Topic: The silly Joke thread.

[Sirgod]

A man and a women were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years involved.

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have all That money in the box?" To which the man answered:

"Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."


Stephen

[vsfedwards]

ROFL

[Marcos]

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's
trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done
on this Russian.  He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has,
whatever  you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're
finished!"
 
 The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the
American  and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an
opening.  All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the
American and  wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer
buried his  ace in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch
the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer
from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the
Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and
the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the
match.
 

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American
wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one
has ever done it before!"
 
 
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got
me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so
with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could."
 
 "So, the trainer exclaimed, "that is what finished him off!"
 
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
your own balls."
 

[Crimmy]

How many klingons does it take to change a lighting module?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Two...one to hold the module...and one to drink bloodwine till the cabin starts spinning

[JMM]

A Texan, a Russian, and Mexican were drinking in a bar by the fire. The Russian pours the vodka, drinks, and throws his glass into the fire, saying "We have much vodka in my country!"

The Mexican pours tequila, drinks it, and throws his glass into the fire, saying "We have mucho tequila in Mexico!"

The Texan pours whiskey, drinks, and puts his glass down, he then grabs the Mexican and throws him into the fire, saying "In Texas we have lots of Mexicans!"  

[Kmelew]

Post deleted by Kmelew

[JMM]

K that was just raunchy, lmao...  

[vsfedwards]

 

Quote:
A Texan, a Russian, and Mexican were drinking in a bar by the fire.  

Youd think that if there was a fire by a bar they either put it out or evacuate teh building  

[KOTH-Steel Claw]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
 
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
 
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
 
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died.
 
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
 
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
 
He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his
watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
 
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
 
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
 
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
 

[Sirgod]

 

Quote:
 She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
 

that's just wrong.  

Stephen

[TheShadow]

 One Saturday a small town couple decided that they would spend the day together in the big city. They spent the day shopping, going to a show, and having a nice dinner in a 4-star restaurant. Halfway through the meal they got into a huge arguement about her mother's visit the following weekend. They finish their meal in silence and start driving home.

After about an hour of driving in silence they pass a hog farm. The husband, with an evil smirk on his face looks over at his wife and says, "Relatives of yours?"

To which his wife replies, "Yeah, In-laws".    

[JMM]

K, did you delete that yourself or were you censored? I said it was raunchy, but it was hilarious. Nothing to be offended by.  

[Kmelew]

Jack,  Yea I deleted it myself.  After I posted it I felt I was going to get ding'd for it.  I'll try to post a replacement joke soon  

[Kmelew]

In honor of Mentat Jon...

Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton golf ball?  It's a perfect lie every time!  

[IKV Nemesis D7L]

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the Maid the working class and your baby brother we will call Future. Do you understand?

Son: I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his Diaper; the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.

The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.

The next morning...

Son: Dad, now I think I understand politics.

Father: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: Well, dad, while management is screwing the working class the Government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of [bleep].  

[IKV Nemesis D7L]

 

[vsfedwards]

A man walks into a bar....ouch!




(I know thats lame but I'm in college and I'm bored )  

[Barabbas]

Quote:
 

Quote:
 She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
 

that's just wrong.  

Stephen  

It took me three days, but I just got this....    

[Sirgod]

 When your this drunk You know your in trouble

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects
* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??
* Two hands and just one mouth...
* You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
* You fall off the floor...
* Discover in morning liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
* Pat Buchanan starts to make sense
* When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof??
* Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
* Only drinking problem is not having a drink right now
* Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right stumble fall
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, and you sleeped clothed.
* The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
* You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
* Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
* Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs
* I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
* Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
* Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
* When the bar owner actually carved your name onto your own barstool
* Your LIKE to watch Barney because you're so drunk already!
* That ~CeNsOrEd~ pink elephant followed me home again

Stephen

[Sirgod]

And one more to make those at work Laugh out Loud.  

email to wrong wife:

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to
cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Stephen

[vsfedwards]

Lol Steve, I was laughing for ages when I first heard that joke a few years back, still good now  

[Sirgod]

A man and a women were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years involved.

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have all That money in the box?" To which the man answered:

"Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."


Stephen

[vsfedwards]

ROFL

[Marcos]

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's
trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done
on this Russian.  He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has,
whatever  you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're
finished!"
 
 The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the
American  and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an
opening.  All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the
American and  wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer
buried his  ace in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch
the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer
from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the
Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and
the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the
match.
 

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American
wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one
has ever done it before!"
 
 
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got
me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so
with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could."
 
 "So, the trainer exclaimed, "that is what finished him off!"
 
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
your own balls."
 

[Crimmy]

How many klingons does it take to change a lighting module?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Two...one to hold the module...and one to drink bloodwine till the cabin starts spinning

[JMM]

A Texan, a Russian, and Mexican were drinking in a bar by the fire. The Russian pours the vodka, drinks, and throws his glass into the fire, saying "We have much vodka in my country!"

The Mexican pours tequila, drinks it, and throws his glass into the fire, saying "We have mucho tequila in Mexico!"

The Texan pours whiskey, drinks, and puts his glass down, he then grabs the Mexican and throws him into the fire, saying "In Texas we have lots of Mexicans!"  

[Kmelew]

Post deleted by Kmelew

[JMM]

K that was just raunchy, lmao...  

[vsfedwards]

 

Quote:
A Texan, a Russian, and Mexican were drinking in a bar by the fire.  

Youd think that if there was a fire by a bar they either put it out or evacuate teh building  

[KOTH-Steel Claw]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
 
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
 
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
 
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died.
 
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
 
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
 
He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his
watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
 
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
 
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
 
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
 

[Sirgod]

 

Quote:
 She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
 

that's just wrong.  

Stephen

[TheShadow]

 One Saturday a small town couple decided that they would spend the day together in the big city. They spent the day shopping, going to a show, and having a nice dinner in a 4-star restaurant. Halfway through the meal they got into a huge arguement about her mother's visit the following weekend. They finish their meal in silence and start driving home.

After about an hour of driving in silence they pass a hog farm. The husband, with an evil smirk on his face looks over at his wife and says, "Relatives of yours?"

To which his wife replies, "Yeah, In-laws".    

[JMM]

K, did you delete that yourself or were you censored? I said it was raunchy, but it was hilarious. Nothing to be offended by.  

[Kmelew]

Jack,  Yea I deleted it myself.  After I posted it I felt I was going to get ding'd for it.  I'll try to post a replacement joke soon  

[Kmelew]

In honor of Mentat Jon...

Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton golf ball?  It's a perfect lie every time!  

[IKV Nemesis D7L]

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the Maid the working class and your baby brother we will call Future. Do you understand?

Son: I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his Diaper; the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.

The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.

The next morning...

Son: Dad, now I think I understand politics.

Father: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: Well, dad, while management is screwing the working class the Government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of [bleep].  

[IKV Nemesis D7L]

 

[vsfedwards]

A man walks into a bar....ouch!




(I know thats lame but I'm in college and I'm bored )  

[Barabbas]

Quote:
 

Quote:
 She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
 

that's just wrong.  

Stephen  

It took me three days, but I just got this....    

[Sirgod]

 When your this drunk You know your in trouble

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects
* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??
* Two hands and just one mouth...
* You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
* You fall off the floor...
* Discover in morning liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
* Pat Buchanan starts to make sense
* When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof??
* Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
* Only drinking problem is not having a drink right now
* Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right stumble fall
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, and you sleeped clothed.
* The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
* You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
* Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
* Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs
* I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
* Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
* Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
* When the bar owner actually carved your name onto your own barstool
* Your LIKE to watch Barney because you're so drunk already!
* That ~CeNsOrEd~ pink elephant followed me home again

Stephen

[Sirgod]

And one more to make those at work Laugh out Loud.  

email to wrong wife:

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to
cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Stephen

[vsfedwards]

Lol Steve, I was laughing for ages when I first heard that joke a few years back, still good now  

[Sirgod]

A man and a women were married for 40 years. When they first got married the man said "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it". In all their 40 years of marriage the woman never looked.

However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in small bills. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner at their favorite restaurant. After dinner the woman could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying: "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?"

The man thought for a while and said: "I guess after all these wonderful years you deserve to know the truth: "Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

The woman was shocked, but said: "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the number of years involved.

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later the woman asked the man: "Why do you have all That money in the box?" To which the man answered:

"Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."


Stephen

[vsfedwards]

ROFL

[Marcos]

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the
Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's
trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done
on this Russian.  He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has,
whatever  you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're
finished!"
 
 The wrestler nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started, the
American  and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an
opening.  All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the
American and  wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.
A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer
buried his  ace in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch
the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer
from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the
Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and
the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the
match.
 

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got the American
wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one
has ever done it before!"
 
 
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got
me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this
pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so
with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could."
 
 "So, the trainer exclaimed, "that is what finished him off!"
 
"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite
your own balls."
 

[Crimmy]

How many klingons does it take to change a lighting module?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Two...one to hold the module...and one to drink bloodwine till the cabin starts spinning

[JMM]

A Texan, a Russian, and Mexican were drinking in a bar by the fire. The Russian pours the vodka, drinks, and throws his glass into the fire, saying "We have much vodka in my country!"

The Mexican pours tequila, drinks it, and throws his glass into the fire, saying "We have mucho tequila in Mexico!"

The Texan pours whiskey, drinks, and puts his glass down, he then grabs the Mexican and throws him into the fire, saying "In Texas we have lots of Mexicans!"  

[Kmelew]

Post deleted by Kmelew

[JMM]

K that was just raunchy, lmao...  

[vsfedwards]

 

Quote:
A Texan, a Russian, and Mexican were drinking in a bar by the fire.  

Youd think that if there was a fire by a bar they either put it out or evacuate teh building  

[KOTH-Steel Claw]

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers - which she ended by saying "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, and good-bye grandpa."
 
The father said, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
 
The little girl said "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
 
The next day grandpa died. Father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this - "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma. Next day the grandmother died.
 
My gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
 
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy."
 
He practically went into shock. Couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be OK. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his
watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
 
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
 
He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
 
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
 

[Sirgod]

 

Quote:
 She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
 

that's just wrong.  

Stephen

[TheShadow]

 One Saturday a small town couple decided that they would spend the day together in the big city. They spent the day shopping, going to a show, and having a nice dinner in a 4-star restaurant. Halfway through the meal they got into a huge arguement about her mother's visit the following weekend. They finish their meal in silence and start driving home.

After about an hour of driving in silence they pass a hog farm. The husband, with an evil smirk on his face looks over at his wife and says, "Relatives of yours?"

To which his wife replies, "Yeah, In-laws".    

[JMM]

K, did you delete that yourself or were you censored? I said it was raunchy, but it was hilarious. Nothing to be offended by.  

[Kmelew]

Jack,  Yea I deleted it myself.  After I posted it I felt I was going to get ding'd for it.  I'll try to post a replacement joke soon  

[Kmelew]

In honor of Mentat Jon...

Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton golf ball?  It's a perfect lie every time!  

[IKV Nemesis D7L]

Son: Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?

Father: Sure son, what's the question?

Son: What is politics?

Father: Well, lets take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me management. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her government. We take care of your needs, so let's call you the people. We'll call the Maid the working class and your baby brother we will call Future. Do you understand?

Son: I'm not really sure, dad. I'll have to think about it.

That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his Diaper; the boy went to his parent's room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid.

The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed.

The next morning...

Son: Dad, now I think I understand politics.

Father: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: Well, dad, while management is screwing the working class the Government is sound asleep. The people are being completely ignored and the future is full of [bleep].  

[IKV Nemesis D7L]

 

[vsfedwards]

A man walks into a bar....ouch!




(I know thats lame but I'm in college and I'm bored )  

[Barabbas]

Quote:
 

Quote:
 She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the mailman dropped dead on our porch."
 

that's just wrong.  

Stephen  

It took me three days, but I just got this....    

[Sirgod]

 When your this drunk You know your in trouble

* You lose arguments with inanimate objects
* You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
* Job interfering with your drinking.
* Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
* Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
* The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
* Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
* 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence??
* Two hands and just one mouth...
* You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
* You fall off the floor...
* Discover in morning liquid cleaning supplies have mysteriously disappeared
* Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
* Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
* Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
* Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
* Pat Buchanan starts to make sense
* When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof??
* Vampires catch a buzz after attacking you [also mosquitoes!]
* Only drinking problem is not having a drink right now
* Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right stumble fall
* You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, and you sleeped clothed.
* The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
* You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
* Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
* Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs
* I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
* Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
* Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
* When the bar owner actually carved your name onto your own barstool
* Your LIKE to watch Barney because you're so drunk already!
* That ~CeNsOrEd~ pink elephant followed me home again

Stephen

[Sirgod]

And one more to make those at work Laugh out Loud.  

email to wrong wife:

After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle's was cold. The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned. He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to
cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message therefore arrived at the home of an elderly preacher's wife whose even older husband had died only the day before. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

P.S. Things are not as we thought. You're going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

Stephen

[vsfedwards]

Lol Steve, I was laughing for ages when I first heard that joke a few years back, still good now