Topic: Need advice...question about a relationship

[Wulgaru]

All in all, I'm not doing too bad...I sort of expected it, else I wouldn't have come on here looking for advice.  I was going to break it off soon because of the problems I mentioned, but she beat me to the punch.  I ended up getting drunk with the boys last night, and when she showed up at the bar I said some things I shouldn't have which has caused some tension.  I'll try to sort it out with her, but not to gain the relationship back, but instead to keep relations good.

Our expectations from the relationship were different.  I wanted something more serious than she did, and that's probably where it ran in to problems.

[GE-Raven]

If you want I could just send up a few Okies to "take care of the problem" for you.

Then you won't even have to run into her or nothing....

(Just Kidding - I have quenched my ever-growing bloodlust recently with a wheelbarrow full of hamsters)

GE-Raven
The Helpful
 

[Maxillius]

Quote:
If you want I could just send up a few Okies to "take care of the problem" for you.

Then you won't even have to run into her or nothing....

(Just Kidding - I have quenched my ever-growing bloodlust recently with a wheelbarrow full of hamsters)

GE-Raven
The Helpful
   

both are images that I wish weren't in my head

[Sirgod]

Quote:
If you want I could just send up a few Okies to "take care of the problem" for you.

Then you won't even have to run into her or nothing....

(Just Kidding - I have quenched my ever-growing bloodlust recently with a wheelbarrow full of hamsters)

GE-Raven
The Helpful
   

 

Hey Mush, Grab the WheelBarrow, I'll Grab the Hamster's from the Furniture store. On our way up will grab Shadow (will)

How does one type a Cherokee yell?

Stephen

[JMM]

Sorry I can't help, I suck at personal relationships.  

[Death_Merchant]

Quote:
Sorry I can't help, I suck at personal relationships.    

JMM provides a classic example of "too little, too late"  

Wulgaru,

Sorry man. At one time or another, everyone was been there. If not, you're just not trying hard enough..
My response was intended to help you listen to yourself. I could read between the lines that you knew this was inevitable. You were simply hoping otherwise....

It hurts (I know), but it wasn't meant to be. Someday, you'll look back on this as a valuable lesson. It may be a while....
My Best, DM
 

[Wulgaru]

Hey folks,

Well, I need some advice from my fellow forum members.  I've already talked to my RL friends, but even so it always helps to canvas alot of people.

Since about October, I've been in a relationship with a girl here in my residence.  It started off as a drunken thing and took a while to develop, but up until this past week things have been quite good.  I was really looking forward to seeing here after the Christmas break, and getting a chance to catch up.  So she returns, and for the past week I haven't really seen much of her.  The night she got in it was one of her friends birthdays, and they had planned before Christmas to hit the bar, which was fine by me, as I was going to hit the bar with friends as well (I never made it...half a 26er of tequila had me passed out by 11PM).  She came home, slept in with me, but we both woke up severly hung over and suffering some cold effects.

After this, she became sick, so I would check in on her and see what was wrong with her and such.  She ended up staying a few nights at her cousins, and when feeling better spent the day at one of her other relatives places.  Other than that Thursday night, we haven't really done much together.  I talked to her last night, and I told her that I was a bit upset at not having the oppurtunity to spend more time with her, and she understands that.  She told me that she has been upset and sick, and sometimes feels that I don't give her enough space, which I try very hard to do.

The fact is, we don't go out on dates a whole lot, we hang out together occaisionally, but when it comes to going out she's more likely to brush me off for the girls.  Now this doesn't gel with how she's told me she feels, and therein lies the problem.  We feel much the same about each other, yet I'm partial to wanting to spend time with her, whereas she seems to want only limited exposure.  I don't really know how to handle this, and wether I should continue on in a relationship that doesn't seem to fit perfectly (yet I don't really want to end it, as I am quite happy most of the time).

Any advice you could give would help...

[Death_Merchant]

You won't like it.....

but you already know where you really stand with her, don't you?

Ask yourself this question: If I don't call or go to see her, how long before she contacts me?  

[Scott Allen Abfalter]

All you can do is tell her what you feel, but then also try and respect her feelings.  

If someone has been sick, they really DO need time away, so respect that.

"I need some space" can be taken two ways.  It is either "I need some space, so although I like to spend time with you, please respect my need and and give me some free time" or it's "I need some space, well, really, I don't want to see you but I can't say that out loud so I am just saying I need space because it's easier than the truth."

If you value the relationship you will assume the former, and act accordingly.  If it's the latter then you will find other signals and signs soon enough so no matter what you do things ain't gonna happen.

If there is going to be anything there, it will occur with or without your pushing.  So back off, spend time with her, and see if that time eventually develops into a relationship.  You are NOT in a relationship yet, so it's quite unfair to be upset at her at this point for not spending time with you.  Back off, hang out, have fun and see if it turns into anything.  

Just don't be upset if it does not.  Someone who sleeps with you during moments of inhibition-tattered drunkeness may just be using your for conveniance and comfort.  So there might not be anything og substance there.  

The worst thing for you to do is try and force the issue.  If it going to happen, it will happen.  If you push too hard, she'll be driven away.  Just try and look at it from a realistic perspective.  

(Easier said than done, I know, but I'm speaking the truth)


 

[Confused??]

I see my gf about once a week and then she crashes at mine for the weekend. She is ill and she's going through college.
Until recently I did not know how to deal with it, so I just accepted the situation.
However we came close to finishing this week but we both realised how we felt. However the time we spend together is the same. We agreed to set one day a week aside and keep the weekend as a dead cert for seeing each other. The rest is left open in case we really need to spend time.
It may sound a bit crazy, but I believe this is the girl I will spend many years if not the rest of them with. So until she is well I wait and give her what she needs. However we have already been together for almost 2 years.

I guess my point is that, you should give her what she needs but try to agree to some time. There may be reasons behind her behaviour which while they don't relate to you do affect her views on everything. However, be carefull because if you do not trust her it could end the relationship both romantically and in friendship.
Either way I hope it works out for the best, and that I could maybe offer some comfort and help.

[Scott Allen Abfalter]

Yeah, for the record, my wife graduated college a year before I did and I only saw here on the weekends that she drove 2.5 hours to see me, or I got a ride down to see her for the weekend.  

It's doable, but hard...

But I don't think that's the case here.  My suspicion is that these two are living very close, that he assumes there is a relationship but that she is not sure that she wants this yet and is still trying to sort it out.  Hard to tell from just the post.

 

[Wulgaru]

The fact is, we are in a relationship.  After much drunken messing around, I had to talk to her last term, and told her that I wanted something more than that.  She was more hesitant, because as she told me (and as I've witnessed), her ex was a right b@stard to her during and after their relationship.  In the end things worked out, and afterwords everything was going fine.

I'll freely admit that before we left I was spending an inordinate amount of time with her, and it started to feel normal that way.  But I can see where she is coming from.  I am positive that she only meant the 'I need space' comment, as just that.  Overall, there are no other signs of problems between us, and we do visit each other regularly.  What I'm more concerned with is the fact that we don't go out together (out of the house) all that much.  I'de like to 'date' a bit more than we actually are right now.  Granted, we are both rather poor students, but there are plenty of things we can go out and do together that does not costs a huge sum.

Despite the rather somber tone of my original post, I do really like her, and I know for a fact she likes me...its been discussed.  We've both told each other we are not in love with each other (and that's fine), yet we know there is more going on then just a simple like for one another.  Normally I'm quite self conscious about myself, and am always pretty sure I will get screwed over by a girl, but with her I do trust her.

I just think the major difference here is our expectations of how much time we spend together.

[Wulgaru]

Quote:

But I don't think that's the case here.  My suspicion is that these two are living very close, that he assumes there is a relationship but that she is not sure that she wants this yet and is still trying to sort it out.  Hard to tell from just the post.

Yeah, we do live very close Scott, as in on the same floor of the same residence.  There really is no assumption on my part about the relationship, as it does exist.  We just have different views and expectations as to what it entails.  At least that is what I figure.

[Scott Allen Abfalter]

Quote:

Quote:

But I don't think that's the case here.  My suspicion is that these two are living very close, that he assumes there is a relationship but that she is not sure that she wants this yet and is still trying to sort it out.  Hard to tell from just the post.

Yeah, we do live very close Scott, as in on the same floor of the same residence.  There really is no assumption on my part about the relationship, as it does exist.  We just have different views and expectations as to what it entails.  At least that is what I figure.  

You know more than me about the situation.  

I would suggest a heart to heart in which you try to understand what she wants, but not one to push what you want.  

See what she wants, see how that coincides with what you want, and then you can plan from there.   Just don't fall into the trap of trying to pressure or convince her if your views don't match --that is doomed to failure.  

Talk, patience, understanding.  

 

[Bonk]

Lots of guys look for a girl who will give them some space. Think about the plus side of this...  

[Dizzy]

Get a life!

Seriously!

Here's a secret, bro...

If the girl is attracted to you, let her come to you. NEVER go begging or suffocate them.

And OMG its so [bleep] hard to do when the girl is hot or you have been poking her a while or/and if you have strong emotional ties, but DAMNIT MAN! Get it together!

It's difficult to say in so many words, but if it's love, let it go and it will come back. It's so true, man, despite being so cliche, but I dont think you can do it, few men can, but step back. Step back! Take a deep breath alone and believe in yourself. Believe you are complete w/o her. You cant just [bleep] say it to your self... You have to belive it. Go do things that make YOU happy without her. Be yourself. Be happy. Dont try to bullsh*t yourself that you are making yourself happy going out somewhere and doing something fun if all you do is second guess yourself wondering if you are doing the right thing. You cant bullsh*t yourself. thinking about her will only [bleep] you up.

 Best advice: Back off and let her come to you. If you cant... I'm fairly certain that it wont work. I've been there.

You are SO caught up in this man... All I can say in closing is that if you dont back off, and try and force things, or convince her... you just cant make love happen.  Love happens when you let it go. Alltruistic crap eh?

Then think of this long and hard: The solutions to a chess game are not as easily seen by the players as they are by those not playing the game.

If all that was crap... (We all try and find the answer the heart is looking for when in love damned everything else), then your heart is blind and in the throes of love and you wont be able to think straight.

Umm... Chocolate!

[Sirgod]

Quote:
You won't like it.....

but you already know where you really stand with her, don't you?

Ask yourself this question: If I don't call or go to see her, how long before she contacts me?  

Hehe, Death Merchants alter Ego  

 

Stephen  

[msnevil]

Being that my "dating" experience consists of getting married out of high school. And being with the same woman from then to proberly eternity. My advice properly sucks.

Anyway, My two cents. It sounds like she wants to "own" you. She makes the boundries and you follow her lead. She sets the rules, and there is no "input" from you. (ie No "agreement" of two parties, just a "rule of one.")

You must be in "love" with her, or you would have blown her off a while ago. (at least I presume) Or? its not serious, and you want more to the "relationship" then what is there. With that stated.

It seems you are lower then her best friends. And a relaitionship is supposed to be about being his\her best friend and more.  If she does not want to be close to you. There has to be a reason. (ie hurt in the past, insecurity's, She is Bi, etc)

You could be her "To be blunt" Fark toy. a pseudo relaitionship of consentual "sex", booze, etc. Without commitment. She's possibly "Using" you. And you possibly have fallen for her bad. And if she does not share your "love". Then its just lust for her. Not love.

Mention "marriage" Or whatever "Cohabitation" is called these days. And if she runs for the hills. Let her go. She doesn't want committment and without commentment in a relaitionship. You are but her "fark" toy.

But if you want a "fark" toy. Like Bonk seems to like. Then stay with her.

Thats my sucky advice. (I am proberly way off the mark here. You need to provide more information so We can advice better.)





"I talked to her last night, and I told her that I was a bit upset at not having the oppurtunity to spend more time with her, and she understands that. She told me that she has been upset and sick, and sometimes feels that I don't give her enough space, which I try very hard to do.

The fact is, we don't go out on dates a whole lot, we hang out together occaisionally, but when it comes to going out she's more likely to brush me off for the girls. Now this doesn't gel with how she's told me she feels, and therein lies the problem. We feel much the same about each other, yet I'm partial to wanting to spend time with her, whereas she seems to want only limited exposure."  

[SL-Punisher]

Without really understanding her as a person it's difficult to find out her reasons for not wanting to get closer. It could be that she's afraid of comittment, or had previous bad experiances with men. It could be that you're simply her "Stand by" (IE the guy I hang out with when no one else I like is available)

Regardless of the reasons why you should really understand one basic truth about any new realtionship. If they don't put the same amount of effort you put into it...then it's doomed. Being the male it's very strange that YOU should have to be the one that's worried about calling her (Afterall we're horrible with that sort of thing) From the information you've given it seems to be that she isn't interested in a realtionship. Bail out of that flaming aircraft before it hits the ground.

[Wulgaru]

Well folks, won't need any advice any more...we broke up last night.