It will also help you with your social skills. Believe me, things will get better. I'll be praying for you CK.

Clark Kent · « **Reply #16 on:** May 19, 2004, 12:11:22 pm »

I have a rifle that was a gift that now sits in the back of my closet because I'm not sure I can trust myself to mess with it. I probably wouldn't do anything though. My mindset is that there would be no point to suicide, because I'm tired of trying to make things better or wait for them to improve. The point of suicide is to end it all, but thanks to my beliefs, I can't subscribe to the thought that death would be the end. I could go into it deeper, but death isn't what I want, I'd just like to cease to be. But that's not an option, so I'm stuck. Faith bites.
Family is not an option. My family has made it expressely clear that they don't want to hear about my problems and will do anything from change the subject to ignore me to outright telling me my problems are not theirs and they don't want the misery of dealing with my problems. they'll provide physical help- food etc if I really need it, but that's as far as they'll go.
I'm glad you managed to work through your issues, and I hope your life contines to go well for you.
Likkerpig, thanks for the words. Sounds like you have alot of guts to stick things out like you have. Meds are a constant source of contemplation for me.It's a trade off to be sure, and I still don't know that I'm comfortable with the cost of that trade.

CK

TalonClaw · « **Reply #17 on:** May 19, 2004, 12:15:46 pm »

Try re-newing ties with old friends. Make new friends. Get out there.
Moping around the house is not good. Get out and get some air. Go to the park and walk. Who knows you might meet someone especially if you take that cute little cat for a walk.

I know you don't want to hear this but get over her. It's not worth it. You will find love again if you have a good heart.

Put the past behind you and move on.

Stormbringer · « **Reply #18 on:** May 19, 2004, 12:28:59 pm »

The newer meds of which I spoke are not as heavy handed as the old ones. They do not affect as many other areas as the old ones and are more targeted to just the depression. Your doctors may not have tried them yet for various reasons. But you should be aware that they are out there. I've read on the meds issues a bit but my condition is not so severe that I have had to use them. So I can only tell you what I've read in articles. I would not take the old ones but would be less reluctant about the new ones.

Remember the stuff about PT? How it relieves stress and releases serotonin and other endorphines? It's true. Try physical activity and acquire hobbies that require you to move around. Even Gardening. Get out doors get some sun. make your skin produce vitamin D. It helps (getting active outdoors). I know this from experience, though you might feel unmotivated and have to literally force yourself at first. And a horrible thing about depression is how it robs you of motivation and will which are central to getting better.

It robs the will, dampens positive emotions and amplifies the negative ones and thus it is self sustaining unless you break the cycle.

Stormbringer · « **Reply #21 on:** May 19, 2004, 01:25:34 pm »

I hesitate to mention it because I'm not sure I'd ever submit to it but as a last resort ECT is still used and it does work but (shudder)... They use it when all meds fail and the person cannot live normal life due to his condition. If you have tried all drug treatments and other therapy and docs concur that it's not working then there is still electroconvulsive therapy. Yes, it is still used. Because apparently it does work where all else has failed. But I'd seriously try to make the other options work first.

Confused?? · « **Reply #24 on:** May 19, 2004, 06:14:54 pm »

I understand the difficulties you are going through, even after being well for about 4 years my social life is still not great. All my friends from before are gone, but I have made new ones who are there when I need them but understand that I find it hard to get into the swing of things becuase of my illness.

The thing is that if you actively look for new people, it can come across as you being desperate for other people and as a result frighten them away. You said that you're faith does not allow you do end things (thankfully) so have you gone to church and maybe got help from within that community? My ex who suffered the same thing and an eating disorder, is making a great recovery thanks to medication, counsilling and by attending church with her father every sunday. Her belief I think is also helping her. This is a difficult illness to beat and it is hard to remain positive, but it is a condition which has physical effects. You're brain chemistry is at fault and there is not enough of a particular chemical so it creates the effects that you are feeling. Exercise can help but it must be combined with other treatments, and as is said above modern medication is not as aggressive as the older types. You may have to try a number of types until you find one that suits you, my ex tried four different types of anti-depressant before she started to get well, but now she is on her way.

I would advise you see a doctor, and if you are at school or college then maybe a visit to a staff physciatrist counciller. It will be a difficult recovery, but along with those people you have and family you have members of this board. You said you're family is willing to help you physically, so once you begin a solid treatment i'm sure they will gather round to help you more than they currently are.
Either way good luck and get well.

TheShadow · « **Reply #25 on:** May 19, 2004, 06:54:49 pm »

It was just "issues" for me. I was at a point that I didnt give a shiite what happened to me. Have you ever been so drunk that you lost an entire month? Have you ever woke up covered in your own blood and not remember what happened? Have you ever been admitted to a hospital dehydrated and nearly starved to death?

Clark Kent · « **Reply #26 on:** May 19, 2004, 07:04:52 pm »

I can't say I've ever been through those things. There was a month, though, in the army where my NCO refused to allow me and a buddy any MREs or any time to get meals when they were available. We lived off of those big slatines crackers and day old pudding after raiding the mess tent in the middle of the night when no one was around. I stopped drinking when I went into the army, knowing i could fall into the traps you mentioned.
You got more fortitude than me,

CK

TheShadow · « **Reply #27 on:** May 20, 2004, 12:13:31 am »

Thats just it. I dont. Well at the time I didnt think I did. No matter how low you think you are, there are those that have been in worse and survived. There is help out there bro. You just gotta make the first move. If one program doesnt help then find another. It is worth it. The guys on this forum have been through some bad shiite. We'll do what we can to lend support. I know that inside you is the power to overcome this. When my life was at its most difficult I didnt think I had it in me to survive, let alone change. If it was within me to do it, it is within you as well. Faith can move mountains. You just have to put it to work for you. Keep the faith!

Dogmatix! · « **Reply #30 on:** May 20, 2004, 12:56:04 pm »

Nice post, Corbo...and I totally see that in you from what that little that I've been about to discern via my interactions with you online. Your post also helps explain a few things.

For my part, I come from a pretty loving family that looks out for each other, but that hasn't precluded me from having my own problems with what I think is actual depression and I know I do have certain fears and issues associated with confrontation and shyness. These have served to hold me back in my personal and professional life. Let's just say I'm a hell of a lot more outgoing in these fora than I am in real life.

Interesting thread.

Scott Allen Abfalter · « **Reply #31 on:** May 20, 2004, 02:55:52 pm »

I think his advice is good for basically anybody...

JMM · « **Reply #32 on:** May 21, 2004, 11:32:35 am »

Nobody is tired of you Clark, that is part of why we are here, to help others with life, and life can be so difficult at times.

You are a veteran, therefore you are entitled to care at a VA center. Do you have a nice one near you? If not then we need to get you into a dom facility. There you will get the health care and support that you need. I've been lonely before, I know how severe depression can affect you. I also know what it is like to not want to be around large groups of people. For some reason that condition affects vets more than any other segment of American society. Look for a VA center that is good (I highly recommend Temple, Waco, TX or Oklahoma City (Steve can tell us if they have a dom there). If worse comes to worse, we will get you to Austin and you can stay at my ex-wife's apt. maybe until you get admitted to the dom in Temple, TX. Whatever you decide, let us know ASAP. Being an ex-lush and having tried to commit suicide so that I would never be a burden on others, I can tell you from personal experience that those two options are NOT an option.

You need changes in your life amigo, and you need to act upon it soon. Let us know and NEVER be afraid to ask for help, be it from us or from VA or whomever.

EE · « **Reply #33 on:** May 21, 2004, 12:06:26 pm »

Just remember Clark, your impervious to bullets and that kitten depends on you.

I would write more but I am in a serious hurry right now. take care of yourself man, we all would miss ya here.

Clark Kent · « **Reply #34 on:** May 21, 2004, 12:06:56 pm »

Thanks JMM, I really appreciate it. As it stands, i'm way up in MN, just starting to go back to school this week, so I'm kinda stuck up here for the time being. I visit the VA med center in a city called St cloud, and they treat me pretty good up there. My biggest problem right now is that I made the mistake of moving back in with my parents,a nd with no job right now, I'm without the ability to find a place of my own again. Like I mentioned before, they'll help me on the most basic things in life, but other than that they don't want anything to do with me.
BTW, what is a dom?
Thanks,

CK

Stormbringer · « **Reply #35 on:** May 21, 2004, 12:13:21 pm »

I t is a kind of halfway house where vets with problems and no homes can stay for a while until they can get a job and make it on thier own. But it is also a treatment center for those who don't have it quite that bad.

JMM · « **Reply #37 on:** May 22, 2004, 12:13:42 pm »

Domicillary, it is a very nice building behind the hospital in Temple and other select locations. They have 3 programs (usually a waiting list), SATP (substance abuse treatment program but you must be mentally stable), voc rehab (they drive you to different places to apply for work and you stay at the dom and save money until you reach your savings goal with the counselor involved then they help you find housing so that you can start your life over), and last is health maint. (people that have health problems and need to be near the hospital while they recuperate). 2 man rooms, nice bed and lockers and desk (just imagine the modern barracks in the military and you get the idea). you do a morning chore (very easy) and they have civil service cooks that cook you 3 hots a day (very nice mess hall complete with salad bar and everything), movies, PX in the building (more like a shopette), full medical services including physicals and they even have their own sick call that is in the building. Civilians would die to have such a service, and there are some vets that need to quit sucking tit and leave to make space for other vets in need, but they will not and play the medical and political game. Please inquire your local VA about the nearest dom. You will need to apply, and they will interview you, but YOU will get squared away. Yes, they have telephones in each room (is how I used dial up to get online).

Waco has a dom as well (they had it before, then got rid of it, then started another one because of the empty buildings that got renovated with millions of taxpayer dollars and were sitting empty and we had many vets in need). I liked Waco as well as Temple when I was there for major depression (Waco has the psych ward) because they have a library with computer lab, so I could communicate with Vicky, you guys and gals, and my ex (I need her whenever I'm in the area because we all need support and supplies).

Like I said, if things get too rough, inquire at the VA about getting into the dom, at least you will be near your own kind. I just got out of the civvie rehab and I hated it, the noise, the BS, and the crappy facilities. I'm going to e-mail Sen Hutchison and tell her the El Paso VA system needs an overhaul as there are many vets in need yet since few facilities they contract out, the money would be better spent and saved by building a dom facility in the El Paso area.

I can try to get you more info if your VA cannot help. If worse comes to worse, finish your semester and I will fly you to Austin and Leda can take you to Temple and Waco and you can look at the facilities and decide if you like (like I said, central Texas VA spends money on their vets and facilities) and we can try to get you squared away, ok? If you do decide, let me know in advance so that I can make an advance purchase on airfare, I'm ok on money, but I'm not wealthy by any means.

IndyShark · « **Reply #38 on:** May 22, 2004, 12:25:35 pm »

Clark, if I may suggest two things, please consider working out more often and getting a pet.

I would out three times a week and find it a great way to relax and take my mind off things that depress or anger me. The body produces chemicals that make you feel good when you do a lot of exercise. It's hard to do, but the physical and mental rewards are well worth it.

Secondly, pets have a soothing effect on humans. I have a few and playing with them is very relaxing. This may not be a cure, but it will take your mind off depressing thoughts for a while. I have started breeding CITES class 3 animals and it is a really blast to help save endangered animals. I highly recommend it!

Best of luck to you!

Clark Kent · « **Reply #39 on:** May 22, 2004, 12:30:31 pm »

JMM, that has to be the most generous offer I can ever remember getting. However, I'm thinking that I'll be in MN for at least the next couple years, though. When I went back to school I didn't do it with the GI bill, I'm enrolled in a VA program Called Chapter 31, or vocational rehabilitation. I traded my GI bill in for it, they pay for all my classes, books and supplies needed for whatever program I go into, along with some subsistance each month. The subsiistance isn't enough for me to live on each month, but it's a start. Since I still have some money saved up, i was considering making some small purchases to build on and sell over eBay, but I'm not sure what to try to sell, how to keep supplying myself or even how well it would work.
Thanks very much for your offer, I erally do appreciate it,

CK

JMM · « **Reply #40 on:** May 22, 2004, 12:35:25 pm »

Just keep letting us know if you ever need us, we are there... I used to think Hispanics were badarse because they do have strong family ties, but they have not got anything on us Taldrenites!

Clark Kent · « **Reply #42 on:** May 19, 2004, 12:57:42 am »

How many of you wake up in the morning wishing you ahdn't,e very day? I've been dealing with serious depression for along time now, and I've reached a point where nothing seems to help anymore.The one person that I felt I could trust and wanted min my life mroe than anything abandoned me over a year ago and made it clear she never wanted anything to do with me again. Everywhere I go I'm an outsider loking in, and I don't even remember anymore how to act in a group so that I can get along with others because I've been isolated so long.
When I was in the army, I was so alone that on my birhtdays I would go to dairyqueen, buy an icecream cake, and after being turned down after offering a piece of it to everyone I could find, I'd sit alone in my room, blow out a lit match I placed on the cake and sit in silence eating it alone in the dark.
My social skills are so poor, in fact, that I can't even hold down a job that puts me in near isolation all the time.
These days it feels like part of me is missing, but not just a small part. It's like part of me was ripped away, and there's not enough of me left to function anymore.
If you don't mind, i'd rather not get the "ther are other fish in the sea" speeches, or "it'll all get better" stuff. I've heard it before too many times, and it never works out that way. I've accepted the fact that I lack the ability to make a real friend in this life, aside possibly fromt he imaginary ones I find on the internet, and this is how my life is going to be, which is alright I guess, since I've reached my max on heartache from the people that get tired of me. I'm just curious as to how alone I am in feeling like this.

CK

Stormbringer · « **Reply #43 on:** May 19, 2004, 01:10:58 am »

My depression though not as severe as you describe hampers my ability to enjoy life as well. I think you should consider getting help from a doctor. Depression can not only be lethal in the short term but destroys health in the long run. Modern psychotropic medication is nothing to fear and can help immensely as can therapy addressing your social symptoms. both together or either alone can help. you can get better and learn to enjoy life and rediscover your social life. Doing nothing will merely keep you miserable. Please see a doctor. you will be glad if you do in time. no one deserves to be miserable for life. you deserve to get better.

Sethan · « **Reply #44 on:** May 19, 2004, 01:16:39 am »

Storm is right - and dealing with the depression might help other areas of your life as well. When you are severely depressed, it shows - and it affects the way people deal with you socially.

Stormbringer · « **Reply #45 on:** May 19, 2004, 01:25:59 am »

Also since he mentioned it occured in the army he may be able to submit a claim and get approved for VA paid treatment. It will take longer since he is out but it has been done before. I'm not an expert on it but he can get help figuring out how to do that.

J. Carney · « **Reply #46 on:** May 19, 2004, 04:35:12 am »

The fact that I'm posting this reply at 0408 CDT should give you a hint of my social life at this point. I haven't had a real date in five years do to one circumstance or another (Basic, deployment, ect). My first attempt back in the dating game ended on the second date- her excuse for cutting it off "you're too quiet." I have definately felt somewhat like you discribe- though not to the degree you say you are experiencing.

These feelings having gone on as long as you say the have, I really would seek help. Storm is right- you diserve better than to feel down all the time. I'd also definately try to seek compensation from the VA. If you worked for the government, it is only right and proper that it work for you as well.

Monty · « **Reply #47 on:** May 19, 2004, 06:02:42 am »

Depression is one of those hard to quantify things in life.

The problem is that it is rarely talked about and people are afraid of being rejected or shunned.

I was told by my girlfriend not too long ago (we've had a good relationship for well over a year now) that she suffered pretty badly from this.

I could see the very visible fear of rejection in her face as I considered what she had just told me.

I told her that knowing this didn't and wouldn't change anything. It doesn't change what I think of her, it didn't change how I act towards her. It was the truth. Talking about things like this fosters understanding. I think this is important.

I could see the very visible relief in her posture and hear it in her voice.

I suppose my point is this:

Depression is an illness. But it doens't make you any less 'normal'. No one is perfect.

Scott Allen Abfalter · « **Reply #48 on:** May 19, 2004, 09:14:06 am »

Since no one has mentioned it directly:

Have you considered that there could be a medical basis for this depression instead of just personal/situational?

There are many, many people in the world who suffer from depression symptoms because of brain chemistry --something that is out of their control. These are sometimes treatable by anti-depressants.

Unfortunately, society has an old stigma against "mental disorders" and many people suffer through this needlessly because they are afraid to seek help. But, in these cases, there is nothing different from taking a pill to counter this medically caused depression as compared to taking a pill to treat any other physical symptom.

Not all cases of depression have a medical basis; but some do. If you are suffering badly, and your post sounds as if you are, then I would urge you to see if this is the case with you.

One small caution: anti-depressants are often over-prescribed so I would go to a doctor in whom you trust their judgement --one who will decide whether you really need one or not. They are relatively safe drugs and so it would not hurt to even go on a trial run to see if they help in your case.

TalonClaw · « **Reply #49 on:** May 19, 2004, 09:44:02 am »

Definitely go see a doctor. Way back when I caught my wife cheating and almost divorced I went into a very deep depression that almost cost me my job. I went to a doctor and got on some anti-depressants for a few months. That and having SFC as a diversion helped tremendously. Now I'm fine. You need to focus on taking care of yourself man. Everything else will work out once you take care of yourself.

Sirgod · « **Reply #50 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:21:27 am »

They all speak the truth here About Seeing a Doctor Bro. Depression can be a very Serious Problem with Long range effects. Ignoring It , is not the answer.

as far as Social Skills, I've never noticed anything out of line from you here on these Boards, But then again, this isn't A true Example of real life either. Of course, I am always willing to talk, and do what I can for you or anyone.

Stephen

Iceman · « **Reply #51 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:27:22 am »

I may not be any kind of expect on depression, but I can say this.

The people on these boards are not imaginary friends by any stretch. They help each other in very real ways. Trust them (us, we, they, whatever). Living in different parts of the world can not seperate people, because we won't let it.

Clark Kent · « **Reply #52 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:30:24 am »

Thanks for all of the replies, I appreciate. i woke up this morning regretting posting this. Typically I don't talk about this to anyone (one exception, but I'll get to that) because I've been told and taught that no one wants to hear it or have anything to do with it.
I have been seeking medical help since before I left the Army, and do have a VA disability rating for this. I've been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist at the VA up here since a couple months after leaving the Army. I've been on St. John's wart, to Celexa to prozac and now Nefazadone, plus some stuff to help me get to sleep at night. The Nefazadone has been a great help, since I don't have nearly as many nightmares as I used to. Like I said though, I've reached a stalemate in the depression battle. the urge to be around others has been waning, more than ever in the past, and I've sunk much deeper than I have before. The only solution I see is to up my medication dosage, but while medication has help, it's had a cost, so I'm reluctant to do that.

CK

Confused?? · « **Reply #53 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:35:29 am »

I had depression. I was much like you are now, and as a result I dropped out of college. After accepting I had something wrong I went to a doctor. He told me that I should go on anti-depressants(Lustrol), he said that 10% of people never get off them and about the same amount have recuring symptoms throughout life. I set my self good goals and was on them for 4 months when the standard is 6 months. My goal was to work abroad, and 5 months after starting treatment I was working in Spain.

Over the last few years I have had what I call "dips" in mood etc, and I get myself out of them by thinking of what life was like when ill. I am now back on track after having a good relationship (now finished because she was ill and needed time to herslf to recover) and in September I enter University as a mature student (22yrs old) doing a degree in Archaeology.

This is a genuine illness which can for a number of reasons. So I would advise a visit to you're doctor. A course of medication coupled with counsilling will do you wonders, but do it before you fail at school because it could take years to get back on track.
I wish you all the best in school and for health.

LongTooth · « **Reply #54 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:50:32 am »

I know this is going to sound stupid but what about getting a pet?
Dogs are great (as any dog owner can tell you ) it will give you something to focus on and will become part of your life it could help

Likkerpig · « **Reply #56 on:** May 19, 2004, 11:32:10 am »

My experiences are almost a mirror image of yours CK. Unfortunately when I got out of the Canadian army I was not intitled to any benifits. The med costs come out of my own pocket, when work is slim I go without.
There are some great posts here, good advice and knowing you are not the only one suffering.
Being on meds can suck, but in my experience not being on them is far worse.
Hope things look up for you.

TheShadow · « **Reply #57 on:** May 19, 2004, 11:46:02 am »

What about family? I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression when I was a teen. Nothing helped. When I was in my early 20's I was diagnosed as having Agoraphobia with depression. I have taken almost every drug you can think of. I self-medicated with alchohol most of my life which got me into more trouble than I would care to go into to. I was homeless for awhile. I had sex with any woman that was willing and I was drunk almost every time. My girlfriend that stuck by me through everything, including the cheating, I eventually drove away. It was a self-defeating cycle where I believed that noone cared about me and I seemed to do everything in my power to drive everyone away. Ive gone for days without eating or sleeping with a gun in my hand trying to decide whether life was worth living or if things would be better for all concerned if I scattered my brains all over the wall. Things change though. Life is definately worth living. Every day I wake up means a chance. A chance to improve my life. If you are dead, then there are no more chances and you have wasted the most precious gift you have. Life.

Through everything there was only one person that never gave up. My mother. She was the one that helped me turn things around. She gave me a place to live, found me a job, and showed me that there was someone that truly cared. She sat with me through DT's, vomit, hallucinations, and pissing/crapping on myself. It wasnt easy. I managed to pull my life together through hard work and determination.

Like the other guys have said, get some help. Call a doctor, join a support group. You'll find that there are more people in the same situation as you than you think. They can lend support and help you get through the rough patches. It will also help you with your social skills. Believe me, things will get better. I'll be praying for you CK.

Clark Kent · « **Reply #58 on:** May 19, 2004, 12:11:22 pm »

I have a rifle that was a gift that now sits in the back of my closet because I'm not sure I can trust myself to mess with it. I probably wouldn't do anything though. My mindset is that there would be no point to suicide, because I'm tired of trying to make things better or wait for them to improve. The point of suicide is to end it all, but thanks to my beliefs, I can't subscribe to the thought that death would be the end. I could go into it deeper, but death isn't what I want, I'd just like to cease to be. But that's not an option, so I'm stuck. Faith bites.
Family is not an option. My family has made it expressely clear that they don't want to hear about my problems and will do anything from change the subject to ignore me to outright telling me my problems are not theirs and they don't want the misery of dealing with my problems. they'll provide physical help- food etc if I really need it, but that's as far as they'll go.
I'm glad you managed to work through your issues, and I hope your life contines to go well for you.
Likkerpig, thanks for the words. Sounds like you have alot of guts to stick things out like you have. Meds are a constant source of contemplation for me.It's a trade off to be sure, and I still don't know that I'm comfortable with the cost of that trade.

CK

TalonClaw · « **Reply #59 on:** May 19, 2004, 12:15:46 pm »

Try re-newing ties with old friends. Make new friends. Get out there.
Moping around the house is not good. Get out and get some air. Go to the park and walk. Who knows you might meet someone especially if you take that cute little cat for a walk.

I know you don't want to hear this but get over her. It's not worth it. You will find love again if you have a good heart.

Put the past behind you and move on.

Stormbringer · « **Reply #60 on:** May 19, 2004, 12:28:59 pm »

The newer meds of which I spoke are not as heavy handed as the old ones. They do not affect as many other areas as the old ones and are more targeted to just the depression. Your doctors may not have tried them yet for various reasons. But you should be aware that they are out there. I've read on the meds issues a bit but my condition is not so severe that I have had to use them. So I can only tell you what I've read in articles. I would not take the old ones but would be less reluctant about the new ones.

Remember the stuff about PT? How it relieves stress and releases serotonin and other endorphines? It's true. Try physical activity and acquire hobbies that require you to move around. Even Gardening. Get out doors get some sun. make your skin produce vitamin D. It helps (getting active outdoors). I know this from experience, though you might feel unmotivated and have to literally force yourself at first. And a horrible thing about depression is how it robs you of motivation and will which are central to getting better.

It robs the will, dampens positive emotions and amplifies the negative ones and thus it is self sustaining unless you break the cycle.

Stormbringer · « **Reply #63 on:** May 19, 2004, 01:25:34 pm »

I hesitate to mention it because I'm not sure I'd ever submit to it but as a last resort ECT is still used and it does work but (shudder)... They use it when all meds fail and the person cannot live normal life due to his condition. If you have tried all drug treatments and other therapy and docs concur that it's not working then there is still electroconvulsive therapy. Yes, it is still used. Because apparently it does work where all else has failed. But I'd seriously try to make the other options work first.

Confused?? · « **Reply #66 on:** May 19, 2004, 06:14:54 pm »

I understand the difficulties you are going through, even after being well for about 4 years my social life is still not great. All my friends from before are gone, but I have made new ones who are there when I need them but understand that I find it hard to get into the swing of things becuase of my illness.

The thing is that if you actively look for new people, it can come across as you being desperate for other people and as a result frighten them away. You said that you're faith does not allow you do end things (thankfully) so have you gone to church and maybe got help from within that community? My ex who suffered the same thing and an eating disorder, is making a great recovery thanks to medication, counsilling and by attending church with her father every sunday. Her belief I think is also helping her. This is a difficult illness to beat and it is hard to remain positive, but it is a condition which has physical effects. You're brain chemistry is at fault and there is not enough of a particular chemical so it creates the effects that you are feeling. Exercise can help but it must be combined with other treatments, and as is said above modern medication is not as aggressive as the older types. You may have to try a number of types until you find one that suits you, my ex tried four different types of anti-depressant before she started to get well, but now she is on her way.

I would advise you see a doctor, and if you are at school or college then maybe a visit to a staff physciatrist counciller. It will be a difficult recovery, but along with those people you have and family you have members of this board. You said you're family is willing to help you physically, so once you begin a solid treatment i'm sure they will gather round to help you more than they currently are.
Either way good luck and get well.

TheShadow · « **Reply #67 on:** May 19, 2004, 06:54:49 pm »

It was just "issues" for me. I was at a point that I didnt give a shiite what happened to me. Have you ever been so drunk that you lost an entire month? Have you ever woke up covered in your own blood and not remember what happened? Have you ever been admitted to a hospital dehydrated and nearly starved to death?

Clark Kent · « **Reply #68 on:** May 19, 2004, 07:04:52 pm »

I can't say I've ever been through those things. There was a month, though, in the army where my NCO refused to allow me and a buddy any MREs or any time to get meals when they were available. We lived off of those big slatines crackers and day old pudding after raiding the mess tent in the middle of the night when no one was around. I stopped drinking when I went into the army, knowing i could fall into the traps you mentioned.
You got more fortitude than me,

CK

TheShadow · « **Reply #69 on:** May 20, 2004, 12:13:31 am »

Thats just it. I dont. Well at the time I didnt think I did. No matter how low you think you are, there are those that have been in worse and survived. There is help out there bro. You just gotta make the first move. If one program doesnt help then find another. It is worth it. The guys on this forum have been through some bad shiite. We'll do what we can to lend support. I know that inside you is the power to overcome this. When my life was at its most difficult I didnt think I had it in me to survive, let alone change. If it was within me to do it, it is within you as well. Faith can move mountains. You just have to put it to work for you. Keep the faith!

Dogmatix! · « **Reply #72 on:** May 20, 2004, 12:56:04 pm »

Nice post, Corbo...and I totally see that in you from what that little that I've been about to discern via my interactions with you online. Your post also helps explain a few things.

For my part, I come from a pretty loving family that looks out for each other, but that hasn't precluded me from having my own problems with what I think is actual depression and I know I do have certain fears and issues associated with confrontation and shyness. These have served to hold me back in my personal and professional life. Let's just say I'm a hell of a lot more outgoing in these fora than I am in real life.

Interesting thread.

Scott Allen Abfalter · « **Reply #73 on:** May 20, 2004, 02:55:52 pm »

I think his advice is good for basically anybody...

JMM · « **Reply #74 on:** May 21, 2004, 11:32:35 am »

Nobody is tired of you Clark, that is part of why we are here, to help others with life, and life can be so difficult at times.

You are a veteran, therefore you are entitled to care at a VA center. Do you have a nice one near you? If not then we need to get you into a dom facility. There you will get the health care and support that you need. I've been lonely before, I know how severe depression can affect you. I also know what it is like to not want to be around large groups of people. For some reason that condition affects vets more than any other segment of American society. Look for a VA center that is good (I highly recommend Temple, Waco, TX or Oklahoma City (Steve can tell us if they have a dom there). If worse comes to worse, we will get you to Austin and you can stay at my ex-wife's apt. maybe until you get admitted to the dom in Temple, TX. Whatever you decide, let us know ASAP. Being an ex-lush and having tried to commit suicide so that I would never be a burden on others, I can tell you from personal experience that those two options are NOT an option.

You need changes in your life amigo, and you need to act upon it soon. Let us know and NEVER be afraid to ask for help, be it from us or from VA or whomever.

EE · « **Reply #75 on:** May 21, 2004, 12:06:26 pm »

Just remember Clark, your impervious to bullets and that kitten depends on you.

I would write more but I am in a serious hurry right now. take care of yourself man, we all would miss ya here.

Clark Kent · « **Reply #76 on:** May 21, 2004, 12:06:56 pm »

Thanks JMM, I really appreciate it. As it stands, i'm way up in MN, just starting to go back to school this week, so I'm kinda stuck up here for the time being. I visit the VA med center in a city called St cloud, and they treat me pretty good up there. My biggest problem right now is that I made the mistake of moving back in with my parents,a nd with no job right now, I'm without the ability to find a place of my own again. Like I mentioned before, they'll help me on the most basic things in life, but other than that they don't want anything to do with me.
BTW, what is a dom?
Thanks,

CK

Stormbringer · « **Reply #77 on:** May 21, 2004, 12:13:21 pm »

I t is a kind of halfway house where vets with problems and no homes can stay for a while until they can get a job and make it on thier own. But it is also a treatment center for those who don't have it quite that bad.

JMM · « **Reply #79 on:** May 22, 2004, 12:13:42 pm »

Domicillary, it is a very nice building behind the hospital in Temple and other select locations. They have 3 programs (usually a waiting list), SATP (substance abuse treatment program but you must be mentally stable), voc rehab (they drive you to different places to apply for work and you stay at the dom and save money until you reach your savings goal with the counselor involved then they help you find housing so that you can start your life over), and last is health maint. (people that have health problems and need to be near the hospital while they recuperate). 2 man rooms, nice bed and lockers and desk (just imagine the modern barracks in the military and you get the idea). you do a morning chore (very easy) and they have civil service cooks that cook you 3 hots a day (very nice mess hall complete with salad bar and everything), movies, PX in the building (more like a shopette), full medical services including physicals and they even have their own sick call that is in the building. Civilians would die to have such a service, and there are some vets that need to quit sucking tit and leave to make space for other vets in need, but they will not and play the medical and political game. Please inquire your local VA about the nearest dom. You will need to apply, and they will interview you, but YOU will get squared away. Yes, they have telephones in each room (is how I used dial up to get online).

Waco has a dom as well (they had it before, then got rid of it, then started another one because of the empty buildings that got renovated with millions of taxpayer dollars and were sitting empty and we had many vets in need). I liked Waco as well as Temple when I was there for major depression (Waco has the psych ward) because they have a library with computer lab, so I could communicate with Vicky, you guys and gals, and my ex (I need her whenever I'm in the area because we all need support and supplies).

Like I said, if things get too rough, inquire at the VA about getting into the dom, at least you will be near your own kind. I just got out of the civvie rehab and I hated it, the noise, the BS, and the crappy facilities. I'm going to e-mail Sen Hutchison and tell her the El Paso VA system needs an overhaul as there are many vets in need yet since few facilities they contract out, the money would be better spent and saved by building a dom facility in the El Paso area.

I can try to get you more info if your VA cannot help. If worse comes to worse, finish your semester and I will fly you to Austin and Leda can take you to Temple and Waco and you can look at the facilities and decide if you like (like I said, central Texas VA spends money on their vets and facilities) and we can try to get you squared away, ok? If you do decide, let me know in advance so that I can make an advance purchase on airfare, I'm ok on money, but I'm not wealthy by any means.

IndyShark · « **Reply #80 on:** May 22, 2004, 12:25:35 pm »

Clark, if I may suggest two things, please consider working out more often and getting a pet.

I would out three times a week and find it a great way to relax and take my mind off things that depress or anger me. The body produces chemicals that make you feel good when you do a lot of exercise. It's hard to do, but the physical and mental rewards are well worth it.

Secondly, pets have a soothing effect on humans. I have a few and playing with them is very relaxing. This may not be a cure, but it will take your mind off depressing thoughts for a while. I have started breeding CITES class 3 animals and it is a really blast to help save endangered animals. I highly recommend it!

Best of luck to you!

Clark Kent · « **Reply #81 on:** May 22, 2004, 12:30:31 pm »

JMM, that has to be the most generous offer I can ever remember getting. However, I'm thinking that I'll be in MN for at least the next couple years, though. When I went back to school I didn't do it with the GI bill, I'm enrolled in a VA program Called Chapter 31, or vocational rehabilitation. I traded my GI bill in for it, they pay for all my classes, books and supplies needed for whatever program I go into, along with some subsistance each month. The subsiistance isn't enough for me to live on each month, but it's a start. Since I still have some money saved up, i was considering making some small purchases to build on and sell over eBay, but I'm not sure what to try to sell, how to keep supplying myself or even how well it would work.
Thanks very much for your offer, I erally do appreciate it,

CK

JMM · « **Reply #82 on:** May 22, 2004, 12:35:25 pm »

Just keep letting us know if you ever need us, we are there... I used to think Hispanics were badarse because they do have strong family ties, but they have not got anything on us Taldrenites!

Clark Kent · « **Reply #84 on:** May 19, 2004, 12:57:42 am »

How many of you wake up in the morning wishing you ahdn't,e very day? I've been dealing with serious depression for along time now, and I've reached a point where nothing seems to help anymore.The one person that I felt I could trust and wanted min my life mroe than anything abandoned me over a year ago and made it clear she never wanted anything to do with me again. Everywhere I go I'm an outsider loking in, and I don't even remember anymore how to act in a group so that I can get along with others because I've been isolated so long.
When I was in the army, I was so alone that on my birhtdays I would go to dairyqueen, buy an icecream cake, and after being turned down after offering a piece of it to everyone I could find, I'd sit alone in my room, blow out a lit match I placed on the cake and sit in silence eating it alone in the dark.
My social skills are so poor, in fact, that I can't even hold down a job that puts me in near isolation all the time.
These days it feels like part of me is missing, but not just a small part. It's like part of me was ripped away, and there's not enough of me left to function anymore.
If you don't mind, i'd rather not get the "ther are other fish in the sea" speeches, or "it'll all get better" stuff. I've heard it before too many times, and it never works out that way. I've accepted the fact that I lack the ability to make a real friend in this life, aside possibly fromt he imaginary ones I find on the internet, and this is how my life is going to be, which is alright I guess, since I've reached my max on heartache from the people that get tired of me. I'm just curious as to how alone I am in feeling like this.

CK

Stormbringer · « **Reply #85 on:** May 19, 2004, 01:10:58 am »

My depression though not as severe as you describe hampers my ability to enjoy life as well. I think you should consider getting help from a doctor. Depression can not only be lethal in the short term but destroys health in the long run. Modern psychotropic medication is nothing to fear and can help immensely as can therapy addressing your social symptoms. both together or either alone can help. you can get better and learn to enjoy life and rediscover your social life. Doing nothing will merely keep you miserable. Please see a doctor. you will be glad if you do in time. no one deserves to be miserable for life. you deserve to get better.

Sethan · « **Reply #86 on:** May 19, 2004, 01:16:39 am »

Storm is right - and dealing with the depression might help other areas of your life as well. When you are severely depressed, it shows - and it affects the way people deal with you socially.

Stormbringer · « **Reply #87 on:** May 19, 2004, 01:25:59 am »

Also since he mentioned it occured in the army he may be able to submit a claim and get approved for VA paid treatment. It will take longer since he is out but it has been done before. I'm not an expert on it but he can get help figuring out how to do that.

J. Carney · « **Reply #88 on:** May 19, 2004, 04:35:12 am »

The fact that I'm posting this reply at 0408 CDT should give you a hint of my social life at this point. I haven't had a real date in five years do to one circumstance or another (Basic, deployment, ect). My first attempt back in the dating game ended on the second date- her excuse for cutting it off "you're too quiet." I have definately felt somewhat like you discribe- though not to the degree you say you are experiencing.

These feelings having gone on as long as you say the have, I really would seek help. Storm is right- you diserve better than to feel down all the time. I'd also definately try to seek compensation from the VA. If you worked for the government, it is only right and proper that it work for you as well.

Monty · « **Reply #89 on:** May 19, 2004, 06:02:42 am »

Depression is one of those hard to quantify things in life.

The problem is that it is rarely talked about and people are afraid of being rejected or shunned.

I was told by my girlfriend not too long ago (we've had a good relationship for well over a year now) that she suffered pretty badly from this.

I could see the very visible fear of rejection in her face as I considered what she had just told me.

I told her that knowing this didn't and wouldn't change anything. It doesn't change what I think of her, it didn't change how I act towards her. It was the truth. Talking about things like this fosters understanding. I think this is important.

I could see the very visible relief in her posture and hear it in her voice.

I suppose my point is this:

Depression is an illness. But it doens't make you any less 'normal'. No one is perfect.

Scott Allen Abfalter · « **Reply #90 on:** May 19, 2004, 09:14:06 am »

Since no one has mentioned it directly:

Have you considered that there could be a medical basis for this depression instead of just personal/situational?

There are many, many people in the world who suffer from depression symptoms because of brain chemistry --something that is out of their control. These are sometimes treatable by anti-depressants.

Unfortunately, society has an old stigma against "mental disorders" and many people suffer through this needlessly because they are afraid to seek help. But, in these cases, there is nothing different from taking a pill to counter this medically caused depression as compared to taking a pill to treat any other physical symptom.

Not all cases of depression have a medical basis; but some do. If you are suffering badly, and your post sounds as if you are, then I would urge you to see if this is the case with you.

One small caution: anti-depressants are often over-prescribed so I would go to a doctor in whom you trust their judgement --one who will decide whether you really need one or not. They are relatively safe drugs and so it would not hurt to even go on a trial run to see if they help in your case.

TalonClaw · « **Reply #91 on:** May 19, 2004, 09:44:02 am »

Definitely go see a doctor. Way back when I caught my wife cheating and almost divorced I went into a very deep depression that almost cost me my job. I went to a doctor and got on some anti-depressants for a few months. That and having SFC as a diversion helped tremendously. Now I'm fine. You need to focus on taking care of yourself man. Everything else will work out once you take care of yourself.

Sirgod · « **Reply #92 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:21:27 am »

They all speak the truth here About Seeing a Doctor Bro. Depression can be a very Serious Problem with Long range effects. Ignoring It , is not the answer.

as far as Social Skills, I've never noticed anything out of line from you here on these Boards, But then again, this isn't A true Example of real life either. Of course, I am always willing to talk, and do what I can for you or anyone.

Stephen

Iceman · « **Reply #93 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:27:22 am »

I may not be any kind of expect on depression, but I can say this.

The people on these boards are not imaginary friends by any stretch. They help each other in very real ways. Trust them (us, we, they, whatever). Living in different parts of the world can not seperate people, because we won't let it.

Clark Kent · « **Reply #94 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:30:24 am »

Thanks for all of the replies, I appreciate. i woke up this morning regretting posting this. Typically I don't talk about this to anyone (one exception, but I'll get to that) because I've been told and taught that no one wants to hear it or have anything to do with it.
I have been seeking medical help since before I left the Army, and do have a VA disability rating for this. I've been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist at the VA up here since a couple months after leaving the Army. I've been on St. John's wart, to Celexa to prozac and now Nefazadone, plus some stuff to help me get to sleep at night. The Nefazadone has been a great help, since I don't have nearly as many nightmares as I used to. Like I said though, I've reached a stalemate in the depression battle. the urge to be around others has been waning, more than ever in the past, and I've sunk much deeper than I have before. The only solution I see is to up my medication dosage, but while medication has help, it's had a cost, so I'm reluctant to do that.

CK

Confused?? · « **Reply #95 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:35:29 am »

I had depression. I was much like you are now, and as a result I dropped out of college. After accepting I had something wrong I went to a doctor. He told me that I should go on anti-depressants(Lustrol), he said that 10% of people never get off them and about the same amount have recuring symptoms throughout life. I set my self good goals and was on them for 4 months when the standard is 6 months. My goal was to work abroad, and 5 months after starting treatment I was working in Spain.

Over the last few years I have had what I call "dips" in mood etc, and I get myself out of them by thinking of what life was like when ill. I am now back on track after having a good relationship (now finished because she was ill and needed time to herslf to recover) and in September I enter University as a mature student (22yrs old) doing a degree in Archaeology.

This is a genuine illness which can for a number of reasons. So I would advise a visit to you're doctor. A course of medication coupled with counsilling will do you wonders, but do it before you fail at school because it could take years to get back on track.
I wish you all the best in school and for health.

LongTooth · « **Reply #96 on:** May 19, 2004, 10:50:32 am »

I know this is going to sound stupid but what about getting a pet?
Dogs are great (as any dog owner can tell you ) it will give you something to focus on and will become part of your life it could help

Likkerpig · « **Reply #98 on:** May 19, 2004, 11:32:10 am »

My experiences are almost a mirror image of yours CK. Unfortunately when I got out of the Canadian army I was not intitled to any benifits. The med costs come out of my own pocket, when work is slim I go without.
There are some great posts here, good advice and knowing you are not the only one suffering.
Being on meds can suck, but in my experience not being on them is far worse.
Hope things look up for you.

TheShadow · « **Reply #99 on:** May 19, 2004, 11:46:02 am »

What about family? I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression when I was a teen. Nothing helped. When I was in my early 20's I was diagnosed as having Agoraphobia with depression. I have taken almost every drug you can think of. I self-medicated with alchohol most of my life which got me into more trouble than I would care to go into to. I was homeless for awhile. I had sex with any woman that was willing and I was drunk almost every time. My girlfriend that stuck by me through everything, including the cheating, I eventually drove away. It was a self-defeating cycle where I believed that noone cared about me and I seemed to do everything in my power to drive everyone away. Ive gone for days without eating or sleeping with a gun in my hand trying to decide whether life was worth living or if things would be better for all concerned if I scattered my brains all over the wall. Things change though. Life is definately worth living. Every day I wake up means a chance. A chance to improve my life. If you are dead, then there are no more chances and you have wasted the most precious gift you have. Life.

Through everything there was only one person that never gave up. My mother. She was the one that helped me turn things around. She gave me a place to live, found me a job, and showed me that there was someone that truly cared. She sat with me through DT's, vomit, hallucinations, and pissing/crapping on myself. It wasnt easy. I managed to pull my life together through hard work and determination.

Like the other guys have said, get some help. Call a doctor, join a support group. You'll find that there are more people in the same situation as you than you think. They can lend support and help you get through the rough patches. It will also help you with your social skills. Believe me, things will get better. I'll be praying for you CK.

Clark Kent · « **Reply #100 on:** May 19, 2004, 12:11:22 pm »

I have a rifle that was a gift that now sits in the back of my closet because I'm not sure I can trust myself to mess with it. I probably wouldn't do anything though. My mindset is that there would be no point to suicide, because I'm tired of trying to make things better or wait for them to improve. The point of suicide is to end it all, but thanks to my beliefs, I can't subscribe to the thought that death would be the end. I could go into it deeper, but death isn't what I want, I'd just like to cease to be. But that's not an option, so I'm stuck. Faith bites.
Family is not an option. My family has made it expressely clear that they don't want to hear about my problems and will do anything from change the subject to ignore me to outright telling me my problems are not theirs and they don't want the misery of dealing with my problems. they'll provide physical help- food etc if I really need it, but that's as far as they'll go.
I'm glad you managed to work through your issues, and I hope your life contines to go well for you.
Likkerpig, thanks for the words. Sounds like you have alot of guts to stick things out like you have. Meds are a constant source of contemplation for me.It's a trade off to be sure, and I still don't know that I'm comfortable with the cost of that trade.

CK

TalonClaw · « **Reply #101 on:** May 19, 2004, 12:15:46 pm »

Try re-newing ties with old friends. Make new friends. Get out there.
Moping around the house is not good. Get out and get some air. Go to the park and walk. Who knows you might meet someone especially if you take that cute little cat for a walk.

I know you don't want to hear this but get over her. It's not worth it. You will find love again if you have a good heart.

Put the past behind you and move on.

Stormbringer · « **Reply #102 on:** May 19, 2004, 12:28:59 pm »

The newer meds of which I spoke are not as heavy handed as the old ones. They do not affect as many other areas as the old ones and are more targeted to just the depression. Your doctors may not have tried them yet for various reasons. But you should be aware that they are out there. I've read on the meds issues a bit but my condition is not so severe that I have had to use them. So I can only tell you what I've read in articles. I would not take the old ones but would be less reluctant about the new ones.

Remember the stuff about PT? How it relieves stress and releases serotonin and other endorphines? It's true. Try physical activity and acquire hobbies that require you to move around. Even Gardening. Get out doors get some sun. make your skin produce vitamin D. It helps (getting active outdoors). I know this from experience, though you might feel unmotivated and have to literally force yourself at first. And a horrible thing about depression is how it robs you of motivation and will which are central to getting better.

It robs the will, dampens positive emotions and amplifies the negative ones and thus it is self sustaining unless you break the cycle.

Stormbringer · « **Reply #105 on:** May 19, 2004, 01:25:34 pm »

I hesitate to mention it because I'm not sure I'd ever submit to it but as a last resort ECT is still used and it does work but (shudder)... They use it when all meds fail and the person cannot live normal life due to his condition. If you have tried all drug treatments and other therapy and docs concur that it's not working then there is still electroconvulsive therapy. Yes, it is still used. Because apparently it does work where all else has failed. But I'd seriously try to make the other options work first.

Confused?? · « **Reply #108 on:** May 19, 2004, 06:14:54 pm »

I understand the difficulties you are going through, even after being well for about 4 years my social life is still not great. All my friends from before are gone, but I have made new ones who are there when I need them but understand that I find it hard to get into the swing of things becuase of my illness.

The thing is that if you actively look for new people, it can come across as you being desperate for other people and as a result frighten them away. You said that you're faith does not allow you do end things (thankfully) so have you gone to church and maybe got help from within that community? My ex who suffered the same thing and an eating disorder, is making a great recovery thanks to medication, counsilling and by attending church with her father every sunday. Her belief I think is also helping her. This is a difficult illness to beat and it is hard to remain positive, but it is a condition which has physical effects. You're brain chemistry is at fault and there is not enough of a particular chemical so it creates the effects that you are feeling. Exercise can help but it must be combined with other treatments, and as is said above modern medication is not as aggressive as the older types. You may have to try a number of types until you find one that suits you, my ex tried four different types of anti-depressant before she started to get well, but now she is on her way.

I would advise you see a doctor, and if you are at school or college then maybe a visit to a staff physciatrist counciller. It will be a difficult recovery, but along with those people you have and family you have members of this board. You said you're family is willing to help you physically, so once you begin a solid treatment i'm sure they will gather round to help you more than they currently are.
Either way good luck and get well.

TheShadow · « **Reply #109 on:** May 19, 2004, 06:54:49 pm »

It was just "issues" for me. I was at a point that I didnt give a shiite what happened to me. Have you ever been so drunk that you lost an entire month? Have you ever woke up covered in your own blood and not remember what happened? Have you ever been admitted to a hospital dehydrated and nearly starved to death?

Clark Kent · « **Reply #110 on:** May 19, 2004, 07:04:52 pm »

I can't say I've ever been through those things. There was a month, though, in the army where my NCO refused to allow me and a buddy any MREs or any time to get meals when they were available. We lived off of those big slatines crackers and day old pudding after raiding the mess tent in the middle of the night when no one was around. I stopped drinking when I went into the army, knowing i could fall into the traps you mentioned.
You got more fortitude than me,

CK

TheShadow · « **Reply #111 on:** May 20, 2004, 12:13:31 am »

Thats just it. I dont. Well at the time I didnt think I did. No matter how low you think you are, there are those that have been in worse and survived. There is help out there bro. You just gotta make the first move. If one program doesnt help then find another. It is worth it. The guys on this forum have been through some bad shiite. We'll do what we can to lend support. I know that inside you is the power to overcome this. When my life was at its most difficult I didnt think I had it in me to survive, let alone change. If it was within me to do it, it is within you as well. Faith can move mountains. You just have to put it to work for you. Keep the faith!

Dogmatix! · « **Reply #114 on:** May 20, 2004, 12:56:04 pm »

Nice post, Corbo...and I totally see that in you from what that little that I've been about to discern via my interactions with you online. Your post also helps explain a few things.

For my part, I come from a pretty loving family that looks out for each other, but that hasn't precluded me from having my own problems with what I think is actual depression and I know I do have certain fears and issues associated with confrontation and shyness. These have served to hold me back in my personal and professional life. Let's just say I'm a hell of a lot more outgoing in these fora than I am in real life.

Interesting thread.

Scott Allen Abfalter · « **Reply #115 on:** May 20, 2004, 02:55:52 pm »

I think his advice is good for basically anybody...

JMM · « **Reply #116 on:** May 21, 2004, 11:32:35 am »

Nobody is tired of you Clark, that is part of why we are here, to help others with life, and life can be so difficult at times.

You are a veteran, therefore you are entitled to care at a VA center. Do you have a nice one near you? If not then we need to get you into a dom facility. There you will get the health care and support that you need. I've been lonely before, I know how severe depression can affect you. I also know what it is like to not want to be around large groups of people. For some reason that condition affects vets more than any other segment of American society. Look for a VA center that is good (I highly recommend Temple, Waco, TX or Oklahoma City (Steve can tell us if they have a dom there). If worse comes to worse, we will get you to Austin and you can stay at my ex-wife's apt. maybe until you get admitted to the dom in Temple, TX. Whatever you decide, let us know ASAP. Being an ex-lush and having tried to commit suicide so that I would never be a burden on others, I can tell you from personal experience that those two options are NOT an option.

You need changes in your life amigo, and you need to act upon it soon. Let us know and NEVER be afraid to ask for help, be it from us or from VA or whomever.

EE · « **Reply #117 on:** May 21, 2004, 12:06:26 pm »

Just remember Clark, your impervious to bullets and that kitten depends on you.

I would write more but I am in a serious hurry right now. take care of yourself man, we all would miss ya here.

Clark Kent · « **Reply #118 on:** May 21, 2004, 12:06:56 pm »

Thanks JMM, I really appreciate it. As it stands, i'm way up in MN, just starting to go back to school this week, so I'm kinda stuck up here for the time being. I visit the VA med center in a city called St cloud, and they treat me pretty good up there. My biggest problem right now is that I made the mistake of moving back in with my parents,a nd with no job right now, I'm without the ability to find a place of my own again. Like I mentioned before, they'll help me on the most basic things in life, but other than that they don't want anything to do with me.
BTW, what is a dom?
Thanks,

CK

Stormbringer · « **Reply #119 on:** May 21, 2004, 12:13:21 pm »

I t is a kind of halfway house where vets with problems and no homes can stay for a while until they can get a job and make it on thier own. But it is also a treatment center for those who don't have it quite that bad.

JMM · « **Reply #121 on:** May 22, 2004, 12:13:42 pm »

Domicillary, it is a very nice building behind the hospital in Temple and other select locations. They have 3 programs (usually a waiting list), SATP (substance abuse treatment program but you must be mentally stable), voc rehab (they drive you to different places to apply for work and you stay at the dom and save money until you reach your savings goal with the counselor involved then they help you find housing so that you can start your life over), and last is health maint. (people that have health problems and need to be near the hospital while they recuperate). 2 man rooms, nice bed and lockers and desk (just imagine the modern barracks in the military and you get the idea). you do a morning chore (very easy) and they have civil service cooks that cook you 3 hots a day (very nice mess hall complete with salad bar and everything), movies, PX in the building (more like a shopette), full medical services including physicals and they even have their own sick call that is in the building. Civilians would die to have such a service, and there are some vets that need to quit sucking tit and leave to make space for other vets in need, but they will not and play the medical and political game. Please inquire your local VA about the nearest dom. You will need to apply, and they will interview you, but YOU will get squared away. Yes, they have telephones in each room (is how I used dial up to get online).

Waco has a dom as well (they had it before, then got rid of it, then started another one because of the empty buildings that got renovated with millions of taxpayer dollars and were sitting empty and we had many vets in need). I liked Waco as well as Temple when I was there for major depression (Waco has the psych ward) because they have a library with computer lab, so I could communicate with Vicky, you guys and gals, and my ex (I need her whenever I'm in the area because we all need support and supplies).

Like I said, if things get too rough, inquire at the VA about getting into the dom, at least you will be near your own kind. I just got out of the civvie rehab and I hated it, the noise, the BS, and the crappy facilities. I'm going to e-mail Sen Hutchison and tell her the El Paso VA system needs an overhaul as there are many vets in need yet since few facilities they contract out, the money would be better spent and saved by building a dom facility in the El Paso area.

I can try to get you more info if your VA cannot help. If worse comes to worse, finish your semester and I will fly you to Austin and Leda can take you to Temple and Waco and you can look at the facilities and decide if you like (like I said, central Texas VA spends money on their vets and facilities) and we can try to get you squared away, ok? If you do decide, let me know in advance so that I can make an advance purchase on airfare, I'm ok on money, but I'm not wealthy by any means.

IndyShark · « **Reply #122 on:** May 22, 2004, 12:25:35 pm »

Clark, if I may suggest two things, please consider working out more often and getting a pet.

I would out three times a week and find it a great way to relax and take my mind off things that depress or anger me. The body produces chemicals that make you feel good when you do a lot of exercise. It's hard to do, but the physical and mental rewards are well worth it.

Secondly, pets have a soothing effect on humans. I have a few and playing with them is very relaxing. This may not be a cure, but it will take your mind off depressing thoughts for a while. I have started breeding CITES class 3 animals and it is a really blast to help save endangered animals. I highly recommend it!

Best of luck to you!

Clark Kent · « **Reply #123 on:** May 22, 2004, 12:30:31 pm »

JMM, that has to be the most generous offer I can ever remember getting. However, I'm thinking that I'll be in MN for at least the next couple years, though. When I went back to school I didn't do it with the GI bill, I'm enrolled in a VA program Called Chapter 31, or vocational rehabilitation. I traded my GI bill in for it, they pay for all my classes, books and supplies needed for whatever program I go into, along with some subsistance each month. The subsiistance isn't enough for me to live on each month, but it's a start. Since I still have some money saved up, i was considering making some small purchases to build on and sell over eBay, but I'm not sure what to try to sell, how to keep supplying myself or even how well it would work.
Thanks very much for your offer, I erally do appreciate it,

CK

JMM · « **Reply #124 on:** May 22, 2004, 12:35:25 pm »

Just keep letting us know if you ever need us, we are there... I used to think Hispanics were badarse because they do have strong family ties, but they have not got anything on us Taldrenites!

News:

Topic: I'm curious (Read 12236 times) var addthis_config = {"data_track_clickback":true};

Clark Kent

Stormbringer

Sethan

Stormbringer

J. Carney

Monty

Scott Allen Abfalter

TalonClaw

Sirgod

Iceman

Clark Kent

Confused??

LongTooth

Clark Kent

Likkerpig

TheShadow

Clark Kent

TalonClaw

Stormbringer

Clark Kent

Clark Kent

Stormbringer

Scott Allen Abfalter

Clark Kent

Confused??

TheShadow

Clark Kent

TheShadow

Scott Allen Abfalter

Corbomite

Dogmatix!

Scott Allen Abfalter

JMM

EE

Clark Kent

Stormbringer

EE

JMM

IndyShark

Clark Kent

JMM

Clark Kent

Clark Kent

Stormbringer

Sethan

Stormbringer

J. Carney

Monty

Scott Allen Abfalter

TalonClaw

Sirgod

Iceman

Clark Kent

Confused??

LongTooth

Clark Kent

Likkerpig

TheShadow

Clark Kent

TalonClaw

Stormbringer

Clark Kent

Clark Kent

Stormbringer

Scott Allen Abfalter

Clark Kent

Confused??

TheShadow

Clark Kent

TheShadow

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Corbomite

Dogmatix!

Scott Allen Abfalter

Topic: I'm curious (Read 12236 times)