Looks like I need to move to Florida..
MOOOO!!!! Mad cows: No tipping allowed
Usually, I stay far away from political matters in this corner of the newspaper. On rare occasions, though, it's my duty to point out legislation that could have a major impact on the quality of life in Florida.
This is one of those times.
When the legislators pull the big clown car into town on March 2, Florida lawmakers will consider passing proposed SB 1418. It's a cow-protection measure introduced by Sen. Dave Aronberg. He's a Democrat from Greenacres. That's a real town located - no, not near Hooterville - but in sunny Palm Beach County.
Aronberg's bill proposal reads, and I swear I'm not making this up, as so:
"FELLING CATTLE - A person who, for the purpose of practice, entertainment, or sport, intentionally fells, trips, or otherwise causes a cow to fall or lose its balance by means of roping, lassoing, dragging, or otherwise touching the tail of the cow commits a misdemeanor of the first degree, punishable as provided in s. 775.082 or s. 775.083. As used in this section, 'cow' means any animal of any registered breed of the genus Bos, or any recognized hybrid thereof."
In other words, your cow-tipping days are numbered, laddie. Florida may become a no-tolerance zone for cow-tipping. First a ban on dwarf-tossing, now this. The state won't let us have any fun anymore.
For those of you who didn't grow up on a cattle ranch in the Florida boonies, cow-tipping is a legendary country pastime. Here's how it allegedly works: Bored, beer-soaked teens sneak up on a cow as it stands sleeping. With one sudden push, they knock over a dozing bovine. The cow wakes up when it hits the dirt with a thud and makes a startled sound. All this evidently tickles the bejesus out of public-educated, entertainment-deprived mouth-breathers.
No wonder the cows have gone mad.
But is cow-tipping a real threat to the beef industry or just an urban myth - er, rural myth?
I grew up on a cattle farm in North Florida and never once - despite the easy access to tequila - participated in the fine art of cow-tipping. Just like going on a snipe hunt, cow-tipping sounds like an elaborate ruse to get Yankees to step in cow patties.
Yet, cow-tipping has such an authentic ring of human idiocy that it's probably true. During a Google search on the Web - where there is an endless amount of misinformation about cow-tipping - I came across a real sermon titled "Cow Tipping" by the Rev. John Fisher. The good reverend reminisces about his college days at Tariko College in Tariko, Mo., and confesses to knocking over sleeping cows.
"I often thought what it must have been like for the cow," Fisher writes.
"You are standing there feeling pretty comfortable. You have been fed and now you are a little tired. You look around, nothing there suspicious or threatening. So you close your eyes, comfortable and secure, feeling like all is right with your world. Then suddenly you feel your equilibrium slipping away from you. You are crashing towards the earth. From a cow's perspective, it really is not much fun."
The Rev. Fisher then makes a brilliant transition: "I think Satan has a game he calls Christian Tipping. It is a takeoff on my one-time bovine pleasure. He waits until we get very comfortable and secure within ourselves. We are fat and sassy. ... We close our eyes for just a second, to enjoy a moment of rest. And Satan pushes us and we tumble."
Religious metaphors aside, if Aronberg's no-tipping bill passes, will it simply send cow-tipping underground? Tippers might take a page from the cult novel "Fight Club" and form secret Cow Clubs across the state.
The first rule of Cow Club?
Don't talk about Cow Club.
Topic: Ok all you Floridians... Touch me and you are looking at a misdemeanor... (Read 6592 times)